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Tom Kitten

(7,347 posts)
174. A man carrying an octopus walks into a bar
Sat Apr 25, 2020, 06:20 PM
Apr 2020

He sets the octopus on a stool, sits down next to him and orders eight shots of whiskey and a ginger ale. The bartender serves him but asks "This sure is a lot of whiskey, are you sure your octopus can handle it?" The man replies "Oh these are for me. He's the designated driver."

Did you hear about the Buddhist..... Champion Jack Jan 2020 #1
A woman calls the fire department screaming that her house is on fire. iwillalwayswonderwhy Jan 2020 #2
I had to read that three times underpants Apr 2020 #126
Thanks for the giggles! Karadeniz Jan 2020 #3
This only makes sense when said out loud. What's Irish and stays on the porch all winter? Rustynaerduwell Jan 2020 #4
What do they call an Italian suppository? TexasBushwhacker Jan 2020 #14
ahem. mopinko Jan 2020 #55
Groaners! So bad that you have to repeat them. keithbvadu2 Jan 2020 #5
What is brown and sticky? Collimator Jan 2020 #6
What's brown and sounds like a bell? A HERETIC I AM Feb 2020 #72
Why should you never fight a dinosaur? luvallpeeps Apr 2020 #156
What do you give to a sick lemon? MatthewHatesTrump2 Jan 2020 #7
What do you call someone else's cheese? GumboYaYa Jan 2020 #8
I was thinking of this one LeftInTX Jan 2020 #42
A cat hijacks a plane and demands to be taken to the Floyd R. Turbo Jan 2020 #9
What's the name of an Irish chest disease you catch at a bookie joint...? First Speaker Jan 2020 #10
Where did General MacArthur hide his armies? maxrandb Jan 2020 #11
What do you call a Hippie's wife? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #12
Can I tell a dirty joke? backtoblue Jan 2020 #13
That's so funny... Harker Jan 2020 #15
Well, I think you're funny... backtoblue Jan 2020 #17
I want a second opinion! Harker Jan 2020 #18
As Mama used to say... backtoblue Jan 2020 #19
Which hand is which? Harker Jan 2020 #20
You smell bad as well. A HERETIC I AM Feb 2020 #73
Hey... Harker Feb 2020 #75
You're crazy too! Shermann Apr 2020 #132
Took you long enough Harker Apr 2020 #137
The irony is that "I fell in the mud" isn't a joke at all, dirty or otherwise. John Fante Apr 2020 #128
What did General Washington say to his troops before they crossed the Delaware river? la-trucker Jan 2020 #16
Love it underpants Jan 2020 #30
lol on this one :) patricia92243 Jan 2020 #36
Why do they have gates around cemeteries? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #21
I don't have a dad's body,, benld74 Jan 2020 #22
That's funny. underpants Jan 2020 #29
A guy goes to his therapist and says, "Doc, Doc, something's wrong. Sometimes I feel like a teepee.. brush Apr 2020 #131
A guy goes to doctor about a pain in his butt. Captain Zero Apr 2020 #182
That got a legitimate chuckle out of me. Here's another one. brush Apr 2020 #183
Dayum qwlauren35 May 2020 #193
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #23
That's about as funny as a fart in a space suit. Harker Jan 2020 #24
"A fart in a space suit"? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #40
All Franken pod cast True Blue American Mar 2020 #101
One of my favorite sayings is customerserviceguy Apr 2020 #133
Farts are always funny Danascot Apr 2020 #146
The hours must fly by... Harker Apr 2020 #148
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? edbermac Jan 2020 #25
Math! Time! underpants Jan 2020 #31
Did you already hear about the zoo that only has a dog? Tiggeroshii Jan 2020 #26
There were two peanuts walking down the Rue Strassa..... AJT Jan 2020 #27
Know why I never take coffee from a vampire? kerouac2 Jan 2020 #28
Okay, I gotta pass that one along! lastlib Jan 2020 #48
Grasshopper hops into a bar Varaddem Jan 2020 #32
How does an IT person drink coffee? Ohiogal Jan 2020 #33
How do you make a tissue dance? 56miSSie Jan 2020 #34
Not a joke but a saying: He has about as much chance as demosincebirth Jan 2020 #35
Busy as a one-armed paper hanger Captain Zero Jan 2020 #52
That's depressing demosincebirth Jan 2020 #59
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Brother Buzz Jan 2020 #56
Good one demosincebirth Jan 2020 #58
Message auto-removed Name removed Jan 2020 #37
Bar patron: "Do you know you have no talent?" Doc_Technical Jan 2020 #38
My doctor told me my sugar was too high... Wounded Bear Jan 2020 #39
What streets do ghosts haunt? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #41
Today I gave my dead batteries away...They were free of charge. red dog 1 Jan 2020 #43
Q) Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat? blockhead Jan 2020 #44
Q) Where do animals go when their tails fall off? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #45
Q) - What do you call a cow with no legs? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #46
Q) - When is a door not a door? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #47
Why did the cows go back to the marijuana patch? lastlib Jan 2020 #49
The steaks were never higher liberaltrucker Mar 2020 #117
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? red dog 1 Jan 2020 #50
But Mommy, I don't want to go to China! tazkcmo Jan 2020 #51
Reminds me customerserviceguy Apr 2020 #135
a grape was rolling on the sidewalk Marthe48 Jan 2020 #53
a little long but maybe you'll like it Marthe48 Jan 2020 #54
Omg dixiegrrrrl Apr 2020 #185
Pony walks into a bar. LuckyCharms Jan 2020 #57
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, red dog 1 Jan 2020 #60
What did the snail tell the turtle? Mendocino Jan 2020 #61
My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop singing that Oasis song... SKKY Feb 2020 #62
What did the banana say to the vibrator? SKKY Feb 2020 #63
🙂😬 MLAA Apr 2020 #151
How do you tell a boy tuna from a girl tuna? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #64
A Manic-Depressive goes on vacation & sends back a postcard: red dog 1 Feb 2020 #65
Did you hear about the self-help group for people who never stop talking? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #66
A guy goes to church, asks a man if the seat next to him is saved, and the man says red dog 1 Feb 2020 #67
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #68
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket red dog 1 Feb 2020 #69
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #70
Thought of one and updated it Marthe48 Feb 2020 #71
That joke reminds me of the Steve Martin movie "Leap of Faith" red dog 1 Feb 2020 #74
My Mom or Dad told me the joke Marthe48 Feb 2020 #78
Loved that movie. But the female lead was Debra Winger, if I am not mistaken. nt tblue37 May 2020 #196
A cop in Vegas Watchfoxheadexplodes Feb 2020 #76
What's white and crawls up your leg? First Speaker Feb 2020 #77
Why did the moron throw a clock out the window? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #79
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #80
If trees could kill you, they wood. red dog 1 Feb 2020 #81
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #82
What crop do they grow at the "Dumb Joke Farm"? red dog 1 Feb 2020 #83
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger....Then it hit me! red dog 1 Feb 2020 #84
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. red dog 1 Feb 2020 #85
A man walks into a zoo...The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. red dog 1 Mar 2020 #86
What type of dog is most related to a bird? kairos12 Mar 2020 #87
Two penguins on an ice flow red dog 1 Mar 2020 #88
Q) - What has four wheels and flies? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #89
Q) What was a greater invention than the first telephone? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #90
What do you call an alligator in a vest? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #91
Q) What's the difference between a fly and a bird? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #92
Q) How do you make a pirate furious? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #93
Q) What did the 300 pound canary say? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #94
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas." red dog 1 Mar 2020 #95
Smiling at all, but LOL at this one. nt LAS14 Apr 2020 #121
I know...I love this one. red dog 1 Apr 2020 #124
Q) How do dogcatchers get paid? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #96
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon.com account? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #97
(kid) "Dad, how do stars die?" red dog 1 Mar 2020 #98
Wow, You're Loaded Up With These ProfessorGAC Mar 2020 #100
Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? ironflange Mar 2020 #99
What do you call a fake noodle? DetlefK Mar 2020 #102
Q: Why can't you trust atoms? Aquaria Mar 2020 #103
Stupid math jokes Aquaria Mar 2020 #104
What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? Disaffected May 2020 #203
What's gray and puts out forest fires? JackintheGreen Mar 2020 #105
Yes! underpants Apr 2020 #127
Q) Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #106
Q) How much money does a pirate pay for corn? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #107
Q) What do you call birds who stick together? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #108
Jesus on the cross calls out to Paul who Kashkakat v.2.0 Mar 2020 #109
Why is it good to save pennies? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #110
Name the four Alou brothers. Harker Mar 2020 #111
I think you're on the wrong thread red dog 1 Mar 2020 #112
Boog. Harker Mar 2020 #114
Oh, in that case, you're on the right thread. red dog 1 Mar 2020 #115
Q) Why aren't dogs good dancers? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #113
Q) Which superhero hits the most home runs? red dog 1 Mar 2020 #116
What's green and sings? DeminPennswoods Mar 2020 #118
I Do, Sir, But None Of Them Are Printable Here The Magistrate Mar 2020 #119
What's better than roses on your piano Hotler Mar 2020 #120
I didn't think they could get worse, but they just... LAS14 Apr 2020 #122
Q) What did one plate whisper to the other plate? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #123
Q) Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #125
What did the male chimp say to the female chimp? John Fante Apr 2020 #129
Did you hear Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce? LakeArenal Apr 2020 #130
Good one! red dog 1 Apr 2020 #134
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar customerserviceguy Apr 2020 #136
Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a tube of Chapstick. Adsos Letter Apr 2020 #138
What do you call fake spaghetti? kairos12 Apr 2020 #139
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cow? CottonBear Apr 2020 #140
I went my doctor the other day and she told me I had to stop maturbating! Vinnie From Indy Apr 2020 #141
Why can't you trust atoms? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #142
Did you hear about the Viagra shipment that got stolen? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #143
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #144
What do ghosts like to drink the most? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #145
Why did the moron throw butter out the window? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #147
What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #149
How do you talk to giants? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #150
When the side mug shot was shown to a blonde in during a police interview, at140 Apr 2020 #152
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? JoeOtterbein Apr 2020 #153
Love that one underpants Apr 2020 #160
I think the joke was in... JoeOtterbein Apr 2020 #161
Oh! underpants Apr 2020 #162
What do you call a deer that is blind? lapfog_1 Apr 2020 #154
Why did Fats Dominoe sue Elvis Presley? luvallpeeps Apr 2020 #155
What's green and has four red wheels? Jacoby365 Apr 2020 #157
A man had nightmares and couldn't sleep DonaldsRump Apr 2020 #158
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. CrispyQ Apr 2020 #159
Horse walks into a bar. COLGATE4 Apr 2020 #163
Why was the picture sent to jail? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #164
What do you call a rich elf? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #165
What do you call a fake noodle? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #166
What kind of tree fits in your hand? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #167
Why was the skeleton afraid of the storm? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #168
What do you call cheese that's not your cheese? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #169
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #170
Q) Why couldn't Dracula's wife fall asleep? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #171
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #172
What do you call a magic dog? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #173
A man carrying an octopus walks into a bar Tom Kitten Apr 2020 #174
Why do people tell actors to 'break a leg'? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #175
About an elderly gentleman with hearing problems... Stuart G Apr 2020 #176
The Pope and Rabbi Moishe.....an old one, not mean, just funny... Stuart G Apr 2020 #177
I love it! dixiegrrrrl Apr 2020 #187
Nominated for the best short joke of 2008 Stuart G Apr 2020 #178
A long one, but worth it. This time an elederly lady... Stuart G Apr 2020 #179
Indian Hills Community Sign always has something corny on it. LeftInTX Apr 2020 #180
Turning vegan would be a big missed steak LeftInTX Apr 2020 #181
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #184
There was a small man Marthe48 Apr 2020 #186
Where does a one-armed man shop? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #188
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #189
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? red dog 1 Apr 2020 #190
How does the ocean say hello? red dog 1 May 2020 #191
How do you make holy water? red dog 1 May 2020 #192
What do elves do after school? red dog 1 May 2020 #194
How many lips does a flower have? red dog 1 May 2020 #195
Another Marthe48 May 2020 #197
I'm on a whiskey diet. red dog 1 May 2020 #198
How do fish get high? red dog 1 May 2020 #199
Why were the Indians here first? red dog 1 May 2020 #200
Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? red dog 1 May 2020 #201
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? red dog 1 May 2020 #202
How do you talk to giants? red dog 1 May 2020 #204
Why did the tomato blush? red dog 1 May 2020 #205
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? red dog 1 May 2020 #206
What kind of music do mummies listen to? red dog 1 May 2020 #207
Don't know if this qualifies as "dumb" or not, but here goes. Different Drummer May 2020 #208
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the jungle? burrowowl May 2020 #209
What do you call a seagull when it flies over a bay? red dog 1 May 2020 #210
How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying? red dog 1 May 2020 #211
Why was the burglar so sensitive? red dog 1 May 2020 #212
What did the tired toilet say to the plunger? red dog 1 May 2020 #213
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