The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsKnow any jokes that are so dumb that they're actually funny?
A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says, "I'm sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion."
Champion Jack
(5,378 posts)....who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
iwillalwayswonderwhy
(2,601 posts)The fireman asks how do we get there?
The woman says, why dont you still have those big fire trucks?
underpants
(182,584 posts)Karadeniz
(22,461 posts)Rustynaerduwell
(663 posts)Patio Furniture.
TexasBushwhacker
(20,129 posts)An innuendo
mopinko
(69,981 posts)sorry, but you stepped on my fave joke.
q- whats irish and stays outside all night?
a- paddy o'furniture
there, now you can tell it in writing.
keithbvadu2
(36,640 posts)Groaners! So bad that you have to repeat them.
Collimator
(1,639 posts)A stick!
A HERETIC I AM
(24,360 posts)DUUUUNGGGG!
luvallpeeps
(935 posts)You'll get jurassicked.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Lemon aid.
GumboYaYa
(5,941 posts)Nacho cheese.
LeftInTX
(25,091 posts)It's lame.....
Floyd R. Turbo
(26,534 posts)Canaries!
First Speaker
(4,858 posts)...OTB...
maxrandb
(15,288 posts)Up his sleevies!
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Mississippi
backtoblue
(11,343 posts)I fell in the mud.
Harker
(13,957 posts)I forgot to laugh.
backtoblue
(11,343 posts)Funny looking!
Harker
(13,957 posts)backtoblue
(11,343 posts)Want in one hand and shit in the other....
Harker
(13,957 posts)Just in case someone introduces us...
A HERETIC I AM
(24,360 posts)Harker
(13,957 posts)You're a little late, but you're also right about that.
Shermann
(7,399 posts)Harker
(13,957 posts)to figure that out!
John Fante
(3,479 posts)Drove me nuts as a kid.
la-trucker
(283 posts)"Get in the boats"
underpants
(182,584 posts)patricia92243
(12,591 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because people are dying to get in.
benld74
(9,901 posts)I have a father figure
underpants
(182,584 posts)brush
(53,726 posts)and sometimes like a wigwam."
The therapist says, "Relax. You're two tents."
Captain Zero
(6,777 posts)Guy explains his butt has been hurting a lot.
The doctor gives him a box of suppositories and says use two of these daily and come and see me in a week. The guy comes back in a week. The doctor asks did the suppositories help ? Guy says No, not at all.
Doctor said hmmm, they should have helped. The guy said, Nope, Doc, for all the good they did, I could have shoved them up my ass.
brush
(53,726 posts)Last edited Sat May 2, 2020, 04:16 PM - Edit history (1)
Guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and there are clocks as far as the eye can see.
He asks what the clocks are for?
St. Peter tells him they're lie clocks for everybody. When someone tells a lie the hands move. We keep track. See that one there that hands haven't moved? That's Mother Teresa's. And that one there where the hands moved one time, that's George Washington's.
The guy asks, since we're talking about president's, where's donald trump's?
St. Peter says, oh that one. Jesus keeps it in his office as a ceiling fan.
ROTFLMAO.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It was about a weak back!
Harker
(13,957 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)That IS funny!
True Blue American
(17,981 posts)Al and Franny stocked up on garbanzo beans. He is now broadcasting from a sealed room the reason is that Franny insisted on it!
customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)"You're as subtle as a fart in a space suit."
Danascot
(4,689 posts)I told my husband that one of the first symptoms is loss of smell. Now he farts every 15 minutes and says, Just checking!
Harker
(13,957 posts)edbermac
(15,933 posts)They each got six months.
underpants
(182,584 posts)Love it.
Tiggeroshii
(11,088 posts)It was a Shih-tzu
AJT
(5,240 posts)one was a salted(assaulted).........peanut.
kerouac2
(449 posts)Its always de-coffin-ated...
lastlib
(23,133 posts)Varaddem
(431 posts)Bartender says hey little fella we have a drink named after you. Grasshopper says you got a drink named Theodore?
Ohiogal
(31,887 posts)They install Java!
56miSSie
(48 posts)Put a little boogie in it.
demosincebirth
(12,529 posts)One legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
Captain Zero
(6,777 posts)Depression era saying.
demosincebirth
(12,529 posts)Brother Buzz
(36,364 posts)Hop in.
demosincebirth
(12,529 posts)Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
Name removed Message auto-removed
Doc_Technical
(3,521 posts)Piano Player: "No, but if you hum a few bars I'll try and fake it."
Wounded Bear
(58,584 posts)Last edited Fri Jan 24, 2020, 10:13 PM - Edit history (1)
so I went home and moved it to a lower shelf.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Dead ends!
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)blockhead
(1,081 posts)A) Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) The retail store.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) - Ground beef.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) - When it is ajar.
lastlib
(23,133 posts)The pot called the cattle back....
liberaltrucker
(9,129 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A stick.
tazkcmo
(7,300 posts)Hush up and put your other foot in the box!
customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)of an oldie about fifty years ago:
"Aw, Mom, I don't wanna wear a dress!"
"Shut up, Junior, we're almost to the draft board!"
Marthe48
(16,892 posts)and someone stepped on it. The grape didn't say a word, just gave a little wine.
Marthe48
(16,892 posts)A solder was getting ready to go into battle, but there was no tank for him. His commander said, "Just walk around and say 'Tank, tank, tankity tank' and you'll do fine.' So the soldier goes onto the battlefield and each time he sees an enemy soldier, he yells, "Tank, tank, tankity tank" and he is doing fine. Until suddenly, an enemy soldier jumps in front of him, with his arms extended, and yells, "Bang, Bang, bangity bang!"
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)I just had a serious flashback of landing at that joke years ago.
Still like it,too!
LuckyCharms
(17,410 posts)Bartender says "Holy shit dude, you're hung like a horse".
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)but he's only got his shelf to blame.
Mendocino
(7,480 posts)SLOW DOWN!
SKKY
(11,791 posts)...I said Maaaayyyybbeeee.
SKKY
(11,791 posts)Why are you trembling? Theyre going to eat me!
thats a new one to me!
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Wait and see which can they go in.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)"Having a wonderful time, I wish I were dead."
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It's called "On-and-on-anon"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)"No, but I'm praying for it."
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)"Dam!"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)He said: "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It was a nice wedding, but the reception was amazing!
Marthe48
(16,892 posts)franklin graham was holding a rally in a small town. He claimed to the audience that he would heal their afflictions. A man stood up and said he wanted his speech impediment cured. graham had him come to the stage and asked his name. "Tham Thompthon" the man said. A woman on crutches stood up and said she wanted to be able to walk without crutches. graham had her come to the stage and asked her name. "Mrs. Smith," she said. graham told both of them to go behind a curtain set up behind the podium. He said, Oh God, heal this man's affliction. Thank you! Amen!" Then he said, "Oh God, heal this woman! Thank you! Amen!" With his eyes still closed, he said, "Mrs. Smith, throw away your left crutch!" He heard a crash as the crutch as it landed on the stage. Then he said, "Mrs. Smith, throw away your right crutch!" And he heard the other crutch hit the stage. Then he heard a huge thump. Without opening his eyes, he said, "Mr. Thompson, tell me what happened!" And Mr. Thompson said, "Mitheth Thmith just fell on her ath!"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)where he plays a traveling preacher with a large road crew that is forced to stay over in a small mid-west town when one of the big-rigs breaks down.
It's a very good movie, with a good cast, including Lolita Davidovich & Liam Neeson.
(Meat Loaf is also in it)
Marthe48
(16,892 posts)over 50 years ago and it probably had hair on it then I think I saw that movie a long time ago.
tblue37
(65,212 posts)Watchfoxheadexplodes
(3,496 posts)Routine patrol sees a very attractive blonde lady at a soda machine outside a casino. He notices as he gets closer about 20 sodas on the sidewalk near her.
She would put money in, mash button, take soda and sit it on sidewalk. Thinking looked a bit strange he walks up and says excuse me? No response, he now louder says excuse me!, No response, now frustrated he yells EXCUSE ME MAM!!!
Startled she turns to him puts finger to mouth and says, "Shhhh I'm winning"
First Speaker
(4,858 posts)...Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice...
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because he wanted to see time fly.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A roamin' Catholic.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)He got 12 months.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Corn
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It was an apple but with extremely limited memory...Just 1 byte, and then everything crashed.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It's a shitzhu.
kairos12
(12,841 posts)The Bea-gull.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)first penguin says to the second penguin:
"You look like you're wearing a tuxedo!"
Second penguin replies:
"What makes you think I'm not?"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) - A garbage truck
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) The second one.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)An investigator.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Remove the P
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) "Here kitty kitty!"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)LAS14
(13,769 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) By the pound.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)They were Prime mates.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)(father) "Usually an overdose."
ProfessorGAC
(64,823 posts)Some of those are darn funny, too.
ironflange
(7,781 posts)A: Hey! Where's my tractor?
(only funny when told by a three-year-old)
DetlefK
(16,423 posts)An im-pasta!
Aquaria
(1,076 posts)A: Because they make up everything.
Aquaria
(1,076 posts)Don't ask why I know all of these:
How does a mathematician plow a field?
With a Pro-tractor.
Why couldn't the angle get a loan?
Because its parents wouldn't cosine.
How do you stay warm in a cold room?
Go to the corner because it's always 90 degrees.
What do you call more than one L?
A parallel.
Why did the two fours skip lunch?
Because they already 8.
Have you heard the latest statistics joke?
Probably.
How do you solve any equation?
Multiply both sides by zero.
There are three kinds of people in the world:
Those who count and those who can't.
Did you hear about the world's smartest circle?
It had 360 degrees.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
But only a fraction would understand.
How are a dollar and a moon alike?
They both have four quarters.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned in the river?
He thought it was one-foot deep, on average.
What did the mathematician and statistician name their cookbook?
Pi a la Mode
--
I'll stop.
Disaffected
(4,544 posts)Works it out with his pencil.
JackintheGreen
(2,036 posts)Smoky the Shark
underpants
(182,584 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Because he took a couple of days off.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) A buccaneer
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Vel-crows
Kashkakat v.2.0
(1,752 posts)fights his way through the Roman guards who try to beat him down.
Paul, come here Paul, I must tell you
Finally he makes it through the crowd to stand before Jesus on the cross
What is it Lord?
Paul, I can see your house from here!
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because it makes cents.
Harker
(13,957 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)But, as a SF Giants fan, I know 3 of them
Felipe
Matty
Jesus
Was there a fourth brother?
Harker
(13,957 posts)Boog Alou.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Because they have two left feet.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Batman
DeminPennswoods
(15,265 posts)Elvis Parsley
The Magistrate
(95,241 posts)Though there is of course the tale of the fellow who walks into a bar with an octopus, which he sets down saying his friend here can play any musical instrument you can name. Bartender produces a guitar, the octopus indeed makes beautiful music on it. Same thing with a violin, the sweetest strains imaginable. Finally someone puts a bag-pipe up on the bar, and the crowd watches expectantly as the octopus picks the thing up, moves it this way and that without making a sound. Finally someone asks the guy, is he gonna play that?
And the octopus says 'Play it? I'm trying to fuck it!'
Hotler
(11,392 posts)tulips on your organ.
LAS14
(13,769 posts)... kept getting worse! Kept me up past my bedtime cutting and pasting into an e-mail to hubby!!!!
Great diversion from COVID-19!!!!!!!!
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Dinner is on me.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Yeah, it runs in your jeans.
John Fante
(3,479 posts)You're the gorilla my dreams.
LakeArenal
(28,792 posts)Yes. Well, Mikey was at his lawyers office.
He said Mickey I hear you are divorcing Minnie because shes insane ..
Mickey says, I didnt say shes insane. I said shes fucking Goofy.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)The bartender looks up at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Adsos Letter
(19,459 posts)Pharmacist gives the duck the Chapstick and asks How do you want to pay for that?
Duck replies Just put it on my bill.
kairos12
(12,841 posts)Impasta.
CottonBear
(21,596 posts).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
💥 💥 POW!!!! 💥 💥 🐷 🐮 💥
Vinnie From Indy
(10,820 posts)I asked why and she said, "because I am trying to exam you!"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because they make up everything.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)The police are looking for hardened criminals.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A private tutor.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Ghoul-ade
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)He wanted to see a butterfly
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Frost-bite
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Use big words.
at140
(6,110 posts)she said the suspect had only one ear and one eye.
JoeOtterbein
(7,699 posts)The taste!
underpants
(182,584 posts)JoeOtterbein
(7,699 posts)...bad taste!
underpants
(182,584 posts)lapfog_1
(29,189 posts)No idea-r?
What do you call a deer that is blind and lost it's legs?
Still no idea-r?
What do you call a deer that is blind, los it's legs and was castrated?
Still no fucking idea-r?
luvallpeeps
(935 posts)Cuz his hound dog shit on blueberry hill.
Jacoby365
(450 posts)Grass. I was lying about the four red wheels.
DonaldsRump
(7,715 posts)Went to his doctor and said "last night I dreamed I was a teepee, and the previous night, I dreamed I was a wigwam."
His doctor said, "your problem is that you're too tense."
CrispyQ
(36,413 posts)It was tense.
COLGATE4
(14,732 posts)Bartender looks at him, says "Why the long face?"
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It was framed.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Welfy
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)An im-pasta
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A palm tree.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)He didn't have any guts.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Nacho-cheese.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Tooth:hurty!
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A) Because of his coffin
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A nervous wreck.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A Labracadabrador
Tom Kitten
(7,340 posts)He sets the octopus on a stool, sits down next to him and orders eight shots of whiskey and a ginger ale. The bartender serves him but asks "This sure is a lot of whiskey, are you sure your octopus can handle it?" The man replies "Oh these are for me. He's the designated driver."
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because every play has a cast.
Stuart G
(38,403 posts)...An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The hearing aids were placed deep within the ears and could not be seen by anyone..
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the Doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.
..Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Stuart G
(38,403 posts)Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy , if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe. "First the Pope said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I let him know we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)And somehow have not heard it before.
It's also very clever.
Stuart G
(38,403 posts)A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Stuart G
(38,403 posts)An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square. "The president of the bank started to laugh and told the woman that it was not possible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. Yes, they were clearly round..
Next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with a lawyer, & all agreed the $25,000 bet was made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president of the bank confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the bank president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president of the bank noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
LeftInTX
(25,091 posts)LeftInTX
(25,091 posts)Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense
It's Jamaican hairstyle day tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
Huge fight at local seafood diner. Battered fish everywhere!
Eating clocks is time consuming!
A joke doesn't become a dad joke until it's full groan
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Everything's fine..He woke up.
Marthe48
(16,892 posts)He weighed 90 lbs. His testicles weighed 45 lb. People said he was half nuts
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)At a second hand store.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)I don't know and I don't care.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Kids won't eat broccoli.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)It waves.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Boil the hell out of it.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Their gnome work
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Tu-lips
Marthe48
(16,892 posts)In a small town, around midnight, a cop sees a young man wandering down the main street, completely naked. The cop approaches the young man and asks, "What's your story, buddy?"
The young man explains he had just left his parents' farm and had been invited to a party by a pretty young lady. He went to the party, and there was a lot of drinking, loud music, lots of young men and women. About an hour after he got there, and things were in full swing, the hostess stood near the light switch and yelled, "I'm going to shut off the lights. Get naked! Then, I'm going to turn them back on! And then, when I shut them off again, everybody go to town!"
The young man looked around and said, "And it looks like i"m the first one here."
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)I've lost three days already.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Seaweed
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because they had reservations.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)They fought tooth and nail.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)He got the cold shoulder.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Use big words.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because it saw the salad dressing.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Roberto
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Wrap music
Different Drummer
(7,597 posts)Silver and Gold walk into a bar. The bartender says, "'Ay u, get outta here!" Gold walks out of the bar.
burrowowl
(17,632 posts)red dog 1
(27,757 posts)A bagel
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)You rocket.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)Because he takes things personally.
red dog 1
(27,757 posts)I'm flushed!