May 1, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-16: The Gathering Of The Deplorables Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-16: The Gathering Of The Deplorables Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up San Diego? You guys doing fucking good? I hope everyone is doing well. I do love San Diego and every time I am here. Maybe the Padres, not so much. Although I’m from just up north on the I-5 and we have the Angels, who I think seem to be fine being in last place. And that’s after we spent $430 million on Mike Trout. Hey if you’re going to go for broke, go for broke! Do we have time for the thing? Good. So did everyone see Avengers: Endgame over the weekend? I unfortunately did not but I definitely plan to. I mean come on it’s the grand finale, and I have invested so much into these characters. So no spoilers please! Although if you’re a certain running back for the Buffalo Bills, you might want to take a break on Twitter for a few days. And I would certainly expect this coming from a guy who calls himself “Lil’ Shady”. But this comes literally the day *AFTER* the Russo Brothers called for people not to spoil Endgame, guess what he does? He goes and spoils Endgame, and well, he wasn’t having any of it. But my favorite part was where he said “I’m done with the Avengers”. Well no fucking duh!!! It’s the finale, everyone is! And of course he was feeling the heat from Bills fans who also happen to be Marvel fans. So yeah Lil’ Shady, you might want to get away for a while. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first Bill Maher is back and he talks about how the bad guys get away with it all. Much like in that movie LA Confidential:



Well where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is the NRA (1) – they had their annual convention in which point Trump spoke in brain fart language to the cult and told him that he was the world’s greatest hostage negotiator. In the second slot this week, is Twitter (2). So @realDonaldTrump met with @Jack and had to be told how many bot accounts follow him, but a Twitter employee has dropped a massive bombshell that destroys the GOP and their “shadow banning” theory! In the third slot this week, is the guy who we currently call president,
Donald Trump (3) and while there was a lot to unpack from his MAGA rally in Wisconsin, his batshit crazy theory about infanticide is what we really need to discuss. Taking the fourth slot this week, we have a new game of "Is It Racist?". So the Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Yankees are in hot water for choosing not to use Kate Smith's rendition of God Bless America, because some songs have surfaced with racist undertones, so is it racist? Probably. In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and we’re going to find out what exactly happened when Otto Warmbier’s body left North Korea and arrived in the United States. Both glorious dictator Kim Jong Un and @realDonaldTrump have very differing opinions on this one! At slot number 6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and one of the hottest presidential candidates in 2020 is the openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg, but the Christian right isn’t having any of it! Gee, our resident pastor wonders why! In the seventh slot this week, we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and last week was the 102nd anniversary of the Armenian genocide, and in the wake of the protests last week, really, US government, what’s the fucking holdup? And in the 8th slot this week, is our segment "NO!!”. Operation Varsity Blues won’t seem to go away, and we’re going to show you how you get into America’s higher learning institutions without paying hundreds of thousands of dollars! (Hint: It’s called studying!!). In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week we have an all new “People Are Dumb”, because of course they are! And finally this week our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019 continues! This week it’s the Batshit Conference Championship! Kentucky will take on the champions Texas to advance to the Final Four! It’s getting very exciting! Plus we have some live music for the metal heads here from Maryland’s Periphery! Really, buy their new album “Hail Stan” or you are no friend of this show! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The NRA
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Here’s a question for you – the NRA. Are they just a gun lobby or are they a hostile intelligence agency bent on upending democracy so they can keep their precious guns? Well considering that they’ve got the 2nd amendment crowd in their hand, I’m assuming the latter. Well before we get into the most alarming news coming out of their annual convention in Indianapolis, we have to talk about some extremely alarming news that may make you think that they are indeed a hostile intelligence agency bent on upending democracy.





Gee for a party that harps on the other side for campaign contributions sure loves them some campaign contributions don’t they? It’s only political if it happens to the other side. Now we got to talk about their annual convention, or you could just call it “The Gathering Of The Deplorables”. It’s kind of like the Gathering Of The Juggalos and both groups involved are just as terrifying! So what went down in Indianapolis exactly?





Because if there's one thing Oliver North knows a thing or two about, it's a failed coup against a hostile insurgency! Yeah so the NRA is infighting amongst themselves. It’s exactly the recipe for a complete and total disaster. And then of course he showed up. It’s literally like everything Trump touches turns to complete shit. So what did he do at the NRA convention? Well he basically said that he’ll pull the US out of the international arms treaty, which means that more weapons will get in the hands of terrorists, because, fuck globalism.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Bye everyone, it was nice knowing you! And you know the scary thing? The deplorables cheerleaded this! Just his logic… AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! So when terrorists start killing people and setting off explosives outside the Louvre or Big Ben, because they were able to get American made weapons, well, don’t say we didn’t warn you. I mean it is your funeral after all.



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[font size="8"]Twitter
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It’s no secret that hardcore racists are using social media to spread their violence and hatred towards anyone who they don’t like. And not only that, they’re using it to actively recruit new members like the group Identity Europa for instance. But before we get into why Twitter won’t ban Nazis (and for not at all shocking reasons), Trump met with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey last week. And you want to know the reason why? Well you just had to ask! Trump wanted him to explain why he lost a ton of followers, and the reason is not all shocking either. Yes, they are still harping on Twitter for the ridiculous concept of “shadow banning”.





Well, maybe you should hold off on fixing it there, because last week a Twitter employee admitted what we’re all thinking. So why won’t Twitter hold Nazis in the same regard as ISIS? Easy answer: a lot of them vote conservative! So, @realDonaldTrump, it’s not just you, it’s your base! You wonder why conservatives are getting “shadow banned”? It’s because they’re fucking Nazis!





So that’s how people turn to the Dark Side so quickly! I mean shit even Emperor Palpatine couldn’t recruit numbers this quickly. Thank god social media didn’t exist in 1942 am I right? But the scary thing is that they can’t ban Nazis because it would mean banning GOP politicians. Wow, this is completely and in no way shape or form shocking.





I think even Adolf would roll his eyes at this. But if you want to know where white supremacist online hatred is heading, just ask Rep. Ilhan Omar. Last week, we were all horrified when Trump trolled her directly by posting a video linking her to 9/11. Well guess what? @Jack personally called her to tell her there was nothing wrong with @realDonaldTrump’s tweet. Well, if they can’t get that right, how are they expected to combat white supremacy and neo-Nazism?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Whew. There was so much to unpack at his insane campaign rally last week that I’m going to need a breather after this one. Or at least a nice tall glass of Jack Daniels. You know that abortion is one of the trickiest subjects to navigate in this country, at least since about 1973. But this week things have taken a hard turn in the abortion debate, and not in a good way. Yeah we got to unpack what Trump said in Wisconsin last week, because that was whew, my god. I literally have no words to accurately describe how or what to feel after seeing this. You know what? Fuck it, let’s roll the clip first.



That escalated quickly! Seriously, that never happens, fucking anywhere!!! So why is this so alarming? Well…





Wow, that escalated quickly! We wen t from abortion straight to infanticide. Holy shit. Way to play to extremes there, Trump! Oh wait, except that doesn’t happen anywhere, ever. I mean they didn’t even practice this in Darfur! Jesus, he is certifiably insane. And he’s probably going to get someone killed over this, if he hasn’t already.





At least Trump admits that his ideas are sick. And certainly not in a cool way. His ideas are quite literally sick in every way. That brings up one of my favorite GOP talking points “We’re going to take our country back!!!”. What are you taking it back from? Where are you taking it back to? We may never know the answer to these questions. By the way, if you want to know what actual doctors think of this, you would be (well, not) at all surprised at how wrong Trump is on this subject:






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist
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Hey everyone it’s the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



Spoiler alert! Probably! The NHL playoffs are in full swing right now, how is your team doing? Mine not only didn’t make it but was at or near the bottom most of the season. Well one team that’s not in it and has been in the news for a very controversial reason. Racism. Well, not so much in the proverbial sense of racism, but really more like they had a past history of racism. You know like when you discover that you made racist jokes 10 years ago and now you go “it’s not me!!!”. Thanks Twitter search! But the Flyers are in the news because they removed a statue of Kate Smith after some old lyrics surfaced. If you don’t know who that is, Kate Smith is the America flag-waving songwriter who sang such classic songs like “God Bless America” that are still in use today. Why is this controversial? Well…





Well that is a good question! And I think this outrage concerning Kate Smith is walking a fine line between “is it racist” and it is not racist. So let’s expand on this further – it’s not just the Flyers – the Yankees also jumped ship on Kate Smith. But are they overreacting? Yeah probably. So why now – some nearly 33 years after Kate Smith died? Well there’s lots of reasons.





So what were their values then before they decided to do this? And if they’re not going to use Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” then whose are they going to use? If the Flyers and Yankees both support American values, they should take a good look at who’s currently serving in the White House before they practice what they preach.





So maybe just… maybe this is one of those things that might not actually be racist. Maybe the Flyers and the Yankees both jumped the gun here. What do Kate Smith’s actual relatives and Flyers fans think of this removal? Well they might be on that side. That answers the question “is it racist?” the answer might be probably / probably not.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates.



Is President Trump lying? Is water wet? OK that’s the end of the investigation piece, good night everybody! But in all seriousness, last year the entire world was shocked at the death of Otto Warmbier, who was visiting North Korea and arrested and tortured by North Korea’s glorious dictator Kim Jong Un, and died in a North Korean prison. Then there was a gigantic battle to get his body released and returned to the United States. Now, one year later, President Trump claims that he’s the world’s greatest hostage negotiator. Because of course he is. So last year, Kim Jong Un presented the US government with a bill for Warmbier’s hospital care. Seems like a dictator thing to do.





That is a very good point. Seems like a very dictatorial thing to do doesn’t it? He dies in your care and then you stick the other guy with the bill? What a very noble and Christian thing to do! Except for the fact that Kim Jong Un bows to no god but himself. So who should pay for Otto Warmbier’s $2 million hospital tab? Well, did Trump approve? Or did he not? That’s where the conflict arises.





So that’s where President Fake News comes in. North Korea sent him the bill and supposedly says he paid it but then again he says he doesn’t. And if anything happens between the US and North Korea in the next two years, consider it the fault of an unpaid tab. Note to European countries: this is the kind of thing that happens when people are forced to pay for their medical care.





That’s the question as old as time – who gets stuck with the check? Is it North Korea or is it the United States? Either way there’s a rather gigantic tab to settle and so far there are no takers. In fact probably no one wants to pay this bill. But it exists, and it must be paid no matter who it is stuck with. But… that begs even further question as to whether or not President Trump is the world’s greatest hostage negotiator like he claims. Easy answer: he’s not. Especially if he’s stuck with that tab.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.



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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of San Diego, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we’ve been speaking out against the unholy, ungodly Dark One since we began this church. Now next year is an election year. And there are a billion candidates running to unseat the Dark One. Well, maybe not a billion. At least 21 that we know of. But there’s one candidate above all the others who is getting a lot of attention from my fellow zealots, and not exactly what one would call a flattering way. I’m of course talking about the mayor of South Bend, Indiana and one of the current front runners, a man by the name of Pete Buttigieg. But what is it about this particular individual that has my fellow zealots on the right up in arms? Well…





That is most certainly a good question oh LAWRD!!! Every election cycle, the Christian right always point out how we should “hate the sin, not the sinner” and that it’s “GAWD’s judgement”. Well, that doesn’t fly in my church!! We don’t play by that rule here. We support Mayor Pete! Now it of course brings me great joy to see our religious breathen have their talking points thrown back at them. Since of course that’s what we do here. But the feud between Rev Graham and Mayor Pete has escalated. Quickly.





And yes he is oh LAWRD! And if there’s one thing we don’t want to see, it’s that the GOP is flaunting their sexuality! I don’t want to see that, do you? But here’s the thing that I want to know – they call themselves “the Christian right” but they are wrong all the time! They’re even wrong on the good LAWRD JAYSUS! And if they’re wrong on JAYSUS what else can they be wrong on? Well, everything!





Well actually you are wrong, very wrong! Can I get an amen??? And by the way how great is our gospel choir? Let’s hear it for them! But the Christian right is losing this battle, as they are losing every battle they attempt to fight. So why fight this one? The more they harp on Pete Buttigeig for being gay, the more they make him stronger! Really, they should just call this one a day and retreat with their tail between their legs.





Yes, don’t you dare put that evil on us, Franklin Graham! That should be the takeaway you get from today’s sermon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Armenian Genocide Recognition
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Let’s liven things up and talk about genocide. You know, nothing gets a good gut laugh like state sanctioned torture and mass murder. But first we need some music.




Ah love some System Of A Down! So why won’t we have them on our show? Well they’re not exactly what one would call “easy to get a hold of”. But I am playing this to bring a point. HEY! US Government!!! Recognize the Armenian Genocide already!!! This is something that’s not easy for a government to do because it would definitely mean that they would have to admit their own faults as a society. Why is it so hard to do? Well there’s plenty of reasons why it should be recognized, but also plenty of reasons why they shouldn’t. What’s one reason why they shouldn’t? Well it would cause the US to answer for their past crimes in this subject area. And by the way instead of playing our usual humorous memes and clips, we’re instead going to replace them all with System Of A Down songs, because you can’t joke about this tragedy, and there’s no one understands this subject better than they do! So what’s to stop them from doing this?





Ah, I love that band so much. So why talk about this now? Well, we recently remembered the 100th anniversary of this horrifying chapter in modern history, and since history seems to be repeating itself with the rise of white supremacism and neo nationalism, this cannot be fucking forgotten! Thank you audience! So if you research this tragedy who’s really to blame? And why has it taken so long to hold them accountable? The entire thing is a clusterfuck. And especially since Turkey – a country that is led by Putin stooge Erdogan, is well, on the side of genocide.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So that’s about where we are at as a society – if you stand with Vladimir Putin, well, you support genocide. At least France, with all the shit that’s currently going on in this country, is one of the more progressive ones in this regard. They are one of the western countries that is currently recognizing this atrocity. But let’s at least delve into some of the history on this subject if we are to properly understand it.





And by the way, don’t count on this guy to show his sensitive side regarding this dark chapter of humanity any time soon. I’m of course talking about Trump. Last week, he praised General Lee (yes, the real General Lee and not the Dukes of Hazard car), backed out of the UN Arms Treaty (fucking really?) and backed up his comments about how there’s “really fine people on both sides”. So if you’re holding your breath on whether or not he’ll recognize the tragedy any time soon, you may exhale now.






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[font size="8"]No!: Operation Varsity Blues
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When you give stupid people a lot of money, don’t be surprised when they do something stupid with it, and of course you probably know where I’m going with this – Operation Varsity Blues. Which is shaping up to be one of the dumbest scandals involving rich idiots since the Fyre Festival. I will admit it – I am obsessed with this story and I cannot get enough of it, because it’s really a testament to how much people hate the uber-rich. Because they’re just like us, only they have money. And when they’re just like us, with money, they tend to spend it very foolishly. As demonstrated by Lori Laughlin.

Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, designer Mossimo Giannulli, pleaded not guilty on Monday relating to fraud and conspiracy charges brought against them by federal prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues investigation. Loughlin and Giannulli were two of 33 parents charged in the largest college admissions scandal in American history.

According to documents obtained by CBS News, Loughlin and Giannulli each waived their right to appear in court for an arraignment and pleaded not guilty to each of the charges brought against them.

Loughlin and Giannull allegedly paid $500,000 to have their two daughters categorized as recruits to the USC crew team even though neither participated in the sport. Their 19-year-old daughter, Olivia Jade, is a social media influencer, who apparently capitalized on her experience at USC with sponsored posts.

Loughlin and Giannulli were arrested last month on a single charge of conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud. An indictment brought last week added a charge of money laundering conspiracy against the couple and 14 other parents. Loughlin posted a $1 million bond last month..
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/lori-loughlin-enters-not-guilty-plea-husband-mossimo-giannulli-college-admissions-scandal-operation-varsity-blues/



Yeah except Loughlin probably won’t be getting a bad court thingy any time soon. So the question is who else is involved? How deep does this go? Deep enough, thank you sir! Always a smart ass in the audience isn’t there? But this might be my favorite part of the scandal – they are trying to say that they did nothing wrong! Oh go cue the world’s tiniest violin.





NO!!! !We don’t need dim-witted celebrities and their equally dim-witted kids taking admissions away from people who worked their ass off to get into college and land their dream jobs! And not only are they competing who can spend the most money to get their kids in, they’re getting international help as well! I mean what, does USC need its’ own international airport? I mean they *COULD* use an international airport!





Holy shit!!! $25 million? Damn, here I am in the wrong business! I am entertaining you people, at the Wednesday at 2:00 PM slot, instead I should be hustling celebrities and universities! But here’s a thing – what does China want with America’s higher institutions of learning? Well this is shocking, but not really all that shocking.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And I love these stories because they never disappoint. So who is stupid this week? I want to start with this story out of Michigan. Here’s the thing – would you tell your parents about your spank bank? And more importantly, would you have a spank bank that costs as much as a new Honda Accord? Well, there was this guy who not only did both, he is actually suing his parents for destruction of property to the tune of almost $100K. Ha ha ha, yes, thank you Marge, does anybody need that much porno? Well this guy does. Really, dude, just chalk this one up as a loss and move on.





Yeah even Loki won’t touch that one! And he’s the god of mischief, don’t you know? Next up, we got a lot of stories from the Sunshine State! Yes, our good friend Florida Man has been quite busy lately! Remember that movie Mallrats by Kevin Smith? It features a hilarious scene where Jay & Silent Bob go after the Easter Bunny only to get mauled by a group of freaked out kids waiting in line. Well, think of this as the Easter Bunny’s revenge.





Ha ha, I love that movie!! Next up – turtles!!! And not just Florida, what’s up with Orlando this week? It seems that there’s a lot of crazy stories coming out of Orlando lately. Well, when you’re at a Starbucks after a bender, what does one do to pass the time? I know! Let’s threaten people with an army of turtles, and I for one welcome our new turtle overlords. We already have one serving as Senate Majority Leader. Hey o!!!! Thank you I’m here all week, don’t forget to tip your waitress!





Next up – we go to the land down under, Australia. Yes, there are stupid people in Australia, there’s stupid people everywhere! And I don’t remember ever getting this in a Happy Meal when I was a kid, this might be the worst Happy Meal toy ever!





Another awesome movie. Finally this week for People Are Dumb – we go to Wisconsin for this one, and we might have to give Wisconsin the title of “Florida Of The North”. And this is exactly what happens when you live in a rural town where there’s nothing to do. There’s plenty of ways that you could wreck some serious havoc in a Wal-Mart, but really, don’t do this.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



We are in the home stretch here, people! Last week, Alabama showed Mississippi who’s boss in the Family Values Conference by absolutely putting on an epic show and routing them by a whopping 24 points to win the Family Values Conference and set the tone for the Flyover League championship. Now we go to the Layover League as the Batshit Conference Championship commences! It’s Kentucky vs red hot newcomer Georgia in a winner take all contest! We’re live in Ontario, California at the home of the Ontario Reign and UC Riverside, the Citizens Business Bank Arena, for all the action! Who will become the new kings of guano? We will find out! Let’s break out the brackets so you can follow along!



[font size="4"]Kentucky Vs Georgia[/font]

[font size="4"]Kentucky[/font]


So we’re back in the Bluegrass State everybody! Since Florida left the conference, Kentucky frequently owns this conference as they’re home to the nation’s two worst senators – senate majority leader Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. Yes, that Rand Paul, the guy who didn’t know that monkey pancakes weren’t a thing. They’re also home to the worst governor in the country – Matt Bevin, a hardcore Christian fundamentalist who blames everything for bad things that happen but, say guns.





Oh come on, even Shaq is giving you the facepalm. I mean really… teacher sickouts are the reason why shootings happen? You should join those morons in Texas who blame school shootings on schools having too many exits. And I mean Kentucky is so hardcore Trump that you can’t even get food at a food truck without being lectured about the Trump lifestyle brand. Really, these fucking people.





And by the way here’s one of the craziest things ever. Not only does Kentucky have two of the worst national level senators, they also elect local reps as batshit crazy as the people who live in this state. It’s really a second Florida if you think about it. One of the GOP’s current favorite punching bags is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and the fact that she simply exists is enough to drive the most hardcore Trump humper crazy.





[font size="4"]Georgia[/font]


Last time we checked in with Georgia, they were still reeling from that insane election that saw Stacy Abrhams ousted as governor in what appeared to be an attempted coup engineered by crazy people with a white supremacist agenda. And white supremacy still thrives in Georgia, which explains why they’re so batshit crazy. I mean look just because you’re next to Florida doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to smell Florida’s stink! But they do. and they get people like this who claim that their free speech is being persecuted. How dare you be intolerant of my intolerance!!





And by the way – republicans always scream that their views aren’t heard. That is complete and utter bullshit! They’re heard everywhere! And we’re supposed to just shake our head and go “OK”. But really they want a totalitarian dictatorship and they will get it whether we want it or not. But do we really have to put up with their shit like this? I can’t imagine this will end well.





Yeah you think? And remember when George Bush famously uttered the words “Is our children learning”? Well, no they aren’t, and there’s always a method for their madness. And that method might be – teachers are getting screwed! And Georgia is one of the worst states in the country where teachers are getting screwed the most. No wonder people are so crazy down in the south. We need some more edumacation!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Ooh man this was a close one. It’s down to the wire – Kentucky came back and answered 16 to Georgia’s triple double run. Current score 88 – 86 with less than 30 seconds on the clock. Now down to 15 seconds… ten seconds… Georgia makes the shot… it’s in!!!! 3 pointer at the buzzer! Down goes Kentucky, Georgia moves on!!! What an upset here folks!!! The Stone Mountain racists of Georgia have knocked off conference favorite Kentucky! Oh my god! Wow, what a performance!

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week the final two states are vying for their spot in the Final Four and it’s a battle to see who can go for broke with the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship! We’re live from the home of the San Diego St Aztecs , the Viejas Arena for all the action! And it’s a battle of the Beltways as two conference juggernauts – Wisconsin and Michigan will faceoff to see who will move on! Stay tuned!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Periphery[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest are a really awesome metal band from Baltimore. Playing their song “Blood Eagle” from their album “Periphery IV: Hail Stan”, give it up for Periphery!!




Thank you San Diego!!! We had an awesome time! We will be back soon! We’re off to Mizzoula, Montana next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: American Comedy Club, San Diego, CA
Special Thanks To: American Comedy Club Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UC San Diego Choir Club, La Jolla, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holdersArticles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Research: Top 10 Research Department
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April 24, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-15: Wheel Of Corruption: The Second Part Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-15: Wheel Of Corruption: The Second Part Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Sign up now and get 4 free phones and unlimited gigs on the superfast nationwide 4G LTE network! We are back! What’s up Denver? You guys doing fucking good? Yeah we’re back, rested and ready to go to finish out the first half of 2019. And how about the Colorado Avalanche! You guys ready to take on the Sharks? Yeah that was quite the insane matchup wasn't it? Whew. And by the way I think we can all agree that the international symbol for choking should now be changed to this:



What? Are you a Vegas fan, sir? Give it a chance, we just got up here! For those of you viewing / listening at home there's people already leaving! Do we have time for the thing? Good. So we got to talk about hacked passwords for a minute. So CNN (Trump voice: FAKE NEWS!!!) released a report of the most hacked passwords and it was certainly very interesting. Almost reminiscent of the famous scene from Spaceballs. But what was really the oddity is that our good friends Blink 182 were the most hacked password among musical acts, with the Cowboys and Superman rounding out the top 3. But the band wasn’t having any of it. Even going so far as to hit up fans for alternate suggestions of what they should use as their password. Although if you do use any of the suggested ones, you should probably change those too. Of course, if you use 123456 as your password, not only do you fail cybersecurity, you also fail at life. In fact, you’re probably on the same level as President Skroob from Spaceballs.



OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to cover, but first John Oliver is back and he delves head first into the latest findings from the Mueller report:



Wow, this was the week to end all weeks this week. Whatever that means. And we also probably picked the wrong week to have the Wheel Of Corruption, but fuck it, this is my show! So the guy who we call president, Donald J. Trump takes up a whopping four slots this week! In the first slot is the latest fallout from the Mueller Report (1) – is Trump completely exonerated? In the second slot this week is also Donald Trump (2). While we were horrified at last week’s Notre Dame fire and this week’s unspeakable tragedy in Sri Lanka, one thing you can always count on is for Trump to say the stupidest and most insensitive thing possible! In the third slot this week is also Donald Trump (3) – and while Boeing has had its’ fair share of problems surrounding their controversial 737 Max 8 plane, rebranding is the least of their worries. Taking the fourth slot this week, we’re going to introduce you to a New Mexico Militia (4) that has been rounding up immigrants at the border and turning them over to ICE, and if that wasn’t evil enough, just wait until you meet their leader! For the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and I don’t know if you saw this extremely alarming piece from the LA Times, the City Of Inglewood is experiencing some heat from the new LA Rams stadium and it’s an absolute disaster for longtime residents, we will go behind the scenes. Taking the 6th slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and sigh… Liberty University’s favorite crackpot Nostradumbass, Mark Taylor, just won’t seem to go away, and his predictions are getting nuttier than ever! In the 7th slot this week, we have a new edition of “This Fucking Guy” and the last time we did this we discussed Trump’s pick for the Fed, Herman Cain, and now that he’s withdrawn, we’re going to introduce you to Trump’s other pick for the Fed – Stephen Moore (7) and whew, he crazy. For the 8th slot this week, we have an all new “Beating A Dead Horse” – does Bernie Sanders being a millionaire from his book deal excuse him from trash talking the upper 1%? No!!!! in the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week is an all new “I Need A Drink” – it seems that rapper Drake is on a bit of a losing streak lately, and by that, we mean every single team or athlete that he roots for, loses. So is the Drake Curse a thing? We shall find out! And our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019 continues! This time it’s a Bible Belt battle royale as Mississippi takes on Alabama for the Family Values championship! The winner moves on to the Final Four, the loser goes home! Plus we have some live music from one of the great metal bands of all time – Dream Theater! Really, buy their new album Distance Over Time right now or you’re no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone say it with me: It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Election Theft
- Buy A Vowel
- Sex
- Clip Without Context
- Greed
- Spying
- Flying
- Food
- Elections
- The Border
- Donald Trump
- Clip Without Context
- Chance
- 5,000
- Bankrupt
- Community Chest
- Donald Trump
- A Random Tweet
- Something Random In The News
- ‘Merica!
- Golf
- 10,000
- Morally Bankrupt
- Guacamole
- Clip Without Context
- Talk Shows
- Holy Shit
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Harry Potter
- 15,000
- People Are Dumb
- Donald Trump
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s do it!!! Spin the wheel and it goes round and round and round… where does it land? Well it lands on… Donald Trump. Of course we got to talk about it – the Mueller Report is everywhere, much like that K-Pop girl band BLACKPINK – you had no idea who they were two months ago, now they’re everywhere and selling out Madison Square Garden! But you know what – while Trump is gloating about how he’s innocent, it certainly doesn’t get him off the hook for being one of the most crooked and dishonest individuals who’s been president since Nixon!





Yeah Trump is like that guy. So where does this all lead? You can’t immediately scream impeachment – in our 250 year history there has been no president who has been successfully removed from office, and there’s only been 3 impeachment attempts in our history. How do you walk that line if you’re a member of the opposition? Well it’s a very tricky line to walk.





Yeah so if you’re Trump how do you combat this? I know! It’s time to resort to everyone’s favorite tactic when shit doesn’t go your way – the lawsuit! Oh… please, lawsuits always work out so well don’t they when it comes to “combatting the libtards”! Just ask Devin Nunes and that kid from that church in Kentucky how well that’s going!





Well yeah you’re actually wrong on this one Trump! And if you thought you lived through the worst of republicanism, whether it’s from Bush V Gore, to the Tea Party, to Glenn Beck, to Alex Jones to Benghazi and every bullshit scandal Fox News pulled out of their ass against Obama, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet in regards to the Mueller report!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round… oh hey it’s a clip without context!



You know that look on the Easter Bunny’s face really says it all doesn’t it? Spin it again! And it lands on Donald Trump again! You know, it’s in the Top 10 official policy that we don’t joke about tragedy – whether we lost a piece of humanity that we won’t be able to reclaim in the Notre Dame disaster, or the horrifying tragedy on Easter Sunday in Sri Lanka. But there’s one thing that you can always count on, just like death and taxes, is that Trump will say the most stupid, heartless, and insensitive thing possible to the point where it shuts down governments and they’re like “LET’S FIGURE IT OUT!!!!”. So what stupid and insensitive thing did he say in regards to the Notre Dame disaster?





Hey, what a great idea! Let’s drop 150 tons of water onto a structure that was built in the 1100s with absolutely no reinforcement! Oh wait, it would completely destroy the ancient world wonder. In fact this live-tweeting of the event by Trump was so jaw-dropping, unbelievably stupid that the French government literally had to stop what they’re doing to respond to the awfulness:





Yes, thank you Stephen! Off with you sir! Of course as if the Notre Dame disaster wasn’t horrifying enough, everyone on Sunday woke up to the devastating suicide bombing in Sri Lanka that killed almost 300 people. As if that wasn’t shitty enough – ISIS – which had supposedly been eradicated thanks to Trump – had been claiming responsibility for the attack! But guess what? Trump once again says the most stupid and insensitive thing possible!





Well that’s half true. I mean 138 million??? That’s the number he came up with? I mean it was 138 when I saw it, he’s off by several zeroes there. By the way in case you’re wondering how much 138 million people is, Mexico’s *ENTIRE* population is a total of 117 million, that’s just 17 million more on that tiny island! And to put things in perspective, the actual population of Sri Lanka is 21.7 million, so this is 635 times higher than the original island's population! You really can't make this stuff up! Why is my voice getting so high?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s hit the spin cycle!!! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Donald Trump!



Dude, put a bra on that thing! There's children that could be watching! Besides, your upper back could use the extra support! Spin it again! Wait, Donald Trump again? Is the wheel broken? Can we get the crew out here again to fix this thing? I swear when you transport it, things get lost when you go to set it up. The crew is out here fixing it, I will just play some Words With Friends on my phone. Come on, play the intermission music already!



OK we’re back! Spin it again! Shit, OK we got to do Trump for a third entry this week. I mean it is a wheel, it has a finite number of items on it. So Boeing’s ill-fated 737 Max 8 is still in the news and for all the wrong reasons. And of course, you can always count on Trump to say something stupid and fucking crazy because he has access to social media, and he only uses it for bad things. You know just once I want to see Trump tweet about puppies or fields full of flowers, but eh, he won’t do that. Instead, he chooses to tweet shit like this:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1117736685721223168

Well, at least here he admits that he knows nothing! Because I got news for ya, Trump, rebranding is the least of the 737 Max 8’s problems!





Yeah and you might as well convince your children that it’s safe to get candy from the guy in that creepy looking panel van parked across the street! Go on, it’s safe! Eat all the Reese’s you want! But really Mr. Mullenburger couldn’t possibly convince us that a plane that guides itself straight into the ground while pilots have to look up the instructions on how to use the autopilot system mid flight is safe! In fact some airports just plain can’t handle the 737 Max 8. Talk about a clusterfuck!





Yeah I can imagine operating an automatic pilot is kind of like that! Maybe we could just call it the 737 Trump Edition! Because everything he touches turns to shit anyways. And in fact, the problems that the 737 Max 8 has been having overseas may be coming stateside! Just look at what happened with this Southwest flight from Orlando to a maintenance facility in Victorville.





Yeah it’s fine all right! Everything is just peachy keen with the 737 Max 8! Just slap a new name on it and call it a day, right? Well that’s all well and good in Trump world, but just remember – he knows nothing and he admits it freely now! The deplorables just won’t care. Hey, it’s their funeral! Just remember that airlines won’t be ordering any more Max 8s. But really Boeing, the bottom line is the least of your problems:






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[font size="8"]Larry Hopkins
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! No, a whammy!!!



Spin it again. and it lands on… the border! Hey, there’s a topic we haven’t discussed on the wheel here yet! So we got to talk about this creep. There’s a group of armchair patriots calling themselves the “United Constitutional Patriots”, and hey, with a name like that, you know that they’re a group of real winners. Well, maybe they’re winning in the Donald Trump sense, because he’s enabled the creeps and losers like this. They’ve been going around the border and “arresting people” – mainly immigrants – and handing them over to ICE. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Are they cops? No. do they have any authority to do this? No. Are they enabled by Trump and Fox News? You betcha! In fact here’s more on this group of winners:





Wait, an armed militia wannabe has a criminal background and was stockpiling weapons that he can’t use? I’m shocked, shocked I tell you!!! Well, he’ll be getting his day in court and it looks like he’ll be locked up relatively soon. But this guy was yet another one of Trump’s “very fine people” on both sides. But really, there’s just one side that’s attracting the creeps and low lifes and that’s the GOP.





So do I! And if you guessed that they had absolutely no authority to do this, you are absolutely, 100% correct! Although if you’re shocked by this, you’re in the wrong place. If you are not in any way shocked at all by this, the New Mexico governor is on your side. Of course they’re not authorized to do this, they’re patriots you know!





Yeah I think it’s about a mild shock at this point. Now here’s where it gets weird. Wait, did I say weird? I mean this is par for the course for the Trump fans here. Not only did Mr. Hopkins illegally round up immigrants, and he had stockpiled weapons that he can’t use because of his criminal history, guess what else? He had a hit list of people he wanted to kill which included – wait for it – Obama, Hillary, and George Soros! Hey, we hit the trifecta here! Whew, who had the over / under on this one??






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Ram It Into Bankruptcy
[br] [/font] [br]

You are now entering… THE SPIN ZONE!!! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Oh it’s the Guacamole option! Hey man, Colorado, surprisingly is home to some of the best Mexican food in America, and I do love some good Mexican food, as we have seen in previous editions, so my sous chef, Fernando has been learning from some of the best. Come on out here, Fernando! I have this great plate of carnitas here… and now Fernando is going to make my tableside guacamole, here we go. Not too much tomato, some salt and lime… Wow, look at that!



That’s Fernando everybody! Let’s try some of this… oh that’s good! Spin it again! hey, it’s time for Top 10 Investigates!

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The city of Inglewood, California is undergoing a renaissance as the new epicenter of Los Angeles with the new colossal and expensive new home of the Los Angeles Rams set to open next year. But what kind of effect is the new, as yet unnamed stadium going to hold for the long time local residents who make up the city of Inglewood? Well, it’s having some positive effects, but a whole lot of negative ones as well, and a lot of the longtime residents are being, well, forced out. In fact the new stadium is having a staggering effect on Inglewood’s economy.





Yes damn those long time home owners and residents of the city, always wanting more. But how much more do they want? In fact, they actually want less. In fact the new stadium and also a new proposed stadium threaten one of the city’s landmarks – the Forum. So how would the Forum be effected by a new stadium and the proposed building? Well, a whole lot, actually.





Ouch, if you put that into perspective, that’s an almost 238% increase in the cost of rent. And we’ve seen some of the apartment buildings in Inglewood, they’re not exactly something that you should pay that much for. But what can be done about it? The new stadium will accommodate two teams – the NFL’s Rams and Chargers, meaning that for 16 weeks out of the year, there will be no off season time when the NFL starts back up. Here’s one take on the rising rent in Inglewood.





And the pay is too damn low! In fact the city of Inglewood is actually doing something to help curb the skyrocketing rent. Well if they think that the new NFL stadium is causing headaches, wait until a new NBA stadium comes in! And Inglewood has exactly 4 years to prepare for this, so they had better get ready for the impending economic disaster that could be forthcoming in 2024.





Bernie is right. Greed is not good. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it!! Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, wheel goes round… Something random in the news!





Worst happy meal toy ever! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around, my brothers and sisters of Colorado! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation!!!! You know it’s good to be back! Thank you sir! Last time we congregated, I told you that we could predict the future of religion on this planet that we live on. But there’s one guy who literally gets paid to predict the future! Well, he doesn’t really get paid to predict the future, but he gets paid, somehow, and makes some truly awful predictions. I’m of course talking about Liberty University’s favorite crackpot wannabe “prophet” Mark Taylor. Mark Taylor, as you know, Liberty University made a movie about him, and he just won’t stop predicting truly awful things. Like this.





Yeah they could be, sir. But I’m pretty sure that the type of justice that Mr. Taylor has in mind certainly is not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, is it? Well, now, the LAWRD works in mysterious ways, does he not? I mean really does he think this is a possibility? Can the dead suddenly come back to life and run for president? And in the opposing party? Is he really that stupid??? Yes, yes he is!





Yes, yes it does! I mean god, and Liberty University likes this guy? I might have to have a talk with the Rev. Falwell Jr, because he is quite literally off his rocker. I mean do they really think they are representing the good LAWRD JAYSUS here? I would think that even the LAWRD might frown on this next prediction!





I don’t think that even the good LAWRD JAYSUS knows what to do with this one, for it says in the good book that you should judge not lest ye be judged! They’re convinced of this nonsense that justice will be served, whatever that is. This guy is certifiably insane, and he really needs to stop making predictions, because he is making some truly awful and terrible ones, like this:



Can we drop this nonsense already? No, because they are that completely stupid and insane, and they will believe anything that they’re told! And by the way give it up for our gospel choir, how great are they? We’ve seen some insane theories from Mr. Taylor but I think this might be one of his most insane yet:





That’s funny, I don’t remember that being part of our party platform! You get nothing, you lose, good day sir! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Stephen Moore
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a nice strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh it’s another clip without context!



Yeah BOOOOOOOO!!! You know just when you think you’ve heard the GOP say the dumbest thing possible, they continue down that path every day. Spin it again!! Hey it’s time for This Fucking Guy!



So the last time we did this segment, we profiled Trump’s pick for the Federal Reserve Board, Herman Cain, a guy so toxic that even longtime GOP senators and Trump loyalists wouldn’t vote for him to run the most powerful bank in the world. Well, Trump certainly has a way of picking people doesn’t he? I mean because this next guy who he has waiting in line for the job is Stephen Moore. And if you want to know some of Stephen Moore’s greatest hits, then you don’t have to look very far because well, like most of Trump’s cabinet picks, Moore is a creepy weirdo and everyone knows it!





Wait, why does he have a problem with women beer vendors? I know I don’t! They make beer and I want to drink it! So what’s the problem with that? And if that’s not enough, he really has a problem with women in sports. And you can forget about the ladies being officials in his favorite sporting events like football and baseball, because he won’t have any of it!





Yes you probably have a point there, ladies! And by the way if you’re wondering what a dangerous jackass Stephen Moore could potentially be when he’s in control of the fed, well, guess what? You’re probably right on that one! Here’s another guy I wouldn’t be putting in charge of spending $10, not running the most powerful bank in the world. If you guess that he couldn’t handle his finances, well, you’re right!





Holy shit!!! And Trump is trusting this guy with running the Fed when he can’t even manage his own fucking life to the tune of $300K??? GTFO!!! Here’s why putting partisan hacks like Moore and Cain could potentitally be not only dangerous, but could have consequences that could last decades after they’re long gone. I mean Trump seems to attract a certain type doesn’t he? Creeps, lowlifes, sexual harassers, and the extremely incompetent. That’s Stephen Moore in a nutshell!





That’s right. That’s Stephen Moore – this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… A RANDOM TWEET!

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1119372874442108928

Did you guys read the report? Because it says literally the exact opposite. Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Beating A Dead Horse!



Let’s talk about the big election in 2020, one that already has an unprecedented number of presidential candidates who are either running or announcing that they're going to run. One candidate who’s no stranger to the big dance is Bernard Sanders. And Bernie has received the most scrutiny of any other candidate because for the rest of his term he's a registered independent. He runs as a democrat because even he knows that independent candidates generally have no chance in hell of winning a general election and usually wind up flipping votes to conservative candidates. But even the almighty Bernie Sanders isn't immune from the kind of scrutiny every presidential candidate faces. Yes, last week Bernie bros and gals everywhere were shocked to learn that the candidate who they so admire for trash talking the upper 1% - surprise – is a member of the upper 1%! What happened? Did that really just blow your mind? No? Now people who oppose the longtime Vermont senator are saying that it detracts from the discussion about one of Bernie’s key campaign issues – income inequality. But does it really? The answer is no! Bernie can talk about whatever he wants! So why is this such a big deal among Bernie’s base? The answer might surprise you!





So the term “socialist millionaire” may seem like a total and complete oxymoron. Does that excuse Bernie from the debate about income inequality? Well, let me fill you in on a little secret about how the economy works: Bernie has a product to sell, and you don’t. That’s right – people bought his book because they wanted to hear what he had to say, and they didn’t buy your door to door drone delivery service, because your drone flew to the wrong house and got shot down! That’s a nice return on investment for you! What makes Bernie qualified to talk about income inequality if he’s a member of the upper 1%?





That’s a good point Homer! And why should Bernie apologize? Well I think I speak for everyone when I say “Who gives a fuck???”. Let Bernie speak!!! Here’s the thing – we got 21 candidates now running for president and we really only know where two of them stand on anything! Was it a crime that Bernie wrote something that people actually wanted to read? Well, he wrote it and you bought it!





It’s probably a good thing that Bernie doesn’t apologize for anything. But Bernie’s got a point you see, unlike Trump, Bernie released the last 10 years of his tax returns. That automatically makes Bernie a better man than Trump because his tax returns are out in the open and he didn’t cheat on his 3 wives with prostitutes. And that’s where Bernie uses his wealth controversy to hammer out a new tax plan!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin it to win it! And it lands on… wait for it…….. Oh it’s a clip without context!!



I’ll take a guy who’s married and faithful to his husband than a guy who cheats on his wives and gets spanked with a copy of Forbes Magazine that has his picture on the cover, thanks! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for I Need A Drink!



You know by now that the idea behind this is that we cocktail, and while we’re cocktailing we talk about literally anything in the world as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And we’re in Denver here, it’s the Mile High City, so keep in mind that one drink here in Denver is equal to five once you get closer to sea level. This week, our subject is sports curses. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a sports curse? A glass of Haterade? What’s that? Vodka and Gatorade? Nah, I’ll stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So Drake… what the fuck is up??? Last week Drake, who is a die hard Toronto fan, showed up rooting for his team, the Maple Leafs, and they lost to the Bruins. Yeah so thank Drake when yet *ANOTHER* Boston team wins a championship. Can we stop that from happening please? Drake, maybe you should stop rooting for teams!





So the Drake curse is a thing! And it doesn’t just stem from one little loss that could have sent the Leafs to the next round of the playoffs. Here’s where it gets weird. It’s a whole pattern of teams that Drake roots for that lose. Kentucky? Lost. Conor McGregor? Lost. Roma? Lost. Raptors? Lost. Now Drake’s on a tear through the soccer world that has teams both cheering and jeering having the rapper as a fan!





So what do coaches and players think of the Drake Curse? Well when Drake goes to Europe, he’s a fan of Italian soccer team FC Roma, and they are not having any of it. In fact they have actually go so far as to ban their players from taking pictures with the rapper himself!





And then there was the actual coach of the Maple Leafs who doesn’t exactly buy into the whole concept that there’s a curse surrounding Drake. If he doesn’t think it’s a thing then its not a thing!





But there is a flipside to every curse. There’s south London team Crystal Palace which has had its’ fair share of shaky seasons but then last week had that monstrous and unexpected win against Manchester United. And who was in attendance? That’s right – Drake! So was the curse lifted with just one unexpected win? Maybe. Maybe not.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
[br] [/font] [br]

Let's spin the wheel one final time this week! And it lands on... oh hey another clip without context!



These fucking people... sigh. spin it again! It's time for Stupidest State 2019! Hit it!

16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Last week we began first round play from Reno as Florida totally annihilated Oregon to win the Gun Nut Conference championship and advance to the Final Four! This week, we’re live in Sacramento at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the fabulous Golden 1 Center for the Family Values Conference Championship! This time around, bitter rivals Alabama take on the mighty Mississippi for the battle of the Jesus crown! Alabama owns this conference and they are no stranger to the dance, while red hot Mississippi proves they’ve got the skills, know how and stupidity to advance to the Final Four and ultimately control of the Flyover League! Who thumps the Bible better? Why it’s time to find out!



[font size="4"]Mississippi Vs Alabama[/font]

[font size="4"]Mississippi[/font]


So Mississippi is obviously no stranger to this dance as they’ve been a Final Four contender multiple years in a row. You know the confederacy is so deeply engrained in their culture that they can’t give it up. And what does that get you? well, it gets you an invitation to our Stupidest State contest and an advantage in the Family Values Conference. Well, JAYSUS is so strong here that he promotes some hardcore racism at that. And racism is never a good thing no matter what. What a great idea – bring back some good old fashioned cross burnings! David Duke would be proud!





And speaking of the confederacy, why is it that the most hardcore religious states are also the most hardcore pro-fascism states? It’s almost like they want us to be ruled by a totalitarian religious theocracy. And the words “do unto others” definitely don’t apply here. So what happens when these ultra conservative “patriots” get together?





Yeah that would probably be a good thing there, Alex! But in case you’re wondering Mississippi’s hardcore religious values, well, they’re bringing back the Ten Commandments. And in places where you probably shouldn’t have the Ten Commandments.





[font size="4"]Alabama[/font]


Alabama is back everybody! And just when you think it was safe to go into malls and cheerleading practices, guess who’s back? That’s right! Roy Moore, the wannabe cowboy with a giant hat and a very tiny pistol (use that metaphor as you will!), is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaackl!!! Yes, he’s back ladies and just when you thought it was safe for your teenage daughters, well, you might want to reconsider your thoughts because unfortunately, it’s Mississippi. And unfortunately after the absolute hell we went through with that election, Roy Moore is the best they got.





Wow, only 29% unfavorable? Even after all his creepy sexual nonsense and escapades? That party really has a type don’t they? There’s Trump, there’s O’Reilly, there’s Moore, I could go on and on naming creepy GOP perverts. But it gets worse. So much worse. He’s actually leading in the polls!!! I mean come on WTF!!!





Yeah seriously, Alabama? What is wrong with you??? Damn it! I mean first Sheriff Joe won’t go away now we have to deal with Roy Moore again? You know what the definition of insanity is right? So please let’s keep electing the same assholes who drove us into the ground. It’s only going to get worse. Thankfully the Alabama GOP isn’t having any of it.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Oh no contest. Alabama utterly routed Mississippi and they will challenge last year’s champions Florida for the Layover League crown. Final score – 91 – 67. Alabama will move on to the Final Four, and Mississippi unfortunately is shown the door.

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week the Round 2 action continues! It’s Round 2 Week 3 and we’re heading over to the Layover League for the Batshit Conference Championship! We’re live at the home of the Ontario Reign and UC Riverside, the Citizens Business Bank Arena in Ontario, CA for the action! Kentucky takes on red hot Georgia to become the reigning kings of guano! One of these two teams will advance, the other goes home! Stay tuned!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Dream Theater[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am super excited to have my next guest on – the legendary kings of progressive metal. Their latest album is called “Distance Over Time”. You can see them live on tour through May 1st. Playing their song “Barstool Warrior”, give it up for the one, the only Dream Theater!




Thank you Denver and the Colorado Podcast Festival! We had an awesome time. We’re off to San Diego next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Colorado Convention Center, Denver, CO
Special Thanks To: Colorado Podcast Festival
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UC Denver Choir Club
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Dream Theater Appear Courtesy Of: Warner Music Group
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 20, 2019

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Dude, put a bra on that thing! There's children that could be watching! Besides, your upper back could use the extra support!

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week the Top 10 is live from the Colorado Podcast Convention with the famous Wheel Of Corruption! We delve into the latest from the Mueller report, find out if there's any bad cops from the Steele Dossier, Trump says something stupid and insensitive about the Notre Dame disaster, we wonder if Boeing should rebrand the 737 Max 8, and just when you think it's safe to go into malls and cheerleading practices, Roy Moore is back, ladies! Plus we also have a new "Beating A Dead Horse" - yeah we all know Bernie Sanders made a shit ton of money through his book deal, but does that mean he's still able to talk trash about the upper 1%? Yes! And in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we're going to find out what's going on in the city of Inglewood - turns out longtime residents aren't too happy about the colossal new stadium being built for the LA Rams and we're going to find out what's up. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", Liberty University's favorite crackpot, Mark Taylor, is back with some insane predictions and our resident pastor is going to go through them. Plus we have an all new I Need A Drink - is the Drake Curse a thing? We shall find out! And our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019 continues! It's Round 2 Week 2 and that means that it's a Family Values Faceoff - who will be Jesus' favorite - Mississippi or Alabama? We will find out! Plus we have live music from Dream Theater!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wed at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

April 17, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Best Of #8: Spring Break Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Best Of #8: Spring Break Edition

Welcome Back To The Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Oh, hello! I know, right? I can’t believe it’s Spring Break already! Party!!!! Well, while we’re tidying up our mobile set here and prepping the Wheel Of Corruption for future endeavors, we will be taking a short break this week. In the meantime we’ve got lots of things planned for the Top 10 including setting up a new Instagram account and we’re getting ready for our big University Tour! Yes, the Top 10 will be hitting the road and stopping at our higher learning institutions around the country. This is going to be very exciting as we will get a chance to explore audiences which we might not have been able to reach otherwise. We’ll be hitting universities from Rutgers to Michigan State to Oregon to Alabama State to UC Berkeley to Gonzaga to UCLA to Ohio State to everything in between this great nation of ours. Starting with Idiots #7-5 on July 10th of this year, we will be hitting the road. No more Chuckle Huts for a while, the Top 10 has graduated and moving on to college! Plus we will also be debuting some fresh content to go along with the universities that we will be touring. Oh and let's not forget our big Texas Roadshow to start the season! Where we will be asking one of the big questions in life: "Are there liberals in the Lone Star State?" and the answer of course is yes, but we will be finding out what's like to be liberal in Texas. Enough of my banter, let’s get to the dates and details!

7/17/19 – Athens, Georgia - University Of Georgia
7/24/19 – Gainesville, Florida - University Of Florida
7/31/19 - Raleigh, NC - University Of North Carolina
8/7/19 - Dark (Best Of)
8/14/19 – Lexington, Kentucky – University Of Kentucky
8/21/19 – New Brunswick, New Jersey – Rutgers University
8/28/19 – Syracuse, New York – Syracuse University *CANCELLED*
9/4/19 – Dark (Labor Day, Best Of)
9/11/19 – Lansing, Michigan – Michigan State University
9/18/19 – Chicago, IL – Northwestern University
9/25/19 – Columbia, Missouri – Mizzou
10/2/19 – Lawrence, Kansas – University Of Kansas
10/9/19 – **DARK** (Best Of)
10/16/19 – Phoenix, AZ – Arizona State University
10/23/19 – Las Vegas, NV – UNLV
10/30/19 – Eugene, OR – University Of Oregon
11/6/19 - Spokane, WA – Gonzaga University
11/13/19 – Boise, ID – Boise State
11/20/19 – Berkeley, CA – UC Berkeley
11/27/19 – Dark (Best Of)
12/4/19 – Palo Alto, CA – Stanford University
12/11/19 – Los Angeles, CA – University Of Southern California
12/18/19 – Los Angeles, CA – UCLA

Enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to for our Best Of. But first we’ll play the John Oliver segment where he destroys the WWE and their reckless policies:



For the top spot this week is the guy who we currently call president and that’s Donald J. Trump (1). From Idiots #6-2, remember that time when the championship Clemson Tigers visited the White House and Trump treated them to a fast food buffet, and then he hilariously misspelled “hamburgers”? So do we! Taking the second slot, from Idiots #6-7, the proposed “Green New Deal” from freshman representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is causing conservative heads to explode, mainly because they didn’t read it and are just making shit up about it. For the third slot, from Idiots #6-5, John Kasich got bumped from a flight and began to channel his inner Larry David in what seems like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode come to life. For the fourth slot, from Idiots #6-1 – Brazil’s election ushers in a new national nightmare as a guy who is called the “Trump Of The Tropics”, Jair Bolsonaro (4), got elected and his first order of business was purging the Brazillian government of its’ enemies. In the fifth slot this week, from Idiots #6-6, our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), is going to take a look at controversial home DNA testing company 23 & Me, and why it constantly gets data wrong, and why you should be alarmed about it. And from Idiots #6-3, in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, our resident pastor is going to ask the question “Would you kill Baby Hitler?” the answer might surprise you! For the seventh slot, from Idiots #6-10, can the world’s most famous stripper, Stormy Daniels, make it as a stand up comedian? She says yes, but actual comedians say no. For the 8th slot, from Idiots #6-8, we have “How Is This Still A Thing?” and people, you knew that interviewing Roseanne about anything was a bad idea going in, so why did you do it? In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot, from Idiots #6-12, it’s our special All Florida Man edition of People Are Dumb, because Florida Man brings the crazy extra hard. And finally to round out this Best Of Edition, we have the very last and final edition of Deep State Diaries (10) from Idiots #6-8, we hang out with the US State Department! Plus we’ll end with that time we had Cypress Hill on the show. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald J. Trump & The Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Week
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-2

Congratulations to the Clemson Tigers for winning this year’s College National Championship. What a game that was! I mean Alabama got their asses handed to them didn’t they? Well the Tigers will get to visit the White House. And remember what an honor that used to be? Well thanks to a certain guy who is currently called president, they might want to reconsider. Especially considering that he’s channeling his inner Richmond Valentine from the movie “Kingsman: The Secret Service”. Or maybe Kevin Spacey from House Of Cards. OK, bad example. Well, Clemson, here’s what you got waiting for you!





That’s right! No shut down means no White House staff which means no White House kitchen staff to cook for the Clemson team! So you could say that this is a House Of Carbs! And by the way this is what happens when the country is run by the less sophisticated – they actually enjoyed it! Either their standards are incredibly low or they haven’t had a decent meal in months! What is Clemson feeding them?





Wow, how our standards have fallen as a society. Really he’s the kind of guy who would replace the White House kitchen with a McDonalds and Burger King just because he could. And he’s also fat and has no taste. And by the way let’s show that picture of Trump with the spread.



First off why is Trump like so proud of this? He’s feeding a championship football team garbage fast food that you can buy at the Flying J off the interstate. And second, why is he doing jazz hands? Ah, never mind, I have the answer! Just look at what Abe Lincoln is doing in the background!



By the way you’re wondering how much this spread costs, well…





Yeah so he spent $860 on fucking fast food. Really there were no other restaurants around? I mean you don’t own one that’s literally 5 miles from where you live? That wouldn’t work? Oh fuck it. I give up sometimes. And by the way here’s how much of a flaming narcissist Trump is. Not only did he pay for the food, he also said it was all food he likes, and he didn’t even get the quantities right!






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[font size="8"]Green New Deal
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-7

If there’s one liberal currently that conservatives *LOVE* to hate, it’s New York’s freshman representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Is it because she’s Latina? Is it because she’s a woman? Is it because she’s from New York? Is it because she cares about the environment and the people? Or is it all of the above? Oh who am I kidding? The answer is easily all of the above! But her proposed “Green New Deal” has them talking and not in a good way. I wonder if it’s because the Koch Brothers handed them a large sack of money to talk trash about it? Or something else?





Oh yeah it’s just par for the course. Mr. Senator, if I may guess what senators those were? I’m thinking McConnell and Lindsay Graham. I’m correct? Woohoo!!! And we’re not even doing the Wheel Of Corruption this week! Oh and by the way in case you’re wondering whether or not republicans couldn’t possibly be any more childish, one representative in Kentucky is trying to prove it wrong with a whoopee cushion! Yes, the worst environmental problems can now be solved with fart jokes!





Uh… farting cows? Did you not see that episode of South Park? If we all hold it in, we all spontaneously combust! I mean it’s just science! And by the way Mitch McConnell is such a worthless piece of shit that you can’t get him to vote on anything or do anything meangingful, but he’s forcing a vote on this because he knows it will fail. What a jackass!





I swear that there’s a Simpsons GIF for everything! But in case you’re wondering whether or not there’s a rhyme or reason for Mitch McConnell’s madness, well you are absolutely correct because he’s forcing this vote because he knows the democrats will lose on this issue and that it will make them look like losers. Um… fuck you Mitch!






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[font size="8"]John Kasich
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-5

We need some music for this one!



Last week, a new book came out about former Ohio governor, presidential candidate and guy who is doing his best to channel his inner Larry David, John Kasich, ran into a bit of a scuffle with a comedian who was on the same flight he was. It turns out the former governor was bumped from a flight and got into a spat with the star of a Hulu show called “Difficult People” and was pulling his inner Larry David and complaining that he got bumped to coach class. The horror! For the record, let’s call this piece “Curb Your Kasich”.



&t=3s

Yeah we can assume it was pretty much like that. So John Kasich may have been channeling his inner Larry David by refusing to fly coach. But as you peel back the layers of this story, it gets weirder and weirder, because, why wouldn’t it?





And by the way does anyone else find it ironic that Kasich picked a fight with the star of a show called “Difficult People”? Seems like Kasich just gave Klausner and the Difficult People writers some material for the next few episodes!





Oh and by at least some good came out of this incident, and for a cause that a pro-life conservative like Kasich would absolutely fucking hate! So Klausner decided to use this story for good instead of bad and raised a lot of money for Planned Parenthood!






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[font size="8"]Jair Bolsonaro
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-1



Welcome to your new nightmare, Brazil! And hey if you think I’m not going to a piece on Brazil’s creeping dictatorship without wearing a traditional Carnivale costume and playing Samba music, you are dead wrong! Hit it! So in case you haven’t noticed during the last two weeks, a new era of ultra far right fascism has begun in the South American country under their new president Jair Bolsonaro, a guy who is a Putin stooge and who many have described as the “Trump Of The Tropics”. And he is unbelievably scary, and what he’s doing actually puts Trump to shame, and it’s only going to get worse! He’s already got to work purging his enemies!





Because purges always work so well don’t they? Just look at Turkey, the Philippines, Poland, and Hungary to find out where Brazil’s headed. Because Putin is turning the world’s democracies on their ear by spreading fear, hate, and misinformation that gets creeps like Bolsonaro and Trump elected. And guess who he’s going after? Oh wait, you don’t have to! If you’ve been following Trump you already know!





But of course he’s going to restore order, people! I mean just look at how well Trump is trying to fix an already burning ship. He’s pledging that Brazil has been lifted from the confines of socialism and political correctness! Wait, that sounds familiar. We got to keep our composure people!!!!! We can’t have anybody freaking out here!!!





And speaking of keeping our composure, guess what? You’re in good company, Brazil! Because guess who Bolsonaro is already courting? He’s courting Putin’s favorite president, Donald J. Trump, and we all know what a dumpster fire he’s been setting here in America!





Bet you didn’t think you were going to hear the last of Steve Bannon did you? I mean last we saw he could barely fill the breakfast buffet at Holiday Inn and getting canned from talking about having sex with robots! And you know that most of the people there were there for the free buffet and couldn’t give less of a shit about Steve Bannon. But in case you’re wondering how well Brazil’s war on crime is going, just look at what happened this week at Rio’s landmark Cristo Redentor statue:






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: DIY DNA
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-6

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



You’ve probably seen home DNA testing kits come along fast and furious lately. From companies that offer just basic testing like 23 & Me to sites that offer more specific studies, like ancestry.com. But if you have been taking these tests or you’ve been hearing that the tests come back wrong every time, you’re not alone. In fact, you should be concerned immediately after sending back the kit, especially if you sign up for their health tests.





Yes it definitely is! And in case you’re wondering, some disturbing facts about 23 and Me and similar DNA testing companies have recently been coming up. And they are very shocking, especially about the concentration of where your DNA is going. Right now, 4 companies control the DNA of 26 million people, and yes, you read that right.





Except it’s not dino DNA. It’s human DNA, sir. And by the way if you think that DNA testing screw ups are limited to just the US, you are wrong. In fact it’s a world wide problem that affects just about everyone who ponies up the $199 for the 23 & Me kit. Yes, the home DNA testing kits cost $200, and for that amount of money they had better get something right!





Except there’s no chaos theory here, at least not yet. There’s plenty of reasons why you should do a 23 & Me test but there’s also plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t. The fact that 26 million people have their DNA data in the hands of 4 companies is enough. But this also might shock you.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-3

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Las Vegas! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Have a seat please! And give it up for our gospel choir, how great are they? You know… I have just returned from Washington DC. This week there was an event that the religious right of America felt the need to have their voices heard. Which is their right under GAWD that they can do that. So what has the fundamentalists’ underwear in a wad? Why are they going so nuts over this one topic that they need to hold their OWN march? Well let’s take a look at what actually happened last week that got lost in the headlines!



?itemid=4821584

Yes. You know what? Let’s play the clip because it’s quite spectacular:



Now you know, my fair congregation, it says that in the Good Book that murder is illegal! But… that hasn’t stopped the Baby Hitler debate. In fact if you take a look at some past clips, judging on the actions of this weekend, well, they haven’t aged well.







So there you go, the very idea that murdering Baby Hitler has been the subject of some rather interesting debate. But the debate over killing Baby Hitler is actually pretty toxic for sponsors – they really don’t want anything to do with it.





But while this is a touchy subject for advertisers, it’s apparently a touchy subject for Mr. Shapiro himself because thanks to his anti-abortion views, he wouldn’t kill Baby Hitler because… he’s a baby. That’s sound logic there!





By the way let’s hear it for my gospel choir. How great are they? Can I get an amen??? Anyone remember a few years ago when Pat Robertson had that clip about the mom who lost a baby to miscarriage and then he justified it? Let’s play that!



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOO! Boo indeed. So they’re conflicted on the message TO THIS DAY in case you can’t tell! And by the way in case you’re wondering if there really is a Baby Hitler out there, well here’s your answer!





So there really is a real Baby Hitler out there! Raised by Neo Nazis at that! Well, there’s a test for this debate right now! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-10

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Oh and hey it’s a clip without context!



Holy shit! That’s crazy! I don’t remember that being part of our party platform! Spin it again! Oh and hey it’s time for Beating A Dead Horse:



The comedy world was completely divided this week as Stormy Daniels announced that she was going to try her hand at stand up comedy. Yes, *THAT* Stormy Daniels. Professional stripper and the woman who some might argue is Donald Trump’s worst nightmare. And she’s also single-handedly responsible for ruining our childhoods more than any amount of Ghostbusters remakes ever could. So, Stormy Daniels announced that she was going to fill the late spot at the Chuckle Hut and actual comedians are split down the middle as to who really gets to fill that spot. Hey, wait a minute! That’s also what we do here! So does that mean I don’t get to play to an audience either? Oh wait, we play the coveted Wednesday at 2:00 PM slot when there’s no possible chance of landing an audience. So let’s expand on this further, shall we?





Yeah so Stormy is heading to the stage everybody! Woooooooooooo!!!!! And what city will be lucky enough to witness this train wreck? Houston, Texas! And boy won’t they be so receptive there? Because Houston is prime MAGA country and I’m sure they won’t have any of it. But hey you never know what kind of audience you’re going to get!





Yes true, this is doo doo, or as some might put it, horseshit. So here’s where we get into the meat of this discussion. So actual stand up comedians aren’t having any of this. But as we’ve learned, Stormy is not the first celebrity to try their hand at stand-up comedy. Yeah we get it that comedy is not an easy profession to get into – it takes a lot of hard work to sell out the Chuckle Hut or the Joke Joint. So why so serious?





Well, we would actually prefer not to do it that way. And even more and more actual comedians are speaking out against this idea. So is it a good move or a bad move? You be the judge. Of course we could and should afford a trip to Houston to witness the potential train wreck of a show, but yeah we’ll just save money and wait for the highlights to come out on Twitter! So what do actual comedians think of this move?






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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing?
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-8

It’s time once again to ask:



This week: TV shows who insist on interviewing Roseanne Barr. How is this still a thing? You know just like we think Twitter should have an “are you sure?” button before pressing send, we really need to have an intervention on reporters who still insist on interviewing the former TV star who has well, struggled to grasp reality. While we can’t fault Roseanne for that, we can certainly fault her for whatever batshit crazy thing is about to come out of her mouth. And this week, she certainly did not disappoint in the slightest.



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Now really, Roseanne. Did you learn anything? Apparently not. And now this gets even weirder with former confidant and the voice of Sideshow Bob himself, Kelsey Grammar, who not even 3 days before, called for Roseanne to be forgiven. Now really, Kelsey, what did you expect?





And really, you really had to go there? When you interview Roseanne you are almost guaranteed anymore that she will say something batshit crazy. Because Roseanne suffers from a condition where the rectum recycles matter that goes straight to the cranial cavity. And you probably know this disease better as “shit for brains”. Well, her reasons for being fired are almost as crazy as the reason why she was fired in the first place.





Anti-semitism is to blame? Really, are you Walter Sobchak from the Big Lebowski, Roseanne? Look, we support free speech here, nobody is going to come and take your free speech rights away. But after one crazy thing after another, we really need a sanity check before you go out in public and start saying crazy shit. Because she said this about Natalie Portman in January.





You’re going to attack Natalie Portman for being Jewish when you’re trying to claim anti-semitism is the reason why you got fired? That is what one might call “hypocrisy”. That’s enough to make you ask – interviewing Roseanne:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-12

Hit it!



I don’t know if you saw the Florida Man challenge this week, but because of that, and the fact that we’re in Florida, we’re doing a special all Florida man edition of “People Are Dumb”, because, you know why, audience! Thank you. And yes, at the end of this segment, we’ll reveal the dumb thing that Florida Man did on December 5th, the day of the Top 10’s anniversary. But I want to start with this minor league team out of Jacksonville, which is affiliated with the Miami Marlins. They’re called the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimps, and they are planning what may be one of my favorite baseball promotions of all time – because it’s Florida Man. Well, the Jumbo Shrimp are planning a Florida Man themed night and it is going to be truly magical.



?itemid=12769690

So that out of the way, let’s go to this story out of Seminole County, that’s Orlando don’t you know, where this guy robbed a liquor store wearing a Spiderman mask. But hey Spiderman is supposed to be a good guy! And I know that multiple Spiderman universes exist thanks to Into The Spiderverse, but really, come on, we need to do better people!!!





That is true! Next up, we go to Milton, Florida for this story. Look, I love a good fast food rage story, you know that. And hey when you’re drunk and you’re craving one food and can’t shake that craving, sure, I know what that is like! When you’re drunk, you got to have that one food and nothing else will satisfy you. But don’t bring violence into it, that is a no no.





Oh that clip is a classic! Next up, we go to Gainesville for this one. That’s the home of the Florida Gators, don’t you know? Well here’s the thing, impersonating an officer *NEVER* ends well especially for you, and especially if you happen to come across an actual police officer. So this happened.





And let’s not forget that in Florida, the ladies can be just as crazy as the men are! Why does this story remind me of the scene at the beginning of Super Troopers where the stoners are discussing who owns the water in a beach property? We go to Melbourne (Florida, not Australia) for this story.





Finally this week, even Florida animals are crazy! The animals!!!!! Why is my voice so high? Anyway, if there’s one thing that I learned from the movie Up, it’s that squirrels are dicks. And if you do come into contact with one, get the nearest attack dog on it, but if you don’t have one, run! But this story seriously has everything. We go to Sarasota for this story.





Oh and in case you’re wondering what our Florida Man Challenge story is, it’s Florida Man Arrested For Going Shoplifting After Job Interview. Florida Man, you’re the best. Keep doing what you’re doing. That’s it this week for our special all Florida Man edition of:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 2: The United States State Department
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From: Idiots #6-8





It’s time for the very last and final edition of Deep State Diaries. It’s time to say goodbye, everyone, it’s been fun. We toured everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The United States State Department[/font]


So for our very last and final edition of our ongoing series that explains how government works to conspiracy theorists, Deep State Diaries, we are going to tour one of the US government’s oldest and most prominent institutions – the United States State Department. The USSD is an institution as old as the United States itself. Yes, it’s the branch of the US government that was formerly headed by Rex Tillerson and is currently headed by guy who makes torture great again, Mike Pompeo. The USSD is similar to a ministry of foreign affairs in that it helps shape international and also domestic policies that define the United States. So what are some things that the USSD actually does? Well we all know how bad Huawei is, and we think Europe might be finally getting the message that you shouldn’t do business with the embattled cell phone manufacturer.





Well hopefully they won’t have to come to that. Another thing that the US department does is they issue travel warnings. Yes, they tell the citizens of the US that maybe they shouldn’t go to certain countries because reasons. Like maybe don’t go to the Bahamas right now because if you haven’t noticed the Gulf Of Mexico has these things called hurricanes, and they’ve been quite active lately.





Another thing that the US State Department does is that they determine what the United States can and cannot import and export. Remember how James Bond’s cover was that he was an importer – exporter of good? Even though it’s never implied what, exactly. But that’s really the job of the US State Department.





And in case you can’t guess, under the Trump administration, the US state department has become well, less than flattering. So much in fact that nobody wants to work for a horrible boss like Mike Pompeo, or even worse – his boss, Donald J. Trump. Yes, the guy who we currently call president has made it completely miserable for anyone involved with the government. And well, it’s going to be a revolving door for the foreseeable future.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A+
How Things Are Going: C-
Likely hood To Survive: B

Overall: B-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

There is no next week! This is it, we are done. Thanks for taking us down the government wormhole everybody, and see you on the other side!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Cypress Hill[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is America’s foremost premiere stoner band. Their latest album is called “Elephants On Acid”. You can see them on tour through March and April including a stop March 23rd at the Wiltern. Playing their song “Band Of Gypsies”, give it up for the one, the only Cypress Hill!





The Top 10 will be back next week with a brand new edition live from Denver! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Choir Club, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Cypress Hill Appear Courtesy Of: BMG Records Management
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 10, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-14: Collusion Delusion, What's Your Confusion? Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-14: Collusion Delusion, What’s Your Confusion? Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up New York City??? How you guys doing, you doing good? It’s good to be back here in the Big Apple! Always love it when I’m here. But man what a fucking crazy week it’s been! Am I right about that? First off I want to say congratulations to Virginia for winning one of the craziest March Madness tournaments I’ve ever seen. Michigan State, Auburn, and Texas Tech, you can rest assured that you don’t have to go to Trump’s White House to eat a plate of cold fast food hamburders! Also congratulations to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish for winning their second Women’s Final Four in a row! UConn, you can also rest assured that you don’t have to go to the White House to eat plate of McDonalds. OK that’s all the time we have! I’d love to talk more sports because there’s a lot of it this week. You had that insane fight between Yasiel Puig and the entire Pittsburgh Pirates team, you had Magic’s very Trump-esque press conference announcing his departure from the Lakers, and you had that 23 hour Wrestlemania epic. But we got to talk movie trailers and what might be the ultimate movie SNAFU. Remember that scene in Fight Club where Edward Norton is explaining all of Tyler’s jobs and one was where he was splicing single frames of porn into family films? Well don’t do that. Also, don’t show kids, I don’t know, horror movie trailers! Yeah, a 17 year old can see “Us”. But a 4 year old should probably stick to Peppa Pig: The Movie. So children in the British town of Ipswitch were hoping to see the Peppa Pig flick, and instead were treated to the trailers for the upcoming horror flicks Ma and Brightburn. Ma is about a creepy stalker, and Brightburn is a superhero anti-hero flick about a man who uses his super powers to fight people who hurt him. Yeah maybe don’t show those movies to kids, and especially don’t show Ma to toddlers! Yeah, those people who let that happen should probably be sacked. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to but first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of mobile homes and land ownership:



Where do we begin this week? In the first slot this week is the long awaited return of… The Trumper Games (1)!!! Oh yes, he’s back and this time he’s here to tell you about the latest departures from the Trump administration and how it’s essentially a revolving door at this point! In the second slot, is the guy who we currently call president, Donald Trump (2) and we’re going to find out what’s going on with his beef with wind power. Last week we brought up that he claims to know a lot about wind, but does he really? Spoiler alert! No! For the third slot this week, is also Donald J. Trump (3). And while he’s bragging about how he’s been “exonerated” in the Russian collusion probe, he’s still got massive tax fraud and a whole ton of other crimes he may be guilty of. In the fourth slot this week, we’re going to do something a bit different. In case you haven’t noticed, people are being racist out in the open (4) and we’re going to talk about a few stories and the things you can do if you happen to catch a MAGA supporter out in the wild. In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) , and this week, we’re going to take a look at an absolutely horrifying story involving horse racing and Southern California’s Santa Anita race track.Taking the sixth slot, as always, is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to ask one of the daunting questions of our time – “What is fueling the future of religion?”. Only one way to find out! In the seventh slot this week, we have an all new edition of “Beating A Dead Horse” (7). So, this week it was revealed that former vice president Joe Biden is, well, a little bit of a creeper. But really, on the creep scale, he’s a 1 out of 10, and we will explain why. For the 8th seed this week, is the return of “This Fucking Guy”. And this week, Trump nominated Herman Cain, a man who I wouldn’t trust with $10, to run the Federal Reserve Board, so… why him? Because he’s Trump, and he doesn’t give a fuck, that’s why! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot is one of my favorite segments, People Are Dumb! And we’ve got some absolutely ridiculous stories to tell you about this week! And finally this week our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019 continues! And we begin expanded Round 2 coverage, and the first week it’s the Gun Nut Conference Championship. Florida vs Oregon. The winner moves on to the Final Four, the loser goes home! Plus we have some live music from Simple Creatures! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Trumper Games: The Return
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I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! Yes, my pretties! It has been way too long to remember the last time I was on! Happy Trumper Games! Mmm… yes!!! Damn it, Charlie!! How many times have I told you to bring me the good champagne? What? Management says that we can’t afford any of it? How dare they! Oh, I’m sorry, I got carried away there. Oh Charlie, come back please! OK, so this week the President simply himself eliminated two important positions. Tribute Nielsen from the 9th District, and Tribute Alles from the 1st District! What? Don’t ask me how the Districts work because even I don’t know! So how did this all go down? Well, the President quite simply had an urge to fire somebody. And you know that never ends well!





So, let me get this straight. We went from… “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” to “Country is full! Moose out front should have told you!”. So this may have something to do with border security. Or it may not, with the president’s seemingly volatile temper, we never know which way this is going to go. But it’s impossible to restrain the President!





And that is certainly true! But, the resignation (or firing depending on which way you look at it) of Tribute Nielsen wasn’t the only significant elimination from the Trumper Games this week! No, the president has proven that he simply doesn’t care about security, as he fired longtime Secret Service head Tribute Alles from the 1st District!





Mmmmmmmmmmmmm… yes. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, yes!!! So the President is proving himself to be above reproach! Yes, the Games have been going on for too long to the point where we can’t tell fact from fiction! Depending on what media outlet you read, was Tribute Alles fired and eliminated or did he simply resign? We may never know but for now consider Tribute Alles and Tribute Nielsen… ELIMINATED!!!!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

In the last week, Trump has really escalated his beef with wind power. I mean come on, what’s he got against windmills anyway? Well if you listen to his nonsense, you would think that windmills are godless bird killing monster machines that give you cancer and drive your property values down 75%! Oh the horror!!! What will we ever do to rid ourselves of these nightmares? That’s the question we should be asking ourselves! Instead we’re asking what the fuck is up with Trump and wind power? Well it might have something to do with Trump International in Scotland, or it might not. And by the way, for the purpose of this piece, we’re going to forgo our usual memes and clips and replace them with pictures of Trump’s hair blowing in the wind, because we all know how much he hates that!





So before we go any further, we got to play the clip of this because it’s pretty spectacular. I mean how stupid is he?



Whew. Yeah so if you listen to Trump, you would learn that windmills are godless bird killing machines, and what will we do to end the horror? Well you could go with clean coal. Yeah what a great idea – let’s replace clean wind power with black lungs! And by the way with this ridiculous claim, he might have cost the clean energy industry a whole lot of jobs! What about the “JOBS! JOBS JOBS!” president? Well, he’s nowhere to be found!





There are a lot of those pictures by the way! We will have no shortage of material for this piece. But for Trump to make a claim so dangerously dumb and absurd is well, laughable at best. But you know what, let’s extrapolate his claims for a minute. I mean do windmills really cause cancer? The answer you know, is quite literally blowin’ in the wind.





Hey two ugly Trump shots in one! And by the way as to his claim about whether or not windmills are godless bird killing machines? Even the birds don’t like Trump! So if you listen to Trump’s claims about windmills, you would know that they are flat out absurd. Why is he making these completely insane claims about wind? Well, it could have something to do with his golf course!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

So this question remains in the Mueller probe – death or taxes? It’s a question as old as time itself, and one that will ultimately plague Trump for the rest of his term. The Trump administration has boiled the Mueller Report down to two words – “Collusion Delusion”. Funny, I don’t remember that Schoolhouse Rock song! Collusion delusion, what’s your confusion? Trying to take down a corrupt administration for treason! OK not as catchy as the original. How are we trying to take down the GOP this week? Well it’s about as simple as Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. Only Lucy kicks Charlie Brown in the side and spits in his face.





Ah, where is Newman when you need him? NEWMAN!!! Well, if Mueller doesn’t get Trump for Russian collusion, maybe he can get Trump for massive tax evasion! Yeah, while Trump is bragging about getting off the hook for collusion (or not), there’s plenty of other crimes he still might be guilty of, well, this week, anyway!





Yeah well you can’t work for Trump without being afraid of being fired, I mean it just goes naturally! If you work for Trump, you’re gonna get fired at some point. But taking down an entire political party is like getting something stuck in a vending machine. You’re not going to get it on your first try, you have to rock it back and forth a few times, then it goes over!





Oh so the democrats may have a plan, but there is one obstacle standing in the democrats’ way – and that guy is White House Chief Of Staff and high school band leader who tells his students they’re not playing fast enough, Mick Mulvaney. He’s literally the heckler from Happy Gilmore! “You will not see these tax returns, jackass!!!!”.






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[font size="8"]Being Racist In Public
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The Donald J. Trump administration has given rise to some… well for the sake of this piece, bad apples, and he definitely tends to attract a certain type of individual. Now let’s talk about being openly racist in public. Remember last year when Los Angeles representative Maxine Waters called for both sides to be more civil to each other and it had the reverse effect and people actually started being meaner and nastier to each other? Yeah so did we! In fact since Trump took over the White House and took a wrecking ball to our nation’s institutions, people have become meaner and nastier to each other, and they’re doing it out in the open for everyone to see and capture on their cell phones. In fact let’s go to my home town of Anaheim, California, to expand on this topic.





That’s right! Let’s dissect this incident for a bit. I really wonder if people like this ever realize what they’re saying. No person who’s smart enough would ever say something like “This is America, not Spanish”. It’s English that’s our official language. But Trump and, arguably social media, has brought it out in people. It’s not just our racist friend in Anaheim, either. Check out this incident from East Haven, Connecticut. It’s almost identical to the one at Palapas Grill, identical!!! Why is my voice so high?





Yeah that’s true. Well, not me, anyway. All are welcome here at the Top 10, we don’t discriminate here, that’s for sure! So going back to social media, what can be done about this obviously 2010s problem of people saying whatever racist shit comes to mind? Well, racism, just like other bad behaviors, starts at the top. And while we can’t say Facebook is responsible for a lot of modern racism, but they’re at least taking steps to rid the world of these horrid people.





Of course! I’m a white guy from California, and I don’t get outside much. I know. I’m usually cooped up in doors trying to figure out how to entertain you people! Thank you audience! But there are people who are acknowledging that this is a huge problem. But what can you do about it? You can ban people, you can chase them away, but we do have this thing called “freedom of speech”, and we have as much of a right to tell Nazis to fuck off as much as they have a right to be a Nazi. It works both ways, don’t you know?





Yeah probably! Now for the interest of social experiment, there’s Bill Mitchell. So who’s really being discriminated against here – black people or Trump supporters? Well, if you saw Bill Mitchell, he’s claiming the latter. Oh woe is me, I can’t wear my MAGA hat out in public! Well, this might be one of the dumbest things ever said by a Trump supporter, and that’s saying a lot!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: A Day At The Races
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Horse racing is a sport with a troubled past, and an equally troubled present. But one horse racing track is making headline after headline and it’s not in a good way. The Kentucky Derby is just a mere 3 weeks away but this is a story that must be addressed before the horse racing industry’s big event. However, the story that is concerning everyone is coming out of Arcadia, California. That city is home to the Santa Anita race track. And at Santa Anita, the abuse of horses is nothing to joke about.





We’re pretty sure that’s going to be the least of your problems there. So what would happen to the future of horse racing? You know it is going to be a very sad day in Arcadia when the headline is that you hold a race that is a Kentucky Derby qualifier and no horses die during the race. Except for the fact that this actually happened.





Actually that’s more likely the owners and not the actual horses themselves. Yes, let’s blame it on the owners for this atrocity. So how did things get this bad? And what can be done about it? It’s not so much as putting out a product but maintaining the safety of that product for not only the lives affected but also the customers and fans of the sport.





investigations might solve this thing, but then again they might not. The more that happens at Santa Anita, the more complicated the situation gets. Will it spell the end of horse racing in California? It might, but then again it might not. Santa Anita is just one of many race tracks in California which include Del Mar, Fresno, Los Alamitos, and Santa Anita. But how viable is the future of horse racing in general? It’s a sport with big money and deep pockets. Santa Anita is home to the Breeders Cup, a gateway to the Kentucky Derby. But after this, it may no longer be.





We will keep an eye on this story as it develops. This is it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my brothers and sisters of New York City! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know, we live in exciting and troubling times. But that’s neither here, nor is it there. Tonight is all about predicting the future! Yes, we are going to see through time and space itself to try and figure out what the good LAWRD JAYSUS has in store for us!!! Can I get an amen?? Now, there’s many ways that one can try and predict the future! Now as a preacher myself, I can tell you that church attendance is in a decline. But I’m not going to bore you with statistics! I’m not that kind of preacher! Maybe we can win people back with this kind of in your face evangelism!





Yes, even the good LAWRD JAYSUS is utterly embarrassed at this one! I mean… whew. Where do we find these people? I mean is that religion? Is that what you want to go to every Sunday? I know that I don’t, that’s for sure! But…. My forces from HEAYVUN are telling us that there’s some obstacles to a clean and prosperous future for the ALMIGHTY!!! What’s holding us back? Well, it’s our DAYMONS here on earth!





So it is the devil that could drive more people to us!!! Can I get an amen??? But as I have said, there’s DAYMONIC forces at work here, folks! And all you can do is pray them away! It’s that simple. Why yes, I do believe that the forces of SAYTAN can be ultimately prayed away with this. Apparently there’s a satanic doomsday cult that’s out to enslave all of us!





Now my fair congregation, even the good LAWRD JAYSUS thinks this is utterly ridiculous and appalling, and he facepalmeth, justly! For it says that in our Good Book, which I have right here. But, while we have discussed the future of religion here, there’s one thing that can ultimately save religion and the future of humanity – sex! Lots and lots of sex!!!





Well, you heard the man!!! Go!!! Go!!!! Go!!!!! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Joe Biden Kissy Face
[br] [/font] [br]



Guys, let’s talk for a minute. If the #MeToo movement has taught us anything, it’s don’t be a creeper, under any circumstances! There’s no good way to talk yourself out of being a creeper if you get caught doing so. Just ask Al Franken. Touched a nerve there, didn’t I? “Sorry, officer, but I didn’t mean to touch that woman’s breasts, I was reaching for a soda lid and my hand may have accidentally brushed up against her breasts.”. NO!!! That never works! So it turns out that former vice president Joe Biden may be a little bit of a creeper. But really, on the creep scale, he’s about a 1 out of 10. To put things in perspective, Trump is a 9 out of 10. Al Franken is about a 2 out of 10. Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane is about a 5 out of 10. Bill O’Reilly is about a 7 out of 10. Who’s a full blown 10 you might ask? Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson, R. Kelly. So don’t be a creeper no matter what the level. How did this all go down you might ask? Here’s how.





Yeah here’s the thing guys – if you don’t want to get pegged as a creeper, maybe, I don’t know, don’t do creepy things. See, I talk to women in the workplace like I’m in a sexual harassment training seminar video. “Oh I had a very nice encounter in the break room, Sara, I hope that you will report this to HR as such, and let’s do this again some time!”. Notice how unintimidating that was? It sounds a hell of a lot better than “Hey Christina, want to hear a good rape joke?”. That would earn you a one way ticket to a meeting with HR. But this wasn’t just a single encounter with the former VP, it’s painting a disturbing pattern of creepy old guy behavior.





Excuse me a minute… but see? Nobody is excused from creeping no matter what your race, gender, creed, social, or economic status. If you’re a creeper, you’re a creeper. I mean Trump bragged about grabbing women by the pussy and walked in on underage girls getting dressed in a locker room. And you know what? We made that guy president! So there is hope for Joe Biden after all! I’m an optimist. But leave it to this guy to turn a creepy situation even creepier! I’m of course talking about Trump and what he did regarding Joe Biden.





You know what? We got to show that tweet, because it’s a whole new level of ick factor, and I say this as a male myself. Let’s show that:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1113862077842640898

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww… Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Wait… ew. You know here’s where I could point out all the people who’ve come to the former VP’s defense. But we don’t have that kind of time, there’s still 3 entries left this week! Plus we got Simple Creatures waiting to perform! So instead I’m going to tell you why women need an extra layer of defense against creepers – the creepiest news host of all time, Tucker Carlson. Who last week said something so jaw dropping unbelievably creepy that you can’t help but wonder what he does when the cameras aren’t looking.






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy
[br] [/font] [br]



Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s return America to the good old days of the Gold Standard! Said nobody ever. Except for the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump. He thinks it’s a great idea! Because he knows more about economics than anybody. It’s gonna be huge, believe me, folks! Even actual economists say this idea is completely fucking insane. But in this administration, who needs “facts” and “experts”? Which is why Trump wants to take control of the Fed and put this fucking guy in charge of it. Herman Cain. Yeah you don’t put a guy like Herman Cain in charge of the Fed, a government agency that can topple whole economies with a two word tweet! Why put a guy like Herman Cain in charge of the Fed? Because he’s Trump, and he doesn't give a fuck, that’s why!





That’s just how volatile the nation’s central bank is. And what makes Herman Cain qualified to run the nation’s central bank? He could barely run a pizza parlor chain! And in case you’re wondering what some of Cain’s greatest hits are, well, here’s a couple of them!





Yeah so a guy who spends money on insanely creepy campaign ads, can’t remember how to properly pronounce “Uzbekistan”, and came up with an insane economic theory is somehow qualified to run the most powerful bank in the world. But he’s a friend of Trump! And Trump loves him some loyalty! Maybe that’s the art of the deal?





And Trump is trusting this guy with the Fed? I wouldn't trust him with $5! So what’s he going to do, exactly if he’s put in charge of the Fed? Put ads curing your erectile dysfunction on ATM machines across the nation? Yeah that’s the last place I want to see an ad for boner pills is when I’m at the ATM getting some cash. Really, this fucking guy.





I’m pretty sure that’s future footage of Trump there! And by the way, speaking of Trump, you know he sure can pick ‘em folks! And you know what they always say about judging the kind of person you are by the company you keep. If Trump is a serial sexual predator, guess what? Herman Cain is a guy who has had multiple affairs!





Hey Gloria, let me fill you in on a little secret about the modern GOP: They have absolutely no respect for women! Other than the cute, 125lb blond women who populate Fox News reports every night, they can stay, the rest, they don’t really care for! So that out of the way, once again Trump nominates someone who could quite possibly be the least qualified person for the job! Because, reasons.





Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Wait a minute, ew. That right there is a total creep face, and pretty much everyone in the Trump administration has one. That’s Herman Cain, this week’s This Fucking Guy!




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now people are people, and people are dumb. I want to start with this bizarre story out of Rogers, Arkansas. You know, you might think you know what true boredom is, but until you see this story, these guys take it to a whole new level! But as we’ve seen countless times on this program, don’t be surprised at all when you give an idiot a gun and they do something stupid with it, and there’s lots of these stories out there. But this one might be one of my favorites so far, just because it’s so jaw-droppingly stupid that you can’t help but wonder how they manage to even get dressed in the morning. Enough of my rambling, Let’s get to it.





Yeah so that happened! Next up, what would a People Are Dumb segment be without a visit from our good friend Florida Man? Look, I get it, you don’t want to go to work, you’d literally rather be just about anywhere but sitting in front of a desk staring at a computer screen all day. Well, don’t do what Florida Man did. Hell, that should be a meme right there. Just don’t do this!





Of course these days, George would probably be taken out by a SWAT team and there would be at least a few hour standoff. Jerry might be taken into custody too. Next up – of course we got to stick to Florida because they crazy. Remember that movie Spaceballs? Remember the late great John Candy’s character where he was a half man – half dog? Well here’s one Florida Man who is his own best friend.





Ah, I love that movie, I have seen it a hundred times, I could see it 100 more. Next up – dumb police officers! Yes, even the Po-Pos aren’t immune from stupidity. We go to the great city of Detroit for this story. Look, if you’re being trained to analyze the blood alcohol of a person, maybe I don’t know, don’t show up to the training seminar drunk! It’s that simple!





There’s a Simpsons clip for everything! Next up, we have to go back to the Sunshine State for this one, and maybe this is one way to unclog a toilet without having to call Roto Rooter? But once again, if you give an idiot with a gun, don’t be surprised when they do something stupid with it!





Ah, gotta love Cousin Eddie! Finally this week remember the movie Fight Club? When Edward Norton and Brad Pitt started fighting with each other but then it turned out… oh come on, do I really have to do a spoiler for this one??? Yeah, it turns out that Edward Norton was really fighting himself the entire time because, multiple personalities. Well, this guy may be a member of Project Mayhem because this happened.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Last week we wrapped up Round 1 coverage and it was quite exciting! Georgia knocked off last year’s champion Texas with a 3 pointer buzzer beater in double overtime with one of the highest scores of the tournament. Meanwhile, Alabama wasted no time showing Oklahoma who owns the Family Values conference and routed Oklahoma by a whopping score difference of 15! This week, we begin the expanded Round 2 coverage. The Elite 8 has been set. Now who will advance to the Final Four? We shall see. This week it’s a Gun Nut Duel To The Death as Florida takes on red hot Oregon to advance to the Final Four. But who will come out on top? Let’s find out!

:

[font size="4"]Florida Vs Oregon[/font]

[font size="4"]Florida[/font]


The last time we checked in with Florida, they’re still dealing with the horrifying tragedy from Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High in Parkland. But you know what? Florida isn’t doing jack shit about it, as you might have guessed and instead are taking their frustrations out on – wait for it – immigrants. But has Florida learned anything? Have they really? Well guess what? While we’re all (rightfully) paying attention to the aftermath of the Parkland tragedy still unfolding, House Republicans in the Sunshine State have something extremely horrifying being planned!





That they may, but I don’t think that they mention anything about packing heat and shooting first and asking questions later! Where’s our house pastor at? Oh he’s gone for the week? Damn it! At least this bill failed. But you know what didn’t? A bill that would give teachers – wait for it – guns! Yes, they are going to arm teachers. It’s bad enough bullets are flying in one direction!





OK Homer might have a point here. And by the way guns are such a hot topic in Florida that this whole issue of arming teachers might have ruffled a few feathers. But that’s putting it lightly. People are pissed and rightfully so. That money should definitely be going elsewhere.





[font size="4"]Oregon[/font]


You might be thinking “Hey! Oregon is a blue state! What the hell???”. And you might be right. But they do have the city of Portland which is home to two classes of individuals – hipsters and white supremacist right wing militia types! And these two groups do not get along, in case you were wondering. In fact Portland is the home of a group that you might have heard of, that is always looking to stir shit up. They’re called “Patriot Prayer”, and they’re the uber-religious counterparts to Gavin McInnes’ Proud Boys. Yes, we try to keep track of all of the hate groups because, Trump. So why does the city of Portland tend to attract these types?



.

Now here’s the thing – we’re not saying all gun nuts are white supremacists. But all white supremacists are gun nuts! Now you might be thinking – what does the shooting in Christchurch shooting have to do with Oregon white supremacists? Well a whole hell of a lot, actually!





So, Oregon has a massive white supremacy problem. What are they going to do about it? Well, remember that Patriot Prayer rally from last year? It turns out that Oregon’s police might have been in on it. In fact, they may have been protecting the fascists from the protestors! It’s going to take a hell of a lot to sort this mess out.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Oh my god… Florida has utterly routed Oregon by a score of 25! I don’t know what they are giving Florida Man but if they keep it up they will be repeating as our Stupidest State this year! Sorry Oregon, you may be the king of the West Coast racists, but Florida owns this dance! They advance to the Final Four easily.

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week, we are taking a much needed break. And that was omitted on the original schedule, for which the people responsible have been sacked. But when we come back on 4/24, we are going to continue Round 2 coverage with the Family Values Conference Championship. And what is more fitting than that for a Bible Belt showdown between Mississippi and Alabama? We’ll be live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the fabulous Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, for all the action! Stay tuned!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Simple Creatures[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a brand new band and the coming together of the bands Blink 182 and All Time Low! Their debut EP called “Strange Love” is out now! Playing their song “Drug” from that EP, give it up for Simple Creatures!




Thank You New York City! We are taking a short break next week and we will be running a Best Of, we’ll be back on 4/24 with a brand new edition live from Denver with the Wheel Of Corruption and Stupidest State Round 2 Week 3! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Grammercy Theater, New York City, NY
Special Thanks To: Grammercy Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: 5th Avenue Church Band, New York City
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Simple Creatures Appear Courtesy Of: BMG Rights Management
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 3, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-13: Donald Trump Live In Grand Rapids Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-13: Donald Trump Live In Grand Rapids Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Be sure to sign up for the new Top 10 newsletter to get Idiots delivered straight to your inbox! We are back everybody! What’s up DC? Are you guys doing good? It’s always great to be back here in the Capital! Nobody parties quite like DC does and you guys have lots of awesome drunk food. I mean who wouldn’t want a Ben’s Chili Dog? I know I could go for one right about now! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do, it’s my fucking show! So Nicholas Cage is a weird dude. Really, sir? You could have guessed that? So you know that he literally flew to Vegas to get married and then divorced. But that’s not the craziest thing that he’s done. There’s a new article in the Sun that details all kinds of strange things that man is up to. Like did you know that he eats animals according to their mating habits? Or that he’s already made arrangements to be buried under a huge pyramid in New Orleans when he dies? Or that his bride to be was going to be the recipient of all of his money? Yes, all. Well maybe it might have to do with the fact that he and his wife ate mushrooms, but he ate mushrooms like they were M&Ms. Yes, those kinds of mushrooms. Oh and it gets weirder, because of course it would! He also once had otters as witness for his first wedding and owned a house in New Orleans that he claimed was the “most haunted ever”. Whew. Nicholas Cage, keep doing what you are doing. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the mad house that is the WWE:



Where do we begin this week? Well the number one slot this week is the guy who we currently still call president and that’s Donald Trump (1). So will he or won’t he close the border in Mexico? And what kind of effect will it have on the economy? Well, he seems bound and determined to do this, and it’s going to cost a lot, but doesn’t matter because, Fox News points. In the second slot, is also Donald J. Trump (2) and he went to Michigan last week, and his rally, whew, there was a lot to unpack and it’s all insane. For the third slot this week, we have to talk about Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, Michael Avenatti (3) and his unbelievably bizarre scandal involving other celebrity lawyers and the Nike shoe company. In the fourth slot this week, we’re going to do something a bit different. Have people just flat out had an ass full of the news (4)? We’ll talk about developing trends in the TV world as more and more people are chucking their network news for good. For the 5th slot this week is Gun Nut Conspiracy Theorists (5). And yeah they got a lot of explaining to do, especially after the NRA got caught conspiracy theory shopping, but it is fun to see Alex Jones on the decline! Yes, it’s evil and shocking. In the number 6 slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, and the Jim Jefferies Show exposed the rising tide of hate in the Land Down Under so we will find out what that’s like. At number 7 is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at a couple of university scandals including Notre Dame dress code violations and Liberty University’s contracts with the Pentagon. Yes, they’re real. Taking the number 8 slot this week, we’ve got a brand new “Beating A Dead Horse”, so conservatives are upset that their favorite fast food isn’t getting invited to the table at the airport food court! I mean come on, it’s the fucking airport food court! Really, people. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we’ve got a new installment of “I Need A Drink” and this week, we’re going to talk about one of the stupider debates to hit the internet lately. I mean really, St. Louis, what are you smoking when it comes to bagels? We are going to get schvitzed and talk about the right way to slice your bagels and eat them. And finally this week, it’s the end of Round 1 of our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019! It’s Round 1 Week 4 (10) and this week we’re live in Eugene, Oregon and it’s a battle of the Batshit as Georgia takes on Texas to play Kentucky in the Batshit Conference Championship, while Alabama thumps the Bible against Oklahoma for the Family Values Crown! Plus we have some live music from AFI! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before! The president of the United States goes to the border and well, makes a total ass of himself! There’s really no punchline there, because this administration has done some extremely horrible things to immigrants, and this week could prove to be one of the most evil things they have done yet. It’s no mistake that Trump’s favorite news network of choice, Fox News, has raised hysteria about immigrants way past 11. And Trump of course, only cares about his approval rating among Fox News fans. So you put two and two together. What’s he got planned? Well…





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! And in case you’re wondering what kind of effect this is going to have on the economy well, it’s going to be extremely horrible. In fact everyone is against it except for of course Trump and people who watch Fox News. But then again if you try to promote these things called “facts”, keep in mind that this is the Trump administration, facts don’t matter anymore!





That is a good question! How can Trump be so evil? Because he doesn’t give a shit about how evil he really is, that’s why! This by the way, could be the most alarming detail about the forthcoming border shutdown that might alarm some people, especially if you love avocados like I do. But the GOP will probably find some way to trash avocados because, liberal tears.





Well that’s obvious! And come on, what did avocados ever do to you, Trump? They’re delicious and you can use them in an infinite number of ways from guacamole to avocado toast. I mean even Pearl Jam had an avocado as the cover of their 2006 album “Pearl Jam”! Maybe because Eddie Vedder really loves avocados? But there’s another casualty of the border shutdown that could have even further lasting effects of the economy. Where’s Knight Rider when you need him?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Whew, the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump has had quite the week and it seems it’s only going to get worse from here. He went on a self-congratulatory tour in Grand Rapids last week and it was the stuff of insanity. You know what? Let’s play the clip!

https://twitter.com/atrupar/status/1111419775601635330

You can hear this and so much more on his new stand up album "Donald Trump Live From Grand Rapids!". Now available from Amazon and iTunes for the low price of $9.99! Order now and Mexico will pay for it! Thank you audience! So, to quote The Big Lebowski, what in god’s holy name is he blathering about this week?





Well, maybe he knows a lot about wind because he’s full of hot air? Thank you! I mean just when you think it couldn’t be any crazier. Trump lies like it’s a bodily function. They’re actually like fine wines - his lies have their own body and flavor, and they really age to accentuate the fine character of each one. And by the way in case you’re wondering if he knows a lot about wind, the short answer is easy – no, he doesn’t.





Actually, he is wrong about that one! Very wrong. The wrongest! No one is more wrong than he is, folks, and it’s going to be huge, believe me! And if you thought that was crazy, wait until you see what else he said about the Great Lakes. They have record deepness! You really can’t make this stuff up. I mean if Trump claims he’s smarter than us, would he use phrases like “record deepness”? Well, he is in a record deepness of depravity right now.





Really, he’s getting crazier and crazier. He knows a lot about wind? The Great Lakes have record deepness? And he thinks he’s smarter than us? I mean only President Stable Genius himself could go there and then he still is about as crazy as you would expect. And it’s only April. Can November 2020 please get here soon? Please???






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[font size="8"]Michael Avenatti
[br] [/font] [br]

You know it’s a fucked up week when Stormy Daniels’ lawyer himself, Michael Avenatti, gets indicted for a massive fraud scandal involving other celebrity attorneys and it’s not the craziest thing that has happened in a week. I mean we only get 10 of these a week to talk about this shit. 10!!! Which means that we have to pick and choose what we get to talk about here, but this might be one of the most insane scandals yet. This week. And trying to figure out this mess is well, what one would call a “clusterfuck”. So what kind of mess did Avenatti get himself into?





Yeah so trying to figure out this whole mess is kind of like that. And what do R. Kelly and Jussie Smollet have to do with this? Well, it seems that Avenatti may not be the only celebrity attorney who is involved in this extortion clusterfuck. And I mean nothing good happens when R. Kelly and Jussie Smollet are involved, are they?





So yeah stop trying to figure this thing out because it’s damn near impossible. And by the way you might be asking “Wait, what is becoming of Avenatti’s presidential ambitions?” Well, I answer you good sir / madam, he could quite possibly be going away for a very long time, so do we have to bring back the Trumper Games for this one? No? Well, OK we’ll save that for when departures affect us that we actually care about.





Oh come on! That’s the best insult ya got? Michael Avenatti is a “porn attorney”? I mean in the porn industry I’m sure there’s way worse nicknames you could come up with! And by the way, do we really need Coach K from Duke weighing in on this scandal? Really? That’s who you go to for your opinion on a $20 million extortion scandal? Not a financial or economic expert, but Coach K? Really?






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[font size="8"]Enough Of The News
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s no secret that our TV obsessed president loves him some ratings. In fact that’s just about all he talks about. Yes, Donald Trump has mentioned TV ratings far more than any other president before him. Why is that? Because nobody else gave a shit! He does! With that in mind we’re going to devote this next segment to talking about Trump’s favorite subject – ratings. So he thinks CNN and Rachel Maddow have taken a nose dive since the Muller Report came out? Well let’s see what the latest developments are in the world of TV ratings!





Yeah well he does guarantee a lot of things. But he says one thing because he thinks it’s true but in reality it’s almost the exact opposite. Maybe Rachel Maddow’s ratings are on the decline because people have had just a fucking ass full of the news? Well, people in general have had an ass full of TV and are doing, well, just about anything but sitting in front of the tube these days. So Rachel Maddow’s ratings decline is just part of a slow, steep process.





Except it’s way past October 31st there, Trump. So ratings for everything are down because well, the TV climate and the way that we consume content is changing. Even we here at the Top 10 are feeling the ratings hit! I mean at this point the presidency has turned into a “my TV ratings are better than your TV ratings” kind of shit fight that you’d expect. Although really, who cares? Time to turn the TV off and go outside for a change.





Well there is one thing that Trump hadn’t counted on – prior to the release of the Mueller Report, which we all know they didn’t read, MSNBC had one of the highest ratings of any quarter in the last 15 years, so suck it!!! Oh, that might have caused Trump to go on his latest temper tantrum regarding the ratings for his beloved Fox.






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[font size="8"]Gun Nut Conspiracy Theorists
[br] [/font] [br]

You ever stop and think that the people who are peddling conspiracy theories may actually be involved in a real life conspiracy? Well that’s the conundrum that the NRA and Alex Jones got themselves into this week when it was revealed that the NRA… got caught shopping for conspiracy theorists this weekend, and it was also very amusing to see Alex Jones go down with the ship. You know what? Let’s roll that clip of Alex Jones at a fried chicken joint because it’s spectacular:



Wow, I didn’t know it was open mic night at Lucy’s Chicken! But anyway, the NRA is shockingly evil as is evidenced by what they did in New Zealand. See, the United States isn’t the only country having to put up with people who claim that everyone is out to take their guns away!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So the NRA is stunningly evil here, and if you think that’s all, the NRA is in over their heads this week after it was found out that they oppose the violence against women act. Oh wait, that’s nearly 95% of the NRA’s clientele there, that’s who they cater to! So, if we extrapolate, the NRA supports violence against women.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! By the way, remember our good buddy Alex Jones from a while back? Let’s check in on him for a minute. So what’s his excuse for being the conspiracy theory whack-a-doodle that he is known to be? Well, his excuse is…. SURVEY SAYS… psychosis. Yes, he is going there and blaming his psychosis for him being an insufferable douche.





You know if only some of these guys would try, I don’t know, smiling and maybe enjoying life for a minute or two they wouldn’t be so unbearable! And you know we’re not going to talk about all the mass shooting related suicides here, because that’s too horrifying and depressing to make fun of, and that would be beneath us. So we’ll instead trash Alex Jones and his desperate plea to be a victim here, because that’s the least we can do. Oh, and fuck Alex Jones.



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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Hate Down Under
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The entire world right now is dealing with a problem that should have been dealt with at the end of World War II. The rising tide of hatred and white nationalism has reared its’ ugly head again. As previously seen in such countries as Brazil, the UK, Hungary, Italy, Poland, Turkey, the Philippines and the United States. Now the latest country to be targeted by Vladimir Putin’s Internet Research Agency, or IRA, is Australia. The country and its’ rise of hate and white nationalism came under fire after the Christchurch shooting claimed the lives of 50 people. So the Land Down Under has a huge racist problem that it is dealing with. How are they handling it?





Yes, yes it was racist. But it seems there’s nowhere on earth right now that is immune from the rising tide of hate and white nationalism that is engulfing the planet. It’s Hitler’s vision on a global scale, and even New Zealand – a place that until recently was considered politically neutral, has fallen victim to Putin’s IRA.





Even Hitler isn’t pleased with this one. And you know when Hitler isn’t pleased, he isn’t pleased. What is to stop this rising tide of hate? Well if you’re in Australia and you only have eggs at your disposal, you use them, which is what one young Australian used when he confronted Senator Anning. If you start spouting white nationalist talking points in public, you’re going to get an egg in the face. It’s human nature.





Yes, that happened. So what can be done about it? Elections like Brexit and Trump happened when we weren’t looking. But when the next elections come around, is there anything we can do to stop the trolls and the IRA? Well, when it’s all connected as it is in New Zealand and Australia, then confronting it is going to be next to impossible. But we can be ready for them.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Washington DC! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it is our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know, a lot of my fellow zealots aren’t too keen on higher education. We here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 encourage higher education. It’s one of the staples of this country that makes it great, despite what the unholy Dark One is saying about universities! But… it is getting to be way too expensive! And what does your top dollar get you for admission into these universities, you might ask? Well, if you look at the holiest universities, such as Notre Dame or Liberty University, you might get a whole lot more than you bargained for!





Yes, that does seem suspicious indeed! Now in doing the LAWRD’s work, which Jerry Falwell Jr does not, why did they wait until the Dark One assumed power in order to begin selling fuel to the Pentagon? I mean I have never seen anything so preposterous! But the media wasn’t reporting this story and they should report it more! I mean this is some shady shit that we’re seeing here, and I am not at all surprised that Liberty University is doing something shady!





Now I am going to do something unusual and switch subjects for the rest of the segment! I mean yes we only have a limited amount of time here at mass and I can’t divulge anything. I mean that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would do, is it! There’s another higher education controversy that I wanted to get to this week. What is appropriate dress code at mass? It seems that Notre Dame is in trouble over a controversy with the ladies!





Yes, won’t somebody think of the children indeed! Oh those poor downtrodden males being subjected to the horrors of form-fitting women’s clothing? Won’t somebody please think of their impure thoughts that might arise! Well, something’s arising anyways! Yes, I couldn’t help that joke sir, we are allowed to do that in my church! And I am using that to prove a point – we’re allowed progressive viewpoints and humor in our church! It’s the people who forbid it where it all goes to shit! So what happens when people don’t? Well you get this! What is this scandal really about?





Except we did there, good sir!!!! But this isn’t about the children, this is about the mothers of the children! They might have just as well have said “You dang kids get off my lawn!!”. There you have it, mass has ended! May you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
[br] [/font] [br



Conservatives love to fight strange battles. One of which is a restaurant that repeatedly gets flogged for its’ human rights violations and repeatedly donates to anti-LGBT groups, such as James Dobson’s Focus On The Family, and that is Chik-Fil-A. Well, new controversy erupted this week over Chik-Fil-A getting banned from the airport food court. Really, you’re upset that you can’t eat your favorite shit food restaurant of choice going from San Antonio to Milwaukee, conservatives? All of our other problems have been solved? So you’re choosing to fight battles at the terminal food court. It’s all part of a culture war that nobody asked for, nor did they really want in the first place. Well here’s more.





Oh sure, it starts out innocently enough and that it was a good gesture that the City Of San Antonio actually cares about its’ LGBT citizens. But then the Texas republican party got involved. And you know that nothing good happens when they get a hold of something. Yes, the same people who gave us Trump turn everything to shit!





Yeah how dare you interfere with my right to preach hatred and eat fried chicken and waffle fries! How dare you, I say!!! But the City Of San Antonio wasn’t alone in banning Chik Fil A from the terminal food court, and you know how politics makes for strange bedfellows. The city of Buffalo also banned Chik Fil A from the terminal food court for the exact same reasons! But at least in New York, they don’t have the Texas republican party to deal with!





By the way, Christian conservatives, before you get your underwear in a wad over which restaurants are being allowed at the airport, you should be more concerned with the quality of the food you’re getting at the airport. George Carlin once said that the “terminal snack bar” is probably an appropriate name for it, and he might actually be right! These are some real headlines that have appeared in the last month, and you might want to think twice before you pull the trigger on the airport Popeyes, or Starbucks, or Chik Fil A, or McDonalds, or anywhere else you might fly to!












[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey Washington DC! I really need a drink!



Of course you know by now that the idea of this feature is that we cocktail and while we’re cocktailing we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And this week we’re going to talk about the great bagel controversy of 2019. Yes, bagels. So tell me bartender, what goes well with some bagels with lox and cream cheese? A glass of Manechevitz? Eh, I think I will stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So we’re going to get schvitzed and talk about the right way to slice your bagels. Sliced horizontally with a giant schmear of cream cheese. Maybe some smoked salmon thrown in for good measure. But how does St. Louis slice theirs?





NO!!! It is not hard to eat a bagel, you idiots! And I’ve eaten plenty of them in my life! Bagels are delicious, especially prepared with the right cream cheese! They don’t need any additional help or new and innovative ways to eat them! Thank you, audience! And if you’re that concerned about getting cream cheese everywhere, maybe don’t put that much on it. So how is this dividing the country? As if we don’t need more division!





Ah thanks, I needed that! Now of course, Twitter, in its’ usual fashion, is never one to rest on its’ laruels, and instead decided to show other ways that St. Louis could improve various foods. And even one of Trump’s favorite targets, Chuck Schumer, decided to weigh in on the controversy. He’s from New York, he should know the proper form of bagel consumption!





So we’ve got two bagels here – one prepared the right way, and one prepared the St. Louis way. Let’s try these. Dude, that’s not a bagel! It’s sliced fucking bread!!! I mean really they probably sell these at the grocery store as “bread chips”. Yeah you know the day old bag of them that you find next to the fresh made bread. With that in mind, what do actual New Yorkers think of this crime against food? Well, they think of it as a crime against food! Literally!






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Ladies and gentlemen, we are at the end of Round 1! Last week as you know, Michigan routed Alaska to advance to play Wisconsin in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship. Meanwhile in the Gun Nut Conference, Florida hung on by a thread as Montana answered with 10 straight points but could not make that final basket in. What an utter defeat for Montana. This week it’s the final week of Round 1 as we head to the home of the Oregon Ducks, the Matthew Knight Arena! This week Georgia will battle Texas to take on the Batshit Conference championship and the winner will play Kentucky. While in the Family Values Conference, two longtime favorites – Ohio and Alabama, will duke it out to play Mississippi in the FVC championships! Let’s break out those brackets and follow along!

:large

[font size="4"]Georgia Vs Texas[/font]

[font size="4"]Georgia[/font]

Georgia was one of the hottest teams in the NFFSA last year. Usually a last place offering in the Batshit Conference, the election between Stacy Abrams and Brian Kemp was the stuff of pure insanity and it still isn’t over even though Brian Kemp was declared the winner and he is already serving. Abrams may have moved on also, but it isn’t over without a fight. But not even a few months into his term, Kemp is already moving on to being investigated by a Georgia House committee! Yes, one of the craziest politicians that Georgia has elected in some time didn’t take long to make that claim of his overall craziness.





And they might need a few bad court thingys. And of course once he got to power what did he immediately do? Cater to the Christian right and anti-abortion extremists by signing an absolutely dangerous bill that will have long lasting implications!




[font size="4"]Texas[/font]


Last year’s champion needs absolutely no introduction. The state that can manage to outcrazy Florida always never disappoints in this tournament. But this year injuries and trades have sidelined the champions. So what will it take to bounce back and claim the Batshit Conference title? Well a whole lot of pure, unaltered insanity including a botched voter purge. Yes, they can’t even purge voters correctly in the Lone Star State!





That is true! And by the way, Texas Man might be the new Florida Man. But Texas Man can be way scarier than Florida Man in every way. While we view Florida Man as the funny, weird, quirky, bizarre, meth addicted personality that we’ve all come to know and love, Texas Man takes that and adds insanity and evil. Want proof? Alex Jones is from there. And this guy.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Well this is another close game that is going to come down to the wire here! Current score is 65 – 63, with less than a minute to go. Here comes Texas, they shoot… they MISS!!! Oh my god, Texas misses the ball, and here comes Georgia with the rebound. They shoot… they’re in!!!! Georgia hits it just as the clock runs out. Final score 66 – 65, Texas is stunned, they will go home, Georgia moves on to face Kentucky!

[font size="4"]Ohio Vs Alabama[/font]

[font size="4"]Ohio[/font]


The Buckeye State needs no introduction. The state that gave us such universities as Dayton and The Ohio State (don’t you dare forget the “The”), Cincinatti, and Kent State, may be home to some of the most brilliant minds in the country. But there’s also a lot of expanse between the major cities in the Buckeye State. Which means that there’s a lot of rural towns. And with those rural towns comes lots of family values loving, Bible thumping insanity! So just how much does Ohio love its’ children? Well, not a whole lot as much as the love children that are still in the womb.





Apparently, you don’t, so stop asking! So let’s explore Ohio hypocrisy here for a minute. They love children and their politicians run on that fact. Just ask Jim Jordan. What? Too soon? Really, sir, that’s the joke you choose to go out on? Fine. But consider this – Ohio considers the fetus so human that they require a disposal of remains after passing. This is shockingly evil.





[font size="4"]Alabama[/font]


Alabama is pure Trump country. They were one of the first states to plunk down all their electoral votes in the 2016 election and the politicians they’ve elected since then have been just absolutely batshit crazy and thumping the Bible harder than the other guy. Sure, they may have dodged a huge bullet by electing Doug Jones over Roy Moore but that’s just the beginning. Let’s put it this way, there’s no way that the Yellowhammer State is turning Blue anytime soon. Remember Ohio’s extreme anti-abortion law they passed earlier? Alabama is upping the ante!





Yes that did go south! But guess what? It seems that Alabama don’t care. In fact they don’t care so much that it’s affecting the entire state, and it’s going to affect it for the foreseeable future. Because while Trump is planning to do a huge reversal on America’s health care laws, it seems that Alabama will be one of the worst affected by it. So what can be done about it? Electing new people for one.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Sorry, Ohio, but Alabama owns this conference, and they have for the last 3 years! They handily hand Ohio their walking papers by routing them with a score of 15. Final score – 81 – 66. The Elite 8 is set people, it’s getting very exciting!!

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

We begin round 2 play as we take an expanded look at the Gun Nut Conference – Florida Vs Oregon, the winner moves on to the Layover League championship, the loser goes home! We’re live in Reno at the home of the Wolfpack, the Lawlor Arena, for all the action! It’s getting very exciting!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]AFI[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen you know my next guest, you can see them on tour with Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds and the Smashing Pumpkins this July and August. Playing their song “Break Angels” from their new EP “The Missing Man”, give it up for AFI!




Thank you Washington DC! This was fun, we’ll be back soon! We’re back in New York City next week! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Bethel Church Band, Salt Lake City
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