Sex and the single Mormon

[Blue_Tires]

To many Americans, religious or not, chastity before marriage is a quaint tradition at best and emotionally damaging at worst.

After all, more than 90 percent of men and women, according to Guttmacher Institute surveys during the past 50 years, have reported engaging in premarital sex. And the older a single person becomes, many people believe, the more ridiculous it seems to forgo physical intimacy.

That’s the perspective of Mormon poet Nicole Hardy, who, in a New York Times essay last month, described her decision to join the rest of the modern world.

"As I grew older, I had the distinct sense of remaining a child in a woman’s body; virginity brought with it arrested development on the level of a handicapping condition," Hardy writes. "Too independent for Mormon men, and too much a virgin for the other set, I felt trapped in adolescence."

Hardy, who declined to be interviewed until her forthcoming book is out, had reached a point in her mid-30s at which she believed it no longer was worth holding out. Though she credited her church for giving her family stability and joy, those were not enough for the Seattle writer to remain chaste.

"I would have an IUD instead of children; I would have intellectual and spiritual freedom; I would write poems and finally live inside my body," she concludes. "I would, for the love of God, feel a man’s hands on me before I died."

Hardy’s essay, reprinted in other media outlets, swept across the Mormon bloggernacle — with online critics and defenders chiming in. They argued about her reasoning. They blamed her, not the Utah-based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for her predicament. They said she misunderstood Mormon principles. Others told their own stories and empathized with her complaints. In other words, they felt — and lived — her pain.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/51222978-80/says-church-lds-sex.html.csp

[xchrom]

1. very interesting. nt

[HereSince1628]

2. I suspect her frustration mounted as she realized she was mightily alone

even among Mormon women. As an ex-mormon I'd be betting mormons are pretty much just like the rest of us with respect to adolescent sexual exploration, at least until they fill out polling questions on sexual activity.

[Kennah]

3. Before coming to a conclusion ...

... I'd probably need to have sex with more than just a single Mormon.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

4. Usual right wing unrealistic attitude about sex she was dealing with.

It doesn't make sense to tell adults that they can't have sex, that sex is dirty and horrible, but if you are married then all of a sudden it is different. They say:
If you are married then you will be in a committed relationship, and your partner will love you.

These right wing Christians are fetishizing a piece of paper. Well, guess what. I've been married and divorced twice.

Neither of these men loved me or respected me by their actions. And just because we were married, that marriage certificate did NOT make them love me or respect me or honor me or keep me. In fact, the second one NEVER ONCE told me that he loved me.

The first one told me he loved me, and then went out and screwed seven of my girlfriends and bragged about it. The second one refused to have sex with me, and deliberately went without bathing to repel me. :shrug: :wtf:

A piece of paper cannot make a person act a certain way. They are wrong. The only thing this attitude does is help the divorce lawyers.

And also, a lot of people get married just because they want to have sex, and talk themselves into being in love with someone.

People who have had premarital or non-marital sex should not apologize if they were not being dishonest or manipulating anyone. The article says if you have premarital sex you are setting yourself up for heartache.
So? Any relationship can go bad and turn into a heartache, whether it's a one-night stand you thought would be something more serious, a short term relationship, or a long term relationship.

That is the way life is -- unpredictable. Getting married does not make it any more predictable unless both partners are committed to each other.

[hfojvt]

12. it must be nice to have options

I am kind of amazed that your first husband managed to have sex with 8 women. I have had an awful time trying to find even one woman willing to have sex with me, let alone 8. And he's apparently not a very nice guy either.

And the second guy? How did he ever get somebody to marry him?

And secondly, why did he bother? For the cooking and cleaning?

This author apparently feels like she can find somebody willing to have sex with her. And that's probably true of most reasonably attractive women. However, she can probably also find somebody willing to marry her.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

15. The first one, we were both in college.

He was 19, I was a few years older. Must have been lots of hot girls in college. He was not a nice guy but has since cleaned up his act, after I saw him 30 years later.

The second one, I think he just wanted a housekeeper that he could sleep with once in a while.

After I had a baby he refused to have sex with me, on the grounds that I had "trapped" him.
We were married for several months before I got pregnant. I don't think that's trapping him into marriage. He was just selfish and never thought of anything else. Everything was measured in terms of dollar signs.

:wtf:

[Cronus Protagonist]

5. I often see groups of Mormon men at the coffeeshop

Age ranging from 18 to about 30. They only drink water, which is one thing that makes them stand out at the coffee shop. The other is their perpetually adolescent, even childish behavior. I often feel sorry for them, denied the fulfillment of their species' evolution by their fucked up religion. Then I remember their church's efforts to attack blacks, gays and so on, and I start enjoying watching their stunted way of being. I guess that's called schadenfreude. :P

[Bunny]

6. 'bloggernacle'!

:rofl:

I don't think one needs to experience sex to be considered a fully adult person, but I do agree that expecting a woman in her thirties to remain chaste simply because she hasn't found a husband yet is very infantilizing.

[fishwax]

17. lol -- i thought that was quite funny too

:rofl:

[SoCalDem]

7. My son's best friend in HS was Mormon

He fathered an out-of-wedlock baby (they married later & now have 5), two sisters had out-of-wedlock babies and did not marry the dads..

raging hormones trump religion:evilgrin:

[LuvNewcastle]

8. I can't believe she lasted as long as she did.

The Mormon church should have given her a set of golden underwear just for holding out that long.

[Angry Dragon]

10. At least, for it seems she lost the first set

[hfojvt]

13. it's not a world record or anything

I am going to be 49 in March.

My own damn fault though, for not seeing that movie so many years ago. I was warned.

[LuvNewcastle]

14. It isn't too late.

People have sex well into old age. They even make pills for people who need a little help. Don't think about what you didn't do; concentrate on what you can do.

[hfojvt]

16. not only that

but the movie is still available on DVD

http://www.amazon.com/Last-American-Virgin-Lawrence-Monoson/dp/B00009OWJW

from the ads "see it, or be it"

[sofa king]

9. I guess anal is still out of the question?

I had a friend who attended a Mormon college, and while she was there some of the more inventive guys perused the scripture and began spreading the rumor that anal sex was not specifically prohibited--with predictable results. The school had to, um, reeducate a considerable number of students, I was told.

Similarly, I remember getting high as a kite with a bunch of kids on the way to see Judas Priest, and as we passed the Mormon Temple on the Beltway one of them asked me what I thought of the Mormons. I don't really know much about them, I said. "We're all Mormons," he replied. Then they went on to explain that neither Judas Priest nor marijuana were specifically forbidden--as long as nobody found out, of course.

The British Navy used to call this sort of maneuvering, "sea lawyering."

[ZombieHorde]

11. As Nietzsche said, "God is dead."

If I really believed in the Christian god, I would avoid premarital sex.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

18. I thought that Biblical marriage was King David and 900 concubines.