Went to a visitation for a family friend tonight

[Ex Lurker]

what would be called a wake in some parts of the country. Nice man, well liked, well known in the community. There was a long line to greet the family, who must have been heartened at the response. That said, I don't want something like that. I'm thinking about donating my body to medical science. I can't stop my family from having some kind of event, but I'll make it known that it's against my wishes.

I won't go into details in case of the remote possibility someone who knows him is reading this. The gentleman suffered from a severe illness and opted for some pretty extreme medical intervention, which didn't "take." He may have extended his life by a few months at best, at the cost of a great deal of pain and suffering. It was an object lesson to me. If I am ever in that situation, I'll think long and hard before I go that route. There's something to be said for facing reality and letting nature take its course. And it's criminal that this country for the most part doesn't permit euthanasia.

No real point to this post, just something that's been weighing on my mind tonight.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Oregon has liberal laws when it comes to end of life issues.

Everyone needs to think about these things ahead of time, and get their wishes in writing.

The Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare is a legal document where you put what you want done, and you appoint someone to speak for you if you're unable.

You do realize that wakes are for the survivors? They need to what they need in order to start coming to terms with their loss...

You have done a very smart thing by thinking about this...

[orleans]

2. my mom was a very private person. she didn't want a wake or funeral

and i honored her wishes--

years ago she told me a couple times that if i ever had a funeral or wake for her she would come back and haunt me! lol!

i feel she's still around, close by and with me very often. not haunting but rather just hanging out with me. which suits me just fine. (i've never been big on goodbyes)

put your wishes in writing, give a copy to "next of kin" or whoever would be responsible for making decisions--and implore them to honor your wishes. then see what your state has to say about it legally.

[csziggy]

3. If it makes the survivors feel better, they can have a wake

Or a party or a "Thank goodness she's gone!" blow out. I won't care, I won't be around to worry about it. But there are no provisions in my final directives for any kind of memorial or wake because I really don't care.

I do have to say that the few close friends and relatives who have passed and for whom some sort of event was held, it did make me feel better to have an opportunity to remember them. Only one, my sister, had a religious event and it was miserable and did little to help ease my grief. The gathering of family and friends after was much better as we all shared memories.

The other friends and relatives had non-religious gatherings and sharing of memories was the most organized part and the part that gave the most comfort at each.

[pinboy3niner]

4. It's worthwhile to think about

And, as CA Peg said, to make legal provisions to carry out your wishes.

Personally, I absolutely HATE going to funerals. I've lost a lot of people in my life, which makes funerals very tough for me. At the same time, I understand how important it is for the living to have some way of closure in dealing with a loss.

The issue came up again for me a few months ago, when I lost my little brother. He was cremated, so there was a memorial service instead of a funeral, and it was followed by a wake at his house with his wife, and son, and daughter and many, many friends. And what a time we had!

The eulogies at the service were filled with loving remembrances--and a lot of funny stories about my brother. They moved my other brother and me to get up and speak (something we'd had NO intention of doing), to share some of our own memories and funny stories.

It was more of the same at the "reception," which was really more of an Irish wake. There were tears, but there was far more laughter throughout. It was a real celebration of my brother's life, and I would not have missed it for the world. I lost my brother, but the events marking his passing were among the most memorable experiences of my life. It gave me a new outlook on these ceremonies that I used to dread so much.

As for those medical interventions, I had a friend who went through a lung transplant that was difficult, but it gave him eight more years. Other friends have gone through various heart interventions--and I'm happy to report that they're all still here. Something to think about before dismissing them--they can be and often are a real lifesaving and life-extending possibility.

[Ilsa]

5. My mother-in-law didn't have a wake or anything for my father-in-law's passing.

Honestly, it left a gaping emotional hole in the family. They never came together all at once to celebrate his incredible life. Personally, I think healing took longer. His daughter tried to get a ceremony initiated, but his wife refused to deal with it.

I guess my point is that even if it is small and private, it might help those who love you to do something together, even if it is unconventional. I applaud you for thinking ahead.

[TheKentuckian]

6. Going through this right now with making arrangements for my mother, I'd encourage some plan

and some kind of memorial, even if it is a kegger for the survivors. It isn't for you but for those you leave behind.

Nothing seems like it would leave a hole and arrest closure.

[bobbolink]

7. A wake and funeral isn't about the deceased... it is CLOSURE for the survivors.

I've experienced what it is like to have no closure..... do you really want to be that selfish?

[pipi_k]

8. The closest thing to euthanasia I have seen...

is hospice.

Not that they actually practice euthanasia or anything, but...


When my 93 year old MIL broke her second hip and came to live with us, it was a very tough time, especially for her. The usual prognosis for a broken hip is 6 months. She had already survived one broken hip by a few years...this one was harder.

Anyway, after what must have been the fifth or sixth trip to the ER in the three months she was here, an astute doctor qualified her for hospice (when her OWN doctor would not!)

She lived another two months.

My point here is that all her usual meds were stopped. She was given Fentanyl and Morphine for "pain". These meds eventually put her into a coma from which she never recovered.

she slipped away very peacefully one morning while Mr P and I held her hands.


Now I'm seeing the same thing happen with my younger brother, who is dying from liver and renal failure. He went to visit our mom and a sister in FL two weeks ago. He has been very ill the past year, but always bounced back...except for this time. My sister called hospice and got him in the program. He's at her house now, on morphine. I know that eventually he will get enough to go into a coma, and then he will die. I don't want him to die, but if he has to go, this is the way I want for him. Not suffering...bleeding from every orifice and covered with bleeding sores all over his body. I want for him to end his days in peace.

I thank the good people of hospice who ease the suffering of the terminally ill... and comfort the family, who are glad their loved ones are no longer in pain.