It's like I am trying to hold sand in my hands

[The Straight Story]

Not sure if that makes any sense at all to many of you, but it fits me right now.

I was without my boys for many years, I used to search newspapers from where they lived at one time in hopes of seeing their names and knowing they were alright. 8 years I spent without them, then in the period of a few months my mom died, mom #2 died, and my X died and then I suddenly found myself talking to one of my boys.

After that my now X wife found out she had Parkinson's disease, and I did my best to be there for her, and she suddenly up and left me - and now counts me as her best friend. She has memory issues, does not even know at times what she told me a few days ago. Tonight she hugged me and held me close, told me I was the one person who ever really understood her - and then ten minutes later she was 'gone' and moved on to something else.

I live for the most simple of things, like having my daughter here with me - just to have her in the same room with me, to watch her play games and talk about some pop star I could care less about.

I have another daughter out in California who has no idea who I am, I watch her grow up on face book - her mom and I are good friends but we decided back in 1998 not to have her know certain things, like who I am, so that she did not have the pain I knew my boys were going through when my x and I split. She is top of her class, a good artist, and is overall an amazing young lady.

Folks may not get it, but I did what was best for her and not me, and it worked out for her. So I am good with that. It's complicated - but she is happy, and that is all that matters.

My oldest son is in Iraq now. He misses his two little girls, his son, his wife. He is hurting, worried, so are his kids and his wife - and I just wish to hell I could make it all better.

No matter what I do I have come to realize that it is, indeed, like holding sand in your hands.

Some things are going to spill over, but you cannot focus on those things, you have to look down into your hands and focus on what it is you hold, instead of focusing on what it is you have lost.

I lost a lot, but I have also gained more than I could have ever imagined.

I am 45, I might be alone (as far as a relationship), but I sure have had an amazing life and have some great kids and memories. Could be worse. Could be raining :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKS_yJl_x70

[madokie]

1. I understand the sand reference

but for different reasons. I wish I could make it better for you, the uncertainty the anxiety but all I can do is offer a :hug:

Good man you are
rec
I wish we had a lot more just like ya'

[RandomThoughts]

2. Glad you find ways to find joy.

I disagree with this statement, "but she is happy, and that is all that matters." That lacks balance.

And the person you speak of would want you happy also. That is also why a prisoner can never love a guard for real, and why people have free will. It is a long topic.


I also do not agree with, 'it could be worse' does not matter any situation unacceptable is the same as any other.

I am due beer and travel money, and should not be in the craptastic situation I am in, and will not be in it even if the entire fabric of reality and time space must change, although I wont do it.

I will simply say, I am due that beer and travel money, and someone must pay or everything ends, since it is going to change one way or the other.

[riverwalker]

3. William Blake

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

[Hydra]

4. Losing things helps you see how important each moment is

If you are holding sand, hold it with your hands cupped and let nothing distract you. It is painful, but as you say, life can be amazing...hold on to that.