I was in the Wayback Machine. I found some pics, and I shouldn't have gone.

[Are_grits_groceries]

I have found brazillions of pics in the last few weeks. They have made me laugh, smile, cry, and feel melancholy. I found some today that immediately brought back intense rage and hurt.

At first I found pics from elementary school. My 3rd grade class picture is a hoot. Such innocence. I can remember every name, and it's been 50 years.

Then I found a photo that sent me into another realm and a tailspin. I was holding my white cat named Snowball. I had another adult cat called Mamacat who was Sowball's mother. Snowball had gone and had kittens much to my surprise.

I loved all those cats and kittens beyond all measure. They were my buddies, my friends, and my family.

Well, after Snowball had her kittens, my Daddy had a fit. He began wailing about the cost of keeping them and what a burden they were. One day he made his decree. He was sending Mamacat and one kitten to my aunt who lived on a farm. I could keep one kitten. The rest were going to the pound. To say I was devastated was an understatement.

I begged him to let me find homes for them when they were old enough. I begged him to let me earn money to have Snowball and Mamacat spayed. He wouldn't listen. I cried alll the time. I couldn't help it.

One day I was packed up with Mamacat and her one kitten. We were sent to my aunt's. I don't remember how long I was there. When I got back, Snowball and the kittens were gone. The pain and guilt I felt were overwhelming. I cold imagine her feeling lost and scared and wondering where Was.

I am crying now. Silly, huh?

I hated my Daddy with every fiber of my being, and I still do even though he's been gone for 30 years.

I am bereft once more after more than 50 years. The melancholy is upon me.

[dbt]

1. Not silly at all...

but try to find some forgiveness for your Dad. It will lighten your load.

Peace be unto you.

[Are_grits_groceries]

2. I can't stop crying.

Some deep spot was hit.

[dbt]

6. I understand.

Let the tears out, for they will heal you. And if you can forgive him, it will take away the power that these events have over you.

[Voice for Peace]

9. it's likely you didn't cry all your tears back then

and they are still there, and have been there for a long time.

That deep spot needs to clean itself out.

[Sal Minella]

8. I'm not at all sure "forgiveness" is desirable or possible for this

person.

Inflicting such pain on a child is an act of deliberate cruelty and some things are not forgivable, imo.

For people who have NOT had a deliberately cruel parent, this will make no sense, and that's okay. Consider yourselves lucky, okay?

[Merlot]

25. Thank you for posting this.

Forgiveness is not a cure-all. And for some it's not possible.

Also, forgiveness is a transaction between two people - first the person who did wrong must ASK for forgiveness. To forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness is dong both parties a disservice.

[Sal Minella]

28. Took me a long time to figure that out.

Over many years, I went from, "I should be able to forgive her, I need to work on that" to, finally, "She doesn't deserve to be forgiven."

And I've been okay with it since, because she wouldn't have given a shit either way.

[darth marth]

36. yes, I tried forgiveness but they weren't sorry

so I turned the other cheek and they knocked me on the floor.

A person cannot forgive or heal a situation on their own.

[varelse]

37. Thank you for this

I get the feeling sometimes that those advocating 'foregiveness' as a panacea for healing wounds created by cruelty do not seem to comprehend how much pain their own words can inflict.

[redqueen]

47. A-fucking-men.

[hifiguy]

48. +1

What a horribly sad story. That kind of behavior is inexcusable in anyone.

[WillParkinson]

3. We never lose our inner child...

And yours is hurting. First thing is you need to forgive yourself. There was nothing you could do. You tried your best. After you've forgiven YOU then you can work on forgiving others.

[Are_grits_groceries]

5. I think I lost more than my buddies.

I lost my Mama and Daddy because I don't believe I ever trusted them again.

[darth marth]

35. that hit home- big time

I lost my entire birth family, because my parents stole my inheritance and my brothers got theirs, so who cares about me eh? No one stood up for me. It is so fucked up. This is why I can better understand the republican party.

[HappyMe]

4. I don't know what to say.

No, it's not silly.


:hug:

[Duppers]

7. Sister?

I really have a problem looking at old photos too - for the same reason.

:hug:

[KatyaR]

10. Me, too, or even thinking about those days.

Too much grief, heartache, and loss--I can't handle it anymore.

[SOS]

11. Sadly, it never goes away

My beloved dalmatian, Laika, turned out to be deaf.
One day I came home from school to find that Laika had been sent "to live on a farm".
I was too young to understand what that meant.

It is now 43 years later and I still can't believe it.

Note to parents: Never do something like this!
Your child will not forget this nightmare as long as they live.

[PCIntern]

12. Awful...

we had cats, up to six at one time, five from a litter of our cat, known as Cat until she gave birth and then she became Mommycat for the rest of her long long life. Each cat was like family...but BETTER.

I empathize with your upset...and grieve with you.

Sad.

[itsrobert]

13. Hated your dad over some cats?

Sounds extremely harsh judgmental.

[Name removed]

15. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[itsrobert]

16. I am sure your dad had to live with that decision

Do you think he enjoyed it? Place yourself in his shoes. But there still maybe facts in his life you may not be privy to that resulted in his choice. My father sent us off to Disneyland, we came home and the family dog was gone. The thing we didn't understand was the dog was blind and ill because the mailman spray him with poison. Your dad probably thought he was making the right decision according to his life experiences. I am guessing he grew up in the depression, where he did not have the luxury of pets and caring for them.

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[itsrobert]

18. You are right

That's why I am only responding to this one story you have shared with us on a discussion board.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

20. Dad betrayed the kid and took away those loved cats.

That was heinous. The OP's anger is absolutely understandable, and I think I'd have reacted exactly the same way. You don't easily get over that kind of betrayal.

[hfojvt]

46. I don't think I would

I love my dad. He's my dad. He played catch with me. Got me my first football, my trumpet, my piano lessons (okay I sorta hated those, but years later I have gotten much enjoyment from the pianoforte), my bicycle, etc. He played cards with us, took us on family vacations from the Great Salt Lake and Banff and Jasper to London and Paris (Canada that is) and Maine and my home state of South Carolina. And so on.

I loved my cat and my grandmother's cats and my dad's aunt's cats, but I also didn't make much fuss when it was decided that the cat was too wild to keep.

I just can't see hating a dad over just one incident, and loving cats more.

[Stinky The Clown]

22. SHAME on you

[tabasco]

14. I don't know why people think it's so important to forgive.

I encounter assholes like your father in life and I simply accept that they are assholes and dislike them, often intensely.

I try to avoid people like that but have no need to forgive them.

If people change themselves and make amends, then, I can forgive. But just forgiving for the sake of forgiving is pointless, IMO.

[stevenleser]

24. The point is you do not ruminate over the issue

If it no longer bothers you, there is nothing to worry about.

[Sal Minella]

26. Yes. Well said. n/t

[astral]

19. How do we work through feelings like that?

I had a cat that I brought home, from two doors down as a kitten, with my parents' permission. She was too small to be taken from her mother but we were allowed to do so because we were moving and she was then kept in a birdcage on our laps on the jet plane and fed milk from a toy baby bottle. When that cat was 13 years old, 3 kitty-litters later, my parents took her away in secret and had her put down because they thought she was peeing on the floor (turns out it was a second cat we had in the house). When I noticed she wasn't around, and asked about her they laughed scornfully and pointed out that I didn't even notice she was gone, they had done it two days ago.

I really had a hard time getting over that, or did I even get over it? I used to call her my 'baby mama cat' because I had had her since I was four years old, and I felt like that cat loved me while my own mom didn't.

This summer my mom died and it is hard to think about the end of her life and how she depended on me to do some things to get her aid that I couldn't do, not for lack of trying. In the end I feel like I will never get over the pain of not being able to be there for my mom, just like I felt the pain when still somewhat of a child of not being able to be there to save my cat from being put to death.

It is really hard to get over the pain of existence sometimes, when it feels like it is nothing but pain, and it feels like it won't end.

Especially during the holidays. I do not need people around me at all for any reason at this time, and being isolated as much as I can is the only way for me to survive right now.

I think the problem is, for some of us anyway, as children, when things like this are done to us we feel like we are not worthy human beings because we are not treated like we are worthy human beings. It takes a lot to unlearn that, sometimes it leaves lifelong scars.

[Sal Minella]

30. "I do not need people around me" isn't strong enough.

For me, it's "I need to have NO ONE around me." My own peaceful and sensible company is what I crave most over the holidays, and it's really hard to make well-meaning friends understand that.

I think you're not "isolated" -- you are in good company -- your own!!!

[vanlassie]

21. This is important. The decision to "forgive" someone only means

that you CHOOSE no longer to hold ill will against them, because you realize that it is not hurting them, BUT IT IS HURTING YOU. Resentment is: "Ill will held over time, for what was originally a GOOD REASON."

The decision to let go of the resentment (hurt, believing you were mistreated, betrayed, etc.)is totally for YOU. Not for them.

[Sal Minella]

29. I think letting go of the resentment is good but it is not the same

thing as forgiving the person who deliberately injured you and never regretted it.

It's sort of like going into your house on a cold day and shutting the door -- you can't change the cold outside, but you can shut the door and let your house warm up inside.

[vanlassie]

31. Whether you call it resentment, or something else, bottom line,

it is us holding on to, or choosing to let go of, the hurt. It is hard, if not impossible to do, if you demand that the other person do, feel, or say, anything. And,if that person is dead now, am I doomed to hold it forever, since they are/were not appropriately regretful? That's the demand that life be different than it is.

[Adsos Letter]

39. Very well said. A point I also came to accept after living a lifetime with unresolved anger.

At some point you gotta' find a way to let go. It doesn't mean you have to like the person/persons that are at issue. It doesn't mean you have to want to have anything to do with them anymore. It does mean that you find a way to let go of a hot coal that is only burning you.

It is hard, if not impossible to do, if you demand that the other person do, feel, or say, anything.

Indeed. I find that with some of my deepest resentments it isn't a matter of a one time fix.

[denese]

23. I'm crying now too

is that silly?
I don't think so. All I can say is I am so sorry. your story about ripped my heart out:hug:

[marlakay]

27. I used to hold onto some big hurts like that and

And it messed up my life for a long time. I wouldn't use the word forgive but I would say "let go" .

It's hard to let go and it takes a lot of trying but you eventually can. You can remember the painful thing and while you know it was absolutely wrong of the person to do what they did, for your own personal sanity you have to let go of the anger, hurt, etc. Because in the end you end up more messed up than the person who caused it.

[TuxedoKat]

32. Sorry,.,

We had something similar happen to us. Our parents got rid of our mother cat Percy and one of her kittens, Softy, even though we were good about finding homes for her litters. Wish they had just been responsible and had them spayed and neutered. I spay and neuter all my pets and rescues that I find too. (((HUGS)))

[darth marth]

33. I had something exactly like this happen to me....

'Wicked' stepmother and father jailed for stealing schoolgirl's inheritance
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/8914867/Wicked-stepmother-and-father-jailed-for-stealing-schoolgirls-inheritance.html

I have been in denial that my parents could actually be this evil, they gave the proper inheritance to my brothers, they just don't like me or my choices or politics. Now it turns out I should have had them thrown in jail.

I tried to forgive them, but they are not even sorry. They still justify their behavior. I tried to go on and pretend everything was normal, but they still continued to treat me and my family like crap. I really don't know how I am supposed to get over that and I really don't want to take my parents to court to get justice. My brothers have no kids, got their inheritance. I have children, nothing. These are their only grandchildren. Avid Republicans and 'catholics' This makes absolutely no sense to me.

But I'll tell you one thing....getting screwed over by trusted authority figures really helps shape a life.

Now I question everything, and know a lot more. Now I use my time and strength to fight for the walked on people of the world. I can relate to injustice in a whole new way, and my levels of compassion have reached new heights.

[BrendaBrick]

34. It's good to talk about these feelings...

to get them out. to grieve the loss. I can empathize with you and its not silly at all. :hug:

[pink-o]

38. Sorry, but I think "Forgiveness" is overrated.

The only reason to get rid of the anger is to help yourself. I believe it's important to work through the pain and heal yourself, but I draw the line at making peace with someone who rips my heart to shreds. I can usually get past the devastation of betrayal, but I will never be able to have the same relationship with the betrayer himself. Which is for the best, I think: the person who betrays you obviously has issues himself and if you forgive him and try it again you could get brought down completely.

I don't care if this sounds selfish. I don't care if it's your family member or a lover, I just believe we have to take care of ourselves. When someone says: "Turn the other cheek" I say "Yeah, these two butt cheeks are the last you'll ever see of me as I walk out the door."

[vanlassie]

40. I know, Pink-o. And, maybe we are talking about slightly different concepts here, but,

hear me out? If you don't care to forgive, and to forgive would mean that you resume the relationship as it was before, or that you decide that what the other person did was OK, fair enough.

No one would tell a person who was raped or something to resume the relationship with their rapist! And if you have a family member who has been truly evil to you, you need to get away from them, too.

But regardless, this is not really the point, is it? It's what is happening inside YOUR body that matters now. And if you are pissed off for years and years, it is taking a physical and psychic toll on -who? YOU. So the question is NOT are you going to be friendly with that person who did something awful. You can choose to, or NOT to. Either way- are you going to carry it around on your back like a sack of dead carcasses? It will get increasingly heavy and smelly if you keep piling things in that sack! This is the reason we are encouraged to choose to let it go- something many people call forgiving. Call it what you want- just don't keep "drinking the poison while waiting for the other guy to die."

Choosing to let it go is both simple and terrifying. But it's well worth it and you will recover some of your lost humanity, which will then be freed up to create something better in it's place.

[pink-o]

41. Oh, I wholly agree with the "letting go" part. I guess I wasn't clear enough on that.

What happens when the betrayer is a close friend or family member is that others around you urge you to "forgive" and not to sever the relationship. I guess my friend put it perfectly: "I can forgive, but I never forget". What I mean is, when the person is so toxic to you, there's no reason to feel guilty for wanting to walk away and heal yourself. I don't care if it's your parents, kids BFF's or spouses. If that person is gonna suck the life from you, you need to turn your "other cheeks" and never look back.

[BrendaBrick]

42. I think that the major culprit here is...

an overall societal trend to not ever really LOOK this ugliness CLEAR in the face and admit that it A) DOES HAPPEN and B) Have no idea/inkling as to the long arm of damage it causes. Perhaps for a lifetime.

THIS, as far as I am concerned is the basis as to just why so many who were abused can not *simply get over it*.

Its VERY REAL and long term effects and ramifications are basically swept under the rug...adding insult to injury.

Victims, I think, want nothing more than just to BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD! THAT IS ALL!

That yes, OK. This happened to me through no fault of my own. Period. THIS is the damage and confusion that it has caused.

Let's just GET REAL Ya'll!!!!

I don't really think that is so unreasonable.

To admit these damages.

Because really - how can you ever even THINK to try and solve a problem in the first place without first EVEN understanding the damage it causes to begin with?

That's my major, personal bone to pick here.

...and as far as all of this *forgiveness* talk here - it is a personal decision and/or non-decision either way.

How DARE someone even allude that one must forgive one way or the other! What works for one, may not work for another. Just the way it shakes out.

It is not anyone's place to rant and rave about the pros/cons/virtues of forgiveness.

We process all of this stuff in our own time...in our own way.

Whatever eventually makes us all sleep well at night is the answer.

Probably would be a very good thing to just keep that little tid-bit in mind...is all I'm sayin' here ~

[vanlassie]

43. The truth shall set you free. I think somebody said that, once.

[Name removed]

45. Deleted message

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[Liberal_in_LA]

44. k&r