Borowitz: In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy Shit

[Contrary1]

Pepper Spraying, Homicide Bullish Indicators, Economists Say

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless shit.

“We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend,” said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the University of Minnesota. “When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed.”

Mr. Logsdon said he was “impressed” by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter a Walmart unarmed.

“If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you’d better have a firearm,” he said. “Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great doorbusters on firearms.”

Walmart and other retailers’ decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: “Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier.”

All in all, Dr. Logsdon said that the increased violence and mayhem at retail outlets across the country was “a testament to the greatness of the American consumer.”

“Egyptians risk their lives for new government,” he said. “Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens.”

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

[Fire Walk With Me]

1. K&R!

[NYC_SKP]

3. Did you hear CNN? They called the act of using pepper spray "competitive shopping"!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

:hi:

[Arctic Dave]

2. Sadly, more truth then poetry. Nt

[Denninmi]

4. How very Tea Party of them.

The ones I know are the type who would act like this.

[BeyondGeography]

5. Ugly Americana, at Wal-Marts coast-to-coast

http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/11/day_of_spray_cops_shoppers_turn_to_pepper_spray_to.php?ref=fpa

[liberal N proud]

6. The last line is a very sad statement about America

[Historic NY]

7. They can walk over to the sports counter & get all the ammo they need too..

[RagAss]

8. Loser Friday !