Satire from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/10/scores-of-protestors-sickened-by-godfather%e2%80%99s-pizza/New York (DBI) – As if their depiction by GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain wasn’t already hard enough to swallow, scores of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors were rushed to area hospitals today after falling ill from what sources believe was a tainted delivery — ironically, it is presumed, — from Godfather’s Pizza, Cain’s former company.
“When we arrived at the scene, we observed perhaps a hundred or more people in various stages of gastrointestinal distress,” EMS Captain Christopher Toomey told reporters. “We were able to confirm that most of them had consumed various food items that had been delivered earlier in the day. But I must say, there were several really queasy looking ones I spoke with personally who had not eaten at all, but did report they had been watching YouTube videos of Mr. Cain’s weekend television appearances.”
Toomey added that none of the cases appeared to be life threatening.
When told of the incident – and its positive prognosis — Mr. Cain is reported to have responded to an aide, “Of course it’s not life threatening – none of those a******s have lives.”
Federal authorities promised a full investigation. They have jurisdiction as the alleged tainted delivery came into New York from New Jersey because in recent years, Famous Famiglia (Donald Trump’s cheese pie of choice) has managed to muscle Godfather’s completely out of the City’s five boroughs, though rumors persist that a lone holdout Godfather’s franchise is still secretly operating somewhere on Staten Island.
But while the New York City FBI office claims they are already looking into the matter, House Majority Leader Eric Candor has vowed to block any form of Federal probe until House Democrats agree to spending cuts that will offset the cost any investigation to taxpayers.
Rajiv Makesh, who operates the North Bergen, New Jersey Godfather’s location rumored to have filled the delivery order insisted that his business maintains only the highest standards of quality control.
“Every pizza and other food item that comes out of our store is prepared personally by either my mother or myself. We only use the freshest, locally bought ingredients.”
At least one state official supported Mr. Makesh’s claim. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Ms. Georgia Polyn of the Bergen County Board of Health confirmed that the Godfather’s restaurant in question has “a clean bill of health” as far as her department is concerned, but added that her office has received an increasing number complaints from people claiming food they were served in restaurants throughout the county has made them ill ever since the state launched a pilot program under which food distributors ‘self-regulate’ themselves, including ‘self-inspecting’ their own merchandise.
“It was a cost saving measure adopted recently by the state legislature after Congress reduced funding for FDA inspectors. The Governor signed it over the summer,” Ms. Polyn explained.
When reached for comment, a spokesman for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “I can assure the dining public that New Jersey is among the safest places in the world to eat pizza. The Governor takes this issue very seriously. While he firmly believes in cutting job-killing government regulations, he also takes pride in New Jersey’s pizza industry. To that end, he personally consumes at least one or two Jersey made pizzas every day to help ensure that only the highest standards of quality are maintained.”
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