Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave

[progressoid]

EARTH—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has "just about run out of ways" to let its roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave.

Following a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—the Earth said its options for strongly implying that it no longer wants human beings living on it have basically been exhausted.

"At this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly," the Earth's statement to all of humanity read in part. "I haven't exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling vortices of death. Honestly, what more is it going to take for you people to get the message?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" the statement continued. "Get the fuck out of here. I want you to leave now."


More:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/planet-earth-doesnt-know-how-to-make-it-any-cleare,20639/

:)

[Mojeoux]

1. Nope, She wants us to stop messing up her beautiful resources

My Mamma Nature loves me. She doesn't want people gone, she just is reacting to the industrialization assaults to her body-globe.
It is an "inconvenient truth." And getting more "inconvenient" every day.

[Warren DeMontague]

2. If the planet really "wanted" to get rid of us, it could do so pretty easily.

Set off a whole shitload of volcanoes simultaneously, hell, blow the Yellowstone Caldera while at it.

There are extinctions in the geologic record that make humanity's current twiddling with the climate seem exceedingly minor. We're powerful enough to influence the climate, to be sure, but believing that we're the worst thing to hit this planet is just another form of anthropocentric egotism. We're not even close.

[amborin]

4. we're the worst thing to hit every other species, however

[Warren DeMontague]

6. That's ridiculous.

Something like 96% of all marine based species died in the Permian-Triassic extinction event. 70% of all terrestrial vertebrate species. And that's not even the one that involved a mile-wide asteroid smashing into the Yucatan.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Permian%E2%80%93Triassic_extinction_event

To call us "the worst thing" indicates a lack of understanding of the planet's history and is just a gross overestimation of both our impact and our capabilities.

[amborin]

7. disagree

yes, these catastropic events occurred; no one's denying their impact;

my point is: since humans arrived---very, very recently----humans are exerting devastating effects on all other species;

overwhelming evidence supports this

[Warren DeMontague]

8. Yes, we are certainly causing our own extinction event

and since it's in process, the full extent is still not determined.

but "the planet" has seen much, much, much worse than us.

[amborin]

9. yes;

phew, i'm glad you agree we're in the middle of an extinction
event that's largely of our making; but totally agree that the "planet" is and will
be fine; it will be fine long after humans are gone, as home to marvelous new
species that humans will never see or have the chance to extirpate

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

3. Next thing we know

The Earth will have hired Blackwater to kick us out of our homes.

[Myrina]

5. My Sustainable Development prof was an old hippie ...

... and he used to say that Mama Gaia was a living being and that once she tired of us abusing her, she would give a big shake - like a dog shaking off fleas - and be done with us.

That was 20 years ago. I am sad to say, in retrospect, I do believe he was right: she is tiring of our selfish and irresponsible behavior.