Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups

[Donnachaidh]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-down-to-last-hundred-grownups,20491/

SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation's population of mature adults has been pushed to the brink of extinction, with only 104 grown-ups remaining in the country today.

The endangered demographic, which is projected to die out completely by 2060, is reportedly distinguished from other groups by numerous unique traits, including foresight, rationality, understanding of how to obtain and pay for a mortgage, personal responsibility, and the ability to enter a store without immediately purchasing whatever items they see and desire.

"Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously believed," said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. "Unfortunately, we've only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this group's unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves."

"If nothing is done, these wondrous individuals, with their special ability to consider the long-term consequences of their own behavior and act accordingly, will be wiped-out completely," Groves added.

More at the link --

[WatsonT]

1. I thought the onion just stuck to parody?

[raccoon]

4. Ditto. Every day, it seems, I am more and more aware of the number of dumbasses out there. nt

[niyad]

7. I think it was tom lehrer who said he was giving up political satire when kissinger was given the

nobel peace prize

[EFerrari]

2. Keeper!

[azul]

3. "Child scientists break barrier to adulthood with finding."

UCSC psychologists have made a startling discovery regarding hypnotic power.

"We noticed that when we wave dollars in front of people, that they refuse to act responsibly. Seems every one tested has a price."

jk

[Divernan]

5. Confronting reality instead of denial, finger pointing or cowering in fear.

"It may seem odd to the rest of us, but for mature adults, occasionally putting the greater good ahead of their own interests or remaining calm when something doesn't go their way is commonplace."

[blondeatlast]

6. Why, that's just downright anti-American! nt