• New reality show! "Bristol Palin Prepares to Enter Rehab Sometime in Late 2012 or Possibly Early 2013 Depending on Proximity to Charlie Sheen" (working title) is officially set to debut, of all places, on the Biography Channel. I am not making most of this up.
"We wanted a show that was both childishly surreal, deeply insulting to anyone with a functioning cerebellum and yet somehow impossible to ignore, like poison ivy eating away at your big toe," Bio programming director Laura Hayes Kilpatrick did not say, after slamming down a half dozen shots of Stoli Stasberi, kicking three of her six cats off her lumpy futon and sighing emptily into the void that is her life. "Look, did you even know Bio existed before reading this item? No you did not," she did not add, her left eye twitching strangely. "God, I need a Xanax."
• Florida's long, noble tradition of showing too much butt crack and then having sex with unsuspecting animals is finally over. Gov. Rick "Who?" Scott is expected to sign two new bills outlawing both righteous practices, because apparently rampant bestiality and teens who wear slouchy, underwear-revealing jeans 'round their knees in a don't-you-dare-suggest totally homoerotic fantasy homage to some sort of inmate thug lifestyle have become epidemic in creepier parts of the sunshine state where people own too many goats and like to tattoo their necks. Which is to say, most of them.
• Assuming all the forces of bleeding wrongness in the universe have aligned and Moloch has signed off on the proper paperwork, the news should be out by now: Newt Gingrich is running for president in 2012. ...
(Full URL:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2011/05/11/notes051111.DTL&nl=fix)
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