American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways

[woo me with science]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/american-public-actually-kind-of-endearing-in-some,18277/

American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways
October 18, 2010 | ISSUE 46•42

ALBUQUERQUE, NM

.....

"Our initial data showed that Americans are impulsive and tend toward willful ignorance—findings that are consistent with past research," said Professor Spencer Dixon, who led the study on U.S. culture and society. "But what we were surprised and, honestly, a little delighted to find is that Americans' short attention spans, simplemindedness, and inability to articulate a coherent idea can actually make them pretty lovable."

...

Anthropologist Loren Martinez, who analyzed the eating habits of Americans, said she was dismayed by early evidence suggesting the study's participants completely avoided food with any nutritional value, but was quickly won over after witnessing their enthusiasm for cookies.

...

According to field data, individual Americans also possess a winning ability to ignore the problems plaguing the nation and content themselves with sitting down in front of a television and drinking an entire six-pack of Coors Light while watching people dance.

....

"Sure they were loud and obnoxious and pathetic, but they were basically harmless, and we kind of liked having them around," he said. "Even when they smashed our lab equipment you couldn't really stay mad at them for long. I mean, c'mon, look at them. The way they waddle around in their little fat pants?" Anderson added. "Tell me that's not adorable."

The study's conclusions contradict a 2004 University of Massachusetts survey that found Americans were selfish, intolerant assholes who should eat shit and die.