Funny Falwell Farce

[Madspirit]

From Something Awful:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/falwell-memorial-quotes.php?page=1

Falwell on Marriage & Family

"There is nothing so beautiful as a married man and a married woman completely ignoring the eight children they are relying on the government to support." - Carved into a piece of driftwood while vacationing in Florida. (1990)

"Adoption should be a thing between a man, a woman, and an Eastern European or Chinese baby broker." - Screamed at a baby riding a pony. (1994)

"I have two wives. I have been married to one wife, Jesus Christ, for going on 70 years now. We make love every day, tenderly and prayerfully. Wait, that sounds creepy, can you just put, 'The only love I need is my love for Jesus Christ?'" - During an interview with Highlights for Kids. (2002)

"If I had to marry again I think I would like to marry a woman large enough to carry me in a papoose. Do they have those women? Like a nine or ten footer?" - Posted in the comments for an article about network security on Digg. (2006)



Falwell on Women's Rights

"Women are one of God's most beautiful and magnificent creations. They are superior to every animal in the Kingdom of God. For example, when was the last time you witnessed a horse administer douche to itself? Once per decade, at the most." - Opening comments at Iowa's AgriFest. (1977)

"I fully support a woman's right to choose…which pie she gonna make me in the kitchen. He he, you see what I done there? Awwww yeah!" - Said to his wife at the dinner table. (1984)

"The Muslims oppress their women. They demand they hide meekly in their homes and conceal the bodies that God gave them beneath restrictive garments. The garments we allow show nearly 20% more of the woman's body, making our religion 20% better!" - Answer to a story problem on a math quiz. (1991)

"The media constantly exploits and demeans women for their sexuality. I prefer that we try to find a way to harness their sexuality for industrial purposes. Possibly some sort of camel toe or under boob based electricity." - Transmitted via telegraph to a receiving station in England. (2002)



Falwell on Homosexuality

"One of the goals of the Bible Research Institute in the coming decade will be to develop a device or detector that can identify homosexuals. From there it's just a matter of projecting the right sort of energy stream to throw the demon out of their body and capture it in one of these containment devices we call 'gay traps'." - Shouted out the window of his car at a car wash girl. (1980)

"I'm still working out what this 'gay' stuff is, but I think I might have just figured it out today." - Commented to assistant as they left a performance of the Blue Man Group. (2000)

"This is the manifestation of God's wrath. It is a reaction to the spread of amoral secularism and degenerate homosexuality. America had this coming." - After stubbing his toe in the kitchen of his home. (2002)

"I cannot make this any more clear: I do not wish suffering or death on any homosexual. Wait, is Tom Cruise a homosexual? Not officially? Well, then I do not officially wish suffering or death on any homosexual." - Overheard aboard a helicopter. (2003)

Jerry Falwell, legend, uniter, champion of the underdogs; you will be missed. From the heart of every American, I offer our prayers.


To read it all follow the link at top of page...Lee


__________________________________
If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
Buffy
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[Madspirit]

1. self-kicking...n/t

[juajen]

2. These were funny!

:kick:

[pretzel4gore]

3. Jerry was human....he 'sinned'

on Ron Reagan's talk show (1991) Jerry was a guest along with 2 others beside Ron the host-i believe it was James Caan(?) or James Ferrantino(?)...it was long ago, on midnight, and it was wonderful tv. Reagan used his dad's reactionary repute to point out it is liberalism, and union activism, civil liberty for all and voting rights which really made the US rich. On that particular show, Jerry Falwell was his usual 'sex is bad' self, when, out of blue, Ron asked him, regards sex, whether Jerry ever masturbated....a still silence as Jerry wrestled with the question, before he tried to dodge it as he usually is allowed to, but not that show! Reagan returned to the question, and backed by other guests (all three volunterred that they 'dated 5 finger rosie' on occasion, blocking an excape for mr falwell)....finally, after a ridiculous attempt to dodge the question (and being too honest to just deny it) Falwell admitted he indeed masturbated (Unlike some of US at DU, who are above such visceral indignity!)
It was hilarious to see the Reverend Falwell admit that private temptation sometimes overcame publicised virtue. Too bad the show has disappeared into the memory hole:(
(as a 'same sex' relationship, masturbation refutes homophobi-ites; and as Jerry admitted he did it, he (and anyone who denounces homosexuality) needs to answer the question: 'do you masturbate?' cuz they either do it, or they are liars....