Thoughts from Another Second Class Citizen on the Edge

[oxymoron]

I am a 55 year old, gay man, and have been on DU for many years, including a couple of stints as a mod. I don’t post much anymore as I am not much of a writer, but I am a major lurker here every day.

I knew I was different by about 6 years of age. My family is very strict Mormon. I am a direct descendant of one of the founders of the Mormon Church. As the oldest son, I was expected to go on a mission, and of course marry and start a large family. By 12 I knew that scenario certainly wasn’t going to happen. I refused to go to church starting at age 15, causing huge problems at home. I considered suicide often and at 16 made a couple of very serious attempts. I was one of those at risk gay kids that could have benefited tremendously from some sort of community support.

Those were also the days before any anti bullying policies in schools. I spent my school years being called a faggot, etc, and being severely physically and emotionally abused – after which, I would go home to a hostile environment. When I finally reached 18, I came out to my family and left the house. My family and some friends didn’t speak to me for many years, and we still don’t have a relationship. This is a common story for many of my gay brothers and sisters.

I had a little talent and was very active in theater and music. Actually, I was quite successful at it for quite a while and was able to make a consistent living. I met a beautiful boy and fell in love. We would go out together, entertain, and developed a wide circle of close friends. Of course, at that time the gay bars were still underground in our town, and the police harassment was always there. We were very politically active and worked hard for gay rights and the Democratic Party. My first partner really was the love of my life, and we were together for 12 years. It was wonderful to finally be so fully accepted by the community, and loved unconditionally by such a warm, funny, talented man. We would have married had our country allowed it.

Then came AIDS. I literally spent the next decade assisting my friends, loved ones, and acquaintances get limited social services and eventually helping them die. I can’t tell you how many times I stood at a bedside, holding hands with another friend and watching the life fade from their eyes. I lost most of my close friends and my beloved partner. My heart still aches for all the beautiful, talented men that were lost in that holocaust. I still see the oddly sweet smiles on those gaunt faces. I am negative and can’t help but wonder why I am still here without them. My blood still boils in anger that the then President of my country was never even able to even utter the word AIDS. To this day, I don’t utter that asshole’s name.

I had one more 9-year relationship with a wonderful man. He was a high-profile professional and closeted. We are still very close, but the pressure of his fear of being identified as gay was too much for our relationship.

These days I am just fucking tired. I am currently working at what is considered a good job at a very conservative company. I am tired of being patronized by religious zealots at work. I am tired of being passed over for promotions and jobs even though I have a spotless record and excellent performance reviews.

I was diagnosed with major depression last week and I feel I don’t have many options. My doctor wants me to take some time off work, but I am scared to death of the ramifications. I can’t afford to lose my job and be without health care at my age. Not a big demand for 55-year-old gay men in this marketplace. After working all these years, I feel that I can’t afford to get the help I need. I have a few days of vacation left that I am taking, but my doc wants me to take several weeks. I am looking into a medical leave, but there still is the stigma and financial ramifications to deal with.

I live in the richest country in the world that has decided that wars and corporations are more important than us common folk. My country has decided that I am not covered by civil rights afforded other Americans. I worked hard for this President, but the lip service regarding my civil rights is beyond old.

Thanks for indulging me in this little free association exercise. It helps to write some of this down.

Just some thoughts from another second class citizen on the edge.

Oxy

[HillbillyBob]

1. Hugs, I understand.

My partner and I moved to the country after years of watching just about everyone I know die. I went to 15 funerals in one month in 95. I can't bear to go to another funeral. We had a number of reasons for getting out of SoFla. We don't really know anyone where we live now, but the next door(only house we can see from here) are great folks. Its almost like living in the fictitious Mayberry.
I still have to drive almost 50 miles to see hiv dr as there are none in the county, but we can afford to live here. I have been out for years, and nice as everyone is here, I still am not out locally as to my hiv status.

[oxymoron]

15. Hugs, HBB

It's nice to know someone understands those dark days. How is your health? Numbers good?

[Cleita]

2. You write quite well.

This had me in tears. I hope you get the support you need in your immediate community and on the job.

[oxymoron]

16. Thanks you, Cleita

I have always enjoyed your voice on DU.

[NMMNG]

3. I wish I had some uplifting words for you

But I'm plain tired of it all too. :hug:

[oxymoron]

17. Thanks, NM

I'm right there with you.

[monmouth]

4. What a beautiful post. Hugs to you....n/t

[oxymoron]

19. Thank you, monmouth

:pals:

[BeeBee]

5. Thank you for sharing. n/t

[Booster]

6. My good friend, Honey Ward, runs a workshop

called The Experience. She has had really great success in helping people in situations like yours. I hope you don't mind, but I emailed her your post so if you're contacted by Honey, please don't discard what she has to offer. Here is the website just in case you want to take a look:
http://www.experienceyourpower.com/

[TheKentuckian]

7. You should certainly give yourself more credit. You've got a voice and something to say

I know it is fucking awful and it is easy to feel worn completely out but all I know is to try to stay up and advise you to do the same.

I also encourage you to put aside any worry about talent and share your thoughts as it may help you to digest and cope.

[oxymoron]

18. Thanks, TK

Yeah, I have always kind of prided myself on being able to pull myself out of it. Just can't seem to shake it this time. I really appreciate your encouragement.

[Romulox]

8. Thank you for sharing your story.

If it's any consolation, it was quite moving to read.

"I lost most of my close friends and my beloved partner"

My god. I cannot imagine how that must still hurt, to this day... :cry:

[whathehell]

9. Dear Oxy..I'm a former sufferer of major depression and I read your letter with tears in my eyes....

PLEASE take the doctor's advice and treat the depression..Depression is called the "common cold" of mental illnesses, and even though it feels like hell, It's easily treated...but you MUST get the treatment.

For similar reasons, I too, OFTEN feel like a "second class person" and felt a LOT like you do now when I suffered my Major Depression some years ago.

Now?...I'm a different person who looks forward to life everyday..You will too..I promise.:hug:

[Stuart G]

21. I agree with whathehell.......please get treatment, and

don't give up. Depression sucks, but it is easily treated... been there.

Good Luck..hang in there..it is worth it..

[oxymoron]

25. Thanks, man

[oxymoron]

23. Thanks, WTH

Yes, I am being treated. I am working to see what might be available to me. Thank you for the wise advice.

[whathehell]

58. You're very welcome, Oxy.

[tavalon]

66. As well, the brain can reset itself to a continuous level of depression

if it's exposed too long or too often to the depression. I'm a lifer on meds and while I occasionally wish I didn't need to take them, I prefer having a life and joy and all the other emotions rather than the debilitation that is depression. There are still many silly little creatures out there who think depression is like "feeling a little down" and "having a tough day" and on and on and on...... When I'm in a pretty good head space, I can just raise my eyebrows and think "may you, who have no clue, never experience true depression." During my dips (which still happen but with less ferocity and length) I'm not nearly as charitable.

[dencol]

80. I'm gay and took FMLA.

In our office, taking FMLA was common, even for management folks because it was too stressful. I was also afraid of the stigma, but finally gave in after almost killing myself and ending up in the hospital. They may fire you for being gay, but if they get you for FMLA you will at least have some protections. As I found out, major depression isn't something to dismiss and that probably needs time off to deal with - meds just made my symptoms and suicidal thoughts worse! I guess my point is that you know your situation best, but seriously consider the FMLA!

[Warpy]

10. Have you run the numbers?

Could you manage to survive on the edge if you had no job until you could collect social security? When my dad hit his age 55 expiration date after consistently winning award after award from the corporate world, he ran the numbers, threw the golf clubs into the closet, and said to hell with the whole business. Those golf clubs were still there 34 years later when he died. He and my mother didn't live well for those 7 years, but they did live.

I know the feeling of clinging by your fingernails to a job you know to be under threat, either because you're sick and getting sicker or because the 30 year olds with the actuarial tables that say a green kid right out of school is more cost effective are gunning for your job.

It's a depressing proposition even when you haven't had to bury so many of your friends and lovers because your government at the time thought a terrible disease was "killing all the right people."

Offhand, I'd tell you to run those numbers and take a month leave of absence so that you and your doctors can do a trial of medication to see how well you'll respond to it. It might take several different tries, but don't lose hope. There is help out there.

You are valuable. You are more than your job, and you are already a survivor. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[Subdivisions]

11. K&R. n/t

[oxymoron]

29. Thanks, Warpy

Not a lot of numbers to be run. My income hasn't increased in years in real money. Pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, although I don't have a lot of debt. Just nowhere near being able to retire. I am looking into a medical leave, but that would be about my only option.

[Tansy_Gold]

84. I agree with Warpy, and here's a thought.

If you can at least take a few days off, long enough for a four- or five-day week-end, sit down with "the numbers" and set up a scenario of what would happen if you suddenly lost your job. What would you do? A friend you could move in with, or take in as a roommate? Skills you can turn into $$ -- and that OP was beautifully written -- or swap for necessities?

Work out that scenario, then see if it's applicable now to the real world. Maybe it won't be, but if even parts of it are, work on making those the goals.



TG, NTY

[RoseMead]

12. I wish I could help you

I'm sorry for the awful losses you've endured. You are definitely not alone. :hug:

You should do what you think is best for yourself, but whatever you decide to do, please try to get treatment for your depression, however you can manage it. I say this as a person who has suffered depressive episodes my entire life. If you let depression go and it gets bad enough, you could end up unable to function in the job you tried to keep, and you could end up unable to function in the rest of your life, as well.

[oxymoron]

30. Good advice.

Yes, I was rapidly getting to the point where I couldn't concentrate at work, which is very unusual for me. That is actually why I went into the Doc.

[RoseMead]

89. I lost the better part of my 20s to depression

Including my teaching career - I couldn't cope with the depression *and* endless substitute teaching with no permanent job in sight. If I'd sought treatment sooner, I might have been able to continue teaching, instead of ending up going even crazier working in call center after call center.

I wish you all the best, and you'll be in my thoughts.

[me b zola]

13. .

:grouphug:

[lunatica]

14. Treat your depression and everything else will improve because of it

Get to the root problem because until you do you won't feel right no matter what you do. For all you know when you're feeling better you might find there's a fire in you for something important. But without treatment you won't find that fire.

You write quite well.

[madfloridian]

20. Very moving post, and thank you for sharing.

This should not be happening in our country.

[demigoddess]

22. I'm not gay ,but hope I can jump in

I take care of my 38 year old daughter born with birth defects and have lost many relatives through death and the fact they don't want to see my daughter. Zoloft has been a big help with my depression, and the computer. No one can live through a life full of challenge and hardships without some effect. Learn what helps you. And remember there are more people out here who do not hate you than those who do.

[CreekDog]

24. It's just wrong...and what's worse is how churches have dedicated themselves to making you miserable

what jerks.

WWJD indeed. :eyes:

[H2O Man]

26. "not much of a writer"

I think that you have a gift for communicating. This is a poweful OP. I've definitely "recommended" it.

This country has long failed to live up to its promise. In the past decade, things seem to be spinning out of control. I'm not sure what the answer is -- for the problems that you, me, and everyone else here faces. But it is good to have a place where we can put our minds together, and try to find the right path.

Thank you for this OP.

[Hello_Kitty]

27. I agree. That was some great writing. Very moving. eom

[calimary]

104. Thank you, both of you!

Actually, there are so many people on this board to thank for some wonderful and inspiring and moving writing.

As you just said, H2O Man: "it is good to have a place where we can put our minds together, and try to find the right path."

[Angry Dragon]

28. What is wrong with your writting??

You wrote what you felt and the words carried your feelings to others in a way that touched them. One can not ask for more than that.

It is good that you are seeing someone for your depression

[madmax]

31. I don't know what to say.

Your post touched me and brought back feelings of helplessness, pain and anger at he whose name shall not be mentioned.

I worked for a major airline during the 80's when so many of my friends and fellow employees were being decimated by AIDS - before it was given the name. So many young, talented, loving men - gone too soon. The fear and stigma my friends endured was heartbreaking.

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with major depression. Twenty years ago I was there. Help came from the most unlikely source and I'm grateful that there was someone who cared.

You are not a second class citizen - you are loved and your pain is our pain. Be kind to yourself. Everyone who has read your post cares about you and we want you to be well again.

In solidarity :hug:

[Steely_Dan]

32. Oxy...Your Story Has Moved Me

I am trying to understand what it must be like to face the issues you have faced as a gay man. I recall arguing with one of my RW religious relatives a few months back. After considerable debate over the issue of whether being gay is a "lifestyle" or not I asked him what person would "choose" to be isolated and marginalized? Who would choose a "lifestyle" that would bring such hatred and bigotry to their lives? My logic seemed to baffle my relative and we have not spoken on the subject since.

I can't even imagine the kind of pain you have had to face. I am so sorry that you lost so many close friends.

I too have suffered from a couple of bouts of depression. The thing about depression (at least for me) is that the overwhelming sense of hopelessness is not understood by others. No matter what your friends and relatives tell you...you know, it will be okay...cheer up, etc. etc. None of that matters. It is impossible for them to understand the sense of loneliness and despair.

Oxy, as much as you cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that there is nothing anyone can say to turn your feelings of depression around, I assure you, this will pass. We know so much more about these things than we used to. I am roughly your age and I can recall the reactions of other when I would try and explain what a panic attack was or what depression really is.

Have faith my friend. Let time pass. Listen to your doctors. Nothing....I mean nothing is more important than your health. And this includes your mental health.

My thoughts are with you.

-PLA

[tavalon]

67. Yeah, it's a weird club to be in

Only those who have looked over the abyss and faced the dark night of the soul and all of those other poetic metaphors for the demented hell that is depression can know what it's like.

[PufPuf23]

33. You are American hero of the truest kind (and

communicate smooth in your writing.

I am a 2nd class citizen for different reasons and worked hard and too idealistic and enter older age with health and financial security uncertain = on the edge now.

I see bright sparks in many individuals but American society and trajectory of history makes me so sad from when I was a child.

Best to you.

[david13]

34. Stay with it. Hang tough. Don't let them get you down. You have

to stand up for yourself.
Of course this is a depressing world we live in, but it's always been that way. Just look at the good side of it, the bright side. And be thankful for every additional day you get.
As I get older, I cherish each day more and more. Any one could be my last.
dc

[AnotherDreamWeaver]

35. I too watched many friends pass...

and am lucky to be negative. Glad you have decided to get help. While you are trying to decide what to do with the rest of your life, try reading "The Man who Fell in Love with the Moon" by Tom Spanbauer. It was a read that played greatly on my heart strings. Tom's "The City of Shy Hunters" is another good read. (both are gay oriented stories about love.)

Many Blessings your way Brother,
ADW

[bertman]

36. The saddest part and the one that angers me most is that there are

millions more men and women like you who bear the same scars and burdens you bear just simply because of who they were born to be.

Your post is eloquent and powerful. I wish I knew how to help you through this terrible time, but I do not. All I can say is that many of us are trying every day to end this oppression.


U truly believe that some day we are going to reach an era of full equality for ALL Americans. I hope you are here to enjoy that day.


I hope this works out well for you, Oxy.


Rec.

[ruggerson]

37. recommended n/t

[pengillian101]

38. Please do not do anything drastic.

"I was diagnosed with major depression last week and I feel I don’t have many options. My doctor wants me to take some time off work, but I am scared to death of the ramifications. I can’t afford to lose my job and be without health care at my age. Not a big demand for 55-year-old gay men in this marketplace. After working all these years, I feel that I can’t afford to get the help I need. I have a few days of vacation left that I am taking, but my doc wants me to take several weeks. I am looking into a medical leave, but there still is the stigma and financial ramifications to deal with."

Your DU friends can pull you through this! Talk to us - privately - if need be. We are here for you; we are family :-)

[oxymoron]

40. Thanks, I didn't mean to imply that I would do anything rash.

I just need some time off to get over this. I just don't know how I can pull that off. Thanks for the concern and kind thoughts.

[pengillian101]

47. OK and good then!

A good rest will see you you over to the other side, oxymoron.

I enjoy your posts!

JLO

[pgodbold]

39. Hugs... I'm 57 so as your elder! (lol) treatment for the depression is VERY inportant. Best to you.

[Plantaganet]

41. Dear Friend,

Thank you for your post. It touched my soul.

You are a beautiful, extraordinary, valuable person. If we were face to face I'd give you a hug, but this will have to do for now :hug:

You've already carried more than your fair share of the burden. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Rest and breathe and know that you are not alone.

[renate]

103. welcome to DU

What a warm and loving and compassionate post. (Can I ride your coattails and say that I feel the same way?--except I certainly couldn't have said it as beautifully.) I'm really glad you're here. :hug:

[AnArmyVeteran]

42. What a beautiful and heartfelt letter.

That was written so beautifully...

[Chipper Chat]

95. Dean/Grayson 2012

It's a thought.

[hay rick]

43. Eloquent post.

K&R, of course. I am sorry for the misery that you are currently enduring and I admire you for telling your story and I thank you for telling it honestly and well. Your efforts are valuable to others. Best wishes for better times.

[midnight]

44. I will have to agree with your instincts not to take off from work.

Don't over do it though. Such a shame that more emphasis is not put on pulling support together and ending this horrible discrimination.

[riderinthestorm]

45. This post doesn't just make me sad, it makes me infuriated!!

You should NEVER be in this position. Depression KILLS. If you were in France, you'd be on vacation already, soaking up some much needed Vitamin D (and meds) to try to alleviate the pain.

I am outraged we're still in this place in the US. It's madness.

I am so sorry Oxy (can't type the moron part). You need an intensive dose of hugs, vacation, drugs and therapy. I wish I had a million dollars to help.

Damn this pisses me off.

[mmonk]

46. You write fine by me.

Does your workplace have anyone you can confide in? Also, if your performance reviews are good, I suppose you could ask someone what would happen if you took medical leave and would it put an inconvenience on the company. It's always wise to take care of yourself. And write more.

[Overseas]

48. Thank you for your post. //nt

[Mimosa]

49. Oxymoron, WE and I are always here for you

Don't let the bad stuff get you down.

You have a job. Many people don't. You are loved. many people have no one. *hug*

[LAGC]

51. I second that, look at the bright side.

Depression is a serious affliction but there is hope. Get yourself some good anti-depressants and work your way through your issues.

Just keep in mind that there are always others worse off than you. What seems like hopelessness is actually good fortune. Count your blessings. Imagine, if you were born a straight male, chances are you could be a grumpy old conservative at this point in your life. Consider all that you have experienced and been able to witness from a minority point of view. You probably have a richer understanding of life than most people.

Don't give up!

[tavalon]

68. While we might want Oxy to look at the bright side

Depression doesn't allow for that. Making the decision to take another breath and the one after, that's more the speed someone in a severe depression can manage. It is certainly clear that he does have a richer understanding of life and that will help him get better a little quicker but depression is hell and it doesn't respond to platitudes. Luckily, big pharma has a plethora of imperfect little pills that will help in the short term. In the long term, exercise, putting oneself first, doing talk therapy, eating healthy and having a good support system can make all the difference. But most of those things are completely cut out during major depressive episodes because it's just too hard.

Oxy, we're here. Talk to us publicly or privately as much as you want. Be indulgent right now. You actually need that.

[rufus dog]

50. Outstanding post

Don't under estimate the impact you have.

As a straight white male I sometimes wonder why the hell do I try to reason with bigoted ignorant people. Heartfelt stories like yours give others, like me, the will to fight for what is right.

[Duppers]

87. same here.

Gay rights is one of my 3 big issues. Even though I'm straight, I shall fight for Oxy and folks like him and shall continue to try to reason with the bigots for as long as I live, even risking alienating family (I do not friend bigots).

[G_j]

52. at least , please don't blame yourself

there are many valid reasons to be depressed, just look around.
we are not imagining it!

[TygrBright]

53. Oxy, the "voice" in your post brought something back to me...

One of my dearest friends, for many years, was a gay man who started out as a colleague as a place I worked while in college. He met and committed to another very dear man and we were all close friends for many years. I was hearing his voice in my head while I was reading your post. Jerry was from a 7th-Day Adventist background, but had many similar experiences to yours in his youth. He was "politically active with a sense of humor" as he phrased it, and had an appreciation for the weirdness of life in general and as a gay man in a big midwestern city in that era particularly.

I still miss him. He and his partner both died of various HIV related illnesses. I still miss them both.

You've gotten a lot of encouragement from others here about getting your depression treated, and it's all good advice. As a fellow-sufferer, I have only one insight to offer: Once the treatment kicks in (and it may take awhile, be patient... sometimes they have to try a couple of different approaches to find one that will work for you) the world looks like a completely different (and way better!) place. Seriously. You can't tell when you're depressed, but when you stop being depressed you realize just how much the depression screws up your whole outlook. It's like being in a booth made of half-inch thick glass that is dirty and scratched. And then when the treatment starts working the booth goes away and you can smell the flowers and feel the breeze on your cheek and hear music clearly and the sun is bright and clean. It happens slowly but at some point you just realize, "damn, I'm not depressed anymore and what a difference!" Your problems don't go away but suddenly they slide into perspective as things you can deal with. So yeah, hang in there with the treatment.

Anyway. That said, it's worth keeping on keeping on for other reasons. I have no way of knowing whose lives you've touched in a very important, lasting, meaningful way, but I know there are some. One of my regrets is that Jerry was far away from me when he died and I never had a chance to really tell him one more time how very much his friendship was part of my life and always will be. If he had lived I know he would have made more lives rich also. Next week or next year, your life will touch someone's in a profound way, and you might not even know it.

encouragingly,
Bright

[tavalon]

69. As a lifer, I have certain things I watch to assess my brain space

If Mount Rainier with morning or evening light on it doesn't make me catch my breath, and if the other beauties this magnificent place I live don't also move me, I start looking at my other indicators. It kind of sucks to always be watching for the depression beast and yet, the depression beast is much worse, so I do it.

[EmeraldCityGrl]

54. I hate seeing another human being going through what you are

Obama's administration had better do something to end the human rights violations committed against
the LGBT community. If he (and I do hold him personally responsible) does not make these changes in
the next couple years, it will be a failure of his presidency and of historical importance.

I do not believe for a moment that Obama the man does not support DADT or other issues causing such
misery for so many. Opposing gay marriage is a convenient political position that only makes him look
like a hypocrite. This has got to end and it has to end NOW.

Take care of yourself. Make your weekends as peaceful as possible and take some comfort in knowing
there are many people, some you might not expect, supporting you.

[RainDog]

55. hugs to you

as others here have said - please tend to your health - others things will not seem so overwhelming when you have treatment for the depression.

it's so good that you're reaching out and sharing - don't isolate yourself when you already feel isolated in a conservative work culture. reach out to others in a safe environment.

no one here can or should advise you about what course of action you should take with medical treatment - obviously - you mention your company is conservative - but you're able to be out there, I assume. Talk with HR about your options for work in regard to treatment.

I came across a book a long time ago that has been useful to me from time to time. It's called Feeling Good, by David Burns. He was the guy who started the whole CBT area of treatment - cognitive behavioral therapy - and his book offers some simple questions to ask yourself to help you become aware of the thought processes that can become pervasive when you're depressed.

anyway, it might be one you'd like, too.

some recent work I've read lately also talks about the value of things like taking a yoga or tai chi class to help create "mindfulness" to deal with stress and help concentration - as well as the mental benefits of things like taking a walk.

I know when you're depressed, simply taking a walk can seem overwhelming - so maybe there's a group that you could join for yoga or walking that would make it more likely you'll engage in that activity.

just trying to pass along some things I know and often don't do as much as I should, even when I know the value of those things. but if they can benefit you, that would surely be an inspiration for me and others.

keep us posted.

DU is at its best when we pull together and not apart - on the personal level, at the least, even when it sometimes seems impossible on the political level.

[voteearlyvoteoften]

56. Good morning Oxy

Hope you have a better day today!

[Vinca]

57. This is a very difficult time in this country and many of us have been

fighting depression without the benefit of diagnosis. The day before yesterday I sat in the middle of my garden and sobbed for a good half hour. All we can do is look at the small picture and get through each day. Try to appreciate the small things and find a scrap of happiness in something, even with that overwhelming sadness just below the surface. It's got to get better because it feels like we've hit bottom.:hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

59. You are wonderful...

I send you hugs of support.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Jeffersons Ghost]

60. K&R

[glitch]

61. We need you.

Judging from your post you represent an island of sanity in this crazy world. Thank you for sharing and please hang in there. Not just for you but for us. :hug:

[emsimon33]

62. Yours is a story that should compel people to put aside their

narrow, ill-informed prejudices and accept everyone at the human level. If they would do so, it would be a much better world.

And then there is the betrayal of Obama... . Such a disappointment! I was on the stage directly behind him in Alexandria, Virginia, at the town hall meeting when he said that DADT and gay rights were an issue of equality. I guess we know when Obama is lying because his lips are moving!

[blueworld]

63. Hugs & healing, Oxy.

I typed out 2 messages trying to say something warm & helpful, but I'm a little older than you are & the only things I could think of sounded trite & pathetic. I'm glad you're getting treatment because depression can be so destructive. Keep us up to date on your progress. We all care.

[bongbong]

64. Natural remedies

Be careful taking prescription anti-depressants if you get to that stage. They have side effects including depression! But they also are very hard to get off of; it seems like your body "adjusts" to them and even if they help you out, you are stuck with them pretty much for the rest of your life (as I understand it; I'm NOT A DOCTOR!)

There are natural anti-depressants. You can investigate them on the Net. Some are not all they are cracked up to be, so investigate thoroughly before using any. They may not cure you 100%, but they might make an incremental improvement.

Good luck!

[Wednesdays]

86. St. John's Wort

St. John's Wort is the one I have heard most about, and indeed it helped lift my spirits the couple of times I took it. However, YMMV.

Best to check with a doctor before taking anything new, anyway.

We're pulling for ya, Oxy! :hi:

[tavalon]

65. Wow, you could have written this on a dozen journal or blog sites, but you picked us

Wow, thank you. You are amazing in your free association exercise. You moved me to so many emotions in a very short time. I am so glad you had such a love and I am angry, though probably with less right than you, that AIDS ever showed up in the gay community. I hate AIDS more than most diseases because it was so targeted at gays early on and was used by the right but not righteous as a way to hurt gay people. And because of the dear man I took care of as a home health nurse. I have a face just as you have many faces to remember from that awful disease.

I'm amazed you waited until 55 to hit this wall. Your life, while rich and nuanced and in many ways beautiful is also so tragic. I feel sad that you've been through all of this.

On a practical note, if this is a big company, I believe they are required to give you FMLA for 6 weeks without risking your job (and I don't think you have to disclose what the issue is). But the COBRA is a bitch.

[snot]

70. Just want to add my empathy.

Life is so tough sometimes; it can just wear a person out. And we're living in unusually challenging times.

You've done so much good, and I know you'll do much more, if you can just hang in there somehow.

[ColesCountyDem]

71. Classy, not 'second class' at all.

It can be hard to make yourself do, but please don't overlook your local public mental-health services; just because they're free or inexpensive doesn't mean that they don't do good work. They are underfunded, usually, yet they manage to do some fantastic work. They and our public-health nurses are the unsung heroes in the war to deliver quality health care to the peoiple who need it, regardless of their ability to pay.

Chin up! It WILL get better!

:hug::hi: :loveya:

[Ignis]

72. I hope you can get the medical leave you need.

And I'm embarrassed as a US citizen that you're still having to fight tooth-and-nail for equality. What a crappy way to treat our brothers and sisters, after decades of your votes and patience. :(

[laughingliberal]

73. Utterly Excellent! And a tragedy people still have to endure this. nt

[John Q. Citizen]

74. "..not much of a writer," says oxymoron. That was beautifully written.

[bobbolink]

75. You have expressed the situation very well, and it covers more than you know.

I haven't had your exact same experience, but I do know what you are saying from first-hand experience.

I see homeless people trying to "pass" because of the stereotypes and bigotry. I see homeless people beaten and murdered for being homeless. I see them losing limbs from frostbite, and ill from having no home.

I see NO MENTION of homelessness from this administration, let alone any real action on it.

Tired? Yes, indeed. And for the same reasons.

Those of us on the bottom of the ladder are all linked. What is happening to us, whether we are gay, poor, ethnic minority, or any of the other causes, is all similar in cause and result.

What makes me really angry is that what is done to us is done to us as a GROUP, and is done to us systematically, yet it seen as an INDIVIDUAL problem, and we are not only supposed to deal with it individually, but to take drugs to combat the results of bigotry.

That is so incredibly wrong!

What will cure your depression, and the depression of my Indian friends, my homeless friends, etc., is JUSTICE!

[laughingliberal]

97. +1 nt

[bobbolink]

98. We truly are all in this together, and it won't get better until we start acting on that.

[laughingliberal]

99. People who have not been through it have no idea how fast 'it' can happen. nt

[bobbolink]

105. "They" don't want to know, including "progressives". In the "Us-Them" paradigm they

find safety.

I just got told, once again, that it is peoples' own fault for not having health care, for not having a place to live, etc. The only thing that will cure that kind of blame is experiencing it for themselves, or in their close family.

However, that is one portion of the population. I still believe there are many who haven't experienced "it" and won't, but whose hearts are more open, and willing to understand if we give them the facts, information, and the pain of reality.

The fact is that we haven't really tried it.

[laughingliberal]

107. Agree 100% with all your points here. eom

[WilliamPitt]

76. Not much of a writer?

I beg to differ.

:hug:

[Politicub]

77. Was on vacation in Canada last week -- felt good to have my marriage recognized

As soon as we set foot in Canada, I turned to my husband and said that they recognize our union here. And then I started thinking of how we're treated as second class citizens here in the US.

I didn't want to leave, and it saddened me that our love is controversial and can be subject to the majority's whims within my home country.

"Land of the free" doesn't apply to LGBT Americans.

[mdmc]

78. It is very hard to access affordable medical coverage, even if fully insured

sad state my friend..

[nyc 4 Biden]

79. ...

:hug:

[Joanne98]

81. Hang in there Oxy!

:hug:

Just keep picturing how good you're going to feel when we kick conservative butt again this year!

:fistbump:

[ceile]

82. Wonderfully written....

Please take your doc's advice. Check into FMLA with your HR dept. You'll be happy you did.

[archiemo]

83. Wonderfully written post, Oxy. I hope you are soon lifted up even if it's just a little.

My heart goes out to you and your life experiences. I'm so glad you were able to have a loving relationship with the love of your life. I'm also sorry for the tremendous loss you've experienced personally and witnessed through your gracious companionship.

[earth mom]

85. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry about what you're going through.

Stories like yours are what keep me coming back to DU and fighting the many injustices of this country we live in even when I often feel like giving up.

We're all in this together. :grouphug:

[Scottybeamer70]

88. "HUGS" Oxy

Your writing surely touched me more than I can say! As a 70 year old gay man, I can relate to
almost everything you wrote. I lost my partner of 27 years because he got involved in drugs......I
couldn't take it.......that's been almost 10 years ago.....I have no immediate family left and depend
entirely on what little social security I receive. Depression is a tough thing to fight, but I know
you will succeed............you're much too intelligent and thoughtful to let it get you down.
Keep fighting...........feel free to email me at anytime...........goodness knows I have all the
time in the world.............Know that I care!

[Duppers]

90. more hugs

You're an amazing person who does indeed write well.

You are full of compassion and, I believe, have more strength than you fully know. My only advice is to risk a break because you are tired and how can you recover w/o one?

Also, I believe in meds--they helped me yrs ago climb out of a dark, paralyzing hole.

I wish I could hug you in person. Keep us posted, for there are folks here who REALLY care.

:hug:

[Pharaoh]

91. Holdin space for ya Oxy.........

Your life has been a tough row to hoe,

O8)

[gauguin57]

92. Sending you positive energy, and hope for better days. Here at DU, you'll always be FIRST CLASS!

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Barack2theFuture]

93. The free market has spoken

and we don't count.

I wish you health and happiness.

Try to find the things you love or used to love and focus on them as much as you can, even if the old feeling isn't there.

[Enthusiast]

94. K&R. I look forward to

the day when all U.S. citizens are treated with equality and respect.

[DesertFlower]

96. you've got a lot of friends here.

:grouphug:

[political_Dem]

100. I wish you the best. I hope that you get the help and care you need.

Depression is quite serious to deal with. Take care of yourself. Spoil yourself well. Surround yourself with loved ones in your circle who care. And always cut yourself some slack. Never beat yourself up.

Most of all, remember that all of us are pulling for you. You are never alone .

:hug:

[Withywindle]

101. You're first class to me.

:hug:

You are a HELL of a writer, don't sell yourself short. But that's what depression does to people - it makes us sell ourselves short. And this godawful society we live in, that no longer even PRETENDS to give a shit about the overwhelming majority of people who are "second class" in some way. The economy, the homophobia, the classism, the racism, the sexism, the ageism...are all interconnected and they really feed into that sense that we can never relax, never feel safe, never ever feel that just BEING is good enough, because our very survival is in no way assured.

I definitely think you should get medical help--depression's a brain disease. Would you feel shame about getting help if your problem was, say, diabetes? No, you wouldn't. Brain diseases should be no different.

I also recommend reading "Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America" by Barbara Ehrenreich. It's an eloquent and well-researched book about how the idea of "American optimism" (which I would love to be able to embrace) has been used as a club against dissent and a denial of very real struggles. It made me feel less alone; it might for you too.

Again, :hug: I am so sorry for all your losses.

[FedUpWithIt All]

102. Beautiful post.

:hug:

I'm sorry you've seen so much struggle.

[activa8tr]

106. Just adding my own hug to a very deserving guy. Hope things get better for you

soon. You might want to consult another shrink about out-patient options for treating your depression, where you could still work and
feel better with some time, maybe two half days a week away from work for a few weeks.

Many people continue to work while dealing with a major depression, just as they do with going to the dentist, etc.

[roguevalley]

108. and mine, darling. do take care. you are loved.

[CrownPrinceBandar]

109. Vibes heading your way, Oxy...

Hang in there friend.