Advice, please -- my 14 y/o has tried smoking pot and I just found out --

[elehhhhna]

accidentally, of course. She's told me the who, where, etc. Very sorry, hugely humiliated (got busted by my 60 year old aunt when the aunt got a text that was not meant for her.) My daughter wasn't aware of the potential penalties, etc. The kids who are involved she doesn't see often and won't be around in the future, for sure, but I'm not sure how to proceed here. My kid is an A student who loves school & says she did it b/c it was there being passsed around and she's "bored". Summer is boring for her- fine - but we can't, at this time, afford to put her in a martial arts program, etc., which she'd like like to do.

She's out of state until Sat. I plan on taking her phone away when she gets home...not sure for how long. I'll discuss all this w/ my husband when they get back home this weekend -- no point in freaking him out and he will probably flip so better to wait until we're face to face & can spend some time talking about it.

Do I tell the other girl's Mom(I don't know this woman)? Will this get my daughter beaten up?

I'm not totally freaking out -- but any advice would be helpful.

[sufrommich]

1. It's a hard decision to make, although taking away her

phone is a good punishment.I would tell the other girl's parents, I would want to know if that was my 14 year old. Talk,talk and more talk with your daughter is about all you can do short of locking her away until she's 20.

[WingDinger]

65. Trust her to make the right decision. Tell her it is her choice.

Give her the facts. The potential penalties. That you dont want to suffer her penalties.

Then, she will do what she will do. Isnt the possibility of honesty, worhtwhile, even if she takes a puff? If you force lying, it sets a crimp in intimacy. Pot is likely to be legal for her soon enough, teaching responsible use now, with facts, might make her not go there, as it is not forbidden.

[IrishBuckeye]

70. Kids need guidance like you've suggested but also boundaries

Your advice is a slippery slope. Do you suggest the same advice with cigarettes? Would you allow a 14 year old who has decided to smoke pot even after being told of the penalties to smoke it around the house?

[WingDinger]

74. That is your boundary. That INVOLVES you. And yes, even evil cigs.

[NotThisTime]

107. I was recently given very good advice about my 15 year old....

This was in relation to his grades that dropped for the final quarter, and dropped in a big bad way.... He's also a responsible kid who typically knows what is right for him and what is not... however, this was upsetting to say the least.

The advice I received partially applies to you, your daughter is a year younger than my son. HOWEVER, that being said... she is getting older, at some point you will have to change your parenting style to accommodate her growing up. Recognizing this, sit down with her and see what she has to say. Let her talk. Ask her what she thinks about the situation, and if she were the parent, what would she do or what would she think. Ask her what she thinks should be done?

I was very surprised when my son took responsibility, and made his own plan for what should be done now and in the future. Since their school gives summer work he is sticking with his plan. Because of his attitude and buy in, it made our job much easier.

You have obviously raised a very smart young lady. I suspect if you talk with her respectfully and get buy in from her, your problems will be solved. I did however indicate that the choice of getting low grades wouldn't allow him to get into the school of his choice and had other consequences as well. He still has the choice of not doing anything different but as his parents if that happens, then we have to do what we have to do. Separate yourself from your daughter, give her the choice and the opportunity to act age appropriate and let her know the general consequences of drugs so early in life.... let us know how it goes.

[FSogol]

2. Concerning the other girl's Mom: If the positions were reversed, would you

want her to tell you?

I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it. Teens experiment and do a lot of things that their parents never discover.

Just explain the harmful effects on a growing teen (look up the real facts) and tell her you expected better. Talk about peer pressure.

[Tace]

4. I Agree

I'll add that there's also the issue of it being illegal. I've discussed this with my 13-year-old daughter, who hasn't tried it (yet), as far as I know. I've pointed out that it can interfere with academic performance and the development of her young mind, and that it being illegal is a big deal, that it's a problem to break the law.

I also pointed out that it will still be there when she's done with her schooling.

Good luck.

[Mimosa]

160. ^ Sound advice ^ n/t

[Bonobo]

3. Be honest.

Start with your own experience of pot, if you have used it.

Pot itself is not the problem. Lying can be a problem and overusing anything can be a problem.

Discuss your views openly. So...have you smoked cannabis? Do you still? When did you stop? Why did you stop, etc.

Start by becoming clear about your own views. That is my first advice. Follow up depends on your answers, I think.

[enough]

8. ++++ (nt)

[izquierdista]

15. Yes, be open about it

Some more questions to ask:
Did you like it?
Do you see why some people make a habit of it?
Why do you think it was made illegal?
Do you think you need an appetite stimulant, are you losing weight?
What are all its medicinal uses?
Should people be able to use it for non-medicinal uses?
Do you know any people who you would say overuse it?

The more questions you ask, even if she :eyes: gives the typical teenage "I dunno" response, the more you can get her thinking about it. The more she thinks, the more it becomes a conscious decision instead of a habitual behavior. You can also download "Reefer Madness" at hulu and watch it with her and have a laugh together.

[backscatter712]

29. YES!!!

Tell her the truth.

One of the things that brook disrespect is all the hypocritical bullshit that goes around drug issues. DARE exaggerates and uses scare tactics, then the kids try weed for themselves and find out that DARE is bullshit. You'll get more respect if you just tell them the truth straight up.

Include law enforcement issues - the biggest problem with smoking weed isn't really the health effects, it's the legal effects, because of our brain-damaged anti-drug laws.

[BolivarianHero]

142. Bingo...

I know of this scary drug that kills brain, nerve, and liver cells, can kill you, can turn you into a raging addict, and can alter your mind and your sense of reality beyond all recognition. Yes, I'm talking about beer.

[alcibiades_mystery]

5. Don't make a big deal out of it

Because it's NOT a big deal.

Your daughter will smoke more pot in her life. Maybe a little too young now, but it's not the end of the world.

[lunatica]

6. An A student is someone with a lot of self discipline

My first reaction is that she will understand if you simply have an honest talk with her. And at that age it's easy to push them into rebellious behavior if they feel you're treating them like a child. They like to be treated like grown ups because that's what they feel they are. I would try talking to her like a grown up first.

If she's bored then a very productive thing you can do is have her volunteer her skills. It will help her immensely when she applies for college. Universities like UC look for experience in community activity of some kind in the records of applicants. Have her teach reading to children who need it or to adults or any number of things she'll probably like doing.

Don't be angry or punish her. Talk to her honestly and make sure her mind is engaged in something she likes and which she can carry with her for life.

[TeeYiYi]

24. +1... I love this answer... nt

TYY

[joe black]

59. Good advice.

I wouldn't take the phone away that's just going to make her angry, she needs support not punisment.

[DireStrike]

92. I agree with everything except your subject line.

I have known many, many A students with absolutely no self discipline, myself included.

[enough]

7. Good idea not to freak, and keep your husband from freaking too.

Have you or he ever smoked pot? Do you ever use alcohol?

Those are just questions I'm suggesting you ask yourselves to put some perspective on it. Also, your reaction to your daughter's situation will be different depending on the answers to those questions.

Try to keep the real legal issues separated from some sort of "moral" outrage or panic that seems to come over parents if they find their kids trying pot.

This is a complicated moment. Best of luck to you.

[TeaBagsAreForCups]

9. Proceed with your response...

...and your course of action and you will guarantee:

1. that your daughter - with whom your relationship is open enough to warrant the extended discussion to which you refer - will not trust you in the future when the issues and elements of her maturing life become truly critical and with far more significance;

2. and demonstrate that you are unequivocally over-reactive and absolutely disproportionately responding to what is, quite frankly, a rite of passage - to which your daughter appears to have embedded the "adult," age-appropriate and mature attitude, namely "been there, done that," moving on with life;

3. that you will forever appear in her eyes as a parent who elects punishment over education in dealing with a matter that is, relatively speaking and in the greater scheme of maturation, quite inconsequential. Except that it provides a rare moment for you to step up and bond with and educate your child in lieu of allowing your lesser and exclusively reactive instincts of punishment, banishment of her friends, and other draconian dictates to prevail and accomplish nothing - except as a mechanism for you to vent your own fear and anger.

[Fast Dude]

10. Buy her this month's issue of Seventeen magazine

My 15 year old daughter was reading it last night. Very good article on marijauna in it.

It discusses the negatives of pot use in teens. (The weight gain and acne part got her attention)

Amazing that when they read it, it has to be true (in their young mind). When you tell them, it's obviously because you are a dinosaur.

[ReverendDeuce]

11. I agree with the rest... treat her as an adult.

My folks told me that if I wanted to do it, just be careful. They never set limits on what I could and could not do.

Subsequently, I've never had the urge to smoke pot and never have. I tried cigarettes once and was revolted. Never done any hard drugs.

I do have a cigar once in a while, though.

[Name removed]

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[pipi_k]

12. One thing I would suggest...

You said summer is "boring" for her but you can't afford to put her in a martial arts program, etc.

What if you could find some kind of program where you wouldn't have to pay? Where she would volunteer her time... Is there anything she's particularly good at that she could teach younger kids? Or something she would like to learn but you don't have the money, although it's possible she could do sort of an unpaid internship?


Another suggestion...listen. Don't lecture. It doesn't work.

[NightWatcher]

13. Tell her to only buy from people she knows and to be careful where she smokes

If she gets caught by the cops they'll treat her like a common criminal.

The only thing bad about pot, is the criminal justice system's attitude.

[Name removed]

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[seabeyond]

53. internet... and du.... lol. the absurd is embraced and cheered. i prefer to ignore

it

[Name removed]

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[NightWatcher]

57. True, but a lot of kids don't buy the "it's bad for you" line

Esp after they've tried it and had a good time with it. Tell them it's not the kid you don't trust with it, but "the man" is against it.

[Name removed]

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[Radical Activist]

75. And don't carry it on her.

Smoking when it's offered is one thing. Possession is more risky.
I don't see the point of taking her phone away. It seems silly.

[Uben]

14. I wouldn't be so concerned with the pot.....

...so much as who she is hanging around with. Just about all kids try pot at some point.
Just because she took a few puffs is no reason to freak out. I started smoking pot at 16 but I've never been in trouble, was an A student, became a successful businessman and retired at age 45. I'm 55 now. I have two daughters, ages 28 and 17, and neither has ever been in trouble, both are excellent students, and I have no doubt that both of them have tried pot at some point. My biggest concern has always been the company they keep.
So far, they have made good choices, so I have no worries. My parents gave me freedom to do what I pleased as long as I never gave them reason to be concerned. I give my kids the same leeway, and have not been disappointed.

Smoking pot today is kinda like a kid trying their first beer back in the day. Just keep an eye on her grades. As long as she's doing well in school, she's probably gonna be just fine.

My mom found some of my pot when I was 18 (1973). She confronted me about it, and I told her not to worry, I wasn't gonna become a bum. She never mentioned it again. I gave her no reason to. If your daughter wants to smoke pot, there's really not a lot you can do about it. Punishment will only drive her farther away. Just tell her you hold her to a high standard and have confidence in her making the right decisions. I bet she won't let you down.

[Name removed]

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[seabeyond]

45. that is the concern. anyone is going to say tried it once. i am never going to believe,

automatically, even with the child i love with all my heart... that once caught, gives me "tried it once".

just not that gullible, or trusting, or i know that is what humans do. may be true. probably isn't true.

[Uben]

64. Obviously since I didn't write the OP, I don't.....

How do you know? You don't. I just related my experiences and advice. It worked for me, but obviously it will not work for everyone. Every person is unique! I do not advocate smoking pot because some people have no self control and it is illegal in most states. But, I have been around it for the last forty years and have seen how it affects people differently. Some try it once or twice and never touch it again. The ones who usually get in trouble are the ones who start hanging around with people who get into other things such as harder drugs or theft. A person can smoke pot, never get in trouble, and be successful in life. I did it, and I know many other millionaires who have done it. If this young lady has a head on her shoulders, she'll turn out just fine.
If not, she will likely have problems, and they won't be because she smoked pot when she was 14, but the choices she makes heretofore. I am grateful my mom handled it the way she did.

[conscious evolution]

16. Time for a lesson about the US Constitution

Teach her how stupid the cops and the legal system gets when someone gets busted and how to avoid getting busted.

[The_Commonist]

17. Congratulate her...

...for going through one of the rites of passage into adulthood. Her consciousness has now been expanded, and along with that comes greater responsibility.

If you punish her for this, it will only make it that much more powerful. Taking away her phone will only make her even more bored this summer, and increase the likelihood that she will do something like this again. This is a moment that you can use to adjust your relationship, and if you treat her like a child, she will respond like a child.

If you talk to her like a grownup about it, discussing the legal issues and possible health ramifications, she will be more likely to want to stay away from it (is that what you hope to accomplish?). You can certainly let her know that you disapprove (you do disapprove, don't you? Why?) but unless you give her the tools to make decisions rather than force the decisions for her, she will never grow up and she will resent you.

When my sister was caught smoking pot with a neighbor at about that age, the two mothers sat the girls down and told them that they did not approve of them smoking, but if they had to do it, please allow the mothers to buy the pot for them. That way the girls would be assured of its quality, and wouldn't get busted for doing something stupid. No punishment was necessary, because the thought of Mom buying pot for them was so absurd, that they lost interest. I know my sister smoked pot again after that, but I think that moment made it so that she became an occasional, casual disinterested user rather than a raging pothead.

You have a magic moment here, and it sounds like you are going to over react. Would you feel the same if she had sipped a beer? Or kissed a 14 year old boy? She's going to do both of those things too, if she hasn't already. If you want her to lose interest in smoking, don't give it much power. Don't make it something that she has to think about while stewing over the fact that she has no phone for the summer. Make the pot boring rather than something to alleviate the boredom.

Good luck!

[Xenotime]

37. Exactly!

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

67. This is the best advice... nt

[Spazito]

82. Well said and excellent advice...

"You have a magic moment here, and it sounds like you are going to over react. Would you feel the same if she had sipped a beer? Or kissed a 14 year old boy? She's going to do both of those things too, if she hasn't already. If you want her to lose interest in smoking, don't give it much power. Don't make it something that she has to think about while stewing over the fact that she has no phone for the summer. Make the pot boring rather than something to alleviate the boredom."

Beautifully stated.

[Name removed]

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[The_Commonist]

104. You're not paying attention.

Nobody here, as far as I can see, is saying to encourage the kid to smoke pot. I certainly didn't say that. I said to congratulate her for going through a rite of passage (and I was partially kidding) and now comes greater responsibility. The OP has a choice to make now, whether to punish a child or engage a young person who is growing into an adult. I come down on the side of engaging the young lady, help her to understand what the problems are with pot smoking, and don't lie to her because then she won't respect anything. The OP asked for advice. I threw in my 2 cents worth. It's up to the OP to decide what to do.

And you know what? You are right. Reality isn't pretty. You can choose to ignore it, and block out the stuff that bothers you, and you can get freaky-deaky when someone says something you don't agree with. Is that how you choose to live your life? Go for it...

[seabeyond]

18. firstly, i would have sat, with no repercussion or threat of punishment or anger to hear

what son felt about the experience. create an environment that i would get the most info from him, thru asking and listening, to see truly how sorry he was, if he didn't like/liked the experience ect... to get a feel if it was a one time thing or is a long term experience, or experience for the future.

(i can do that with my kids. all kids unique)

she is getting straight A's? it would certainly go into the column of "not the end of the world." watch and see.

bummer she tried it so young. that leaves 4 yrs before out of high school, yet having experienced. good she was so old, because a lot of kids have tried it younger. i figure the older the kids get, without experimenting, the better chance they have

a would prefer pot over booze any day

i am not opposed to invasion of personal space at all. as a matter of fact, i feel it is my job as a parent. both kids well aware, if they give me cause, their personal space is no longer personal. also, things like license and car comes with trust. i am a hard ass and they know i want them to have the freedom, but trust earns that freedom.

two weeks of no phone would work for me. or whatever else means something to the kid. my kids dont have phone. i would take computer away.

i have found, extracurricular activity is a blessing. between school and sport, with effort, time, dedication, it uses a lot of time up keeping kid away. not a perfect scenario. but chances for kid goes way up. edmund does cross country. he is dedicated and it gives him a lot of benefits.

i would have a tough time calling a fellow parent. thinking thinking thinking, i really dont know. cant really see me doing it. i know my kids friends and i would be more likely talking to him. telling me, stop. if i hear, i will fell a responsibility to talk to parent. kid i dont know well, probably would not call parent.

[elehhhhna]

114. seabe, we have to meet one of these days.

same wavelength, as usual.

xo,
Elena

[seabeyond]

118. lol

i agree. and when i take son down to UT in 2-3 more years to check out the campus.... we will go have a drink, or dinner and you can bring your girl or girls, lol. the fun we will have

[elehhhhna]

125. it's a date!

UT is gorgeous -- I was there w/ my girls in May for UIL High School One Act Play State Finals -- but we'd better have this all worked out by then because the only place I saw more potsmoking on the street than Austin was Amsterdam! Oddly enough, while we were there, I told her that when she goes there (she LOVED Austin) for school, to stay away from the booze and just stick with the pot.

[Lochloosa]

19. Check with your local YMCA. I looked and they have martial arts programs.

They also have finacial aid.

See here: http://www.ymcahouston.org/financial-assistance/

The one thing that stood out was her reason. "Bored". I was a straight A student and was extremely bored in High School. Address that problem and you will win in the end.

[nenagh]

20. Maybe a story would help..

Years ago, when my children were close to the same age as your daughter, I was a single parent and had no extra money for sports activities.. So when the school organized a skiing trip my youngest son, Colin, enjoyed it immensely and told me a friend of his, Ryan, also a complete newbie at the sport, was a natural and his skiing was by far the best of the group..

A few years later and now in high school, Colin, who did his homework at the diningroom table while teaching the cats to retrieve small paper balls, became quiet and was worried about something..

I finally found out what was the matter.. his friend, Ryan, had become completely immersed in pot.. he smoked it before classes, during the day etc and Colin could see he was completely blowing his chance for a good education..

And that is what parent's fear, that their cherished child might drift into becoming kind of a lost child.

I had very little money for extras, so it was years later that my eldest daughter discovered that she has a talent for running and cycling..

So I would do a little recon of the area you live in and see if there are running programs or sports programs.. maybe from the school or the Y or even ask at higher quality sports stores about programs she might join.

From my daughter's experience, there are plenty of people there focussed on health so it would not be just yourself and your husband trying to pound in a message.. you would be finding her a support group so to speak, of people whose focus is in a direction you might like her to go..

The world of sport, ie people who train eventually for marathons, that might be something your daughter might really enjoy,

[NikRik]

21. have 15 year old Daughter...

and I prefer she did not smoke pot or drink.However if she was going to try one of the two I much rather she smoke the pot then drink.Many girls have been raped while passed out from drinking to much liquor. I dont believe any incidents of the same thing happening with pot exsist ? Yes a good talking to maybe a grounding for a few days, however like others have said dont make a big deal out of it, could have been worst.

[northzax]

25. you can pass out from smoking weed

or at least end up in enough of a haze that you cannot resist an attacker. so if that's your concern, the only thing that will help is moderation.

[eShirl]

33. it's true; I saw it on a TV ad

[northzax]

36. right

so what's your argument here? that people can't compromise their personal safety while under the influence of marijuana? or that people under the influence are never targets for crimes like rape?

[SammyWinstonJack]

38. heheh.

:evilgrin:

[proud2BlibKansan]

22. When mine were that age I told them they could smoke all they want at home

But they couldn't invite their friends over to get high. And if I caught them smoking anywhere but at home, they'd be in big trouble.

Worked for our family.

No they didn't start smoking pot at home.

[leftyladyfrommo]

30. Luckily I don't have kids. I would have just asked her pass the joint.

I would have been a lousy parent.

[proud2BlibKansan]

44. LOL I was tempted to tell them they had to share.

:evilgrin:

[cbdo2007]

23. Just remind her that she could go to jail because of it and might not be able to get a job.

could get kicked out of school, abused by her dealer or that person's friends, etc.

Also, please god tell her not to ever drive while high. It really is just as dangerous as drunk drivers.

[here_is_to_hope]

27. "It really is just as dangerous as drunk drivers"

Fail.

[Name removed]

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[seabeyond]

42. this is part of the issue we have with our kids. we give them false info then expect them to believe

listen, trust us. there have been studies done. no, pot does not impair the driving the same as alcohol. one of the thing i do with kids that i KNOW is correct is tell them the truth... about all things. and not use fear as the foundation for good decision making, but allow them to see the truth in good decision making.

get your facts

[Name removed]

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[seabeyond]

49. that isnt the argument. you said pot impairs the same as alcohol. it doesnt.

they have done studies that say alcohol and cell are equal in impairment, but pot is not on the same level as those two

[Name removed]

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[The_Commonist]

66. Buh-bye!

"anastasia for a very short period of time"

elehhhhna,

This person couldn't even last here for 15 posts. Please do not take what she had to say seriously. Hers was an extreme position on the issue you are dealing with. See what happens when someone takes an extreme position? They don't earn the respect of others, and they don't last very long as a member of the community.

Be cool, be loving, talk to your kid respectfully and she will do the right thing in the long run.

[Name removed]

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[The_Commonist]

97. Did you read what she posted?

She'd only been here for a couple of days.

[Name removed]

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[The_Commonist]

98. And so now you're going to bully me?

Is that how you respond to the injustice you suffered?
By making assumptions about the chemical make up of my brain, in order to score points?
Did your bully have to suffer your insults as well?

Come on, be cool. We're all on the same side here. And we all want what's best for the OP's kid. We just have different ideas about what that means. She will ultimately have to decide what course of action to take.

[Name removed]

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[Name removed]

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[Spazito]

99. I don't quite follow what you are saying...

Were you "axed" or was the person following you "axed"? "I have come back again and again because it was not fair?" What was not fair?

[Name removed]

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[elehhhhna]

115. fortunately she was deleted before I got a chance to come back here.

sorry i missed it, tho.

[Spazito]

119. LOL, there were two of them...

or one on two computers. I only caught the second one who brazenly said he/she had been TS but felt it was "unfair" (given the comments, I suspect not) so kept coming back (meaning multiple TSing), it was amazing not to mention quite funny.

[elehhhhna]

127. WTH was she talking about?

[Spazito]

131. Well, he/she was an upfront sockpuppet and seemed to think...

they would not get TS'd yet again by saying so, it was bizarre. As to the issue in you OP, not much was said on that regard that made a lot of sense, imo.

[The_Commonist]

133. It seemed to be one person...

...who was tombstoned and then created a new user name, came back to say it was unfair that she got tombstoned.

In a nutshell, she thought I was a jerk for suggesting that you encourage your daughter to smoke pot. I hope you don't think that's what I was suggesting. She was quite adamant that pot smoking is bad, and it might well be. That's for you to decide in your case. She was kind of an absolutist, and wanted to ignore things that she didn't agree with. It was kinda sad, really.

Just be honest with your daughter. You'll all be fine...

[elehhhhna]

135. I've never encouraged the gals to smoke pot -- but

I HAVE been honest in explaining that they will have opportunities to try it and that IMO it's less dangerous than booze but illegal, which makes it complicated, and thus it is best left alone until their brains have finished forming.

This was proven correct when the child busted herself to MY 60 year old AUNT (!!!) via text. If that ain't proof that one is not sophisticated enough to handle illegal drug use, I don't know what is.

My aunt btw was a bigtime hippie back in the day. I was a wannabe. We've shared a bong or two.

[The_Commonist]

137. There ya go...

You missed a bunch of negativity earlier, and you don't need that crap.
Again, you guys will do great.

:loveya:

[Name removed]

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[The_Commonist]

156. You again?

I thought you were tombstoned twice already. Now you've started yet another user name to bug me about this?

Nobody has said to encourage the kid to keep smoking pot. Except maybe as snark. We've tried to explain this to you already. I said to congratulate her for going through a "rite of passage" and then to explain to her the pitfalls. But I explained that to your two other alter-egos already. My point was that "punishment" is likely to backfire, as it does with so many young people at that age. But if you had been paying attention, you would already understand that.

So, I'm going to alert on you now. Chances are you are going to start yet another user name to come back and spread more negativity. Pretty much exactly the same thing that you complained about, when you said that someone followed you across threads to bug you. Amazing how people will do the very same thing that they complain about others doing.

Kinda sad, really...

[Name removed]

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[uncommon]

60. Weed definitely impairs me - for at least an hour after smoking my reaction times

are 3-4 times slower than normal. That is absolutely dangerous when driving.

I would never smoke and drive.

[Maine-ah]

149. lol, I sat at a stop sign on my way home

waiting for it to turn green....:rofl:

[seabeyond]

154. that is funny. even funnier, i have done that and i wasnt stoned, drunk or anything else. nt

[justabob]

43. convictions affect financial aid for school too

May be a bigger motivator in this particular case since this is a kid that cares about school already.

[seabeyond]

48. this is what i make clear to kids. it is a huge factor to them. they have 4 cousins

taking wrong path, and handful of others making good choices. the evidence is there for the kids to see, it behooves them, is smarter, and life better, making good choices.

[BolivarianHero]

143. Incorrect...

The effects of cannabis on driving are minute compare to those of alcohol or of prescription depressants such as Xanax.

[stellanoir]

26. Take her phone away and she more than likely won't tell you squat until she's

27 or so.

It's normal to experiment and cave to peer pressure.

Back in the day before pot was hybridized many people didn't even feel the psychoactive effects the first time they smoked. It's probably not the case any longer with the stronger stuff.

Talk with her. Ask her what the experience was like for her, how it made her feel. . .did she get paranoid. . .or gain any perspective on stuff at all. . .or feel any differently about that peer group. . .?

Would she want to do it again. . .?

If the answer to the last question is yes, then tell her that she better stay on track and do really well so she can afford to travel to the Netherlands to get high legally.

Very simply, the criminalization of pot is unjust and draconian on so many levels yet the penalties are so exacting that it's hardly worth the risk any more.

If you level with her and don't over react or play the "heavy" you won't compromise her trust.

I heard a funny story on the radio a couple years ago about a comedienne's teenage drug use in more innocent times. He came home stoned and his mum noticed. She said, "you're stoned aren't you. . .?" He acknowledged that he was. She then said, "*Now* go directly to your room and play your guitar because I understand that stuff makes you *really* creative."

Good luck with your good girl.

[Tailormyst]

28. Talk to her about the consequences

Not that pot is bad, but rather the legal consequences and the detrimental effects on her college options. I tell my boys " It's not that pot itself is bad, but it is illegal and you would be risking your future and limiting your options in life. Is that really worth smoking a joint?" I got more specific with my sons goals to make it hit home to them.

Good luck and don't freak out.

[uncle ray]

31. she'll probably be teaching you more about pot.

no doubt she knows what 4:20 means, everybody does. try to teach her to follow that rule, ie. not light up until you have had a productive day. reading DU for an hour while wake-and-baking isn't the most socially acceptable way to start the day.

[Tsiyu]

32. Hey there's a War On against that evil shit

You need to call the cops RIGHT FUCKING NOW !!!II!!I!IIlll

She needs to be bound and shackled and sent to one of those wilderness camps for years or she's going to end up a meth addict on a truckstop bathroom floor having sex with Canadian drug lords.


Okay, that's what my cousin's wife did when their 14-year-old cussed her and smoked some cannabis.

Overkill, considering this woman had had a nanny raising this kid all her life (IBM VP). She was gonna be in China or Paris soon and wouldn't have had to deal with her kid anyway. But how convenient to give her a juvenile police record AND get rid of the kid!

I do believe 14 is too young to smoke cannabis unless it is for some medicinal purpose.

But I would wager many DUers started even younger. I was sixteen when i started smoking (occasionally during high school) and I graduated with honors, was president of the Art club, won tons of awards.
Was accepted to and attended college.

It's not the end of the world as many have already said.

This may sound nuts, but i also believe that Cannabis saves some teens' lives.

It may be an effective anti-depressant for some kids, and that could be the draw. After all, a lot of anti-depressants are contraindicated for teens due to suicide risk. Cannabis is not one of them.

So find out if she is depressed or merely bored as she says. Ask how the cannabis affected her and whether she thinks she'll do it again. Explain to her how draconian the laws are, because the laws are the most dangerous side effect of cannabis in America.

if she continues using cannabis, she must be on her guard at all times, and that's no way for a kid to live. Tell her the prison industry would love to have her as a guest in one of their facilities, and they use cannabis as a promotional gimmick.

I would NOT involve law enforcement, the school, the other parents. Keep it private, talk to your kid, and just be glad it's not "jenkem."


You're a great mom, BTW :hug:

[noamnety]

34. If my husband was away with my 14 year old daughter

and she was getting high, I'd tell him right away - because he's the sole parent on the trip, right? It seems like you'd have to tell him unless you're okay with her smoking it the rest of the week. And from the tone of your post, it sounds like you aren't okay with that at all. Me, I'd tell the other girl's mom, because she needs to know also.

Freak out? Yell? Let myself get into a screaming match about it? No.
Set rules when they are 14? Have consequences when they break the rules or break the law and risk getting arrested? Yep.

And like others suggested, if she's bored over the summer work to find a productive solution to that. It'll help model for her what she should do in the future if she's feeling like she's without a sense of direction.

[lumberjack_jeff]

46. I had to reread the op twice.

The brain tends to skip over stuff that makes no sense.

Yes. Absolutely, the parent who is responsible for the kid should be told by the one who isn't there that she's smoking pot. I mean... hello?

The difficult conversation Saturday won't be between daughter and mom. It will be between mom and dad.

[elehhhhna]

117. even she is not naive enough to bring it on the plane to Grandma's.

So using on vacation is a non-issue, and freaking my husband out will be of no help. This can wait until Saturday. I suggested she tell him about this herself but she thinks he will lose his temper and scream his bloody head off, unilaterally punish and want to go all vigilante on the kids who are involved -- which is quite possible -- so we'll handle this when they're home and I can help him be rational.

[Donnachaidh]

35. so taking her on her word is not enough punishment?

Jeez, she's an A student -- can you not just sit down and have a REAL talk with her about the dangers she can face for her OWN future, rather than treat it like a *Mom* and take away her phone?

I have a teen too. And many of his friends are potheads. We talked about every aspect of smoking grass, and I allowed him to weigh the good and bad aspects of it. He did the thing that would protect himself - he refused to try it.

The one thing I've tried to get into my kid's head is that he is not *required* to *follow the herd*. With maturity should come the capacity to make *choices*. It's probably tougher with girls, because they seem to *follow the herd* more (I may be wrong, but that's how it looks around here), but my kid wants to be treated like an adult. And to be treated as such, he needs to make good decisions. Yeah, I expect screw ups too. But I have faith in my kid, and he's stepped up to that faith.

As a parent, I wouldn't take away the phone. But I would look for some volunteer work she could do, to get her away from the *herd* and give her some real life experience with other age groups. Perhaps working with little kids at a local shelter?

Give her a chance to think things out. You may totally blow her mind by giving her a chance to prove she's sorry. And TALK to her as a person.

Just my thoughts, ymmv.

[krabigirl]

52. Be honest about it but say its for adults. That's what i plan to do.

I am very much pro-cannabis, but i don't think mind-altering substances are good for developing brains. This includes all of those ssris and Ritalin and the like as well...actually those are worse IMO.

This is what i plan to do..however i am not going to lie and say cannabis is horrible because it just isn't. It's much safer than alcohol, its just not good for kids to be doing.

[Sheepshank]

54. Respect

My parenting tends revolve around mutual respect. While pot may or may not be a big deal to some (I've never used pot, so to me it's a big deal), it's a bigger deal if there is a household rule about not using illegal drugs. And for now Pot is still considered an illegal drug. I DO NOT advocate flying off the handle.

What I'm saying is if the household rule exists, then I do think there should be a consequence for breaking the rule AND the lack of respect for family rules. I DO think that there should be a consequence and perhaps taking away her phone for a while is enough. I DO NOT think there should be no consequences for breaking a family rule. It puts your position as household leader/parent into a compromised, ineffective situation for future issues.

She sounds like one smart cookie and therefore will probably expect that there will be a consequence to her actions. I do not think that taking away her phone will have long term repercussions. I also agree that level headed listening skills and talking it through regarding the legalities as mentioned several time on this thread etc is a very good idea.

If I was the other parent I'd want to know....but sometimes you and your family's best interest are front and center, not those of the other family. I would include this as part of the conversation and ask your dd what she thought about the matter. I'd hesitate a guess that she is not wanting to be the tattle tale for several reasons, the fall out amongst friends, the embarrassment of getting caught etc.. If nothing else, if you both decide NOT to tell the other parents, she will build a sense of respect and trust in you that you valued her opinion and your family unity first.

[BakedAtAMileHigh]

55. you should thank her for not drinking herself into a coma

and teach her how to safely consume cannabis in ways that will neither expose her to the harsh gaze of law enforcement or other forms of authority or leave her vulnerable to harm (black market purchasing, etc).

Your daughter is a straight A student and (I am sure) a beautiful young lady with a bright future ahead of her. The only way this will change is if she is exposed to law enforcement. Teach her how to stay safe even if you do not condone cannabis use.

[Name removed]

102. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[montanto]

56. I probably wouldn't tell the other parent

without knowing them personally. I wouldn't punish the kid too much either. I would explain that weed would be illegal for kids that age even if it was legalized for adults. I would also explain that one of the greatest dangers in marijuana use at that age (aside from deals with sketchy characters) is dissipation. That the kid's energies are better spent in learning and other healthful activities at that age. If it becomes a regular activity at that age it may be a sign of other problems:depression, coping issues. Experimentation and occasional use at home, or after school, is one thing; daily "wake and bake" sessions at 14 are something else imho. Everything in its place. I would also ask her about her experience. I think its important to engage kids on the facts that they have come up with. How did she feel? Did she like it? Does she want to do it again? Does she want to do it all the time? etc. Gives you an idea of whether there are other issues at play, or if she's just trying out adult behavior.

[Maru Kitteh]

77. That's a very dishonest and dysfunctional approach to parenting. n/t

[montanto]

80. k thanks.

[DireStrike]

93. Dishonest?

How in the world can you use that word? Dysfunctional, sure, that's a subjective term and people have all kinds of crazy ideas about what is functional or dysfunctional. But I see nothing but paramount honesty here.

[Maru Kitteh]

146. I'm sorry. I misunderstood the post when I read it the first time to mean the father.

I understand now that the parent of the other child was the intended subject of the post. That's a whole other thing entirely.

My mistake.

[DireStrike]

147. Oh I see

lol that is funny!

[Alcibiades]

61. Don't tell the other girl's mom

You have no idea what her home life is like.

Let her know about the legal consequences of pot use, and that she needs to not get caught. I'd tell her that it's probably not the best thing for her at her age, and that she should continue to focus on her schooling, because she has a future to consider. Encourage her to be honest with you. I don't know that I'd tell her that there really are not a lot of side effects to the moderate use of marijuana for most people. I started smoking pot when I was 9, and went on to get my PhD. I have not done it for over ten years, mainly because I grew out of it.

People make their own choices, but as a parent, she's your responsibility. I'd probably err on the side of being overprotective, but that might result in her lying about her drug use to you, which she's apparently already done anyway. It doesn't matter that the kids she smoked with are not ones she sees regularly, though, because every high school kid knows where to get pot if they want it.

[NashVegas]

62. First Off, She's Probably Lying to You (Scared)

When I was 14 - as well as 3/4 of DU - there wasn't an internet around and yet somehow, I and others all knew about the potential penalties of MJ and getting caught with it. So, that's kind of a whopper.

Secondly, kids will lie to protect their own butts, sometimes their friends and their relationships with them.

For the record, A students get stoned all the time.


If this was a first offense, I wouldn't call out the guard, you know? There are worse things than trying pot.

If the text message explicitly said she was "trying" it, really you should just bring it home that she needs to stay off it if she's not willing to face legal consequences. But really, she should just stay off it in general and not numb herself from life.

If the text didn't say that, and "trying" is what she's telling you, I'd make it clear I wasn't buying that for a minute, for starters ...

[FirstLight]

68. ...about telling the other kid's mom....

let's take a look at that realistically. Do you know that parent? have you had any kind of conversation with that parent outside of picking up and dropping off? if not, you may be unwittingly adding to something that is already in motion. Meaning, if that other child has reasons for smoking and getting friends to do it, she's got reasons and issues you may know nothing about.
fool me once, oops on you...fool me twice oops on me. that's the best approach . you should talk to the other kid yourself, and see if there is a reason behind it before you jump into a family dynamic you don't know about.

When I was 15, my best friend and I got ripped off the mayonaise jar full of roaches that belonged to her mom. of course we got caught... ;)

the next morning, we had a long talk with her mom & boyfriend about all kinds of drugs and what they did and why they are dangerous for our growing minds and need to be 'kept in their place' ....it's one thing to party on the weekend or once in a while, it is quite another to indulge before going to school. We both had friends we had seen dosing on acid in class, and we were shocked that they could get away with it... and that they would even try, when school is not a place for that. But the honest talk was what we wanted, and it DID deter us from being stupid while we were in school. (I may have partied on the weekends in junior & senior year occasionally. But i never took it to school, and I failed classes because of boredom and hatred of homework, nothing else.)
They never told my parents, because they were not friends with them and they didn't need my parents trying to bust THEM for being smokers either. ( my parents were highly hypocritical because my dad is and was a raging alcoholic...and my mom a serious enabler...)

when my parents finally got a clue that i was a stoner, i was 18 and I moved out rather than listen to their bullshit. I probably could have used some intervention at that time, because I ended up running with the wrong crowd, dropping out of college and having some serious stuff happen by the time I was 21... but they were in the practice of sweeping things under the rug. so they wouldn't have understood anyway.
so honestly, if that parent had said something way back at 15... it may have just sent me further down the path of self destruction and rebellion faster. especially since they would have forbidden me to see my best friend, who was/is/and will always be my rock of gibraltar. She was the one who went to private school and made a real life for herself...
we've been friends since we were 12, and now we are 40

we joke about the day we decide to tell my mom that *she* was the one who started me back in the day.. if we ever want to 'do my mom in' we could tell her that her favorite 'angel' was the bad influence back in the day... d'oh!

[Rex]

69. Asking for advice on an internet forum will get you a million different replies.

However since you did ask, DON'T freak out...if you have already done so in front of your daughter then the damage is already done. Children look for things that stimulate their parents (good or bad) and now she (being smart) will wonder why you are so emotional about weed...maybe even so to go do it again, if it got that kind of response out of you. Another thing, she won't die or turn into a troll for smoking a joint...but I would NOT let her hang out with that kind of crowd. She needs some new friends.

DON'T FREAK OUT, IT WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE.

[libmom74]

71. I think

you have to look at your daughter and what kind of kid she is and who she hangs out with more than just looking at the pot smoking. If she gets good grades, hangs out with good kids and has interests and hobbies she'll probably be just fine. We just went through a situation with my stepdaughter that wasn't good. A couple of years ago we found out she smoked pot but we figured we had gone through the same stage as teenagers and decided to talk to her about the dangers of getting caught, being safe (no smoking and driving etc..) and no hard drugs. Unfortunately she didn't hang out with a good crowd, wasn't interested in school and didn't have any hobbies/interests and she got involved with hard drugs (heroin/oxy). She's doing ok now, she just got out of rehab but it was hard for a while. Sometimes we blame ourselves, we wonder if it's because we were too permissive about pot. It's hard to know if we had not been permissive if she would have gone in that direction or if she would have tried hard drugs no matter what.

[davsand]

72. Have you talked to your kid about drugs before now?

How did you approach it at that point? I'd think that you would want to be consistent with your response now. If you told her "No, don't EVER do it," then you are on a different footing than if you approached it as something like "wait to do it until you are an adult."

We have talked openly with our 13 year old about pot (and other drugs, including booze) and we've been pretty open about the fact that our PERSONAL feeling is that pot oughtta be legal--but it isn't--so stay the hell away from it because an arrest can really mess up your future. We have also talked about the impact of all drugs on a growing/developing body and mind. I came out of the whole "drug education" thing from the late 60's and 70's where they told you that acid messes up your DNA and pot is so addictive that you will be an addict after you smoke it the first time. My personal response even as a little kid was disbelief, and as I got older it became outright laughter. I doubt kids are any less savvy now, so we opted for truth rather than propaganda.

I can't say my kid will never try any drug, and if I'm being completely honest, I can't even say that I have a problem with the idea that as an adult she gets to decide for herself on the issue. I always kind of figured that if I do my job as a parent she'll be equipped to make those kind of decisions for herself at some point.

YMMV.




Laura

[slackmaster]

73. Gulag

[Maru Kitteh]

76. I think that how you and your husband feel is much more important

than what DU thinks.

The only really important thing is that you are clear about your expectations, whatever they be, and communicate those expectations calmly and clearly to your daughter.

DU is the wrong farkin' place to ask for advice on the subject of drugs. What DU thinks and wants is NOT RELEVANT TO YOUR FAMILY LIFE.

Talk over the expectations with your husband. Be on the same page. Then communicate clearly and calmly with your daughter.

It'll probably be fine.


I personally watched one of my step-daughters, a previously a straight A, well-adjusted, outgoing, beautiful young lady throw away a very promising future for drugs, the drug culture and the drug lifestyle. She's now failed out of school twice, thousands in debt, slovenly and dirty in her appearance, and her circle of friends has rapidly changed to include more and more people who have done time in the local and state jails.

Obviously not everyone who smokes ends up on the path my daughter is on.

Ultimately what I think and feel isn't really applicable to you and your family - or others for that matter. I do want you to know I wish you all the very best outcome for you and your family.

[seabeyond]

78. looking at

your step daughter, why do you think that is? did you see soemthing about personality/charater that allows you to say, i can see that. the why of it. i am curious.

she had a stable environment? why do you think she chose that route

[Maru Kitteh]

145. Unfortunately we did not raise her and her environment was not stable

Her mother has a diagnosed but untreated borderline personality disorder and other schizotypal tendencies and to top it off - she is a recently converted Mel Gibson style Catholic fundamentalist. She found her irrational and equally disturbed soul-mate in her forth husband when our daughter was in the first year of high school. Up until that time, our daughter had many normalizing and stable influences in her life, and she weathered her mother's storms very well. After that union, everything changed. It's difficult to describe the level of crazy that ensued, but our daughter was once grounded from artificial light sources for 6 months.

The family became very isolated and Mom started popping babies out for the pope and yanked our daughter out of school (homeschooling) to babysit. They started globe-hopping and then when the money ran out, moving all over the country in a camper. Our daughter fled when she was 17 and came to live with us. She's almost 22 now. We've offered and given every manner of help imaginable, and now all we can do is hope that she chooses to change her behavior. It's sad to watch, but she is an adult now, and she must decide what manner of life she wants for herself.

[seabeyond]

148. i had total faith

that your environment would be safe, secure. and so to hear about this daughter and choices she made didnt make sense to me. why i asked what you saw in her to direct her on this journey.

almost always, exclusively, i see these choices because of circumstances you describe, though not exact or even as extreme, but the same insecurity and unstable environment.

thanks for the story

[lumberjack_jeff]

111. This presupposes mom will eventually decide to tell dad.

I find it odd that although there has been much hand-wringing about whether to tell the other kids parents, only one poster suggested that mom should tell dad (the parent who is actually with the daughter) what happened.

[seabeyond]

113. it sounded to me like dad has daughter away from environment on a vacation

and that when the two of them come back mom is gonna talk to dad.

just from what i heard in op

if hubby took kid on vacation, i knew there was no access to pot, and they were having a good time, bonding and playing, i wouldnt call him up in middle of vacation and drop it on him

would you?

[elehhhhna]

120. you've hit the nail on the head again, seabe. Thank you.

[seabeyond]

122. .

:thumbsup:

[lumberjack_jeff]

126. I misunderstood, apparently.

the pot smoking took place before daughter and dad left for vacation?

[elehhhhna]

128. yes -- a couple times last month, apparently.

[JonLP24]

79. I'm the worst person to ask

but that is when I started. At 14. The worse side effects was getting into trouble with the law because I was always smoking somewhere outside. Little did I know--my mom also smoked cannabis--but she didn't tell me for several months after she caught that she did. The reason why she let me in on it was because after getting busted with crumbled up tin foil, she figured a good way to stay out of trouble was to smoke it in house which was the way to do it because I wasn't going to quit whether she wanted me to or not. We are still great friends to this day and the only immediate family member I regularly talk to.

[Lucian]

81. I find Oreos and Fig Newtons are my favorite "munchie" snack.

[seabeyond]

86. oreos i can go with. fig newtons, ... too dry. only with a huge glass of water. nt

[Iggo]

83. Did she break a specific rule? One with clearly defined consequences?

That's the way we do it at Iggo's pad.

[aikoaiko]

84. ground her, confiscate the pot, send her to her room, and light up.

I keed. I keed. Kind of. ;)

[seabeyond]

87. I keed. I keed. Kind of. ... lol lol. nt

[aikoaiko]

85. More seriously, the legal consequences with implications for student loans, college apps, and jobs

are really important. Be calm, be strict. It may not stop her, but you should do what you can to steer her away from the possible consequences.

[lib2DaBone]

88. Go easy on her.. no big deal...

I know people in college who studied better after smoking pot.. they could concentrate more.

It might make her a better student?

There is absolutely NO TRUTH that MJ is a "gateway" drug, (will make her do other drugs)

That little gem was dropped on us by Nancy Reagan back in the 80's.

If anything.. I would tell her to stay away from Cigarettes, Alcohol and Caffeine.

[mdmc]

89. This is the first time pot has been an issue?

According to the pew charitable trust, parents should make a big stink the first time their kids get caught. Kids whose parents made a big stink tended to do better at fending off addictions.

So even if you are a big pot advocate or stoner, make a big stink. It may help her to avoid a fight with addiction later in life.

[Mother Of Four]

90. I have four teens ...

What I've found that works for me, though I don't know you or your daughter...Is educate educate educate. We have sayings in our home "Knowledge is power" or "Information is your best weapon".

This is a good place to start- Facts/Myths
http://www.drugpolicy.org/marijuana/factsmyths/

Also, you could take this time to look up the legal consequences for your state. Print them out, and have her read them. Our favorite "punishment" wasn't really punishment. It was an assignment. Study the information, and write me a three page essay on what you find out. Then we talk it over.

Most teens make "Duh why did I do that?" decisions, it's all part of growing up. I was never more proud of my eldest, than when he did his senior thesis paper on Hemp...and the uses it could be put to. I went toe to toe with the teacher about it, stating that it was a valid subject and if she prevented him from writing about it I would go to the school board. She was convinced he was going to write a paper advocating the use of MJ. It's that form of paranoia that keeps kids making those mistakes. Denying knowledge through fear never got anyone anywhere.

Look at it like sex ed, if you DON'T educate your kiddos you'll be setting them up to make even more serious "Duh" mistakes.

About the phone thing, I agree with taking away the phone with a big however in there. -However- leave it totally in her control, when she's done with the paper and you've talked about it she can have it back. She's an A student, which means she's one smart cookie. She'll see the benefit of doing this assignment with her eyes shut.

Another thing that you may want to go over if you decide to do this is the very real danger that what she's smoking could be laced with something more dangerous. MJ all by itself isn't generally deemed hazardous, but because it isn't regulated and the people who are providing it are breaking the law- and making money off of it, it could be contaminated with all sorts of things.

About telling the other parent, that really depends. If it were me in your situation, I'd ask your daughter what she thought about it. How well does she know this other girl? What kind of home life does she have? What repercussions could it have legally if the other mother decided to call the police instead of engage her child? Your daughter is smart and honest, this is a first time thing and if you treat her with respect it could well be a last time thing. At 14, this is opening a door for other discussions in the future. For instance when she gets pressured by a boy, or is in a situation at a party and people want to drink, when she's staying the night and the girl she's with wants to sneak out etc.

Good luck on this, being the parent of a teen is tough. Just keep in your mind's eye how much you love her and let that override any fear/anger/hurt you may be feeling. Do that, and I doubt you'll go wrong.

[seabeyond]

91. that is what we do. we talk about it, all of it, often. open discussion. we see examples

behaviors, the good and bad, and talk about it. we see the people that codemn a person for it and talk about. we talk about it all

and i agree

i really think that makes all this much easier, for the parent, but especially the child

[Cleita]

103. Be grateful that it's not tobacco, but you might give

her the same lecture I got when my parents caught me smoking cigarettes. They went to lengths to tell me how bad it was for me, but also told me when I was eighteen, I could do as I liked, but until then and as long as I lived under their roof, they expected me not to. I wasn't punished. I was just made to feel like an ass.

[Name removed]

105. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[earth mom]

108. Meanwhile, people on DU want to legalize pot for recreational use.

Sorry about your daughter and I hope you can steer her in another direction.

I watched all 3 of my brothers lives go down the drain with drugs and it all "started" with pot.

They are all dead now because of drugs.

Which is why I am against legalization of pot for anything other than medical use.

I know my post is going to generate a lot of outrage and arguments-I'm not going to agree and I don't want to argue about it, so spare me and everyone else.

Good luck to the OP.

[seabeyond]

109. i have alcoholics in my life, that have totally destroyed their lives living in hell or have died

from it.

when it touches us that closely there is not a chance we are going to see it as "innocent"

[elehhhhna]

121. we have some potheads and some alkie in the family.

The potheads are fine (some in their 60's now). The alkies are a mess, or dead.

[asdjrocky]

123. delete.

[elehhhhna]

130. that comes off harsh, dude.

[asdjrocky]

132. Your're right.

I'll self delete and apologize in advance.

[elehhhhna]

136. Kewl.

It was also pretty funny but I love snarky shit like that anyway. Sick huh?

[uncle ray]

134. why don't you spare us?

do unto others.

[HopeHoops]

110. Well the first thing you should immediately do is...

... shit, I forgot what the first thing you should immediately do is.

Seriously, give it the sniff tests and if you aren't subject to drug screening, take a small hit. I am serious. Both measures are to test the safety of her stash. There was some questionable stuff floating around 20+ years ago when I smoked it, but from what I understand, the playing field is much more dangerous now.

[The Midway Rebel]

112. Some good advice here, some not.

Give her a donut and tell her to stick closer to church... oriented... social...activites...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvlJc8ilD5o&feature=related


Alas, the Universe has not blessed me with children of my own. I do not feel qualified to reply however, I agree with post up thread about rites of passage, expanded consciousness and responsibility. Beautiful man.

I wish that person had been my dad. My dad poured me High Balls. Seriously.

RIP, dad.

[TexasObserver]

116. Most importantly, don't overreact.

This means don't involve police, don't involve school, don't involve the parents of other kids, don't involve anyone else. Keep it between you and her.

I'm not big on punishments. Talk, edification, and agreements are the objective.

[elehhhhna]

124. That's my inclination. Thank you, TO.

[TexasObserver]

Can I suggest something?

I raised three through those years, and they're all fully grown and highly functioning adults now.

I always started anything like this with "whatever you've done, I've done worse." It's important to acknowledge that we all pass through times when we do things we might not have done later. Something like pot smoking is especially dicey, because it's necessary to communicate both the problem of illegality and the notion that one doesn't necessarily agree with such laws.

It's fair to tell them that if police or teachers or other parents catch them at it, the repercussions can be serious. They need to understand the danger of getting caught and being punished as a separate issue from the rightness or wrongness of the laws and policies at issue.

When a neighbor told me she caught her 17 year old grandson smoking weed in the shed behind their house, I told her "that's what 17 year old boys do." Unless it appears to be a serious problem, best not to get too concerned. Of course, at 14 it's a bit more of a problem than it would be for a 16 or 17 year old. Those 2-3 years make a big difference.

[boston bean]

129. It is not your responsibility to tell the other parent. It will cause pain for your daughter.

don't over react many kids do it/try it.

I have dealt with it myself and I tried to remain calm as to not push him away from me.

There was no punishment, stern talking, and he knew in no uncertain terms what my expectations were.

I did not try to alienate him from the person he was doing it with. I told him that I needed a break from the the other person, but that I didn't think his friend was a terrible person, but right now, we need a break.

We had one more slip, and I got a bit tougher. Used the same tactics and as far as I know, things are much better.

A lot of punishment in the teens can make a kid more rebellious and give them reason to push you away. Put the responsiblity on them and what the consequences could be and use their own conscience to try to get them to do the right thing.

[crazyjoe]

138. why in the world would you come to du for advice about

your daughter??? are you insane?
please, don't take my advice, but I would be very concerned. she is at an age where things can go very right for her, or things can go very wrong.
opiates and meth are the most popular drugs used by kids today, and both are extremely dangerous. You need to be on top of this in a big way. my 2 cents.
of course, you could take the advice of the duer who suggested to tell her how to get caught by "the man"

[lynne]

139. Not aware of potential penalties? I think I'd take everything with a grain of salt -

- remember she had been caught and was trying to cover herself. While I'm sure she's a great girl, she's likely coloring the situation and circumstances in her favor. Wouldn't you if you were her?

Tell the other parents. If you don't, you could be implicated should the other parents learn you knew and didn't do anything to put a stop to it.

Take away the phone for a month. I assume you have a house phone? That's all she needs for communication. We all survived without texting 24/7. Grounded, too, for a month. No social events with friends. She'll be upset but she'll live.

Make sure she has an "alternate peer group" - a second set of friends to fall back on in case her primary friends go sour. I know you said these were kids she doesn't see often but get her involved in something - anything - where she'll meet different kids and form different relationships and keep her very busy. Volunteering, a summer youth program, any school related club, sports, etc. Keep her busy at all costs.

I say this as I've raised three teens, 2 girls and 1 boy, - the youngest just graduated high school - so I've been there.

BTW, the stuff about treating a 14 year old as an adult is a big mistake. She's not an adult. She is barely a teen. She needs and she wants parental guidance and structure and you can do that in a loving and caring fashion.

Good luck!

[seabeyond]

140. She needs and she wants parental guidance and structure

really, they really do and need.

[Tsiyu]

141. I'm not an authoritarian but I try to understand them

I understand the need for "control." I have raised six. Four presently in college, one a starving artist (drummer) and one in high school.

I do not understand wanting to sabotage one's own child/family.

Given the drug laws today, the OP could find herself - if police are notified after a big stink is raised - in a very expensive mess.

If the Op can't afford extracurriculars, wait til she has to hire a lawyer, pay juvenile court fines, probation costs, and shuffle her kid back and forth to community service.

I'm not saying the other parent would call the cops, but what if the other parent freaks out and blames the OP's kid and DOES call cops?

Do you realize the OP's home could be searched? DCS called out to do home studies? Do you realize we do not have a sensible, cost-effective, merciful or sane drug policy in this country?

I understand the authoritarian's need to "keep that kid in her place." But I prefer, in my family, to respect my kids. In return, I pretty much know everything my four youngest do or have done.

And I leave the two oldest alone to live their lives without prying.

[Douglas Carpenter]

144. when I lived in Santa Cruz in 1980 there were parents buying their kids bongs for birthday presents

kids that age and even younger. And these were not "hippie" parents - they were just "cool" middle class parents.

I certainly don't recommend that approach. But as an ex heavy pot smoker myself (its been more than 20 years) the problem with pot is not what it makes people do, but the laziness and lethargy that comes with heavy use. When compared to alcohol pot can appear almost harmless. After all, pot head parents and spouses are not known for beating up their families or shouting abuse all night long or vomiting dry heaves the next morning. The problem is that they have a tendency not to do much at all. As one public service advertisement put it - a stoner is sitting around telling his friend - "I've smoked pot for years and nothing ever happened to me." EXACTLY! The most harmful side effect is just that.

Now if this was just casual experimentation, I REALLY wouldn't worry about it too much. Kids at the age tend to start getting their feet wet experimenting with lots of thing that we would all like to protect them from. Whether its pot, alcohol or God forbid - sex - most kids just cannot resist experimenting - yet most survive and do quite well.

I was twenty-four years old when I first got stoned. And I might put it, I only got stoned once - but it lasted for about seven years. I was one of those people who just couldn't handle it. But most people can. Most likely your daughter can too. But she should be warned that she might not be - as with alcohol or other things, some people just can't.

Most importantly be a friend and keep the communication open. I really wouldn't recommend attempting to excessively restrict her friends. With teenagers, that approach just doesn't work anyway. Nothing will weaken your influence more than a kid who becomes totally alienated from their parents. Things really spin out of control when that happens. Just be a friend so that your influence and your opinion means something.

[Mojeoux]

150. 149 people responding to you so far. Right on DU!

The way that weed becomes a gate-way drug is if you lie about it's actual effects.

It's all relative, but the effects of Marijuana are so benign, when people try to demonize it, they loose credibility.

It's the loss of trust that inspires more experimentation.
No one has to pretend that cocaine or heroin or speed are bad for you.
Just don't lie.

[RedCappedBandit]

151. Perfect. OP would do well to read this post. nt

[Name removed]

155. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[RedCappedBandit]

157. The point, which you obviously failed to grasp, is *not* to compare marijuana to heroin or alcohol.

[Name removed]

158. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[elehhhhna]

159. Yep, DU rocks.

[B Calm]

162. Best reply in the whole thread!

[Mimosa]

161. If somebody can get pot to daughter and friend they might also supply more dangerous drugs.

Something to think about...