Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already

[kpete]

Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already


The planet's last few thousand blue whales gathered around the Greenpeace vessel Rainbow Warrior in the Bering Sea at approximately 9:45 a.m., thanking the activists on board for their good intentions, but also stating that the oceans had become so polluted, they had decided it was simply not worth going on.

"We really appreciate all you've done for us, but now you need to let us die," intoned a 170-ton blue whale through a series of deep and mournful vocalizations. "I swallowed two plastic coolers, a tire, and about a hundred gallons of oil this morning. Is that any way to live?"

The whale reportedly delivered an angry 45-minute speech complaining about the debilitating noise of naval sonar, excruciating collisions with massive ocean vessels, the lack of mates who haven't been tagged for some scientific experiment, depleted sources of krill, and the very high likelihood of getting cancer from the PCBs in the water.

"I know you've been really excited about helping us ever since that whole 'Save the Whales' craze began back in the '70s," the whale said. "But I think we can agree that the past 35 years have basically been a death march, so let's just part ways."



http://www.theonion.com/articles/suffering-blue-whales-plead-with-environmentalists,17619/

[Subdivisions]

1. And who could blame them? n/t

[mrdmk]

3. The largest living being ever to exists on the planet is not respected

I know the article is a joke, but what is happening to these animals is not...

[localroger]

6. Not the largest living thing ever

Oh whales are the largest living things now, but they're not the largest living things ever; they're not even close. But large living things need lots of energy to thrive and all those bigger animals (some of which even lived on land) are long extinct.

[mrdmk]

7. For your reading pleasure

<snip>

The Blue whale (Balaenoptera musculus) is a marine mammal belonging to the suborder of baleen whales (called Mysticeti).<3> Blue Whales can reach up to 33 metres (108 ft) in length and 180 metric tons (200 short tons)<4> or more in weight. In volume, it is currently the largest animal existing or known to have existed.

<end of snip>

link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_whale

There is more at the above link with size comparisons to other animals...

[burrowowl]

2. In these times

The Onion still manages to be satirical

[mrdmk]

4. K & R

Let's watch an Onion Article get to the top.

[tnlurker]

5. k&R

[MountainLaurel]

8. Probably not far from the truth

:cry: