Why do mothers judge one another and their parenting?

[Writer]

I found this interesting, because I was just in a restaurant with a sign that read, "This Restaurant Welcomes Parents with 'Well-Behaved Children.'"

There always seems to be tensions in the American "mommy culture." I feel that parental ethics have been marketed to us, and there are a lot of political pressures surrounding modern women today.

Another aspect of this article that bothers the hell out of me, especially after learning that my pregnant friend's husband is planning on staying at home to raise their baby, why does this only pertain to WOMEN?

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-25-mommywars25_CV_N.htm

[Warpy]

1. Raising a civilized adult is a tough job

and a critique of other parenting styles is part of it.

Don't take it personally.

I know a couple, still married, of the housedaddy and the working wife variety. Their daughter is a truly wonderful adult.

Still, I remember all the criticism they had to endure 30 years ago when they decided that was the arrangement that would work best for them.

Whatever works for you is whatever works for you. My suggestion is to take what you can use and dump the rest.

[ejpoeta]

2. we are a society in which women have kids and are responsible for said kids.

if a man stays home he is chided as being 'whipped' or there is something less than manly about him. if i were to get a job i would feel it was my responsibility to also take care of the house and make arrangements for the kids. my brain tells me that. i happen to be a stay at home mom and feel guilty that i am not bringing in income. but i also feel like people think i just sit around eating bon bons all day. that may not be the case, but i feel like people see me as less. we have a long way to go. it seems women are harder on each other than anyone else. Working women and stay at home parents.... personally i feel it has to do with the guilt. Working mothers feel guilty that they are not there with the kids and the stay at home moms feel they are not contributing enough. Uncertainty in our own choices perhaps lead us to judge each other as a way to justify our choices to ourselves.

[leftofcool]

3. Well, look at it from the Resturaunt's point of view

It isn't so much a case of mothers judging other mothers but rather a case of the establishment's wish to not have screaming children while others are trying to eat. Children should be taught to behave while in public. That does not mean there won't be accidents or sometimes a tantrum, but for the most part, resturaunts are a place for all, not just parents with children. I personally like the sign in our favorite eatery that says 'Unattended children will be given a cappucino and a free puppy." As to the second part, there is still the misconception that only women stay home to take care of babies. The world hasn't quite caught up to the idea that daddies can stay home too.

[seabeyond]

6. the vast majority of kids behave well, and each one that enters the restaurant is insulted

without having done a thing. as an adult, if there was a sign saying you are welcome, though expected to behave, i would say a big..... fuck you.

[leftofcool]

I would just ignore that or not eat there.

Or if I really wanted to have some fun, I would take my grand daughter there and encourage her to spill something, maybe talk a bit loud, and if she could muster it up, maybe throw up on the waiter. But, I am not always a nice person.

[seabeyond]

11. we work on always be nice. but we have that expectations of others.

we simply would not give them our money. i may say something to owner to let them know why, and always respectfully

[yodoobo]

4. same reasons that Democrats judge Republicans and Republicans judge Democrats

Its what people do.

I bet if we added up the minutes we all spending making judgements about others, we would be shocked at how much time has been wasted.

[seabeyond]

5. i have literally had posters tell me i am a bad momma and feel sorry for my kids. their momma

didnt do such a good job raising them to judge so harshly, so quickly, on so little.....

a bet of teasing

i have seen a lot of hate towards children. what an offensive sign that is. i would turn my family away from the restaurant and go somehwere else. really, our kids need a sign to call them out on behavior, before they have done anything wrong, assuming, expecting this of kids.

i would not use that restaurant. i would not insult my kdis so.

[stray cat]

7. Why do you judge anyone who votes republican?

people think they are right and will always judge others

[Madam Mossfern]

8. Ah, those parenting articles

and articles about parenting articles. How I do not miss them. I threw out all of my parenting books when my oldest was about 1 1/2. I just figured that he'd end up at a therapist's office blaming me for everything no matter what I did. Yes, I endured withering stares from strangers and friends, but ended up with four amazing adult children. I am always careful not to give advise unless it's asked for.

Here's a good one though ' The Tantrum Cure':

While your child is having a full blown tantrum, lie down on the floor next to him and tell him that he's doing it all wrong. Then kick your feet, pound your fists and scream really loud until he looks a bit shocked. Then get back up on your feet and say "Now, THAT'S the way its done." Worked for me; relieved stress and cured the propensity toward tantrums.

I didn't find that in any book.

[leftofcool]

10. I love it! The Tantrum Cure!

[jp11]

9. People like to be competitive, better than others,

other reasons that don't come to mind at the moment.

I doubt it only pertains to women but probably since women are traditionally and most likely numerically more often in the caregiver role interviewing them for research is easier and the like. It might also have to do with the fact that the author is a woman and felt no need to be politically correct by saying parent, if the culture isn't female specific(mommy culture) which it might be I don't know, there are studies saying women are better at this and men are better at that so that might come into play. Most of the article you can replace mother/women with father/man and it would be fine.

[Ava83]

12. I have to agree with you

I have never understood why parents judge different styles of parenting..what works for one kiddie may not work for another.

As long as the child is not physically/emotionally harmed I stay quiet. (Although I am sure there are MANY different opinions of what emotional and physical harm is)

[Toucano]

13. Everyone thinks they know best.

It's strange how competitive we are over such stupid things.

Men still compete with each other over parenting, but it's less because the mother's role is more comprehensive - covering every aspect of the child's life - in most families.

The father's role is less evident so there's less to criticize (and less to be proud of in those cases IMHO).

For the record, however, the sign said "Parents" not "mothers".

[HuckleB]

14. Some parents seem to be into diagnosing other people's children, these days, too.

And, yeah, we ran into a relative on my wife's side of the family who was aghast that our boy wasn't sleeping through the night at four-months of age. We both thought he slept well. We were less fatigued than we imagined we would be.

As a father who took care of a baby two weekdays (plus shared duties the rest of the week -- I was able to work only three days a week with my job), I did feel like I was being watched and examined by people. It might have been my own paranoia, but I'm glad our boy was Mr. Mellow. The couple times he did get cranky in public, some grandmother or another tried to intervene on my behalf, which only made things worse.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

[Berry Cool]

15. The article is irritating because it assumes moms are the primary caregivers,

which is all too common with mainstream articles on "parenting" (they're really articles on "mothering").

But I do think women are more critical of each other when it comes to parenting than men. It's because girls have been socialized since birth to cut each other down socially in terms of whether they are "female" enough in how they look, how they dress, who their friends are (just as men have been socialized since boyhood to compete on the basis of toughness and sports). Parenting is something women judge each other on harshly because they see it as so central to their identities as women. If someone else is doing it differently, well, she must be doing it wrong!!!!

[seabeyond]

17. i truly have experienced the opposite. i agree with you on the whole premise

of women being competitive with other women in those things you posted, but i dont see it in parenting. what i have experienced with mothers is an almost unconditional support unlike anything i have seen in sisterhood. especially when the kids were young, i hung out with a lot of mothers with kids same age. and regardless of whether we parented differently, or different thoughts and ideas, we were supportive and validated each other.

i told my young niece when she was having her first. there are all kinds of ways to parent, and i wont say a thing about that. i will, however say something, when you dont parent. in other words, style of parenting is unique, but when her interest rides roughshod over the child is the time i will say something. non parenting. three years later, i have never interfered or contradicted, or criticized her parenting. i have been supportive and listened, and when asked suggested, and been available to do research when she is looking for answers.

[Berry Cool]

19. Maybe you are hanging out with a good bunch.

It sure sounds like it.

[woo me with science]

16. Sometimes mothers invalidate their children over french fries.

How can anyone let that type of abuse go unchallenged?

:evilgrin:

[TexasObserver]

18. Because good parents resent weak or bad parents.

Parents judge other parents, whether they're male or female. When children are brats, it is usually a problem with both parents, not one parent. Children can survive with one good parent. Sometimes the one good parent is the mother. Sometimes it is the father.

Good parents appreciate other good parents. It takes effort to rear kids, to take them into a restaurant and not have them terrorize other patrons. Mothers and fathers alike appreciate parents who behave responsibly.