Dear Gawd! Adopted children face anguish as birth parents stalk them on Facebook

[Are_grits_groceries]

The natural parents of adopted children are increasingly using Facebook and other social networking sites to track down their offspring, flouting the usual controls and safeguards. Adoption agencies are reporting huge numbers of calls from "deeply distressed" adoptive parents whose children have been contacted out of the blue.

Jonathan Pearce, chief executive of Adoption UK, said it was having to deal with the consequences of this "intrusive and unplanned communication", and warned that it was becoming more difficult to guarantee confidentiality to adoptive parents and their children. At the moment, official contact in adoption is most often made through the "letterbox" process. The adoptive parents send the birth family a letter and photos every year via a social worker or adoption agency intermediary. If the birth parent wants to respond, they also have to go through this route.
<snip>
However, Facebook and other social networking sites have changed all this. Any scrap of information – a name, location or date of birth – can help biological parents track down their children. But the agencies warn that the existing rules protect often extremely vulnerable children. Where once adoption tended to involve a young, single woman giving up her unplanned baby, now two-thirds of adopted children have been removed because their parents abused or neglected them. In many cases, the birth parents dispute the removal, blaming social services.

One message sent to a child given up some years ago for adoption read: "Hello, I'm your birth father. I have been searching for you ever since you were stolen by social services. You look beautiful. I love you so much." Another read: "Darling son, I am so happy because I have found you here. I have been looking for ages. Please write back because you've been told lies about me." Many local authorities are now advising adoptive parents not to include photographs in their annual letters, in case these are posted online in an attempt to trace the child.

http://arbroath.blogspot.com/

Imagine your phone is ringing now with a surprise message for you...................

[LiberalLoner]

1. Wow. What a mess with this situation...esp. in cases where there was abuse. n/t

[SoCalDem]

2. Adoptive parent who help their child search probably have happier families

than the ones who try to block their children from "finding out".

It HAS to be a totally natural thing for a child to wonder who "gave them up" and why..even if they have the happiest of families


and

if someone gave up a child, that has to be an open wound that never heals, no matter how many times they tell themselves they did the best thing for the child.

Children rarely have the resources to buy their own computers & to pay for internet services, so parents of adopted kids just need to have a serious discussion with their computer-savvy kids, and they all need to be open about the issue.

I know it has to be hurtful to the adoptive parents, but it's something they had to know "might " happen someday.. Before they adopted that baby, THEY wanted to know about the birth-mother & father, so why do they think the child would not wonder as well?

If they raised that child well, they will always be the REAL parents.

[Are_grits_groceries]

3. It's natural to wonder.

However, this could be a disaster: "The natural parents of adopted children" who are searching and contacting them out of the blue.

That's the scenario that I think could be horrible. What if a person has no clue they were adopted?

[SoCalDem]

4. That fact should not be kept from them..

Adoptive parents who try to deceive their children will pay a heavy price later on.. The children usually find out later and then are not very forgiving..especially if the birth parent has passed on by the time they are "found"..

[Are_grits_groceries]

5. *should*

However, if they have no clue that they might be adopted, it could harm the person a great deal. In an ideal situation, it would work out fine. However, I don't count on the 'ideal' as the norm.

[Junkie Brewster]

11. I agree 1000%

My folks have always made it clear that they will support me if I choose to find my biological mother (I have reason to believe my biological father is dead- he was 64 when I was born nearly 40 years ago). They told my brother the same thing. He is also adopted (but from a different family, we're not biologically related)can't even stand to consider it, so as far as I know, they've never mentioned it again.

[Lyric]

6. Abusive parents should be legally barred from contacting their children in any way.

But for birth parents who weren't abusive or neglectful, the situation is a lot less clear cut. I can't see any reason why, in the absence of abuse or neglect, a birth parent shouldn't be allowed to do such a thing. I have a family member who was adopted as a newborn, and he'd give anything to know who his birth parents were. Unfortunately his adoption happened back in the 60's when this state's adoption laws were stricter and more favoring of secrecy, so it's pretty much impossible for him to get access to his records.

[Are_grits_groceries]

7. That's not the situation that I am addressing.

I am talking about someone who never knew they were adopted. Someone who knows at least has a clue if they are contacted.

[Celebration]

8. even if they knew they were adopted

I feel that it could be harmful to a young teenager to be contacted out of the blue, on Facebook.

[LeftyMom]

9. That's what happened to my kid's father.

The rules in Ohio were loosened for those born in January 1, 1971 or later. His birthday is a few days before that. As far as he knew, because of being born a few days before a totally arbitrary date, he'd never get to meet his mother.

Luckily for him, his biomom was able to track his family down via a search agency. She talked to his adoptive parents and only contacted him after they'd talked for a while and everybody agreed it would be okay. She flew out to visit, and he's gone out to visit her and her other kids. He was raised an only child, so having siblings was a neat surprise. Anyhow, turns out she only lived one town east of him when he was growing up.

Abusive parents shouldn't be able to circumvent the supervised visitation process via facebook or anything else. I would assume doing so is a violation of the removal order, if not that really ought to be corrected.

[Junkie Brewster]

10. I'm adopted, and this hadn't occured to me

I'm on the fence about searching for my bio-mom. If she tracked me down, I'd be okay with it, but I haven't been eager to assume the emotional burden of a search. My folks are extremely supportive. I can't remember a time I ever didn't know I was adopted (it probably helped that they're white and I'm not). It was a normal conversation in my close family and my extended family as well. When I got my first period at an early age, my aunt (dad's sister) said that she was my age when she got hers and it must run in the family, haha. Whenever I would complain about how weird or obnoxious my family was, my mother would sigh deeply, put her arms on my shoulders and say, "Honey, I know this is going to come as a shock, but... well, we've been lying to you. You aren't adopted. Also, being a weirdo is genetic. You're going to turn out just as weird as me," It was years before I even realized most people have mixed feelings about adoption.

The UK has open records. In the US, most states have closed records- I couldn't even get mine without the permission of my adoptive parents, even though I was over 18 when I asked for them. If you don't want someone to contact you on Facebook, it's very easy to set your privacy settings high and to ignore requests from people you don't recognize. So, yeah, you might get an unwanted contact, but I would much rather get such a contact on my computer, where I can have a stiff drink and consider it once it occurs, than to get a phone call or a visit.

[mzteris]

12. yeah, that "runs in the family thing"

I forget my son's adopted and frequently attribute his health/behaviour/smarts :) /talent/quirks/looks to "our genetics"... oops. :D

Sometimes I get some really strange looks from people.

He has always known he's adopted - would've been silly to even try to "lie" (though I wouldn't have anyway!!) - because he's black and we're not.

I guess I am a bit "concerned" about the FB thing. We had close ties with the birth mom until a very ugly incident about 4 years ago. We moved out of state for reasons not connected to the incident, but didn't tell her we were moving. If I thought she'd ever get clean and sober for more than a few months at a time, it would be different. I'm not sure she could navigate FB, but there are two older half-brothers in their 20's who probably could if they wanted to (if they're having anything to do with her these days.)

Unfortunately, she does know his adopted name so that would make it easier. I guess I should talk to him about the possibility just in case so he doesn't get blind-sided.

[Junkie Brewster]

14. It's something every adopted person has to make their peace with

The fact is that you have a physical tie to another family (actually, two families). That doesn't make them your "real" family, and it doesn't make your parents any less yours (or you any less their child). It's just something extra. At some point, you may have to deal with this- either by choice or by bad luck (for instance, you may need medical help from a genetic relation). And just as you have something to deal with, so do they- someone may want to meet his older brother, or the child he never got to meet. Hopefully, it won't happen until your child is emotionally ready for it (which may be sooner or later- I think I would have been okay with it about the time I went to college, but frankly, I doubt my older brother could deal with it today), but he should be aware of the possibility.

Anyone should be very careful what information their minor child has on Facebook anyway, adopted or not.

[Initech]

13. As scary as this is, this story would make for a really kick-ass thriller movie.

[Tailormyst]

15. As an adoptee who has reunited with her birth family, I find this disturbing

When my sister and I connected on an adoption search site we then (my BM and I)both had to write to Social services to confirm that we had the right people. This way social services knew it was something we BOTH wanted.

[kiva]

16. Interesting, and scary.

A few years ago the issues was often the opposite - birth parents (usually mothers) who had been promised anonymity were outed when adoption records were unsealed. Either of these scenarios is very unsettling. I agree with those who have said that children should always be told, and - given the current attitude toward confidentiality - it seems as though birth parents also need to be open about the situation.

[Jamastiene]

17. You can block people on Facebook.

Could that help them?

[JBoy]

18. Great cover for a pedophile. "I was just trying to track down a child we gave up for adoption"