Borowitz: New iPhone App Generates GOP Rhetoric

[Contrary1]

Republicans Insert Name ‘Kagan’ into Speeches Opposing Obama’s Supreme Court Pick

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Moments after news of President Obama’s choice for Supreme Court justice spread across Washington, congressional Republicans rushed to insert the name “Elena Kagan” into speeches opposing the President’s judicial nominee.

In the text of a speech released Sunday, hours before Ms. Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio) states, “I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path towards judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a worse choice for Supreme Court than BLANK.”

The anti-Kagan rhetoric was generated last week before Ms. Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by using a new iPhone app called iOppose.

In other news, Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa Cruz has revealed that mating between humans and Neanderthals may explain one of science's most persistent mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck.

"We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some fifteen thousand years later, in several of the Fox News Channel's primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck," said a leading genetic researcher at the university.

But while sex between humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: "While it is likely that a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who would have sex with Glenn Beck."

The discovery that Neanderthals and humans mated fifteen thousand years ago took many scientists by surprise: "Previously, we thought the first time this occurred was on 'Jersey Shore.'"

Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that it had been following Times Square bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad, “but only on Twitter.”

[lonestarnot]

1. House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio)! Democrat! Not even in jest.

Orange reptile.

[Mojeoux]

2. Boehner is an alien from another galaxy. (pass it on)

they just can't get the color right.

[Contrary1]

3. I missed that. I don't think it was in jest, I think that was a mistake. n/t