parenting teen kids drinking alcohol.

[seabeyond]

as my kids get older, i shift on my parenting. one of the things i am concerned about is the restriction/prohibition of alcohol with our children. i have family members that are alcoholic. they have died from or are living ruined lives because of it. i do not have a balanced view with alcohol. i have already made clear to husband that this will be an area for him to handle, because i do not think i have a healthy perspective. but... the last couple years thinking about the issue before they become a part of my family, i now think that the prohibition attitude towards alcohol causes an amazingly increased risk of abuse and harm. when a teen first experiments with alcohol they are approaching it from a totally inexperienced and unknown perspective. i am shifting more towards allowing my teens to experience alcohol within the home to understand the effects prior to a night out. i have always spoken of moderation with alcohol, but now i am seeing that should be not just words, but experience.

how do others feel and their experience with teens.

i saw this article on cnn, hence the interest.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/04/26/drinking.teens.parents/index.html?hpt=Sbin

Suspecting alcohol will be part of his senior prom experience, she's having him take a limo. While planning to escort him and his friends to a rented beach house for spring break this year, she expected to have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, but she wouldn't furnish alcohol, and she'd take away their car keys.

It's probably unrealistic, martha says, for parents to forbid alcohol to older teens outright. Instead, she teaches moderation, safety and responsibility.

*

Debbie Taylor says she told her son, Casey, that she didn't want him to drink while underage, but if he ever did, he was not to drive.

She wishes her message had been different.

"If I could go back, I would make it absolutely clear that I didn't want him drinking at all -- that he was underage, that it is not legal," she added. "That's what I did with his younger brother after Casey died. It was made perfectly clear to him that I didn't want him drinking at all until he was 21. And he didn't."

[madokie]

1. I think you have a healthy perspective of it

You're a good mom :hi:

[seabeyond]

5. i try....

the motto in our house.... perfectly imperfect, lol. leaves loopholes.

[no_hypocrisy]

2. Hired limos

There's a chance that alcohol will be confiscated by the driver of the limo/car for the prom. I used to work for a car service and the drivers got stuck having to clean the interiors of the cars coated with adolescent vomit, so the incentive is there to stop the process before it begins.

[ensho]

3. its a crime that many high schoolers graduate as alcoholics

and even more leave college as alcoholics

[seabeyond]

4. so, in parenting, what angle do you take? nt

[ensho]

13. way back when I raised my boys it was no drinking in HS

to my sorrow neither would go to college and one was an A student.

however their father, my father, and their father's family all were working alcoholics. they were doomed to be drinkers themselves.

in midlife one of them stopped drinking. I think.

my mother and myself never drank. which had no affect on anything being we were mere women.

sigh

[seabeyond]

22. ahhhhhh

hm

thanks ensho.

[Dappleganger]

14. Anything in excess is going to hold them back...

but from my experience in this upper-middle class area most of the kids who have addiction problems also have at least one parent or older sibling with an addiction problem (and they're in denial about it).

Know who your kid hangs out with--friends can lead just about any 'good' kid down the wrong path.

[seabeyond]

23. ya

i have been lucky in that too. having the ability and opportunity to know what is in the boys life. even thru all the conversation they have with me, especially oldest. i have always said, he willingly allows me to be a part of his experiences at least thru discussion. youngest, ..... not so much. lol

[Brickbat]

6. I have a kid who is 11, and a kid who is 7.

We've already started talking straight out about alcohol and recreational drugs with them. With alcohol, I make it clear that the law is the law. There are things that people can enjoy and use better when they are older. We have allowed our kids to do different things as they hit different ages (use a bow and arrow, drive the four-wheeler, etc.) and made it clear that they were "old enough" to do certain things at certain times. I didn't do this in the context of setting them up for waiting until 21 to drink, but I see now that it might help.

We make our expectations extremely clear to our kids. We also are realistic. Mr. Brickbat and I did not drink in high school; I went on to drink heavily in college and afterwards, though. I will hold my kids to high standards, and educate them as much as I can.

[seabeyond]

9. we do approach it from that manner. that being able to handle something is age

appropriate. and that has always worked well in this house. since we are open, and fair, they see it as a good way to walk life and listen to us. i have not shared any of my shifted thinking on the alcohol issue with my boys. as i say, i have always been extreme in view. law is the law. interesting. thanks.

[Brickbat]

17. Mr. Brickbat and I have beer or wine with dinner, and I love a good gin and tonic and he likes Irish

We allow them to have a taste if they ask. Sometimes they ask, sometimes they don't, sometimes they ask and then decide not to when they smell it. It's hard to find a line between "normalizing" and "encouraging," though. I want my kids to think it's normal but not necessary to have a drink with a meal or after working in the yard. We say that a lot, too -- it's FINE to have a beer after a long day of work, but we don't HAVE to. We enjoy it and if someone's enjoyment hurts other people or that person himself, then there's a problem.

[Dappleganger]

26. That seems quite reasonable. nt

[Ron Green]

7. I think it's not only about drinking, it's also about independence from parents.

Kids want to do forbidden things with their peers, completely out of view of parents and responsible adults. I really don't know the best way to expose them to the world of alcohol before they go out on their own, because part of what they want is to have it be totally new.

[seabeyond]

12. interesting.

my kids tend to go the opposite of norm. my oldest says there is no reason to rebel as a teen cause i give him no cause. maybe we have already covered this thru their lifetime of our parenting and environment we created.

maybe, it isnt even a concern.

well,

just listening to a few posts has changed the picture for me again, lol.

thanks

[FirstLight]

8. I have told my teen

that I think Pot is safer than alcohol, but that I also know that alcohol is more available for experimentation. I have also made it clear to him and his friends that i would prefer them be HERE, in the garage hanging out and playing pool or something, than being *out there* where the danger level is higher and they don't know what people they could run into...
I made some really stupid choices when i was a teen and thinking back, took alot of chances with people I didn't know because my judgement was impaired... but I certainly couldn't drink at home or hang out in my room with friends smoking pot (even though that was our preference)

I have been nothing but frank & honest with my teen. We, too, have alcoholism on both sides of the family... my dad is a perfect example. (He is 77 and isn't drinking as much as when I was growing up, but his behavior is still 'dry drunk')

I actually showed my teen my trancsripts from highschool. I asked him to see if he could tell where things got squirrely...and then told him that was exactly when I started partying on a regular basis on the weekends. Thank god I was never the type to come to school loaded, but I had plenty of friends who would. He has told me some tales...and his best friend has a little of that wild side, as well as a parent who will buy alcohol. Now, I don't know how responsible it is to just let them have the booze and let them go. I think a little wine with dinner is fine...my teen had half a glass at thanksgiving and didn't like it, hehe...so perhaps we are on to something.

good perspective though, about the ideas behind prohibition that drive the abuse.

I think much of that can be proven in countries where there is less prohibitive law, and the social needs of that group. I think Europeans have a much lower alcoholism rate because they drink wine from kindergarten!

[seabeyond]

15. see, i could post almost exactly your post

but curious, i looked up european statistics and france and u.s. highest rated in alcoholism. i think the binge drinking is much less though in europe.

[Dappleganger]

21. I dunno...

most of our former exchange students are on my facebook, I see their binge drinking party pictures all the time. They are mostly french, a few spanish and an italian. Sometimes I wish that I didn't see some of those pics...my babies! :(

[Walk away]

10. All family dynamics are different. You know your kids best and you....

can probably gauge the best approach. However, we all know the universal truth. If you forbid anything there is a good possibility, if their friends are doing it they will too and maybe lie about it.

I tend to think that telling them the truth and being open about your feelings and worries gives them a chance to create their own boundaries and share them with you. If you think a glass of wine at dinner is the way to introduce them to this particular drug then you are in good company. The Italian side of my family serves wine to their teens and always has. They all have grown up to be responcible adults.

[seabeyond]

16. you are probably right on. nt

[Dappleganger]

11. Our older teens are nearly 17 and 18...

we are moderate drinkers (a couple times a week, if that) and never, ever drink to excess. I think that all of them have tasted wine (none of them liked it). We don't offer drinks to teenagers but we also don't prohibit it, either...we know that kids will experiment and of course usually outright rebel when told what NOT to do. We have often discussed the need to call a cab or us for a ride if the driver has had a drink (even ONE at this age, some kids are real lightweights). I think they understand it but we shall see.

One daughter who is nearly 14, she's going to be a challenge...she loves to push the envelope as far as possible. No interest so far or even teasing about it, but it really wouldn't surprise me. There's always one wild one in the bunch, hopefully she'll be like the other two.

We're the same with weed...they knew I smoked it while on chemo, they know it's not legal here but very common and the parents are ok as long as you keep it in the house and keep it 'your business.' That seems to be ok. They understand that with jobs or job hunting they can't have it in their system (that pretty much shut them both down right away).

I really think what's important is to not lecture them but have regular chats, let them in on your thinking and give them a chance to ask questions. Don't freak out, either.

[seabeyond]

20. that is what it is and seems to consistently boil down to

open and honest and frank conversation. always. i appreciate your post.

[Dappleganger]

24. Know their friends, know their friends' parents.

That seems to be a big help. There was a mother just last year convicted of contributing to the delinquency of minors because of her holding drinking parties at her house, KNOWING that kids were driving drunk away from her property. She was doing this to apparently feel accepted and loved by her daughter's friends...WTF?? Both our kids knew about what was going on but didn't know about the drunk driving, they wrote the girl off as a 'partier'. Obviously parents like that clearly crossed the line.

A girl our oldest daughter (about to graduate) was friends with dropped out of school, began to party (drinking and drugs). We could have come down hard on our daughter to stay away, but instead we asked questions about what she thought her friend was doing. We expressed regret for the direction this girl was taking as did our daughter, and eventually she quit hanging out with her. I think if we'd come down hard that our daughter would have done the opposite. At this age you really have to take measured steps.

[seabeyond]

34. i have been lucky in that

that i have the opportunity and am able to know what is going on in their life. kids and i often talk about parenting going on elsewhere and the effects on the children, their lives, choices they make ect....

you have those parents wanting to be cool for kids friends. boys and i talk about that. my kids are kinda proud of the fact i have lines. and still, their friends hang out here, with those clear boundaries, and still like me. a plus for me anyway.

i think, with a lifetime of building the respect and trust, it allows us as parents to be able to use reason and that works with the kids.

[Dappleganger]

18. One more thing...your kids WILL make mistakes!

Keeping an open line of communication and trust is vital to helping them stay on the right path. If they go astray, you need to be there for them no matter what. Even good kids can make some BIG mistakes...I've held quite a few friends who were devastated when that happened, wondering where they went wrong. Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with THEM. Once they hit the teenage years, late teenage years you are pretty much drawing bank from how you raised them when they were little and through middle school.

Parenting is definitely not for the weak!

[seabeyond]

25. true all that.

we have an interesting mix. nephews, nieces on one side of family walk teenage years responsibly and successfully. on another side of family nieces and nephews totally fucked up. boys get to see them both. a blessing for our family, cause kids have profound visual.

[Dappleganger]

28. Some kids will watch the bad example and learn...

and some have to experience it for themselves.

Unfortunately. :(

[seabeyond]

30. so true. i was one

that missed many turns in the road cause avoided what brothers did. i dont need to experience all. same with oldest. looking like may be true with youngest. he is the iffy one. maybe not, because to this point he has continually surprised us in his non rebeling outside of home.

[TwilightGardener]

19. 21 is the law. I wouldn't give my kids alcohol, or look the other way if they tried it.

Or laugh it off as a part of "growing up". My goal is to keep them from drinking for as long as possible, to warn them of the dangers of drinking (especially by pointing out people in our family who suffer health problems now from years of alcoholism), and hopefully when they DO try it they'll be close to legal age and the fascination will die out quickly. I started drinking (socially only, not seriously) at 20, pretty much quit at 22. Never really developed a taste for it. I wish the same for my kids.

[seabeyond]

29. this is why i wanted other peoples thoughts.

i drank a couple times junior year in high school, then that was it. done, not interested. older, i would drink every handful of months, 6 months and always in excess. still do. i cannot just have a glass of wine. but then just a glass knocks me on my ass.

hubby, just a moderate drinker and doesnt effect his behavior.

thanks for your post

[TwilightGardener]

36. You are welcome. I come at this from a more disapproving angle than other parents

because my husband grew up in a household where alcohol and getting drunk was considered THE WAY to have fun and be cool. My FIL was an alcoholic who instilled in my husband the undying conviction that MANLY men love beer and drink it with every meal--or instead of a meal. I have fought with my husband over his recent habit of a nightly beer or glass of wine (or two) with dinner, because I don't want my kids to worship at the altar of alcohol the way his folks did, and to assume that that's what adults need to unwind and relax. So, he curtailed that, and now limits himself to a couple drinks a week, and stops rhapsodizing about it so much around my kids. I don't want a forbidden-fruit backlash that leads to binging and disaster, but I also don't want a "drinking is awesome and cool" message either.

[seabeyond]

38. i hear ya on that

luckily in our house we dissect the conditioned roles instead of honoring them. and you know.... they dont happen. people say it is evolutionary or biology and it isnt, simply learned, taught, and handed down.

"don't want a forbidden-fruit backlash that leads to binging and disaster"

that is it

[azmouse]

27. Unfortunately the culture in this country only shows that alcohol is for getting drunk.

I wish we could change that and show that alcohol can be used in moderation... a glass of wine with dinner or a sip or two or brandy on a cold evening, and nothing more.
Instead children are shown the spring break partiers, and adults, drinking til they are falling down drunk.
My parents seldom drank but still taught my brothers and I that alcohol can, and should, be used sparingly and can be enjoyed responsibly.

[seabeyond]

31. "alcohol is for getting drunk". exactly. this is my issue

you nailed it

[SidDithers]

32. I like the Italian approach...

Start them early to normalize alcohol. A small glass of watered-down wine with dinner will help eliminate the taboo of drinking, and goes a long way to subduing the binge drinking that older teens experience.

http://italianfood.about.com/library/snip/blsip045.htm

Sid

[FedUpWithIt All]

33. Like you i grew up with alcoholism.

I would do anything to prevent addiction in my kids. My alcoholic father died at 32 in a car accident. My mother was also an addict. Life was often violent and unstable.

It sounds like you and i have the same concerns and possibly are reaching the same conclusions about the matter.


My daughter is nearly 18 and has had a few drinks with us over the past year. She will have a half a glass of wine with dinner and she recently asked if she could have half a beer while we watched a movie. I am only aware of one other time when she drank and it was because she called me to see if it would be alright. She keeps her moderate curfew and i watch for signs of abuse like a hawk.

Having been on the extreme inside of the problems that result from alcoholism i feel that our society is pretty backward in our handling of teen alcohol use.

The mid-teen years are extremely common for experimentation with alcohol. In this country we make this a tantalizingly forbidden, yet very easily accessible thing. At the exact same moment we are allowing our kids to have control of a gigantic, potentially deadly, moving vehicles. Recipe for disaster, IMHO.

Alcohol and all the potential problems (including but certainly not limited to things like the increased likelihood of rape) are broadly discussed in our house whenever the occasion presents itself and always have been. I think alcohol should be handled in a way that lessens the mysterious appeal to younger teens. We keep alcohol in the house but only rarely drink it and when we do it is never made to seem some secretive or shameful thing. We control our intake, it does not control us.

Will all of this work? No idea. I am just fumbling my way through this parenting thing but i did receive this in a letter from my 17 yr old recently...

"And I was thinking about this. And I thought of you and how so much of who I am and what I have been able to do is because of you. Reebok tennis shoes, Christmases, pretty bedrooms and new clothes every school year, were awesome. But you gave us so much more as well. The things you have taught me and the talks that we have had. The memories. Me and my sisters sat around remembering our favorites for hours the other day. That's the stuff that really sticks. It means so much having those things. Like a little token to keep in your pocket. Something that gives you strength and comfort when things are hard. You gave stability, something I know you didn't have.

I feel strong as a person. I feel like I know who I am. I feel like I have found good things and good people to surround myself with. All of this would be nothing if I didn't know you were there, my support. I am honored to have you be so much a part of me. "

Hopefully, we are on the right path.

:hi:

[seabeyond]

35. wow

lol. i love your post. was agreeing with you thru out. but wow.... i love the email you got. that is great. thanks for sharing.

[FedUpWithIt All]

40. Thanks...

:hug:

I think it is mostly all listening, talking, adaptability and love. :)

[chrisa]

37. The problem is the "Get Drunk" culture.

With this could possibly come death by alcohol poisoning or car accidents, as well as rape, or other horrible things.

Imo, Teens just aren't ready to drink yet, because they still have the "bullet proof" mentality, and just don't care if you tell them that alcohol can kill them. They do not believe that they can die with such ease. This mentality continues even into college. That's why, imo, the drinking age of 21 should not change.

[seabeyond]

39. "Get Drunk" . another poster pointed this out

and though we often have talked about booze and drugs, i have never addressed it as the get drunk culture. i have talked about moderation, but didnt think about this point. i think we will have a discussion on the get drunk perspective at dinner. our time for lots of talk. we bring in different subjects. thanks

[TuxedoKat]

41. Good article thanks for sharing it

I have many talks about this with my 13 year old daughter. We have alcoholism on both sides of our family too. She was adopted though so even though there is no biological concern there, there may be some alcoholism in her biological family, so that and just having first-hand experience with it unfortunately. One thing I keep stressing with her is the need to have a healthy respect for alcohol, that one needs to be in control of it, not it in control of you. That last part seemed to hit home with her... hope it sticks. Then I talk about ramifications about not being in control -- drunk driving, date/acquaintance rape, alcohol poisoning, the pain and havoc alcoholism has caused both the alcoholics in our family and the ones who love them, my own few experiences of drinking too much a few times and the unpleasant aftermath which made me learn not to repeat the experience!

Also, adolescent brains (developing up to age 25) should not be exposed to alcohol as the effects are unknown. Somewhere I read once that someone likened it to a new house being built (no roof yet) and getting rained on -- some damage may occur.

With all that in mind, I feel similarly about it as you do -- moderated experience may be necessary later on. When she is a much older teen I may let her try it in the home, to remove the curiosity. I have let her try sips of wine or beer occassionally, as my dad did with me. She doesn't like it much but that can change. We don't drink that much anyway. My husband rarely drinks -- usually only at social functions outside the home and I'm pretty much the same.

This is a good book about issues like drinking, etc., for teens: The Six Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens by Sean Covey.

[Toasterlad]

42. America Retains Many Puritanical (read: Immature) Attitudes, Particularly Regarding Alcohol and Sex

Both are handled much more maturely in Europe, and, consequently, problems stemming from their misuse are much less severe.

Even if you teach your child that both alcohol and sex can be positive parts of life when used responsibly, society in general is still going to step in with the "look how naughty!" sensibility that fucks up most of your efforts.

Must be hard to raise a well-adjusted child in this backwards-ass country.

[seabeyond]

43. what really makes it tough in the u.s. is extreme of puritanical to all porn all the time

females worth is service, one way or another. virginal subservient or a whore to service.

if both sides would knock it off and just let kids be, they could figure it out in a natural and healthy way.

u.s. and france are tied with alcoholism. i dont see europe having all that over us.