Short discussion on child abuse.

[Stuart G]

I have many acquaintances who are victims of child abuse. They come from all walks of life and economic backgrounds.
As adults these people have rotten relationships, alcoholism, drug abuse, anger, uncontrolled fear and much more. The list is endless. Most are hurt for the rest of their lives.
Those that commit these acts should be treated with contempt. The stories in the news are but the tip of the iceberg. This is far more common than we know. It is a world wide tragedy.

[LWolf]

1. k&r

[Hello_Kitty]

2. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

And it's past time we stopped pretending that everyone is.

[Stuart G]

3. Well put, what you said is so true. nt

[SocialistLez]

4. +1

I'm child free and it amazes me how some people STILL think I "need" to have kids when I tell them I don't like kids.

I ask them, "So you'd rather me have kids even though I don't like them." Some reply yes and some just get quiet.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

5. I'm amazed at how many people tell others.....

...."Your life is worthless without having kids."

[SocialistLez]

6. I get that too. It helps that

over time I've developed witty responses courtesy: http://www.happilychildfree.com/bingo.htm

[Stuart G]

7. What is amazing to me is so many think that they have some kind of

insite into other people's minds. Some people don't want children because they themselves had a lousy time when they were children.
What business is it of someone else to but into the single most important decision that people can make. Lots of people knnow they would make bad parents, so they don't have children. For them, and for everyone else that is the correct decision. Especially for those kids that are not wanted.

[elehhhhna]

11. lol misery loves company

[fishwax]

28. no kidding

That drives me nuts.

[madmom]

29. I don't want to hijack this thread because it is SO important but...

I also hear the "Your life is worthless without having ...." just put god in the blank. My daughter has chosen to be child free AND god free her grandmother has all but disowned her and so have several cousins. Can't imagine the strength she must have at times. She has asked me several times if she is wrong to feel this way..I tell her she must do what is right for HER not everyone else. I wish I had her strength, they don't know what they are missing, she is a beautiful person!

[SocialistLez]

34. Sounds like me.

I'm god free, child free and male free.

She isn't wrong at all. The people judging her are wrong.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

35. ....and that's even more obnoxious....

How does one know what one feels in their heart or head about religion, spirituality and God? I guess you only "have God" or a spirit if you make a display of yourself at church every Sunday. Which is really what this whole thing is about. Appearances.

[tblue37]

12. I am surprised that they don't then insist that if you had your own kids,

you would like them! That's what my childless friends hear all the time.

[Bettie]

22. I'm glad you know yourself well enough to know you don't want to be a parent.

Too many people have kids when they are not equipped to be parents.

People thought my DH and I were crazy to wait ten years into our marriage to have ours, but we wanted to be sure we wanted them and were ready.

In the end, everyone needs to do what feels right for them.

[elehhhhna]

10. We don't all get the parents we deserve

I was thunderstruck when I first heard that

[Shell Beau]

15. No many people aren't, and they don't realize it until they have kids.

Many are just repeating that vicious cycle. It is definitely sad. Children don't deserve it.

[LiberalLoner]

8. Thank you for this rop

Thank you for this. Most people in my life have expected me to suck it up and get over it. I was raped and abused in a thousand different ways from a very early age, and raped as as adult woman a couple of times too. I have severe PTSD and depression as a result. I will NEVER be normal. I have struggled every day of my life just to stay alive and not self-harm.

Most people have no compassion and no understanding that crap like this changes you for life. Yes, I've managed to go to college and have a successful marriage and I worked most of my life in various jobs, but I find it nearly impossible to socialize and have friends, and I knew I would never be able to have children. I knew I could not possibly be a good parent, too many demons inside me I was struggling with so to speak.

I just have gotten so tired of people expecting that you ought to be able to just forget about it and "it's no big deal" and "move on." Screw those people.

[Old Codger]

13. I have seen

The results of abuse time and time again, my wife and I are foster parents and deal with these results on a daily basis, it is appalling to me that the bio parents of these children are out and about and in most cases with no repercussions for these acts.

[LiberalLoner]

18. Thank you for taking these kids in and helping them. n/t

[Old Codger]

20. surprisingly (or maybe not really)

We feel that we gain as much as the kids do, more foster homes are needed though,never enough.

[Stuart G]

19. Very important...post above this..what LiberalLoner says

really is true. You can't just forget about it..."it's no big deal" others say. How do they know? Only those who have been there know. We recover in different ways from different kinds of abuse. It is a big deal if you think that you are worthless, and buy into that positive thinking crap. Some abusive thoughts never leave

We have to make peace with these thoughts somehow. And it ain't easy. As the Loner says.."Screw those people.."

[undergroundpanther]

31. abuse scars last forever

I Dunno if I can ever feel at peace in this life.I wish I was not born.I wish for escape.From my past, my own head,the emotions.The dread.The bleakness.I want to stop the constant barrage of demands from bills,from my damn body that''s falling apart,I wish I had a place that was safe to land when the crash comes again..

[Bettie]

23. You've done what you can to move past it

That is all any of us can do.

It is sad that socializing is so hard for you. I had to work pretty hard at getting to the point of being able to have friends and I sill often feel like I'm on the outside of the circle, trying to fit in. I really don't fit in, but I have a merry band of weirdos who I hang around with who also don't quite fit.

There is no sucking it up and getting over it. There is only learning to live with it.

Just surviving is a struggle some days.

[Liberal_in_LA]

9. K&R

[Shell Beau]

14. What is sad also is that is it is a cycle.

It will be repeated by many.

[Jackpine Radical]

16. I have seen this story repeated thousands of times.

I mean, literally, thousands of times. I'm an old psychologist, been working with very injured people for a long time. Sometimes I think I'm seeing the current generation of multigenerational abuse that started in the Peloponnesian war.

Let me say to everyone that good therapy can really help.

[Shell Beau]

17. I find that some go the complete opposite of what their parents (or whoever) were,

and many become their parents. I really hope that the abused do get help. They need and deserve it.

[Jackpine Radical]

26. I've heard it said that the two most common products of abusive childhoods are

abusers and therapists.

[undergroundpanther]

33. Actually a life of misery is it's product and it's production.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is one of the largest investigations ever conducted on the links between childhood maltreatment and later-life health and well-being. As a collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente's Health Appraisal Clinic in San Diego, Health Maintenance Organization (HMO) members undergoing a comprehensive physical examination provided detailed information about their childhood experience of abuse, neglect, and family dysfunction. Over 17,000 members chose to participate. To date, over 50 scientific articles have been published and over 100 conference and workshop presentations have been made.

The ACE Study findings suggest that these experiences are major risk factors for the leading causes of illness and death as well as poor quality of life in the United States. Progress in preventing and recovering from the nation's worst health and social problems is likely to benefit from the understanding that many of these problems arise as a consequence of adverse childhood experiences.



http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/

[Jackpine Radical]

37. Yes, you're exactly right.

Major Findings

Childhood abuse, neglect, and exposure to other traumatic stressors which we term adverse childhood experiences (ACE) are common. Almost two-thirds of our study participants reported at least one ACE, and more than one in five reported three or more ACE. The short- and long-term outcomes of these childhood exposures include a multitude of health and social problems. The ACE Study uses the ACE Score, which is a count of the total number of ACE respondents reported. The ACE Score is used to assess the total amount of stress during childhood and has demonstrated that as the number of ACE increase, the risk for the following health problems increases in a strong and graded fashion:

alcoholism and alcohol abuse
chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)
depression
fetal death
health-related quality of life
illicit drug use
ischemic heart disease (IHD)
liver disease
risk for intimate partner violence
multiple sexual partners
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
smoking
suicide attempts
unintended pregnancies
In addition, the ACE Study has also demonstrated that the ACE Score has a strong and graded relationship to health-related behaviors and outcomes during childhood and adolescence including early initiation of smoking, sexual activity, and illicit drug use, adolescent pregnancies, and suicide attempts. Finally, as the number of ACE increases the number of co-occurring or “co-morbid” conditions increases.

[Bettie]

21. I am a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse

And I manage to live a productive life. I'm a decent mom, a little too quick to anger sometimes, but I'm aware of it and would never lay a hand on one of my children in anger.

Too many people are destroyed by what happens to them. I guess I'm just too stubborn for that. I decided one day that I wasn't going to let my father win this game and I began to move forward and give myself the life I deserve. It wasn't easy and I still have horrific flashbacks some days, but I have a great husband and wonderful kids (though, they are really loud) and I managed to get through my life.

My father is held in contempt my most, but because he has chosen to waste his own life and potential on self-pity and self-induced failure than any knowledge of what happened to me.

I have told my brothers and their families and I've kept track of him and made sure I called and informed anyone he was dating who had kids of what he did. Other than this secondary contact, I do not speak to him or have him in my life.

When my first baby was born, he came to see him and was shocked that I would not let him hold my tiny son. I told him he gave up that right when I was three years old and he began abusing me.

The really amazing thing is that he still doesn't think what he did to me was wrong. He thinks I've chosen to see his "training" of me as something evil and wrong, even though he "got me ready" to be a married woman.

Oh, and he's a "tea party patriot" too.

So, really, he's disgusting on all levels.

In the end though, people who abuse children should go to prison for a very long time. Pedophiles cannot be cured and letting them into society is damaging to everyone.

Bettie

[LiberalLoner]

25. I'm sorry for what you went through. n/t

[Tikki]

30. Hurray for great husbands...

Many times they have never experienced the childhood anguishes of their partners...
But a good man is just that.

Tikki

p.s. Plus I got a great father-in-law, also.

[Bettie]

36. You can say that again.

My DH is the most wonderful guy I've ever known. He's my best friend and my one and only love.

We've been married for twenty years, together for four more than that. We've been through the loss of our first child, three miscarriages, and my housework avoidance disorder and people still assume we're newly married when they first meet us.

Without him, I would not have managed to live my life as fully as I have, he makes me feel safe and that is the most important thing of all.

My FIL is great too.

Now, I am raising three boys and I think they will be wonderful men like their father.

Now, I'm all teary eyed and I'm going to go snuggle with my beloved.

[ensho]

24. true! and it is a world wide tragedy

nt

[mrs_p]

27. and some end up abusing their own children

perpetuating the cycle. i pray in my family it ends with me.

[undergroundpanther]

32. It ends with me

Because I knew as a kid that I did not want kids.I don't like kids.And I cannot stand the thought of forcing someone to be born into this horrible cruel,dying world with too many assholes in it.