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Three Steps to Negotiating Roles and Boundaries
Clearly communicate expectations. In inter-ethnic marriages, the margin for communication lapses is narrow because spouses frequently have radically different and emotionally charged assumptions about important issues. Hope, whose single mom worked outside the home while raising five children, always intended to return to work after her maternity leave. Stephen, however, expected Hope to stay home with Tim for at least the first few years, as his mother had done with him.
In time, through active listening, Stephen began to understand both Hope's emotional turmoil about forfeiting the gains that she had made as the company's first African-American female and her financial fears, having witnessed her mother's and sisters' financial ruin at the hands of African-American men. Hope understood Stephen's request for her to stay home as a desired parenting value rather than as a demand and attempt to control her.
Define clear roles. Now that Stephen and Hope are listening to one another, it is important to clarify their expectations. Stephen had very clear but unconscious expectations about how their house should be kept – and about who did the keeping. Hope very consciously expected Stephen to share the household duties whether she was home or not. Having clarified their expectations, their task is to learn how to negotiate their roles rather than rely on their personal cultural assumptions.
Be flexible. Ultimately, inter-ethnic marriage demands more flexibility than other marriages. Inter-ethnic couples must remain particularly attuned to their partner's perspectives and actively avoid rigid maintenance of assumptions. Many of Stephen and Hope's difficulties could have been avoided if they had anticipated and talked about the major shifts required by Tim's birth.
In the short term, Stephen must become more physically and emotionally available to Hope – a significant challenge for a man of Scandinavian heritage. Hope, whose culture taught her that men walk away from their responsibilities, needs to trust in her husband's love for her and their son even amidst his hectic work schedule. Over the long term, their ongoing marital health will require perpetual, constant adjustments of their assumptions as they face new challenges.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/marriage_challenges/marriage_in_the_melting_pot/overcoming_role_confusion_and_boundary_threats.aspx
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