I just want to thank all of you

[Craftsman]

I just want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a paper towel.



I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.



I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing
while flipping through the adult movie channels.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose
(although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons
of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.





I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS

to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use
a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing...



ALSO,

now I have to scrub the top of
every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings

because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all,

but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.



I no longer eat KFC

because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with
no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants

even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.






THANKS TO ALL OF YOU

I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.





I no longer can buy gasoline

without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
back seat when I'm pumping gas.





I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper

since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.



I no longer use Saran Wrap
in the microwave because it causes cancer.



AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up
in my face... disfiguring me for life.





I no longer check the coin return on pay phones

because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.





I no longer go to shopping malls

because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.





I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex

since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.





I no longer shop at Target

since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.





I no longer answer the phone

because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .






I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus

since I now have their recipe.





THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.





AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.





I can no longer drive my car

because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!





I can't do any gardening

because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off...







If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your backside, causing you to grow a hairy hump...I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .




Oh, by the way.....






A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy

study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

[zbdent]

1. I'm sorry, was that me?

delete dupe to you, too ...

[TwilightGardener]

2. The first five items you list are totally me, anymore. No more lemon slices

in my drinks, always a paper towel on the bathroom door handle, pull off hotel room bedspreads and wipe off phones and remotes and headboards with anti-bacterial handy-wipes...sometimes I feel I'm slowly going nutz.

[asjr]

3. Thank you for the great laugh of the day. I can

always depend on DU.

[tjwash]

4. Mom?

Is that you?

You forgot about washing any vegetables you buy at the grocery store with soap and hot water because of the threat of hepatitis because the people that picked them didn't wash their hands.

[malaise]

5. LOL

I've seen this before but it's just as funny the second time. :D

[lpbk2713]

6. But do you still eat at Olive Garden?

Very important. :eyes:

[snagglepuss]

7. LOL. Thanks for posting. nt