Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

[Blue State Blues]

the Onion
NOVEMBER 14, 2009 | ISSUE 45•46

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

More at:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/area_man_passionate_defender_of

[NutmegYankee]

1. Ah - America's finest news source.

Isn't it sad that satire so closely mirrors reality now?

[BR_Parkway]

2. That sounds like truth, not the Onion

[Learning Nomad]

3. It may be the Onion, but I know people that are just like

the article describes.

[liberaltrucker]

4. Welcome to DU!

Were you the 150,000th?

:hi:

[barbtries]

5. this one had me going

til i saw the link. too many people for which this is really the case to be funny imo

[QC]

6. Does he obsess over Trotskyites infiltrating his favorite website?

That would be really weird if he did.

[Historic NY]

7. The same ones that insist its forescore & seven year ago too..so help me God.

[Iggo]

8. 'Area Man' always cracks me up.

:rofl: