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Recently, there have been a number of threads on DU:GD, in which the topic of a possible "men’s issues" forum has been discussed. I’ve made a few brief comments on some of these threads. In one, I added a few thoughts that I hoped might be of some value to others; that post resulted in what I believed were thoughtful responses, and so I thought that I might attempt an OP on the topic.
I’ll start with my "resume." I was raised in what politely might be called a "dysfunctional" family, the youngest of five children. Our family was poor, due to some changes in the economic system – the railroad my extended family found employment on went bankrupt. There were unhealthy, unhappy roles for everyone: male and female, young and old. For many years, I considered the fourth line in the first chapter of the 1973 book "The Sixteenth Round" to be an accurate description: "The kindest thing that I can say about my childhood is that I survived it." Looking back today, however, I am convinced it provided me with an apprenticeship in how not to live and think.
There’s an old adage, that if at a party of 100 people, 98 speak English, and 2 French, within a short time, those two will find each other. Thus, I married a truly decent girlfriend, at an early age. We had two sons, and then she felt a need to "find herself." She got the house, two cars, and part of my paycheck. I got custody of our two young sons.
Separation and divorce tend to bring out the worst in people. I can honestly tell you that I did the best I could for my sons. But, being honest with myself, I must also say that I made mistakes. Recognizing that, I decided to attend one of the local men’s support groups.
The problem soon came into sharper focus: there were no local groups of that nature. But, because both my downstairs neighbor (recently separated) and I had approached a number of other guys in similar circumstances, and there was both interest and a need, we began our own group.
I have a number of spiral notebooks from those days, in which I kept an on-going journal of my own experiences, including my impressions of the group members and dynamics. There was, of course, a wide range in perspectives. People process life experiences very differently. Some guys were sad; others were angry; and many had increased their consumption of intoxicating substances. Some blamed themselves, others blamed their ex. And, though fewer in number, there were guys who clearly had a greater understanding of their role, including their rights and responsibilities. Looking back on these journals, I suspect that our living rooms had been transformed into a classroom. And, like most classrooms, what a person invested in it
I was employed as a psychiatric social worker. Between that and the many responsibilities involved in (single) parenting, my social life was not one illustrated by a grand fireworks display. However, as a retired amateur boxer, I was comfortable in my relative seclusion. I had general plan to raise the boys, and see them off to college, before considering any serious relationship with a female of the opposite sex.
Sure thing, self. As John sang, life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. I became friends with a new co-worker, and then my Yoko Only. My life fast-forwarded to eventually getting married, and having two daughters. Living in our large, old house, the six of us have had an adventure in modern family life. That includes most of the "good," as well as some of the "bad" things that people experience in their homes.
Decades of employment in the field of human services has made it clear beyond any debate that human beings of both sexes, any sexual orientation, and of all ages can be violent. That violence can manifest itself in many, many ways. It can be physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, financial, and more often than not, combines with others to create a synergism that degrades, damages, and destroys people.
More, just as there can be hell inside a household, it spills out into the streets, schools, churches, work place, and other social/civic/political institutions. The truth is that our culture cannot institute meaningful, progressive changes in these arenas, when we remain trapped in the mire of an unhealthy conflict between the sexes. To make meaningful, progressive changes on the outside, we must begin on the inside. People must think differently, before they can possibly be expected to act differently. And, while it may seem a very small step – having a DU men’s group – but those who bemoan a lack of opportunity too often fail to recognize that small doors sometimes open into large rooms. Not only that, but any journey of a thousand miles must begin with that first small step.
I fully endorse the proposal for a DU men’s group.
Thank you,
H2O Man
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