What are my fellow DU parents feeling right now?

[Squatch]

My son is only 2 years old, but I am dreading the day that I send him off to college already. This event is making me queezy when I think about my boy having to face all alone the harsh and brutal reality that exists in our world today.

[mike_c]

1. then you have lost....

The world is filled with frightening events and misery. Many of our memories will inevitably be painful. We go on. If we want satisfying lives we have to live in the world without fearing it.

[Squatch]

4. I didn't say I was going to lock him up in a padded room for the rest of his life

I naturally worry about him and his safety, as his parent. It's my job and it's not going to get easier when he goes off to college.

[EFerrari]

14. If I had small kids today, I'd be googling "padded rooms"

and pricing ankle beepers.

[Squatch]

20. Yeah

What makes this especially tough is I have cadets in my company who are enrolled in VT ROTC. All but one are accounted for...

[EFerrari]

21. Crossing everything.

:hug:

[Squatch]

26. Thanks. Me, too.

[EFerrari]

8. There was a moment for me, too, when I realized that my kids

were vulnerable and I also felt terrible, terrible vertigo. That moment should have a name because I suspect most parents have it. "The Obvious Moment" or something.

[AverageJoe]

38. The moment came for me about a year and a half ago

I woke up early and for some reason went into my son's room--this was sometime around his third birthday--and he was gone. The light was on, but he wasn't in there. I searched the house and couldn't find him, so I woke up my wife. We were both panic stricken, even more so when we realized we had left a door unlocked during the night. I ran out to the yard and started calling his name and when I got no response I went back inside and called 911. While I was on the phone with the dispatcher, my son wandered out from my wife's and my bedroom. He had, for some reason, gone in there during the night and fell asleep in a corner, the one place in the house, I swear, that I hadn't looked.

I did not know the meaning of fear until that morning. Nobody can know the depths of a parent's fears until they become one.

I am bleeding for everyone associated with the tragedy at Virginian Tech.

[renate]

50. my heart's pounding just reading your story

And my heart absolutely aches for the parents of the kids who are dead or injured.

I think it was Anne Lamott who said (or maybe she was just quoting someone else?) that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body.

[EFerrari]

54. Omg. It's just like that. I literally thought, "the world REALLY has me now."

But, they're also great hearts and thirty odd years in, I'm so glad for them. lol

[Atman]

53. I agree...my sister-in-law has become paralyzed with fear for her children.

Did I mention she's a total Fox-watcher? She's convinced that the world is out to get her children and do terrible horrible things to them. After all, it's all over the news, haven't you heard? We've tried talking "odds" in a population of 300,000,000, but none of it will do. She's paranoid that even in her little New Hampshire hamlet, terrorists and rapists and molesters are after her kids at any given moment.

Unfortunately, it is the kids who suffer most. They lose their childhood, they lose their innocence. We played the opposite line with our kids; we encouraged involvement, going outside and exploring, but armed with basic child-appropriate knowledge regarding strange guys with lost puppies, etc. They grew up fine, un-paranoid, mentally healthy kids. And they hate Bush, too, so that's a bonus.

.

[Taverner]

2. Well this may or may not make you feel better

Statistically, he'll be more in danger driving than he would be going to college.

[Squatch]

5. That's actually some good subtle humor.

:toast:

[EFerrari]

3. I called my son. He's at work but I wanted to hear his voice.

I also miss teaching today because those students are going to need support. :(

[uppityperson]

6. I feel sorrow for those involved, and for all of us when we realize pain can happen to us.

Part of being a parent is recognizing and dealing with the fact that at some point something bad will happen to your child and you will not be able to prevent it. It is a difficult and scary thing but it is universal and I recall my parents saying this about we kids also. Peace to all.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

7. I'm feeling...

that this is an isolated event. And it's going to be exploited by the media like all other isolated criminal acts. And to be frightened by it is to be a sucker for fear mongernig.

[Squatch]

9. .

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

13. Can we cut the quasi-9-11 crap, please?

The whole "everything's different now" thing?

[Squatch]

15. .

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

22. Hey, you asked.

Maybe you shouldn't watch the news?

:shrug:

[EFerrari]

19. Have you seen this thread by H2O Man?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=666952&mesg_id=666952

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

24. I saw it.

Wasn't sure what he was trying to say, though.

[EFerrari]

29. I think the deal is, people don't actively make community much

any more. So, we aren't as close to or as aware of our neighbors or coworkers and that allows things to go to hell a lot faster because we don't know each other and don't have much of a stake in each other.

Please don't tell H2O Man about this paraphrase.

lol

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

33. Ah.

I generally disregard the idea that things are different now than they used to be. You're just hearing it more on the news. People have always been committing murder/suicide.

That said, I would like more public effort going into mental health treatment.

[EFerrari]

40. It's true that there have always been acts of awful violence.

But, imho, it's also true that in this particular culture, we've never been great at family or community on the whole. That can be tracked to those "pull yourself up" Puritans (for one) but also to simple things like no sidewalks in suburbs, one driver to a car -- that kind of thing -- that tends to push us into isolation.

I don't believe in Golden Ages, either. But, I see how in my Latino family, for example, we make job choices based on staying close to the tribe. There are now about 54 of us, lol, in this area. My ex's family didn't have that value and he is the last in the line. So, it's not so much that things have deteriorated but that choices have been made that did get us to today -- as far as I can tell, anyway.

Another way to see: Community is one of the huge attractions to the fundamentalist movement, not God or religion per se, but community.

edit: grammammar

[sandnsea]

31. If we accept this as routine

that is the day we are completely lost as a people. This has nothing to do with 9/11. It has to do with the sickness in our culture that can lead to an all out war on the streets if we don't start making some changes. This vile hate that starts on the radio and extends to our own Congress, spills out all over the streets and across the ocean into wars. It's got to stop. This incident can be a catalyst to get people to change course. I doubt that it will be. But surely it shouldn't be shrugged off as just another day in America. That would be as tragic as the shooting itself.

[EFerrari]

34. People have all kinds of reactions to these events.

We're going to see a lot of them today.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

35. It's not routine, it's isolated.

That's what I'm saying. You don't have to worry about your kid getting shot when he goes out to school. If you're going to worry about something, worry about actual, valid concerns. Make sure he knows to look both ways before crossing the street. Make sure he knows what Mr. Yuk stickers mean.

[sandnsea]

61. Which is why it's shocking

We take care of the routine dangers on our own. We have to join together to respond to dangers out of the ordinary, that's the point. We can't do it alone. And these things do happen here more than in the rest of the world, we do have a real problem. It's cultural - laws aren't going to fix this.

[ourbluenation]

10. Mr. Ourblue went by the house and hugged our college student son.

who's home for lunch.

[ElizabethDC]

11. Well, I'm a college student

and my mom e-mailed me and told me to be extra safe and careful. I know she always worries about my safety when I'm so far away from home, but events like this only serve to underscore her concern.

[EFerrari]

12. She's a Mom, what do you expect?

Here's a :hug: for you, well named college student.

lol

[ElizabethDC]

32. Thanks!

Haha, yeah, she's super over-protective (which I've learned to appreciate!) and I know it kills her to have me a thousand miles from home.

[EFerrari]

45. My mom was super over-protective, too. Once she made a guy

shut down a ferris wheel I was on because she didn't think it looks safe. Was THAT embarrassing.

But, I grew up knowing without a doubt that my life was valuable and that was a good thing to know.

:)

[Marrah_G]

16. I have a freshman and a junior in high school

How am I feeling? Shocked and sad. Tears for the parents who lost their children today. Tears for so many wasted promising lives.

And yes scared for my children. So much chaos and destruction going on in the world around us. There isn't anything I can do but try to instill the need for education in them and teach them to be self-sufficient and to care about the people and world around them.

This is some mind-numbingly frightening shit for parents to see but I refuse to let that over-whelm reason and logic.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

17. My daughter is in her second year at college

If this would have taken place during her freshman year it would have been harder on me not to jump in the fear wagon, but I still want to think I'd have made the choice not to. As it is now I know that she's safe on her campus and I don't feel any urge to recommend they tighten their security there. She's at a greater risk in her commute to and from work everyday to be honest. The fact is this type of event could have taken place anyplace including a workplace. I won't let irrational fear destroy mine nor my daughters ability to live our lives to the fullest everyday.

I bet that by the time you send your little one off to college you'll feel much the same way. :hug:

[etherealtruth]

18. I feel like tethering them all to me ...

Unrealistic ... yes, would I if I really could (they're 11-25) ... No
Do I believe that would actually make them safe ... No

That, however, is what I am feeling.

[blondeatlast]

23. Please read this and reconsider:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x667843

[gollygee]

25. The world can be a scary place

it really always has been, but when stuff like this happens it reminds me.

The world is also a wonderful place. But yes, I worry about what could possibly happen to my daughter. Worry is part of a parent's life.

[bluethruandthru]

27. I know three kids who attend Virginia Tech.

They are friends of my daughter and all went to high school together. Thank God they are all safe, but I can't imagine the terror their parents felt today before they knew their kids were okay.

[tnlefty]

28. Very sad as there are going to be some very devastated people who

will learn that their lives were shattered today because someone shot their kid.

[lukasahero]

30. Probably the same thing our parents felt when they saw the news about Kent State

I understand your concern and the moment of realization you are facing but parents of every generation face the same fear. Parents of every generation worry about sending their children into a world that is full of chaos and uncertainty. That's why it's so important to make sure they know you love them every day. And that's not just for children.

Hang in there. :hug:

[MoonRiver]

36. Unfortunately, the violence is present long before college.

High school and even junior high shootings have happened. This type of violence was very rare when my kids were in school. I just don't know what to say. Hopefully your child will be in good schools with strong security. I know that starting in jr. high the presence of armed police officers in school buildings is common. Sad commentary on the state of our country.

[shireen]

37. it takes courage to be a parent

I'm single. But I get very upset when my friends' kids have problems; I hurt for them and will do whatever possible to help them. I feel deep sadness for the children, not only in this country, but across the world who are, and will be victims of the Bush administration for decades to come. DUers who are parents feel the same as I do about kids in general, but they also have, at a deeply personal level, the added anxiety for their own kids. I cannot begin to imagine what that's like, and I don't think I could handle it. If I cannot protect my kids 100%, i'd go insane. It takes deep strength and courage to be a parent.

[seemunkee]

39. I have one child in college and one leaving in the fall

I don't fear for them, I'm excited and happy that they are getting out in the world.
My son is currently on work/study break and touring/performing in Europe. Half the time I don't even know what city he is in.
The college my daughter is heading for is located in the city named one of the safest in the country.

[FightingIrish]

41. My son is in his second year of college far from home.

Six weeks into his freshman year he was beaten, robbed and left paralyzed with a severe spinal chord injury. He fought back and, after two challenging years in a whhelchair, he is getting close to walking again. I know the horror of that phone call and the long, agonizing haul that the families of many of the survivors will face. I cannot imagine losing a child in these circumstances, but we came awfully close.

[redwitch]

71. I am so sorry.

I wish him and those who love him, continued strength and healing, sounds like he is determined. :hug:

[etherealtruth]

72. Oh, that is truly horrible

My oldest child was severely injured in a car accident at 20 (a driver had a seizure while driving) ... though, very different circumstances ... I know what "the phone call" feels like ... there was some question whether my son would walk again ... he walks with canes ...but, he walks!

Well wishes for you and yours

[FightingIrish]

73. Miracles do happen

The only person promising my son would walk again was my son himself. He was an oustanding soccer player and just didn't have quit in his vocabulary. I'm delighted to hear that your son has progressed so far. My son is transitioning from crutches to a cane. We really do learn from our children.

[northofdenali]

75. What a brave young man -

and what a tribute to you as his parent that he's able to fight so admirably.

My daughter is a grad student - of COURSE I called her, even though she's several hundred miles from VT. A parent's concerns and fears don't diminish with the child's age.

:hug:

[RB TexLa]

42. Not a parent here. This just goes on my list of reasons I'm glad I don't raise children

number 459958 or so of things I never have to worry about.

[wtmusic]

44. Ask any one of the parents of the kids who died

if they regretted having them in the first place.

No connection.

[RB TexLa]

48. Huh? I didn't say anything about parents or anything they think or feel

I just said it is something I never have to worry about.

[EFerrari]

51. What about your neighbors' kids or your friends' kids?

:)

[wtmusic]

43. Sick

We must do more to address the root of this problem. All the metal detectors in the world won't stop it.

[mmonk]

46. Sadness and empathy. I have a son in college.

[Midlodemocrat]

47. Sick to my stomach until about 1 hour ago.

I live here, in VA and a lot of my friends have kids at Tech. In addition, my daughter has a quite a few friends there, she's a junior in high school.

Until we were able to discover, about an hour ago, that all the kids we knew were safe, it was a pretty shitty experience. I couldn't get through to one kid, it kept bouncing to 'all circuits are busy'.

It reminded me of trying to reach my brothers in the Empire State Building on 9/11. The sheer futility and desperate hope that everyone is okay.

One of my friends has a friend whose daughter saw the gunman shoot and kill her RA. So this is pretty real for us.

[EFerrari]

55. Like trying to reach ANYONE in this family right after Loma Prieta.

I didn't know it but they ALL went to the ballpark and telephones were useless for hours and hours.

I'm glad you've had good news so far. :(

[Midlodemocrat]

57. We have. Thanks.

But I'm so very sad for those families. :cry:

[EFerrari]

60. It's unspeakable.

:hug:

[marlakay]

49. Just had fight with husband over guns

My friends from Australia on another blog told me they outlawed guns there awhile back and things are great now. Said it was sad our gun lobbies and corporations keep us from being able to do that.

We have one daughter in college now at SF state. What is it going to take to make them listen? A whole university or elementary school dead? Where does it stop??

Is our freedom of arms worth this??

[Rosa Luxemburg]

52. a lot of Iraqi parents are also thinking that too

[T Wolf]

56. As the father of a CWRU alumna who graduated days after the shooting

at that school three years ago, it does produce a bad rumbling in my stomach.

As many here today have said, compassion seems to be driven (in many people) by personal connection. I also think that (unfortunately) part of the connection is due to our human fascination with things from the dark side of our humanity.

Squatch, you have a long time (though it will seem to have passed in a heartbeat when he does go off in 2024) to prepare your son for that big bad world. Hopefully, things will be better by then all around. Until then, do your best - teach him to be questioning and interested in the world; let him learn to make his own decisions; and impart whatever "wisdom" you think you have. But most of all, show him that you love him by being involved in his life. That is really the only "weapon" we have as parents.

Who you will then send off will be someone who stands the best chance of thriving. There are no guarantees - you just want to better the odds.

As JT says, "The secret of life is enjoying the passing of time." It is the voyage, not the destination.

[av8rdave]

58. I have a son in college, and am about to send my daughter off

It's scary, but the best you can do is prepare them for whatever you can. There is no way to protect them from every possible danger. However, times like these certainly make you think....and worry.

My heart goes out to those affected.

[Bake]

59. On 9/11, my daughter was in NYC in school

Just a few blocks north of the WTC. We were scared to death, unable to reach her by phone for hours; we finally reached her via IM. Today, my youngest child -- my son -- in in college 700 miles away. It doesn't get any easier. You send your child off to college and HOPE they'll be safe. But you worry.

Bake

[EFerrari]

63. It's the job. It doesn't get easier, you just get used to living with it.

Or, you try. I called both of my sons today.

[deutsey]

62. It reminds me just how fragile the supposedly safe family enclave I've made

for my three young children really is.

:evilfrown:

[Maat]

64. I so relate to this thread ...

here I am with a Master's in Psychology and seven years' experience with Child Protective Services (have been retired from that for several years now), and yet .... I felt like driving to my ten-year-old's school and hugging her.

[Rex]

65. We have no idea as to the intent, don't let this scare you about college.

Far more likely to get hit by lightening, twice.

[Lurking Dem]

66. I sent my son out of state to college at 16.

This is killing me.

And what I feel isn't even a pinprick of an iota of what those affected are feeling.

[Horse with no Name]

67. Feeling sad for the kids but

in every era, violence has permeated this culture.
America was NEVER Utopia.
Both of my kids are in college.
I didn't dread that anymore than I dreaded kindergarten.

[mcar]

68. My son is a college sophomore

in NC. I spent several years being terrified that he would be drafted. Now I have the more usual worries about his well-being. This tragedy just adds another layer of worry.

At the same time, by the time he was about 17, I knew he was ready to go off and handle the world on his own (more or less). Horrible things happen to children all over the world every day and random accidents happen as well. I learned a long time ago that if I worried about them all, I'd be the one in the padded room.

Believe me, I'm not taking this lightly - who could? I know, though, that my son is safer in his college, even after today's horrible events, than are the majority of 19 year olds anywhere else.

So today I continue to pray for his safety and mourn for the lives lost.:hug:

[Norrin Radd]

69. Fear is an instinct. It helps keep you and yours safe.

It will also remind you to prepare and practice for challenging times. Just don't let it rule you.

[redwitch]

70. My oldest goes to college in a city.

I don't worry about him getting killed, he lives in a reasonably safe place, he is sensible. I worried CONSTANTLY when he lived home and drove a car. The driving thing was scarier for me.

What happened today makes me sick to my stomach. I can imagine all too well what the parents of VATech students must be feeling. And I can't even let myself think of what the phone call to the loved ones of the dead and wounded would feel like. My sons are precious to me, their loss through such an incident would change my life so profoundly I can't bear thinking about it.

[orleans]

74. it's okay--he won't be all alone. he'll always have you.

n/t

[Hekate]

76. College kids are more likely to die of drinking contests freshman year...

Hundreds and hundreds of college kids die as a consequence of alcohol abuse. They're gonna drink -- but they should know, among other things, that 5 drinks in a row is a binge, and that chugging vodka on a dare can literally kill you. You can protect your kids with knowledge.

I mention this to take your mind off school shootings, which are really rare.

The world is random, but here's one hazard you can teach your kids to avoid, just like you teach them to look both ways before crossing the street -- in the crosswalk -- at the green light.

After my son's awful bicycle accident when he was 16, one of the hospital nurses in his room said she bet I was going to ground him forever from bicycles. I was rubbing his feet at the time, and said for his benefit that as much as it hurts a parent to see their kid get hurt, you cannot wrap them in cotton wool to protect them from growing up...

I'm so grateful my kids are now 29 and 31, and I'm glad not to have to do it over again! They both pulled some hair-raising stunts and they are now fine adults. My son rides a motorcycle now, which I try hard not to think about, but he grew up to be a defensive driver.

Hug :hug: your little boy and don't dwell on what might be. We could be hit by a meteorite tomorrow -- or, lol, the fundies could get their wish and get Raptured.

Be well,
Hekate

>Magnitude of Alcohol-Related Mortality and Morbidity Among US College Students Aged 18-24
> ....we calculated the alcohol-related unintentional injury deaths
> and other health problems among college students ages 18–24 in 1998
> and 2001. Among college students ages 18–24 ... alcohol-related
> unintentional injury deaths increased from nearly 1600 to more than
> 1700, an increase of 6% per college population. The proportion ...
> who reported driving under the influence of alcohol increased from
> 26.5% to 31.4%, an increase from 2.3 million students to 2.8 million.
> During both years more than 500,000 students were unintentionally
> injured because of drinking and more than 600,000 were hit/assaulted
> by another drinking student.
http://arjournals.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146%2Fannurev.publhealth.26.021304.144652

[SeattleGirl]

77. Not so very well.

My daughter's sister attended Thurston High School in Springfield, Oregon, when the shootings happened there. My daughter attended that school until about 2 months before the shootings. Both girls lost friends that day; my sisters took care of the wounded. I am profoundly grateful that my daughter was here, and that her sister was late for school that day.

But this has been a very upsetting day for the three of us. I have relived that day, this whole day long. My heart goes out to the families and friends of those who where lost and wounded today. An experience like this never goes away. Ever.

[Tiggeroshii]

78. The only way to live your life is to take these risks.

A certain way not to, would be by doing all those things necessary to avoid them.

[pecwae]

79. Having lost my son

almost 9 years ago I am heartsick for the parents whose world was made surreal yesterday. All the futures cut short, all the loving words left unsaid, all the guilt for not being able to protect your child.

[babydollhead]

80. I'm sorry about your loss of your son.

[seabeyond]

81. my first son was born 10 days after okl city bombing. we live just over 3 hours away

shit happens. to all kinds of good people all over the world. it is life. we deal with it. every day. whatever it is that is given to us.

how do i feel about sending kids to school, or to college? there are so many other things i will worry about besides the lone crazed that shoots up a school. our children being gunned down in school is not even on my radar as concerns. in the 12 yrs of my oldest son i have seen so much joy, love, excitement, giggles, pure laughter,... along with all the other emotions that come with such a young age. nothing but life has touched him. we keep him safe as much as we can and let it go after that.

i am not afraid of the extraordinary. we deal more in the every day of growing up. keeps us well occupied.

[Beausoir]

82. Heartbroken for all those parents who lost their hearts yesterday.

My oldest is 11.

Yesterday I realized that whether he's 1, 11 or 21, he will always be my baby and I will always try to protect him.