My mother refused to put her dog to sleep and it scares the sh*t out of me (please read).

[anneboleyn]

Thank you so much for reading this post and I hope this is the correct forum. It has been on my mind and making me anxious. This is the first time I have posted a "personal" remark to DU. Let me try to explain the situation and then I would very much appreciate your thoughts. Please be forewarned that the description of the animal's death is slightly graphic. I also understand that the question of putting an animal to sleep is a very complicated one.

Several months ago my parents' dog died very painfully after suffering for a long period of time. Just prior to this I had been diagnosed with a serious, rare form of a major illness that is permanent and life-shattering. I am not in imminent danger of death but at some point this will be a reality of my condition. I am not sure if my parents' emotional reaction to my condition is related to the situation with the dog but it seems to me (and some of my friends) that there may be a link.

The dog was very advanced in age and suffered from several significant illnesses, severe pain, and advanced dementia. The dog was incapable of independent behavior (he would stand in a corner and then collapse and that was the extent of his life. He could not walk or eat on his own). He defecated and urinated on himself all day, every day for weeks before his death. My parents took him to the vet repeatedly and the vet urged them, in the two or so months prior to his death, to consider seriously putting him to sleep. The vet had discovered that the dog had major health problems that were causing him severe pain (including an untreatable form of cancer that had spread) and contributing to the dog's obvious anxiety. But my mother refused to put the dog to sleep, ignoring pleas that the dog was in terrible pain. She used to believe that animals should not suffer at the end of their lives and she had always thought that putting a suffering animal to sleep was a valid action in the right circumstances. However, in this case, she ignored the arguments of relatives, the vet, and friends, and refused to put the dog to sleep, arguing that death is a natural process that should not be disrupted (not that the dog was not in pain -- she did not seem to care that the dog was in pain). The dog finally died in excruciating pain over a period of two days, howling and yelping in agony, with blood pouring out of his mouth. My mother still does not believe that the dog should have died any other way.

The whole situation disturbed me deeply because it did not seem to be typical behavior for my mother, who has conventionally been a loving, empathetic person. But with the dog it seemed that her desire for the dog to be alive trumped the dog's suffering. She has also been odd since I was diagnosed with my illness, focusing on superficial things and becoming visibly uncomfortable and dismissive if anyone discusses the pain I suffer or the possibility of disease progression. Her strange lack of empathy worries me, especially as I think about my medical care in the future.

Your thoughts, experiences, recommendations, etc. are very welcome. Thank you.

[SoCalDem]

1. You need to see a lawyer and get an advanced directive

and power of attorney given to someone you trust to do what YOU want..

I hope you are well now, and will be for a long time, but it sounds as if your Mother is out of touch with reality, and not the person you would want making decisions for you..

many people rationalize how the would want things to be, but when push comes to shove, they will do just about anything to keep that other person/pet alive..for THEM..

I had to fight that impulse like crazy when our beloved cat got cancer.. We tried surgery, chemo, weekly visits for "treatments" to relieve fluid buildup, and finally realized that there would be no "coming out of it", and we had to let her go.. In her case, though, she seemed to be in little pain.. she ate on the day she died, and even played "mousie" with my husband.. she purred, and she seemed very calm.. We made an appointment to have her euthanized on a Monday, and on Sunday afternoon, she died in my husband's lap.. just took her last breath, and she was no more.. it was almost as if she waited for us to decide what should be done, and then she relieved us of the guilt..:cry:


Your Mother seems to have been unable to do what was best for the dog..and it's something she'll have to live with, but you should makes sure she would not be the person to decide things for you..

[SmileyRose]

10. Seconded.

I've been in the situation of wishing a loved one had advanced directive multiple times. SoCalDems suggestion is the right answer. Love your mom enough to protect yourself while she works out whatever she needs to work out.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

13. Thirded if there is such a thing.

[MADem]

15. Fourth'd.

I waited a bit before I did what I had to do for my dog. It's a natural impulse to hope they will get better.

You make your decisions. If you let your mother do it for you, you might not be in agreement with her choices.

[lumberjack_jeff]

23. Very good advice. n/t

[anneboleyn]

30. Yes, thank you, very good points. I do have a form filed with my doctor and the form indicates

who I would like to be responsible for my health care, but I am afraid of ending up in a situation where my mother has some control over my treatment. I am now worried that she may be suffering from an early form of dementia or other problem that is complicating some of the decisions that she is making.

[Beacool]

45. Fifth'd, is that even a word?

I'm so sorry that you have a life altering illness, my heart goes out to you.

I think that your mother's reaction to the dog's illness is connected to your diagnosis. I think that your mom is in serious denial and by not talking about it is trying to will it away. Well, she couldn't will the dog's illness away and neither can she will away your condition.

I guess that you have tried to talk to her about her feelings about your illness to no avail. It may be that your mom needs some professional counseling, sooner or later she's going to have to face reality.

I wish you the best of luck with your health and your mom.

God Bless!!!

;)

[Blasphemer]

2. It sounds like she is scared

It does seems clear that her reaction to the dog is linked to her feelings about your diagnosis. I don't think it is a lack of empathy - she is just plain scared. Naturally, the thought of losing you distresses her and it's normal to want to cling to those we love even if we rationally know that it is futile. It's very difficult that those who are closest to us are the ones that have to make those very painful decisions related to death vs. suffering. I don't really have any recommendations based on experience... I'm sure other DU'ers will. Have the two of you had a serious discussion about your illness?

[anneboleyn]

39. I have tried. She tends to only "hear" so much and then shuts down completely.

It is very disheartening (my husband has also tried to talk with her but with similar results). She can only handle so much and then she sort of tunes out and becomes visibly uncomfortable.

[Hello_Kitty]

3. First of all, let me extend a (belated) welcome to DU and my condolences for your situation

The only suggestion I would make is to consult an attorney and make sure your wishes are fully detailed in a living will.

[anneboleyn]

36. Thank you for the welcome! I do have a will, mainly because of this situation -- and I am in my 30s.

I had never thought of the importance of a will until this situation happened and the reality of my condition.

[Donnachaidh]

4. get a DNR form - now!

My stepmother basically did the same thing. However, she had a vet that was talking her into more and more questionable treatments - to the tune of the neighborhood of ten thousand dollars over the course of about a year. The dog was blind, had no bowel control, and would have seizures DAILY.

The dog died when it wandered out the doggie door and fell in the pool! I was so angry with her over the amount of pain this animal was in I told her I thought she had committed suicide. It's selfish to force a creature to deal with the amount of pain (the dog was riddled with cancer - even in her sinuses), and mean. It's not like she hadn't owned other dogs, and when they became too old and sick she didn't have a problem putting them down.

Take control of your wishes while you can. If I was in your position I wouldn't want to entrust her with THAT decision.

[anneboleyn]

29. Thank you so much for your responses. I do have this form filed with my GP and stated in my will.

It is so disturbing to me to witness thsi behavior -- this was a woman who loved and cared for animals my entire life and then just seemed to lose all empathy with this particular dog. She would hold the dog against its will (it would struggle in a feeble way to get away) and deny that the dog was in distress or in pain. Sigh.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

5. One Of Two Things:

Either she loved the dog selfishly in that regardless of his pain, she still wanted to hold onto him as long as possible; or your illness and the realities of it are completely messing her up mentally, causing her to just simply block out anything that forces the reality upon her.

I'd suspect the latter. But if so, please know it isn't her fault nor in her control. The brain is incredibly powerful and can do an amazing amount of things beyond one's control when in duress. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart. That would be a good first step.

[madrchsod]

6. i had to decide whether or not to continue my mothers treatment

my mother suffered a massive stroke at age 82. the doctor told my sisters and me that he could try to contain the damage but the out look was not good.we decided that further treatment would be pointless.

i think she does`t want to face death whether it`s the dogs ,yours,or hers. and yes, you should find a person who you trust to do what you wish.

[LisaL]

7. Maybe she thought of the dog as if the dog were human.

In which case she obviously couldn't have put the dog to sleep.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

8. You're brave to post all this,

and I applaud you for taking this step. DU is filled with good people, good, smart, compassionate people, and I expect you'll get a lot of helpful responses. But, given the lateness of the hour, at least here on the East Coast, make sure you kick this up tomorrow morning - or I'll do it, if you won't be online. This needs to be seen by a lot of people.

I'm sorry for all that you've endured, and I hope your medical condition is manageable and that they find out a lot more about it really soon.

My first impression, given what you told about your mother's behavior, is that your illness, and the possibility of losing you, has so frightened her that she's turned her back on the idea of death. Yours, the dog's, all forms of death. She is watching the details and paying attention to things that seem insignificant because she can control the small things.

Just as she could control the dog's life and death. Even though the dog was in pain, your mother's fear kept her from doing what she knew - deep down, she knew - what was the right thing.

Your mother - and this might be hard for you to take in at this point - is in a whole lot of pain herself right now, fearful and scared and hurting. She can't talk about the concept of you being in pain, because it is unthinkable for her, it is too painful for her. She needs to push it away, to ignore it as much as possible, to refuse to think about it, certainly to plan for it or to deal with it.

My own mother was like this. Once, when I was in the hospital, after a plane crash in which I'd been seriously injured, and I finally called to tell them where I was - I'd put it off because I knew what would happen - she said to me, after I explained to her where I was and what had happened, "Tangerine, we don't need to hear things like this. We only want to hear the good news."

Some people are like that. It's incredibly hurtful for the child of such people, and now, with your medical condition, where you are going to need your mother, you're in a terrible bind.

How long ago was your diagnosis, and how long ago was the dog's passing?

It may be that she just needs some time to get used to the idea of you being sick. Maybe she's still in shock. Denial is a powerful, powerful thing, maybe the most powerful thing in the world, and you're up against a really difficult opponent.

I would, if I were you, give it a bit of time. If you're healthy right now, and don't need her help, that buys you time and gives her a chance to get used to the reality. But, be selfish, and start investigating other ways in which you can be taken care of. Sounds heartless, I know, but practicality very often seems cold, when, in fact, plans do have to be made.

Is there someone she trusts, a best friend or a priest, minister, rabbi to whom you might tell your story? Maybe they know her in a way different than you do as a daughter, and maybe they can offer some strategy or some ideas.

Ultimately, of course, the most basic truth is that you will have to try to talk with your mother about your fears, and hers. How you are worried about your future, that she won't be there for you, that she'll be unable to help you.

Maybe she won't be able to help you. Maybe that's what she'll have to admit, and what you'll have to come to grips with. Some people just fold when it gets that hard, and their fears own them. They go paralyzed, and no matter how tortured they are, no matter how much they truly want to do something, they are unable.

Be gentle with yourself, and be gentle with your mother. Give it some time. Maybe she'll come around, come down from the shock.

But, do plan to talk with her, and it may be that you'll have to write her a letter - you're a great writer - because a face-to-face might be too difficult for her.

Whatever happens, my dear, you have a place in my heart, and I wish you both the best of everything. I hope it all goes well for you, for both of you ..................

:hug:

[anneboleyn]

34. And thank you for such a brilliant and compassionate reply! Really, everyone, thank you so much.

This whole experience has been so terribly difficult. I never in my young life imagined that I would be diagnosed with a life-changing illness (it is a very rare form of cancer). And people can have very odd reactions -- I have found that many people become fearful when they talk to me and they either try to determine whether or not they will "catch" such an illness or they change the subject quickly or they tend to be dismissive (you are young -- this couldn't possibly kill you!).

It helped me a great deal to hear your own story. My mother's reactions have been at times very hard to understand, and this helps me contextualize the situation in a more positive light (otherwise I tend to feel abandoned by one of the people I need the most during such a terrible time). She does have problems with extreme forms of denial in other areas of her life so it makes sense to me that she is also slipping into this mode again, in this situation.

I was diagnosed over a year ago and the dog passed away about eight months ago (so it happened a few months after my diagnosis).

[Mz Pip]

9. I can only echo some of the above

recommendations. I don't know what state you live in but definitely check with an attorney about advance directives. HEre's some info on it.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/advancedirectives.html

It sounds a bit like your mom is dealing with some serious denial issues and the dog just magnified them. She may have on one level recognized that the dog was suffering but rationalized its suffering to fit into whatever reality she created. If you can get her to a therapist maybe it will help her confront her fears.

[sojourner]

11. one way of dealing with fear is denial...to pretend that the feared situation does not exist...

you don't say how old you are, but that could well play into things (I'm a mom to 5 kids and I've grown/changed a great deal since they first became adults)-- you might be your mother's first opportunity to deal with her own mortality and at the same time a very challenging threat to the idea that mothers can protect their children.

i definitely see her reaction to the death of the family pet as her "projecting" that denial of pain/suffering (which she must truly fear facing) onto the dog.

if you would like to see if mom can come to terms with her fears, perhaps she would agree to see a therapist with you so that you can talk about the "realities" that you both must learn to accept (about your condition) -- it may be that she'll be able to break through that wall of denial and actually become a support for you as you progress through your life (and the disease/condition) --

failing that, you can try talking with her very forthrightly, helping her see how her reactions are affecting your assessment of her ability to help you when/if the time should come --

and lastly, just as others have already proposed, get good medical advice and as much knowledge as possible so that you can construct a durable power of attorney that spells out your own wishes

[tavalon]

28. That is what I did with my feared cancer

It left me way vulnerable when reality inevitably reared its ugly head.

[anneboleyn]

32. Thank you also for such a thoughtful response. I am a young woman (early 30s). Our grandparents

are gone but in some ways she never seemed to come to terms with the loss of her parents. It never became "real."

[sojourner]

43. that sort of supports the "denial" of mortality in general, and that

mom's got a handy response to the anxieties that arise (denial). It's not uncommon.

When my own father passed with cancer, I experienced something that I believe to be very informative about our reactions to grief and loss - especially death:

6 weeks after Dad's passing I took to bed due to excessive bleeding caused by fibroid tumors, and waited for the bleeding to stop --- it had been heavy before but always stopped. I waited for days. It barely abated. My children came to see me because they heard I was "sick". My daughters were in late 20s, one of them an Emergency Medical Technician and firefighter and the other an outstanding student (who won a full ride scholarship to University of California in Environmental Engineering).

Firefighter (previously a massage therapist) gave me a foot massage. Other children sat with me and visited, joked, trying to lift my spirits (or was it their own?). My partner felt for a heartbeat while I slept that night, and he got a doctor to admit me to the hospital next day == and I required 3 units of blood and iron, could not sit upright without passing out because blood pressure so low.

How did my children miss the dire condition I was in? How did I so easily dismiss it? Even my mother made soup for me, and told me stories about how when she had similar problem it had been so much worse.

My educated guess: we were collectively suffering from the loss of a beloved family member, and we apparently could not face the possibility of another death. So we minimized the threat, and remained oblivious to the fact that I was bleeding to death. Only my partner, not a part of our family dynamic, recognized and responded to the situation appropriately.

This was a huge learning experience for me. Me with my Graduate degree in psychology, my kids -- one of whom routinely went out on emergency medical calls and demonstrated great competence. All of us seemingly blind to the imminent threat of death because I guess we couldn't handle the idea of losing anyone else. It's a human response to a threat that seems unbearable. I feel for your mother and for you -- I pray that you find a way to cope with this and that your mother finds the strength to face her own terrible fear.

Blessings, Sojourner

[anneboleyn]

46. Wonderful response and your thoughts on this are very insightful.

Reading about your experience (and I am very relieved to know that you are better now -- fibroids can be excruciating and very dangerous, as you endured) makes me think that my mother is in a similar state -- a state of acute denial in which the real possibility of the loss of a child just seems impossible.

My husband made a comment to her about the possibility of losing me and my mother didn't believe it could happen -- "not before her birthday next year." I was shocked that she would think in a way that seemed so simplistic. Because it is so hard for me to deal with my own feelings about my condition this makes matters even more difficult.

[bemildred]

12. Although nominally illegal, it is pretty easy for a well-informed person to deal with these issues

without outside assistance (barring some sort of relatively unlikely medical combination of incapacitation short of death.) In any case it is not difficult to be prepared to take direct action when the time is right. Dealing with it yourself also relieves your loved ones of making these difficult decisions on less than complete information. I'm sorry about the dog.

[roody]

14. How old is she?

[anneboleyn]

31. In her mid 60s. I worry that she may be developing some form of dementia. She is also terrified of

doctors, hospitals, and her own mortality. She also used to be brave about these matters as well and taught me well as a child but now there is a definite change in her attitude -- a very obvious fear and inability to cope.

Dementia does run in our family (grandparents developed it in their early seventies)

[sandnsea]

16. Probably need a grief support group

or therapist. Bless her heart, it sounds like she's just all bundled up with grief and fear and uncertainty.

[csziggy]

17. So many here have already given good advice

But do get an advanced directive and power of attorney as well as a health care surrogate set up. I don't know what state you are in, but Florida has very good information and forms that are downloadable and appropriate for their laws:

What is an advance directive?

It is a written or oral statement about how you want medical decisions made should you not be able to make them yourself and/or it can express your wish to make an anatomical donation after death. Some people make advance directives when they are diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Others put their wishes into writing while they are healthy, often as part of their estate planning.

Three types of advance directives are:

* A Living Will
* A Health Care Surrogate Designation
* An Anatomical Donation

You might choose to complete one, two, or all three of these forms. This pamphlet provides information to help you decide what will best serve your needs.
What is a living will?

It is a written or oral statement of the kind of medical care you want or do not want if you become unable to make your own decisions. It is called a living will because it takes effect while you are still living. You may wish to speak to your health care provider or attorney to be certain you have completed the living will in a way that your wishes will be understood.
What is a health care surrogate designation?

It is a document naming another person as your representative to make medical decisions for you if you are unable to make them yourself. You can include instructions about any treatment you want or do not want, similar to a living will. You can also designate an alternate surrogate.
http://www.floridahealthfinder.gov/reports-guides/advance-directives.shtml

I worry because my husband does not believe in letting pets or people go. He's let his pets suffer as they get close to their end time. Since I have been through several health crises in the last ten years, I have executed those forms and designated someone else to be my health care surrogate. I know I cannot trust my husband to allow the choices I have told him I want made so it will be out of his hands.

I also warned him to get his own forms drawn up since he wants to be maintained no matter what, even if he is brain dead. If I am the one to make the decision, the plug will be pulled, so if he wants a different treatment, he better have someone else calling the shots!

I found the Florida forms by searching for "Florida advanced health care directive" - try it for your state.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way and for your mother, too. :hug:

[anneboleyn]

40. Thank you, and I admire your decision -- that is tough but I agree with your p.o.v.

Not your husband's. There is suffering that is far worse than death but unfortunately this isn't always recognized by those who are not in that situation. I am in full agreement with you as regards end of life matters. I do have a will with info about my wishes concerning medical matters so I hope this will be sufficient. I will also do additional research in my state.

[csziggy]

44. Before we had health insurance I worried about all our money going to pay for a terminal illness

Now I just don't want a long drawn out death.

Remember, your will won't come out until you are dead. That is why a living will or advanced health care directive is needed - to be consulted when you get sick. For my most recent surgery, the out patient center asked if I had the AHCD and a designated health care surrogate and wanted copies, just in case something went wrong. That is why I was up to date on this - my surgery was just June 4.

I think it is good that more people are making these decisions ahead of time and not leaving it up in the air for their loved ones to deal with in a time filled with enough turmoil.

Good wishes!

[madeline_con]

18. I agree with Blasphemer. Your mom is scared of losing you, she

does not lack empathy. When you finish the legal documents, tell her your wishes. It may spark the conversatin the two of you need to have. :hug:

[hay rick]

19. Sometimes people change as they age.

Your post suggests that you are upset not only by the inhumane treatment of the dog but also because you see a change in your mother's behavior. Both your parents are alive but you place the blame for the dog's unnecessary suffering squarely on your mother.

The argument that death should occur "naturally" doesn't square with making frequent trips to the vet. Your mother may be encountering her own set of problems.

[anneboleyn]

37. I should have mentioned that my stepfather felt that the dog should be put to sleep (but would not

argue against my mother as he tends to always defer to her wishes). He felt very guilty about the situation during and afterwards.

[kestrel91316]

20. This is indeed disturbing. Regardless of what the problem is,

whether your mom is getting senile, or has emotional issues, or just doesn't give a damn, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow either of your parents to have any say in your medical care if you become incapacitated. Talk to an attorney and set up IN ADVANCE arrangements as to who will have medical power of attorney and can make decisions for you when you can't. Clearly spell out what you do and don't want in the way of life-prolonging measures.

We finally were able to get this on my mom, who was batshit insane for decades but would never submit to an evaluation so we could get MPOA and force her to take antipsychotics. We only got it done when she was in the hospital for a dissecting aneurysm and the docs all said YEP, SHE'S BATSHIT INSANE and can't make medical decisions for herself. So now she gets all the meds she needs, including antipsychotics, and is SAFELY esconced in assisted living.

Your situation is very different, but still, you do not want your mom to have the power to defy your wishes (which it sounds like she just might do) and put you on every form of life support imaginable for however long they can keep your heart beating. Someone who respects your wishes needs to have MPOA. In our case, if our mom weren't BATSHIT INSANE, lol, we know she would want the care she's getting. And she also wouldn't want heroics if things get worse.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

21. Kick

[distantearlywarning]

22. Agree with other comments in this thread.

Get a lawyer and tell him/her your situation. Get them to draw up a DNR, and an advanced directive, for someone who you can trust to make decisions for you and who will not be influenced by your mother.

[BrklynLiberal]

24. I cannot add anything to the good advice you have already gotten in this thread.

I am sure this is all very painful for you, and for your Mom. No Mother wants to have to contemplate losing their child. I am sure the unusual reaction to her dog's illness was compounded by her having to deal with your illness as well.
I wish you and your Mother well. As said above, be gentle on yourself and your Mom. Talk to her about this.
Please keep us updated.

[anneboleyn]

41. Thank you, I will keep everyone updated. Thank you all for your responses!

[DemBones DemBones]

25. Besides getting the right legal papers, be sure that

your doctor will go along with your wishes. Some doctors don't like DNRs and keep trying to save a patient when it's past any reasonable hope. We didn't have any problems with my parents or in-laws' deaths; they called the shots on what was done without any trouble from their doctors, but you want to be sure for yourself so sound out your doctors. If you don't want to be resuscitated, you also should not allow anyone to call 911 for you since paramedics have to try to resuscitate patients.

I'm sorry for your illness and sorry that your mother's problems are adding to your troubles. I think she's afraid, as others have said. But you have to look out for yourself. It's only practical to give your medical power of attorney to a younger person, anyway, as you may well outlive your mother.

[anneboleyn]

38. Yes, thank you for your suggestion. I did do this -- my husband and a younger relative.

[renate]

26. kick

It must be frightening to think of what your mother's reaction to your illness might be... luckily you have an autonomy that her poor, poor dog didn't have. (What a heartbreaking story that was.) There may be someone you can talk to at the hospital--a social worker, an ombudsman?--who can make sure that you have all your paperwork and directives totally squared away before she ever gets to play a role in your medical decision-making. It might be tough for her... well, it WILL be tough for her, that's unavoidable... but you may just have to tell her that this is YOUR decision and, even though she's your mom who loves you dearly, not hers.

I am truly sorry that you're having to deal with this concern on top of your health problems, which sound more than stressful enough. :hug:

[tavalon]

27. Advanced Directive for you and encourage therapy for her

She clearly has issues related to letting go.

Make sure you protect yourself first and get in writing what you want to happen at the end of your life. Unless your mother gets therapy, you need to make sure she doesn't have any influence over what happens to you at the end. She clearly isn't emotionally equipped to handle that.

[KamaAina]

33. Well, nothing we can do about the dog

but as for yourself, we have a Disability forum (second referral today!)

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=250

Also there will be a sister agency to mine near you.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=8892361&mesg_id=8893155

:hi:

edit: Poor doggie. :(

[ThirdWorldJohn]

35. I think that women do not want to put an end to the life oa person or dog that they hold so dear.

So they settle for the denial of reality. Denying the pain and suffering so they do not have to face it and in the dog's case be the reason for its death.

[rug]

42. www.caringinfo.org

800/658-8898

http://www.caringinfo.org/userfiles/File/Indiana.pdf

[anneboleyn]

47. Thank you, very helpful.

[dysfunctional press]

48. my neighbor is going through the same behaviour with one of his dogs...

and it's REALLY starting to piss me off. in the past week he's spent $2500 at the vet for a dog that is in pain, and needs to go. i'm trying my best to steer him in the right direction without offending him, and it isn't easy. today they pulled all of the dog's teeth, and he's scheduled an ultrasound for thursday because of a mass they found in his stomach. i dog-sat for him last night, and the dog is really in bad shape and a lot of pain. it makes me angry when people put their animals through such agony out of a twisted idea of 'love'...:grr:

YOU need to make out a 'living will', and legally designate someone to carry out your wishes.

[Maru Kitteh]

49. Get some joint counseling with your parents RIGHT AWAY - and then - lawyer up

1. Have a medical power of attorney drawn up and in the can that names someone you trust absolutely to follow your wishes if you become incapacitated.

2. Advance Health Care Directive - formulate one and make sure it's water-tight.

3. Living Will, make sure it's water-tight too.

4. Make sure everyone and their mother has a copy of these documents and that all your wishes are widely known.

I'm sorry to hear you are ill. I hope you enjoy a healthful and happy life while you are here, and that your relationship with your mom comes to peace. You absolutely deserve to have your wishes respected.