I Love You, Man (as a Friend)

[ruggerson]

WELCOME to the flip side of homophobia.

Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

“I’m flattered, and I think it’s hilarious,” Kris Allen told People.com recently, responding to the news that his former roommate and runner-up on “American Idol,” Adam Lambert, had a crush on him.

Mr. Lambert, who favors black eyeliner and leather pants, had told Rolling Stone that Mr. Allen, an aw-shucks Christian from Arkansas, was “the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show — nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type — except that he has a wife.”

This all went down in the same interview in which Mr. Lambert finally confirmed the long-simmering rumor that, yep, he’s gay.

Mr. Allen’s cool, self-assured response to being the object of his gay roommate’s affection doesn’t exactly qualify him as a civil rights hero, not at a time when straight men march against Proposition 8 in California and the most anticipated gay-themed film of the year, “Brüno,” is coming from a straight (if highly waxed) comedian.

But do give him credit for overcoming one of the most common deal-killers in friendships between straight and gay men: the awkward crush.

The kinship between gay men and straight women is familiar to the point of cliché (see: “Sex and the City,” “Will and Grace,” Kathy Griffin’s audience, etc.), but friendships between gay and straight men have barely registered on the pop culture radar, perhaps because they resist easy classification. For every sweeping statement one can make about such friendships, there is a real-life counter example to undermine the stereotypes. And as with all friendships, no two are exactly alike.

But as America’s openly gay minority becomes more visibly interwoven into society — a 2007 poll by the Pew Research Center found that 4 out of 10 respondents had a close friend or family member who was a gay man or a lesbian — the straight world becomes more aware of the gay world. Although male friends of opposite orientations can face formidable obstacles — sexuality, language, peer pressure, inequality — there seems to be more mutual appreciation and common ground.

“The younger generation understands the spectrum and fluidity of sexuality much more than generations of the past,” said Tom Bourdon, director of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Center at Tufts University. “Most liberal-minded straight guys today could say they have gay friends, and people wouldn’t bat an eye.”

Pop culture has also been picking up on this, serving up gay characters who have broken out of old stereotypes. In “I Love You, Man,” Andy Samberg plays a fist-bumping sports nut who is gay but makes the straight man, Paul Rudd, look prissy. On “The Sarah Silverman Program,” the gay couple acts so pathologically straight that they express their feelings with lines like, “I’m totally gay for you, dude,” between bong hits.

FULL STORY

[GReedDiamond]

1. I'm a hetero guy all the way, but I was in a "gay" band...

...called Marshall O Boy & The Well Hungarians (http://www.wellhungarians.com). The band is now in "hiatus," but you never know when we may do something again.

I was the drummer. For the record, the guitarist is also straight, but everyone else in the band is gay, so when the band performed live, it was usually in a gay bar or club or at a gay event. The band once did a live performance over satellite cable TV on a nationally syndicated gay morning show, kinda like the "Today Show," with the show's other guest being Melissa Gilbert. We also did some "mixed" events which were more porn oriented than either gay or straight (our lead singer was a gay porn star, too), like the "burlesque" show with female strippers, dancers and novelty-act performers, and we were introduced by Ron Jeremy. Those shows were always a lot of fun.

Anyway, I have always had a great feeling of "brotherhood" or "family" with other musicians I have been in bands with, which transcends everyday relationships with other people I consider "friends." I had this same feeling of kinship with the Well Hungarians, and we always respected each others' sexual orientations, without me trying to make them straight, or them trying to make me gay.

I never experienced any kind of negative response from the patrons in the gay venues in which we played, i.e., they didn't "hit" on me or try to make me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, or whatever a "straight" person might expect to encounter in a gay bar, which automatically makes them stay away from such places. In fact, it was pretty much like any other kinda bar scene, except for fewer women and fewer obnoxious drunken macho men, but way more young guys dancing in their underwear on top of the bar than you may otherwise see in a straight rock club or bar.

Just thought I'd mention that, for some kind of anecdotal real life perspective from my point of view.

In any case, the article linked in the OP was pretty interesting.

[Toasterlad]

2. I Hate It When Gay Guys Tell Straight Guys They Have a "Crush" On Them

My best friend is fond of flirting - outrageously, but not seriously - with lots of our straight friends, who are generally good-natured about it. There are a few, though, that he has told that he absolutely WOULD go there with, if they would allow it. These friends also are fairly good-natured about it, but it seems to me that there's just a whiff of contempt in the straight guy reaction to a "crush confession" from a gay guy; the straight guy seems to lose a bit of respect for the gay guy. The balance of the friendship is no longer even. The straight guy knows that he has something the gay guy wants and will (presumably) never get.

Obviously, it is not my place to tell my friend to stop flirting with straight guys, but I do resent anything that perpetuates the ludicrous fantasy that many straight men have: that all gays guys want them. I've met some truly repulsive men who were convinced that if a gay man saw them naked, they'd have to fight them off with a stick. Straight guys, seriously: we're just not that into you.