The thing about being stalked is that it's just like going to a family Thanksgiving Dinner.

[EFerrari]

(This is a left field response to Elizabeth Edwards' book tour and all the judgment being sort of heaped on her.)

All the accomodations that people make at holiday dinners, the ones we talk about here all the time, is exactly what it's like to be stalked. That's what it can feel like for the stalkee. It's oppressive but not too out of line with demands people make on you every day, and you try to just surf it. You fold it into your day and maybe don't even pay very much attention to it because it's a little unpleasant. You just make the momentary accommodation in the interest of civility and sometimes, you do it in order to enjoy the moment.

Until it escalates and suddenly, there you are, hip deep into someone else's delusion affecting your life pretty directly and you've no idea how it got that far because it all happened just under the radar and usually as a result of very small decisions that you made.

Stalkers don't come with signs around their necks. Sometimes, they just seem like attractive and interested people that you wouldn't mind spending time with. The pathology isn't usually VISIBLE for a while.

The manipulation of good will is unbelievable. One day, you're taking delivery of a flower arrangement, the next day your friends are asking you about your stalker because they have been chatted up as conduits to you. Stalkers insinuate themselves into every available crevice of your life -- including your job, your friends, your family, anything that will get a response. They go at you through the things you love most.

I was stalked for three years by someone who I thought I'd only dated a few times and who was in the periphery of my circle of friends. It was amazing. One day, I'm taking a call later than I wanted to take one and eventually, his mother is calling to talk about our wedding. It was unreal. And this was a successful person, an attorney in a major law firm in Dallas. If there were any warning signs, I missed them all. At every point, I was responsible for my every choice to spend time with this guy but, I had no idea what it was all adding up to. He presented very well. He was among the most trusted people in our group.

And, no, you don't just call the police once you understand that you are being stalked. The police can't really do anything about stalkers. They can help you get a restraining order which is usually as good at the paper it's printed on and usually just signals to your stalker that you are still engaged. Another come on, in other words. And if you're a public person, you have to know that calling the police can result in publicity in addition to not doing a damn bit of good but only making things worse. So you don't call anybody but hope you can figure it out on your own. I did, when I didn't want to make waves in my circle. Why make trouble, why upset everybody, why start something -- that's how the thinking goes.

I don't know if that is what happened to John Edwards. But this is what being stalked is like. And at this point, if that is what Elizabeth Edwards is implying, I am more inclined to trust her judgment that any of the other people involved or any of the press reports.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

1. Say what now?

[NYCGirl]

2. And I'm sure Hunter forced him to sleep with her, forced him to have an erection,

time and time again. Poor John!

:eyes:

[EFerrari]

3. What you do in a relationship with a stalker doesn't obviate the stalking.

But thanks for your thoughtful response!

[NYCGirl]

4. She was traveling with Edwards for months, if not longer. So that's stalking now?

[EFerrari]

5. See above.n/t

[NYCGirl]

6. And getting well paid for it, too! NT

[EFerrari]

7. I started a discussion about stalking. Maybe you could start one

listing all the things Elizabeth and Edwards and Hunter have that you don't have.

[SerfinUSA]

8. Stalking has nothing to do with the slimeball

Edwards is slime and you should not smear stalkers like this. Your take is ridciulous.

[EFerrari]

10. My OP is about stalking, not about Edwards but thanks

anyway for your input. :)

[JI7]

17. you referred the to Edwards in your OP

[EFerrari]

19. Right. And yet, that wasn't the focus.

[cali]

13. wrong again.

if you are having an affair with someone, it's very difficult to claim stalking. stalking is unwanted by definition. fucking someone and then clsiming that the attention is unwanted is contradictory.

[smalll]

9. Yes! Just like that crazy Russian hairdresser did to that man who only wanted to rob her salon! /nt

[EFerrari]

12. Perfect example of the level of thinking going into what Elizabeth

is doing.

Let's compare her project to a patently false tabloid fantasy involving bondage.

:thumbsup:

[cali]

11. um, no.

your post is packed with misinformation. quite often, people aren't even acquainted with their stalker, or just have a very passing acquaintance with them. And yes, of course there are things that can be done about stalkiers. Stalking is illegal in all 40 states- though it's not always called stalking. And your disparagement of restraining orders is irresponsible. they often are effective. people who violate thoe orders are prosecuted everyday in this country. restraining orders can save lives. no they don't always work, but they often do.

What happened to you may or may not be stalking, but it's clear you don't know much about it.

As for EE's judgment, that's proven to rather poor of late.

[Missy Vixen]

16. I've been stalked

My stalker was a guy that lived in the same apartment house when I was in my early 20's . He asked me out. I said "no", I kept saying "no," and he was not taking that for an answer. What the OP said is accurate. The person in question insinuates themselves into every area of your life. Carefully. He's the greatest guy on the planet initially. Everyone's so impressed. Then you say "no," and the fun begins.

I was very lucky to have a friend who realized almost immediately what was happening, urged me to call law enforcement, and I was in a place it was possible for me to move to another part of the area and switch jobs. Overnight.

Yes, there are stalkers that don't even know the person. RE: Your comments about restraining orders as the be-all, end-all? Restraining orders work just as long as the police are close enough to respond quickly.

[JI7]

18. Edwards was part of the relationship with Rielle, he never rejected her

he even flew to LA to see her.

[EFerrari]

22. And what does that mean to you? You have no idea what you're talking about.

[cali]

20. you said no. and sorry, I spent 5 years as a victim advocate in the States

Attorney's office, and dealt with quite a few cases of stalking. Yes, you can know your stalker; most victims do, but the OP is blurring the line between a come on and a stalker. Where is that line? Well, if someone comes on to you and you accept the invitation over and over, that's not stalking on the part of the initiator.

Oh, and I certainly did NOT say that restraining orders are the be all and end all. I made that quite clear. As someone who worked with domestic abuse victims day in and day out, I'm all to aware of the weaknesses of restraining orders. However, they can and do, save lives, and I would never tell a victim not to bother. ever.

[EFerrari]

23. If stalkers swooped down on us announcing "I'm here to destroy your life"

they wouldn't have much of a career, would they.

They never do that.

[JI7]

14. no, being stalked is not like dealing with annoying relatives during the holidays

and Edwards is not a victim of any stalker.

[cali]

15. it's sickening to see DUers contorting themselves to excuse JE

and put all the blame on whatshername. there is no indication that she stalked him. she came on to him. if you can't tell the difference between stalking and coming on to someone, well, that's pretty lame. But this really isn't about that. It's about people making excuses for JE. Ugh.

[EFerrari]

21. You have obviously never been stalked.

[LaydeeBug]

25. Edwards is certainly not the victim of any stalker...he was a WILLING participant...he even said so

A lie is not "a side of a story". A lie is just a lie.

[EFerrari]

27. You have no idea what happened between John Edwards and that woman.

Lie or no lie.

[dugaresa]

24. it is about a woman finding a weakness in a man and exploiting it for her gain

i wouldn't call it stalking.

having been stalked, that is a bit more sinister and violent.

however let me give you a situation. my spouse was in a business arrangement with a person who was a loser. this guy's wife knew her husband was a loser and was trapped in a very bad marriage. she started to insinuate herself into my husband's life and even went so far as to send my children gifts. it was really apparent to me what was going on but my spouse didn't see it at first. However as it became more apparent that the business situation was falling apart, she had less time to work her magic with my spouse so she stopped being subtle and guess what. The light went off in my husband's head. "hey she is flirting with me and what the hell is this" prior to that he thought it was her just being a nice person. But she was really desparate to find someone to rescue her quickly from her sinking ship. It also helped that I was paying attention to what was going on around our family.

my husband was under a great deal of stress at the time and the only thing he was thinking about was a business that was failing and disappointing his family. men and women in such situations can easily fall victim to folks who are out for personal gain.

[EFerrari]

26. Stalking is not usually violent -- despite how it sounds.

But I agree with you -- stalkers seem to key to vulnerability. That's what they do.

They prey on stressed out people.