From Salon letters: Prez Trek .. Freakin' hilarious

[Fumesucker]

I found this in the letters regarding an article about Obama as Spock on Salon.com, it was so funny I just had to share with you..

http://letters.salon.com/ent/feature/2009/05/07/obama_spock/view/index2.html?show=all


Prez Trek

McKirk:In his younger days a brash, roguish, handsome product of the Academy who quickly moved into a prime command position in the Federation. Always ready to get in a fight or jump on a babe. Now that he's gotten old and put on some pounds, though, the glory days seem a distant memory and his old man lechery comes off as just, well, creepy....

Spockama: A preternaturally calm,lean, exotic hybrid with big ears and powers beyond those of mere humans. Unfortunately, his overly cerebral nature often keeps him from connecting with the common folk.

Cerapalin: the alien Queen of the Spalaskans who McKirk lusts after.

As the scene opens Captain McKirk is in some alien den, the walls are rough stone and 3 or 4 aliens (humanoid except for rubbery antennae on their heads) are punching and kicking him. McKirk fights back valiantly and, in his younger days, might have taken them but, alas, he has aged and put on a few pounds. The aliens restrain his arms and pummel his paunchy gut mercilessly.

Quietly, moving lithely, Spockama enters the scene. Applying the Vulcan neck pinch he quickly subdues the aliens.

Spockama (helping McKirk to stand): Captain McKirk, are you all right?

McKirk: Yeah, but what kept you. I've been stuck here with these goons for 3 years. They beat me every day, wanted the security codes for the Enterprise, but I wouldn't talk.

Spockama: Your courage and dedication to the Federation, and your ability to endure suffering, are admirable in the extreme, Sir. But, as I stated at the beginning of this adventure there was no reason for us to interject ourselves into this internecine conflict between the Spalaskans and the Speskimoes. The Federation had nothing to gain here, and by interjecting ourselves into his fight I fear that we have only increased and prolonged the suffering on all sides. All your heroism has been for nought.

McKirk gives Spockama a bewildered look. Clearly the extended line of reasoning laid out by Spockama has been a little too much for him to follow. Seeing his befuddlement Spockama clarifies, "Logically, we didn't have to be here, Sir"

McKirk: "That's the problem with you Spockama, you think too much. People aren't interested in logic and what makes sense. They're interested in glory, and fighting, and winning! That's what gets you the babes! Hey! And have you seen the one they have running this place?"

Suddenly, Cerapalin charges in. She is wearing high healed silver lame boots and a fur bikini (to keep her warm in the intense cold of the planet Spalaska) and she is wielding a huge ray gun.

Cerapalin: "Stop right there! I am Cerapalin, Queen of the Spalaskans, and the two of you aren't going anywhere!"

Spockama: "Captain, it appears that we have been captured."

McKirk: "Don't worry Spockama, I know how to handle women. I've been waiting for a chance to nail this babe. Look at the rack on her. The stick I have at home doesn't have curves like that".

Spockama: "Captain, I have no doubt that in your youth you were able to win over many hormonally active females of your own species and, apparently, even those of other species. But now Captain I fear that your old man lechery is just, well, just, creepy...."

As Spockama says "creepy", we are treated to a close-up of McKirk's sweaty face, white hairs poking from his nostrils, and a line of drool coming out of his half-opened mouth as he ogles Cerapalin and breathes heavily.

McKirk: "I still got it Spockama. Just watch".

In a signature move, McKirk tears his shirt to reveal his upper torso, but rather than showing off chiseled pecs and a flat stomach, he reveals the hefty paunch and hairy, flabby bitch tits of an old man, decorated with the ugly scars of two bypass operations. Spockama and Cerapalin both curl their mouths in disgust and as McKirk sidles up to her, Cerapalin leans away.

McKirk: "Whaddaya say we join forces babe? I have the 'feeling' that you're my soulmate"

Cerapalin (her face contorting with even more disgust): "What would I want with you, old man?"

McKirk (somewhat crestfallen): "Hey, I know I'm not the stud I once was. But I have power, baby, connections. You don't wanna spend the rest of your life on this rock do you? Getting your tan from fluorescent bulbs and your Versace and Dior by mail order? How's the Riviera sound? How about designer boutiques?"

As Cerapalin's expression changes we can see her weighing McKirk's offer in her mind when McKirk sweetens the deal, "Hey, and how would you like to run a Starship?"

At this Spockama becomes concerned: "Captain McKirk, this female has spent her life in this primitive wilderness, feeding herself and her tribe with the flesh of wild animals. While I can see how her vitality might activate certain feelings that you had considered dead or dormant, do you really think she is qualified to run as technologically advanced and organizationally complex an entity as the Enterprise?"

McKirk: "Shut up Spockama! There you go thinking and talking too much again."

Spockama (moving towards McKirk): "Captain, you are thinking with you own withered gonads and not with your brain. I cannot let this happen."

He applies the neck pinch to McKirk who collapses to the floor.

Cerapalin: "Hey, you just put the kibosh on my sweat deal!"

Spockama: "Hey Cera, you don't want that old man...I can give you what you really need"

Cerapalin: "Change?"

Spockama smiles and shakes his head, "No, you know what they say about half vulcan, half human men, don't you?"

Cerapalin's eyes widen: "Is it true?"

Spockama: "See for yourself"

Cerapalin pulls back the waistband on Spockama's pants and peaks down. Her mouth drops.

Spockama: "Abstinence just ain't realistic"

Cerapalin and Spockama walk off together. Spockama turns back and holds his hand up in the traditional Vulcan sign of farewell and says "Do it long and proper!".
-- RSousa