Depression is painful.

[Pab Sungenis]

Most people don’t realize this, but depression is painful.

I’m not talking about emotionally or spiritually painful, but literally painful. Depression throws your body out of whack and causes physical pain. Sometimes it manifests as headaches, sometimes chronic upset stomach, sometimes “phantom” pains in the limbs that appear to have no physical cause.

When you add this pain on top of the aforementioned emotional and spiritual pain, you understand why depressed people sometimes snap out at you. We’re like wounded animals trapped in a corner; all we know is we need to fight back or we’re going to die. Because, yes, depression is terminal.

It doesn’t always kill you quickly, either. Sometimes it’s like a spiritual cancer that slowly eats away at your being a tiny piece at a time. It can take years, even decades. Depression can take 20, 30, 40, even 60 years to kill you, causing intense pain the entire time both inside and out. It’s incurable and inoperable, too; while some claim to have treated it, that’s putting a band aid on a plague buboe. The underlying cause is there, even if you can’t see the external symptom for a little bit.

The most annoying part? Like cancer or other diseases you can try to explain and describe what you’re feeling, but unless someone else suffers from the same disease they don’t really understand. Words convey concepts, not feelings. You cannot make someone truly feel what you feel, only describe it in abstract terms. Just as someone who has never had cancer will ever really know how it feels when your own body’s cells start eating you from the inside, someone who doesn’t suffer from depression can ever truly know how it feels, and we have no way of making them feel it, too.

The best we can do is to hide the pain. Put on the brave face. Smile. Some of us even adopt comic personae and try to make other people laugh to try and ease our own suffering. “But, doctor! I am Pagliacci!” We can keep it up for years, but eventually we can’t hide it any more. Sooner or later the man who walks on a sore leg despite the pain is going to fall on his ass, and sooner or later the pain of depression will destroy its victim.

Like I said, while depression is always fatal it isn’t always quick. Some fatal conditions can leave their victims brain dead, still technically alive but unable to function. Depression can leave you soul dead, still alive and walking around, but devoid of all joy in the world.

Depression is painful, and all I can say right now is “ow.”

[ixion]

1. as one who suffers from bouts of depression

I empathize with your situation, and know what it means to have to put on a brave face in order to go out into the world.

You're not alone, for what it's worth. :)

[roguevalley]

41. a gal just left here who takes xanax, cymbalta, paxil and prosac

along with other stuff to help her and she is still agoraphobic and the rest. I told her to get to the quack, get off about three of those and come back to me for a long, long walk every day. That at least is a starting place.

[ixion]

42. yeah, my ex-wife wanted me to take meds... I said no.

I prefer to embrace it and let it work itself out, although that may be more difficult on the short term.

[snappyturtle]

2. K&R Depression is a world onto itself...hell on earth. nt

[lunatica]

3. As a person who suffers from depression I diagree with your prognosis

Depression is a psychic nightmare and extremely painful, I agree. But it isn't terminal and it is possible to at least manage it the way diabetics manage their disease. People can change the chemical makeup in their brains by the very thoughts they have as well as by diet and by bringing meaning to their lives. When depressed I feel that my life is useless and that I am useless, kind of like the deserving reject of the universe.

Like you said, it's hard to explain, and so is the way out of it. Although it seems that people who are depressed are being selfish and self-centered the truth is it's the opposite. They lack enough self-centeredness to pull themselves out of the psychic black hole they live in. One way to overcome depression is to get help and talk about it. But first you must come to believe that you are as deserving of a life and contentment as everyone else in the universe. Spirituality helps. A belief in something higher helps. Believe in Creator, in God, in Logos, in a Higher Intelligence. Whatever. But start with trying to accept that you are worthy and as entitled to happiness as anyone else. Stop spinning that black hole of thinking how undeserving you are. You are the only one who can control what you think, by doing the work of changing how you think. Find a way of shutting up those tapes in your head and turn on the ones that will give you life. It's baby steps, but a depressed person can't do more than baby steps at first. It takes time, but when you're depressed time is something you feel you have more of than you want. Use it. One positive thought at a time. You have nothing left to lose, and you may actually gain something.

[schmuls]

4. You are so right about the physical pain of depression. It is

so real and yet so unexplainable to others. I've gone through some nightmarish episodes of manic depression, and am so thankful that my meds are working. I was hospitalized on and off for 5 months and lost my home and car. I've discovered that people, even those who are otherwise very intelligent, no almost nothing about mental illness. Most of them had the idea that it was all in my head, and to just pull myself up. Only those who have been there really understand. I wish the best to you.

[Voice for Peace]

5. I've concluded that one of the causes of the depression is the pain, not the other way around.

And I think many who suffer from serious chronic depression, as I have, were likely exposed as children to environmental contaminants, heavy metals in particular, that led to chronic pain and other ills.

When you feel lousy all the time, your body hurts, and the doctor says "you're fine" -- you can only conclude that the pain is all in your head, and the refrain of "what is WRONG with me?" plus "what is WRONG with you?" from others, digs a groove deep into your sense of self & sanity.

Chronic pain is such a drain on the brain's energies, that it's hard to cope cognitively with the rest of life. And when there's no explanation for the pain, it's depressing and discouraging, period. I'm not saying this is the whole cause of depression but I think it's significant.

[pipi_k]

12. That vicious circle of pain

Chronic pain can indeed cause depression, and depression can also cause pain and then what do you have?

A vicious circle.

One causing/contributing to the other and vice versa.

It's just nasty stuff all around, and in the end, it's almost impossible to differentiate one source of pain from another. It all ends up feeling the same, doesn't it...

I've been getting severe leg cramping since I was 26 (that's since 1978) but after a while I learned how to just "shut off" any feelings from my lower body so I can't feel it. Well, as it turns out, that's not so great either. It takes too much psychic energy to block out pain like that, and when you do it, that means you're not really "there" in the moment. It's like being in an awake coma, going through the motions but not really experiencing anything.

Which adds to the depression.

sigh...there's just no winning, you know?

[raccoon]

13. Chronic pain does cause depression.

Meds can help many people with depression.

[Christa]

20. Do you know what the side effects of that meds are?

Look it up. It is even worse than depression.

[raccoon]

22. Yes. But they help some people. nt

[ShortnFiery]

26. You have to work with your psychiatrist and/or physician and ensure that your liver values are

not effected. Psychotropic medication must be monitored both behaviorally as well as medically (quarterly blood tests). Agreed. Some antidepressants put a strain on "the liver" and therefore, hepatic enzyme blood levels should be closely monitored.

[Pab Sungenis]

29. I've been working on a spoken word piece called "Flowers for Adderall"

about my own experiences. At one point I would read from the recognizable side-effects of escitalopram and duloxetene I was given during a clinical trial.

The people I tried it out on all laughed, but only for a moment, when I got to the last of the possible side-effects: "...and death."

[Bluenorthwest]

35. Flowers for Adderall !!!

Such a title! Ten points!

[Pab Sungenis]

37. It was inspired by a clock in the one exam room at the doctor's.

The clock was obviously a gift from Shire Pharm to plug the time-release version of Adderall. The clock included a little cutaway globe-within-a-globe-within-a-globe illustration.

I thought to myself "I've only seen that diagram two other places. One was in an ad for Wonka's Everlasting Gobstoppers, and the other was in a book about the development of the atomic bomb. I wonder which one that drug is."

This is also a psychiatrist who, among the VHS tapes you could pop in and watch in the waiting room, had "Me, Myself, and Irene," a comedy about multiple personality disorders.

Let's just say I lost a lot of faith in the men administering the clinical trial that day.

My other favorite part of the piece is "Day 23, 1 PM. Have so much energy, have decided to take up jogging again.... Day 23, 1:15 PM. Note to self: increased energy does not mean increased lung capacity."

[MuseRider]

39. Brilliant title!

I love it.

Day 23 also.

Niiiiice.

[tavalon]

32. I was on seven different ones before I found mine

so I like to say I saw the six gates of hell and blessedly, the seventh was a gate back to my life.

[gblady]

6. I respectfully disagree....

with this part of what you wrote...
"It’s incurable and inoperable, too; while some claim to have treated it, that’s putting a band aid on a plague buboe. The underlying cause is there, even if you can’t see the external symptom for a little bit."

I suffered from horrible depression for years, yet with the help of antidepressants along with a very caring, extremely good therapist and a lot of consistent inner work, I have been basically symptom free for over 10 years. I am off antidepressants and do continue to be vigilant about my self care. It is possible awaken the soul and to feel joy again. It really is. For me, I think the key was finding the right therapist. It took awhile, and I did go through a few who were trying the bandaid treatment, but when I found the one who was willing to go in and lance the wound, so to speak, it was like a miracle. And like a lancing, it was a painful process at times, very painful, but getting rid of the toxic stuff was so worth the struggle.

I hope that you can find relief. It is possible.

[TBF]

10. You are absolutely correct, gblady, but I think the op may be talking

about depression in both a figurative and literal sense. I could be wrong, but that was how I took it. In which case you would both be right.

[tinrobot]

23. I agree - there is hope.

I was depressed on/off for almost 15 years. Anti-depressants and therapy got me to a point where the depression was diminished, but not completely gone.

What finally got rid of it was seriously learning to meditate and quieting my thoughts - which allows the inner happiness to reveal itself.

There's also the mind/body connection of depression. A sick body will make depression worse. Understand that your your gut produces more seratonin than your brain. Be kind to your gut if you're depressed by eating well and exercising. Yoga and eating a lot less meat helped me significantly in that area.

There is hope... but you have to do the work.

[walkaway]

7. I recently had two surgeries. That's anaesthesia twice.

Plus about three months of Percocet and Vicoden. When I finally stopped the drugs and began to recover I went into a slide that I was completely unprepared for. I think it was all of the drugs.

I have been coping pretty well with my depression for the past ten years because of major lifestyle changes. But this really blew me away. You have to be so careful with any kind of change when you are dealing with this condition.

Now I'm climbing back up the long slope.

[cap]

25. Yup... post-operative depression is a known condition

My hubby had a bout of it after a surgery...

[pipi_k]

8. I feel your "ow"

My therapist believes I've been chronically depressed for years...decades...since childhood.

It's been there so long that I'm just sort of used to it, you know? Except for the rare moments when something else manages to break through and it feels foreign. Strange. Almost frightening. A flash of joy for no reason. It's almost overwhelming when it happens, then the curtain falls and the "lights" go off and things are gray again.

Along with the chronic depression, I also suffer from acute depression each fall/winter (and the accompanying anxiety in summer) due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. So that's acute depression on top of chronic depression. Oh boy. What fun.

I've tried medications in the past but they were almost worse than the depression/anxiety, and I have a meds phobia anyway, so.... :shrug:

This year I decided to try something I read about someplace.

Lots of Vitamin D.

I upped my daily dose of Vitamin D from 400 mg. to 1200 mg., not really expecting much. I'm pleased to say that the depression from SAD wasn't nearly as bad this year in spite of lots of awful things happening last year (which should have exacerbated the underlying depression and made it all much worse).

All I can suggest to you is to get out and get as much sunshine as possible...maybe take Vitamin D supplements...and exercise. Almost more than anything, lack of physical movement will drag you down. Yeah, it hurts. There are days my body is wracked with pain, but I get up and move around anyway. I have to. Try to find some hobby or activity you enjoy. I like to knit and crochet, so that's how I relax and feed my need to create and feel useful.

Anyway, that's my story, and a few suggestions that I hope will help.

[Veritas_et_Aequitas]

9. As hippy-ish as it sounds, sitting in sunlight has always helped me.

That and exercise. And petting my cat (as stupid as that sounds. But it's better than any pill I've been on). Depression can be combated and managed. Hang in there. :grouphug:

[pipi_k]

15. Nahhhh...it ain't stupid

Pets are one of the best antidotes for depression I can think of.

I love animals, including cats, and would love to have one, but I can't right now.

I have had cats in the past, and one of my very favorite things about cats is having one lying on my chest, purring away. I can't think of anything more peaceful and relaxing than hearing and feeling a purring kitty on my chest.

For those brief minutes, all is right with the world.

:loveya:

[ShortnFiery]

28. Excellent suggestions and supported as alievating depression by experimental findings.

I'm sitting in front of my high powered light this AM for 1/2 hour. The harder part of the equation is to shag my ass upstairs and follow through with 1/2 on the Cross trainer.

TRUE, moving about ESPECIALLY helps take the edge off of a mild to moderate depression. Well, as I stated above there is data suggesting this as well as my testimonial above. :blush: :thumbsup: :hi:

[historian]

36. makes perfect sense

sunlight activates certain hormones in the brain (dopamine? cant remember the name getting old)which improves sense of well being. Exercise makes the blood move around so the brain gets its fair share without depriving the other organs (the brain always comes first) but thirdly sunshine signals a rebirth; dark days of winter are gone back to life again.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression as well as hepatitis C which only aggravates depression and take zoloft every day. Its not going to cure me but it keeps me on a level keel. I know that if i stop for as little as 4 days im ready for the big jump off the cliff!
And if its any consolation, some of the greatest artists and authors suffered from it; they had to find a way to discharge the awful feelings they had all day long.
Finally, and this is a bit much for many people, when things get really bad i go to a cemetery. I sit there and think "all these people spent an average of 60 yrs, most of it spent in agony and frustration as they struggle to stay alive and then they die!" So what is the fuss all about?

[prolesunited]

40. Not hippy-ish at all, medically proven fact on both counts.

Just ask anyone who witnessed the worst case of SAD that I've ever experienced this winter.

[MuseRider]

11. It sure is.

It took 30 years for me to get help with it. No one wanted to put me on meds until I added panic attacks that were debilitating. Once I was seen for that my doc said, hmmmm it looks like you are also depressed :eyes:. Now, on two anti D's I am functioning and feel some better.

One doc said I was just being hysterical after the death of the last of my birth family (I was not yet 50). I wonder if he would have said that about my husband? Can you see how angry I still am about all of that? Oh well, at least I am not depressed about it ;).

“But, doctor! I am Pagliacci!”

Good one!

[Pab Sungenis]

17. I stole it from Alan Moore.

Don't know who he stole it from.

[MuseRider]

19. Ruggero Leoncavallo

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pagliacci

[whathehell]

34. As one who just lost her last parent a little over two years ago,

I'd like to say that your doctor's a jerk and almost certainly discriminates against women -- at least in his "diagnosis".

No, I do NOT think he'd say that about your husband -- Have you ever heard a man called "hysterical"?...I haven't.

[MuseRider]

38. I agree and I do not see him anymore.

It made me furious.

Nope, men don't seem to have to deal with that one.

[JoDog]

14. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch

Having suffered from depression with anxiety since my early teens, I've felt your pain, literally. Sometimes it seems like an endless feedback loop: depression causes my stomach to ache. My stomach ache causes me to be more depressed, which causes more stomach aches. Then I stop eating.

My fear is that someday I won't be able to break the cycle as I have successfully done in the past.

BTW: I love The New Adventures of Queen Victoria.

[DemReadingDU]

16. Daughter has suffered half her life

She's only 34. I'm sure she can relate to the pain.
:hug:

[Hatchling]

18. Depression doesn't have to be terminal.

That's the depression talking.

Medications can ameliorate the symptoms; it's important that you find one that works for you. Then a program called Dialectical Behavioral Training can teach you how not to be depressed, If you have trauma tied in with your depression, EFT is of use to re-route traumatic pathways.

Both are hard work, but depression, (just as with any disease) can be managed so that there IS quality of life.

Edited to add wiki links:

DBT
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

EFT
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_Freedom_Techniques

Also the caveat that these must be used by competent therapists who know what they are doing with the techniques.

[ShortnFiery]

24. No but Depression, once visited upon you, always has the capability to return.

Not unlike recovery from substance addiction, once a person experiences a clinical depression, the odds of another surfacing in the future are significantly increased.

We are always "recovering" and not ever "cured" ...

That's why we, as individuals, know the tell tale signs of it's return and should take measures to dampen it's influence or "ride it out" as best we can.

Sometimes it's a victory to just "float" and "let time pass" because tomorrow may JUST prove to be much more hopeful.

[tavalon]

33. Yep, I recently had a life shock that would have knocked anyone down

I immediately increased my medicine, but I still went down because the medicine didn't help the terror and that slid me right back in. I'm climbing out now.

[nolabear]

21. As a psychotherapist and past sufferer

I want to say to you that I absolutely understand your pain, and I'm astounded at your eloquent statement about it. If you help even one person to understand how terribly painful depression is, and how desperately one can want to do anything to mke it go away, then the things people do to combat it, like self-medication and the "snapping" at others you mention, become more understandable.

BUT--it is not hopeless. If you're just waiting until your life ends you're not being aggressive enough. Imho, the first line of defense is a good, willing prescriber AND a good, willing therapist, one wo'll stick with you through thick and thin. They're out there. Drug therapies' effectiveness varies from person to person, and some choose not to go that route at all with good outcome. But if you do, find someone who's smart and will work with you on the meds until you find enough relief to feel like it's possible to work on the underlying persistent thoughts and convictions. Find a therapist that can help you find meaning in your life, to feel deeply connected to the world at large and those around you, to realize that you have the potential to live a life that continues after you through your good works.

It's far from impossible, and you don't have to be alone. Depression is a mean bitch, and you have to fight it with everything you've got. But you can. I know, from both sides.

[Warpy]

27. As someone who comes from an extended family full of bipolars

I can say I am grateful to be a garden variety depressive. It's small comfort, though, like being grateful for heart disease instead of cancer.

My depression comes and goes of its own volition. It can show up when everything is going fine and leave when my life is in the toilet. There is no rhyme or reason to it, just some sort of mysterious shit switch buried deep within my brain. Medication doesn't help it and alcohol and recreational drugs don't work. It's not true SAD and doesn't respond to light. I just have to wait it out.

Waiting it out is always problematic because while I understand its temporary nature on an intellectual level, my gut always says this is how it will be forever.

Depression is a strange thing, your mind pacing back and forth, creating ruts of hopelessness and wretchedness. If there's nothing in my life worth being depressed over, I find my mind wandering back decades to find something.

One period I can always count on is November-February. I am always depressed at this time of year. I plan for it the best I can and tell people I'll be a poor correspondent and a near hermit for these months. The bad times are the late February periods when the depression isn't lifting like I tell myself it should. The worst are when it persists well into summer.

Along with depression come sleep disorders, eating disorders, digestive disorders, and every other psychosomatic thing you can imagine. Like every other garden variety depressive out there, I long for some sort of treatment that actually works instead of just creating a false euphoria or numbing us out.

Just know that if you suffer from depression, you're not alone.

[mopinko]

30. you should be evaluated for fibromyalgia and sleep deprivation

both of which are separate disorders from clinical depression, but can have depression as part of the package. (and may be linked, anyway.)
there are estimates that 30% of the population is sleep deprived. if it didn't mess with your mind, the cia would not use it.

at any rate, :hug:

[tavalon]

31. Almost always fatal, not always

Having been to the hell the is the depths of depression, I absolutely believed what you said, that it was always, but slowly fatal. Now, for me, with evil pharmaceuticals, I'm living a real life, a life tied to a little pill every day for the rest of my life and I live with the knowledge that if this world goes belly up and I can't get my medicine, I will travel again to that dark place knowing there isn't any thing left. Basically, I refuse to go there again but I also know that my brain, without an ssri, will go there and I just can't and won't.

I'm lucky (and I hope you can find some of that), in that my medication doesn't take away my highs or my lows or even my orgasms (though my libido is a long remembered friend from the past).

My soul feels completely alive but I know it's dependent on a medication and unless I'm willing to let someone zap electricity through my brain, I will remain forever dependent on that medication.