Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum

[dcsmart]

West says the school inadequately prepares students for the black seas of infinity.

ARKHAM, MA—Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district's monthly meeting Tuesday.

"Fools!" said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. "We must prepare today's youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods—not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!"

The controversial school board member reportedly interrupted a heated discussion about adding fresh fruit to school lunches in order to bring his motion to the table. With the aid of a flip chart, West laid out his six-point plan for increased madness, which included field trips to the medieval metaphysics department at Miskatonic University, instruction in the incantations of Yog-Sothoth, and a walkathon sponsored by local businesses to raise money for the freshman basketball program.

"Our schools are orderly, sanitary places where students dwell in blissful ignorance of the chaos that awaits," West said. "Should our facilities be repaired? No, they must be razed to the ground and rebuilt in the image of the Cyclopean dwellings of the Elder Gods, the very geometry of which will drive them to be possessed by visions of the realms beyond."
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FULL ARTICLE
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/lovecraftian_school_board_member?utm_source=a-section

[DavidDvorkin]

1. The Onion always tells the truth

Although they disguise it well as humor.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

2. I am all for this.

I always felt that considering all he did, Dick Cheney was Shub-Niggurath.

I felt the Cthulhu rumors were just a bit over the top.

[martymar64]

6. I suspect Cheney to actually be Nyarlathotep

He certainly fits the bill.

[NoodleyAppendage]

3. Walkathon! LOL. That was great. n/t

J

[Giant Robot]

4. You bastards!

I got excited because I thought this was real! Now I see its from The Onion. I wanna learn madness too!

[martymar64]

5. At last! A cirriculum I can get behind! Praise Yog-Sothoth!!!

Ia! Ia!

[ElboRuum]

7. Self-delete

[nichomachus]

8. This would be funny if it weren't so close to the truth n/t

[damntexdem]

9. Chthulu for president! Why settle for the LESSER of two evils?

We all need a little Onion to spice up our schoolboard politics.

[gordianot]

10. Visit any school at just about anytime anywhere and you will find madness and chaos.

It is already part of the curriculum and is very very old.

[baldguy]

11. Is he related to Herbert West?

or Sharn?

[gratuitous]

12. Charles West is a pitiful, pitiful man

I mean, the field trip is an iffy proposition, though the walkathon is a canny ploy. But give me a fucking break: The incantations of Yog-Sothoth??? As if! There's something that's going to lie beneath the earth, Chucky boy, but when the stars align, you're in for one big motherfuckin' surprise.