I had an issue with my daughter today. She's gay.

[cherokeeprogressive]

Not the issue. She came out to me in November, and that's all good.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=4543007&mesg_id=4543007

Question: If your daughter was 17, and had a boyfriend over, would you be comfortable with PDA's like kisses on the forehead, cheeks, and neck? I'm not talking full on making out, but kind of like "ultra-soft petting"?. What would you feel? What would you say? All of the sudden I'm afraid to say certain things. My daughter was here for the weekend with her girlfriend, and that's pretty much what happened last night. We rented a couple of DVD's. If it were a boy with her on the couch last night, I probably would have pinched his Adam's Apple out of his neck. I didn't say anything though.

Mind you, we had talked about the whole PDA thing. She asked me in a text message if I would be uncomfortable with "holding hands and things". I said holding hands was okay, but "things" I couldn't guarantee because it was too ambiguous. I told her that I'd expect her to act just as she thought I'd expect her to act if she were at my house with her boyfriend.

So, this morning, I'm getting ready to take her and her girlfriend home, a round trip of over 200 miles for me. 7,000 feet down to sea level, and back again. As we're getting into my Tahoe, they both get into the back seat. I look at her over my shoulder and she asks if I want her to get in the front seat. I told her no, but she could save the PDA's for when she got home. All the way down the mountain, they sat as far apart on the back seat as it was comfortable for them to do. We talked easy enough during the drive, when I got her home, pulled their bags out of my truck, and went to hug her, she left me hanging. Ten minutes later, when I was getting back on the freeway for a hundred+ mile ride home, she texted me and told me she was mad at me for embarrassing her.

What did I do wrong? She asked, and I pretty much told her that I wouldn't allow her to make out with a boy, so she should act accordingly. I wouldn't allow her to make out with a 17 year old boy in my presence, why should I allow her to mack on a 17 year old girl?

What would have been the right play here?

[rcrush]

1. I dont think you did anything wrong.

Same rules should apply if shes 17 and in your house. She probably just mad cause thats the typical reaction for a 17 year old.

[aquart]

2. Agreed.

Even if she dates the Purple People Eater who may constitute a whole other gender never mind species, the same decorum applies.

And I have questions about the girlfriend who goes in for PDAs in front of her lady's mother. If she's so insecure she has to mark her territory to the MOTHER, she has a boatload of extra issues.

[Jeep789]

3. Whatever you do will embarrass them at that age

if your daughter is a typical teen.

[TXRAT2]

18. Yep!

[MattBaggins]

24. If you're not embarrassing them

you need to try harder.

[1]

4. "ultra-soft petting"? what would that be? exactly...

[napoleon_in_rags]

5. I think its an issue of family dynamics.

I wouldn't do a PDA in front of my mom, and I'm 30. Its just how it is with my family. On the other hand there are issues with queers that might come into play. If you created a "safe" environment, the girl might not have been used to, she might have sort of overreacted in exploring it, because its new to her. Since queers don't enjoy the same mainstream acceptance, there is less strong a sense of exactly what the "rules" are...

[TahitiNut]

6. "they both get into the back seat" ... and you became the chauffeur?

I just don't regard that as the behavior of polite people. That's hostile and demeaning, imho. I tend to behave in ways that INCLUDES people instead of ways that makes their presence superfluous.

[NNN0LHI]

22. Thats the way I feel about it too

Dead on.

Don

[verges]

31. There's 3 people.

Somebody is going to sit in the front or back by themselves. It shouldn;t be the guest. And the gueat was there to see the daughter, not the mother.

I think the seating arrangement was just fine.

[Why Syzygy]

7. Kids.

I would have told her, yeah, get up front with me. That's because I was on a share schedule with my son when he was a teen, and wanted as much face time as possible. OTOH, you didn't do anything "wrong". I'm sure you both will work things out as you go along. At least she tells you her feelings. Be thankful for that.

[ezgoingrl]

8. You didn't do anything wrong.

I would have the same reaction if my son had done the same thing with a boy or girl(he's bisexual).

Bottom line is it wouldn't have mattered if your daughter was visiting you with with the Sasquatch she is dating, it's about respect and making those around you feel uncomfortable. There is a time and a place for that type of behavior and watching movies with mom, just isn't either the time or the place.

[elleng]

9. Nothing wrong;

they ALWAYS say, 'you embarrassed me.' Standard.

[Sherman A1]

10. You did just fine

She is 17 and it's drama time. Let her have her little "mad" and she will either get over it or not. Gay isn't the issue here, it's the parent-teenager thing.


:thumbsup:

[glowing]

11. Nothing wrong with setting limits. She would have been embarraced if it was

a boyfriend or girlfriend... She's 17. Awkward age and all. She'll get over it and laugh latter on in life when she's scolding her child (if she chooses a family).

[old mark]

12. 17 year olds are not necessarily rational beings - they only

think they are. They also tend to think everyone else (older people especially) are not.

There was probably no "right thing" you could have done in her eyes.

mark

[McCamy Taylor]

13. She was trying to get you to react. If you hadn't shown some disapproval she would have been upset.

Now she can feel all rebellious and "I shocked my mom and she was such a square about it. God, I will never in my life be as repressed as she is!" She was probably secretly upset that you didn't make more of a fuss about her choosing an "alternative" lifestyle. When kids decide to rebel, one of the most frustrating things is having parents who are even more rebellious than they are. It can actually drive the poor dears to excesses of conformity, just so that they have some sort of individuality.

I will bet her girlfriend tells her that they should not make out in front of you if it bothers you. Since you are a stranger to her, she will not have any interest in annoying you or pushing your buttons and she will merely want to act socially appropriate.

[orleans]

14. ...

my daughter and her boyfriend sat in the back seat together one time when they were fifteen (because i had to drive them--so i remember the age). it drove me INSANE and it was a 45 minute drive. checking in the rear-view mirror, telling them to sit up (they'd start slumping down into each other), hands where i could see them. it was terribly uncomfortable/awkward for me.

when he got out of the car i think i told her that won't be happening again.

it's a teen thing--as you and i both know.

it's the capturing of any opportunity to be together. we know. we know.

i don't think what you did was wrong. it puts you (the parent) in an awkward position.

[Why Syzygy]

15. I'm afraid

my response was less than coherent (above). Regarding PDA, my opinion is you are completely on target. Kids in general 'these days', and by my observation and having been in work settings with the age group, aren't nearly as discrete as other generations. No judgment. Times change, I was a kid.

My son has always been very affectionate. I was uncomfortable on one occasion when his gf was at the house. She sat on the floor in front of him on the couch. He kept stroking her hair and patting her shoulders, etc. It was a family graduation party, and there were a lot of people here she didn't know. She looked uncomfortable. Not everyone is into that much touchy feely. I felt a bit badly for her. When he brought his now-wife around for the first time, by that time an adult, he sat next to her, patting her leg, giving her little hugs. I was happy for both of them that they share that kind of affection.

In your case, you certainly have every right to expect respect for your boundaries when you're around them. Also, rest assured if it were a boy, she would have felt the exact same way about your response.

[backscatter712]

16. Nothing wrong - you were treating her the same as if she was straight.

That's perfectly fair. Whether it's a straight or gay thing, if they're slobbering all over each other too much, there comes a point where I'd tell them to go get a room...

[sandyj999]

17. I'm with you 100%.

I don't appreciate a couple doing too much of that in public regardless of their sexual orientation. You were not asking too much at all.

[Norrin Radd]

19. It depends on how long she's been with the girlfriend.

If the relationship is brand new, she were probably just embarrassed that you mentioned the PDA's out loud in front of a -- from your perspective -- a stranger. If that were the case, she isn't necessarily justified in being mad at you, but I would expect it to be justified in the teenage mind, since humility is unthinkable at that age. And or maybe she thought that it might have been interpreted by the new girlfriend that you were only uncomfortable with the PDA's because of them being a same sex couple? Perhaps you could have whispered in your daughter's ear, or, if you simply needed to state it plainly in front of the girlfriend, you could have clarified your position as you have in this post?

Now, if she's been with her since or before November, and you've come to know the girlfriend and she is almost part of the family, there is no excuse for both of them to be aware of and respect your boundaries.

Anyhow, she'll get over it. Especially when she realizes later just how fortunate she is having a parent like you (not saying she doesn't feel that way now, but when she compares her experiences to others, it'll take on a whole new dimension). When I was starting my first semester of college, I had a friend who is gay whose parents kicked him out and refused to continue paying for his schooling when his recent ex-girlfriend of his outed him to his parents midway through the semester (his ex had just found out he was gay, and was selfishly seeking revenge).

[HereSince1628]

20. 17 year-old mad at parent is nothing unusual.

That's all part of the dance of emancipation.

[JerseygirlCT]

21. Just because she's upset with you doesn't necessarily mean

you did anything wrong.

[3dogday]

23. You sound like a good parent to me

Teens will be teens

[Iggo]

25. You got it right. She'll get over it.

In about ten years, like the rest of us...lol.

[Tatiana]

26. She's just being a teen. And you're just being a mom. You did nothing wrong.

She and her girlfriend are staying up under your roof and they need to respect your rules.

She ought to be rejoicing in the fact that she has a loving parent who obviously accepts her the way she is.

Not every gay teen is so lucky.

Stay strong. You love her and she loves you too. She'll get over it.

[Maru Kitteh]

27. You did a good job. She's 17. She's directly on schedule for general outrage.

That's HER job. Oy vey. Thank goodness we're almost past that with ours in this house. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I completely sympathize.

[trof]

28. I felt the same way about our daughter and her boyfriend.

They were pretty serious about each other, early on, and have been married for 10 years.

But back during the high school dating game I sat her down for one of those father-daughter talks that she never liked very much.
;-)
I told her that whatever they did in private was up to them. We'd already had the talk (mostly she with mom) about 'being careful'.
I just asked her to take it easy on her old man's feelings and sensibilities and hold the touchie feelie stuff to a minimum around me. She must have briefed her boyfriend, because they pretty much did as I asked.

Of course dad came out of the stone age when they lived together 'without benefit of clergy' for his 3 years of law school and his first year of practice. After all, they were both 21 and dad's rules didn't apply any more.

[coffeenap]

29. Are they already living together? Perhaps they are just accustomed

to being affectionate together? The back seat of a car is a very comfy place. Or, maybe they don't get time alone together like that? It seems to me, and ymmv, but love brings out physicality and it doesn't seem odd, or disrespectful, that two young people in love would want to snuggle. More than that is certainly bad judgment and of course, house rules should certainly be respected. (Full disclosure--I do let my dd and her bf snuggle when I drive them somewhere. No action, just leaning on each other. I think it is only natural.) Of course, if it isn't love, just dating, that is a different story. Again, respectfully, ymmv.

[Bryn]

30. You didn't do anything wrong

When I was a teenager I wouldn't dare to do those things with my boyfriends in front of my parents nor in public. It's called Respect. :hi: