Duncan Ousted as RNC Elects New Chairman

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(Satire from TheDesperateBlogger.com)

Eleventh Hour Entrant Wins Post

He didn’t even throw his hat into the ring until yesterday. Today, after 4 ballots and a great deal of maneuvering to build a coalition, he is the new chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Events quickly began to unfold on Thursday. After former Tennessee state chairman Chip Saltsman, better known since his holiday season gift gaffe as ‘Chip the Magic Redneck’, withdrew from the race, a once prominent party member suddenly appeared on the scene in a manner almost as mysterious as when he vanished from it years ago. Once seen as too conservative by party moderates and too liberal by conservative hardliners, today, Lex Luthor has been tabbed to bring the GOP back from the abyss as it tries to rebuild after being swept out of power in the 2006 and 2008 general elections.

“What we have is a liberal in the White House who people seem to think is Superman,” a grinning former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told reporters, “Who better to have lead the fight on our behalf than Lex Luthor?”

“Lex Luthor embodies all the principles and values the Republican party has long held so dear,” according to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “I would think there must be a few people on the other side of the aisle, those who believe merely giving lip service to bipartisanship will fly, who would rather eat Kryptonite than try and put that over on Lex come election time.”

“Lex Luthor may be evil, but he’s not stupid. He has a long history of accomplishment,” President Obama told the newest member of the Washington press corps, Fox News White House correspondent Samuel ‘Joe the White House Correspondent’ Wurzelbacher. Apparently reading from an outdated note card, the President continued, “I hope we can work together not as Democrat and Republican, but as Americans to do the country’s work. I anticipate some lively debate when the time comes. But for now, there is only one president at a time.”

Upon accepting the post, Luthor took many by surprise when he immediately proposed a bold departure from traditional Republican mantra. “We have to admit to ourselves that ‘trickle-down’ is a failure. We must move in a different direction. Look at the current disaster. Holding to our longstanding beliefs, we have given all the decision making power at the Federal level to the Democrats. I ask you my friends, here and now, how much of it do you see trickling down to us?” He then received a thunderous ovation when he optimistically promised Party faithful, “But we shall overcome our defeats. We will once again rule this greatest of republics — and we’ll accomplish our goals by any means necessary!”

In other news…

Both House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Hair Club President Rod Blagojevich were released from hospitals today, and both are apparently doing fine.

Doctors in Illinois reported that all precautionary x-rays taken of Blagojevich after he was struck by approximately 14 of the more than 40 shoes thrown at him by members of the Illinois State Senate after his speech Thursday were negative.

Pelosi was released from Georgetown Medical Center after toxicology tests ordered when she reportedly hugged House Minority Leader John Boehner at a White House cocktail party Wednesday night also proved negative. Doctors report that Pelosi is in excellent health and fine spirits after undergoing what they described as a “routine delousing”.

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