HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

[question everything]

(a fun email to share)

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!!

[TahitiNut]

1. Fruit cake is GOOD. Anyone who doesn't want their fruit cake, send it to ME.

Yum! :silly:

[question everything]

3. What, and take the only one being given back and forth out of circulation?

or so the story goes..

Happy Holidays.

[undeterred]

6. Its so heavy that I'll have to send it 4th class.

:hi:

[Angleae]

34. You haven't seen my fruitcake

Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
Ingredients:
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber
mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake.
Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits
should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of
your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the time-
less and enduring gift of fruitcake!

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

2. I have me, right here...

One go-to-hell HUGE bone-in Ribeye steak(2 inches thick) that I got from the local genius butcher, as blessed and sanctified a man as has ever walked this earth. I am gonna sear that sucker in a red-hot cast-iron frying pan with salt, pop it in a 500 degree oven, cook it to medium, have it with french fries and sneer, yes, sneer at any nay-saying food nazi.

Merry Fucking Christmas, goddammit., you judgmental pricks. ;-) I'll make a pot of Beans and eat them with rice for the rest of the week, to expiate my culinary sins.

[cali]

4. sounds wonderful

enjoy it. (we're having beef wellington).

[TahitiNut]

8. Ohhhh.... beef wellington ... yum! It's been years since I've had a good beef wellington.

Yummy beef en croute with pate and duxelles and Bordelaise ... ooohhhh. Yum!

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

10. Hella hard to find at a restaurant anymore.

You have to make it at home. And then there is the matter of the pate'. Hard to find and making your own is masterwork.

[TahitiNut]

18. Indeed. Time was that it was my ultimate 'guilty pleasure' at a favorite restaurant.

Beef Wellington, pommes souffle, and steamed asparagus (the only time I liked it), and a bottle of good Bordeaux wine (or a Grand Cru of Beaujolais, preferably Morgon or Moulin a Vent). A bordelaise for the beef and a bearnaise for the pommes souffle and asperagus. Heaven.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

20. In Chicago, back in the seventies,

there was a remarkable restaurant called The Bakery. Chef Louie owned and ran it. The food was unbelievable, but the Beef Wellington was sublime.

There was a cookbook. I bought a copy and brought it with me next time we dined there. I asked our waiter if Chef Louie was around, and if so, would he please sign the book?

Not only did he sign it, he came out with all sorts of treats for us to sample, sat down and chatted, and before we left, handed me a copy of his recipe for Beef Wellington - which wasn't in the cookbook.

The Bakery is long gone, as is Chef Louie, but the cookbook and that recipe - decorated with drawings by the chef - are cherished.

(I see Chef Louie is still with us, so to speak: http://www.lthforum.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=19337&sid=a46562abdc970c77a1709ec5e281182d)

[TahitiNut]

24. I remember The Bakery. Very good. But La Chiminee (on N. Dearborn) was the greatest.

Chez Paul was pretentious crap. La Chiminee was about the best restaurant I've ever been to ... and that's saying a LOT. I spent over 3 months living and working in Paris and did everything from Tour d'Argent to Fouquet's and La Coupole. La Chiminee was better. They had the absolute BEST French onion soup and virtually everything else. I had the onion soup at Au Pied du Cochon at Le Halles, where it purportedly originated. Dreck. La Chiminee got it right ... and then some.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

25. No one really appreciates...

The levels of everyday gourmanderie endemic to the Hungarian culture. One of my IT instructors is Hungarian and wrote a cookbook on her mother's recipes from Hungary. OMG. Them folks got it goin' on.

[question everything]

26. Took the words out of my keyboard

As soon as I heard the Beef Wellington description I was thinking of the Bakery. And.. we were welcomed to bring our own wine.

Oh, heavens!

[Tangerine LaBamba]

28. That's right!

I forgot that. We brought ours, too.

When that husband and I split up, that cookbook and the enclosed illustrated recipes were one of the few things we argued about. I got them. I forget what I traded, but I know I got the better deal.

I'm smiling...................

:toast:

[question everything]

5. Use tongs when turning that piece of meat, not a fork

that would just pierce all the juices out of it.

Bon appetite.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

9. By all means!

And it will cool for 15 minutes under a tin-foil hat, too.

Mama didn't raise no fools, especially when it comes to cooking. Between her and Dad, who was a great cook as well, they taught us well and right.

[Warpy]

7. Fruitcake needs to be judged solely on its booze content

Who cares what it looks like if they've soaked the thing with good brandy? It can be a wonderful side to the second vat of eggnog and make the party with all the relatives you only see once a year for a very good reason a celebratory event.

Carrot and celery sticks are permissible, but only when they come with a sour cream and/or cream cheese based dip. Naked crudités are, well, crude.

Don't eat anything with marshmallows on top of it, ever.

Mashed potatoes must be made with a combination of heavy cream and sour cream unless it's a weekday and you're serving them with meatloaf.

And always avoid the scale until you're hung over on New Year's day and in the mood for penitence and great plans for turning your life around.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

11. The great thing about unsoaked fruitcake is...

That you can take it out of the box or can and have a very effective weapon for bludgeoning someone to death. ;-)

[Warpy]

12. Especially the person who gave you

such an abomination!

[question everything]

14. LOL and make sure you have those loose warme up suits

handy to wear. Don't even attempt to get into the tight fitting jeans until, well. groundhog day.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

13. What he said when he knew he was dying -

Warren Zevon, when asked by David Letterman, on the occasion of his final visit to the show, if he had any words of wisdom to impart, replied:

"Enjoy every sandwich."

The ham is in the oven, the potato salad will be made in a while, a big stack of hot Italian sausages is ready, all the side dishes accounted for, two kinds of pie - apple and cherry - two kinds of ice cream - Edy's Samoa and Drumstick - and there are bowls of shrimp, stacks of Genoa salami, muenster and Swiss cheeses, buttery rolls waiting to be slathered with four different kinds of mustard or mayonnaise, Claussen's garlic dill pickles, and, if all else fails, there is frozen spaghetti sauce and lots and lots of San Giorgio in the pantry.

I can personally vouch for the salami and muenster with honey mustard and mayonnaise on a roll. Twice.

Enjoy every sandwich.

Merry Christmas.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

15. Oh, lawdy.

I am a slobbering fool, a moon calf, for really good Genoa Salami and real, air-dried Mortadella. There is no hope for me if that stuff is about.

My local Italian food store, that made its own air-dried Mortadella, closed. I am bereft with grief. Hobbled by mourning. A far less effective person these days. They also had Mozarella ala Buffala and smoked their own Moz. Black Olives with hot pepper flakes. Black olives in oil and garlic.

:cry:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

16. It's only in the last few years

that real Mortadella is legally imported into this country again. I grew up on the stuff, my grandfather owning an Italian grocery store. I always thought grated Locatelli in a big jar was a place where something better than candy dwelled. I'd get a small brown paper bag full of it and sit on the front steps of the store, eating it with my fingers.

Around 3 this morning, still up and doing stuff, I got hungry. Just grabbed the salami and enjoyed a few slices, just the salami. Man, that stuff never fails to satisfy.

I wonder if there'll be any left by dawn.....................

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

19. In answer to that question...

Probably not. ;-)

But next year, do what I would do: buy twice as much.

Assuming civilization hasn't collapsed and we are all existing in roving, feral hordes and eating each other. Which is a distinct possibility.

[Liberal_in_LA]

17. #2, the eggnog tip is funny. Hee hee. It is rare.

[ColbertWatcher]

21. Kick and rec! Very wise advice here, thank you. n/t

[Shiver]

22. And don't forget

Calories consumed between Thanksgiving and New Years don't count! :hi:

[Phentex]

23. Funny!

That's my motto this time of the year, too! :hi:

[AlCzervik]

27. oh the skim milk thing, i so agree. The one thing i can bake successfully is cheesecake

so my friend begs for my recipe, she makes it and uses like the no fat cream cheese---guess what, it sucked.

[FloridaJudy]

32. Fat-free cream cheese

Is only fit for spackling holes in plaster. The only abomination I've found that could possibly top it is a low-fat knish I was once foolish enough to buy. Something weird is happening in America: when I was a kid, we put butter on everything. Milk was just milk - no skim or 1% - unless it was chocolate milk. Knishes left greasy streaks on your plate and napkin. And very few people were fat.

Now everything's low fat/low carb, everyone's on a diet, and most of us - including me - are lard-asses.

I suspect that infernal "food pyramid". Back when we had the Four Food Groups, we seemed to do just fine.

[question everything]

37. With fat free and low calories, people think that they can eat more

I'd rather have a bit of butter on my toast, and a bit of oil in the skillet for frying instead of all the alternatives which are worse than the original.

I have some recipes from the 90 that were supposed to have been lean and they direct me to use margarine and spray the pan - two items that I have long abandoned as they are worse than butter and oil.

[azmouse]

29. Bless you for the laugh!

That's exactly how I feel about holiday food. I can watch what I eat in January but for now I want to enjoy some treats!

[JI7]

30. i start living like this starting Thankgiving

until the end of the year. i love food.

[all.of.me]

35. Oh no no! Halloween is the beginning of the eating season...... nt

[Oak2004]

38. And the last holiday of the holiday season is Superbowl Sunday nt

[all.of.me]

41. Right. Then they expect you to put on a bathing suit and go on spring vacation! nt

[Oak2004]

42. There are at least three weeks between the Superbowl and spring vacation to schedule the liposuction

nt

[all.of.me]

43. Yeah, I suppose you're right. ;) nt

[pleah]

31. K&R "Life should NOT be a

journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screeming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I think I will use that as my sig line from now on. I love it.

[BrklynLiberal]

33. Thanks for the laugh. I will share this one!!!..Oh, and the good advice as well..

[babydollhead]

36. agreed!

[surrealAmerican]

39. This was obviously written by someone who never had ...

... mashed potatoes made with cream. Once they try those, they will never eat the ones made with milk again.

[beac]

40. Love it--- especially the last line! n/t

[Withywindle]

44. I think there are a few you missed....

11. (If you're cooking). Put rum or brandy in everything. Seriously. Everything. It enhances the flavor and makes everything far more festive.


12. (as a guest). If you overeat and overdrink so much you wind up barfing when you get home, feel no remorse (unless you missed the toilet - you should totally hate yourself for that). The Romans didn't. It's a natural part of Saturnalia; the body clearing space so you can eat and drink more later if you want to.

13. (the morning after). If you still feel like shit from your overindulgence the night before, drag yourself over to the computer and make a donation online to Oxfam or any other good charity devoted to feeding hungry people. If you can, make it roughly the equivalent cash value of what you think you shoveled in last night. Then call in sick and go back to sleep.