The 10 Newspaper Comic Strips that Need to F**king End

[n2doc]

By Alicia Ashby

So, Lynn Johnston’s For Better or For Worse ended not that long ago. Well, not “ended” ended. In an example of true comic strip insanity, she’s opted not to simply retire the strip from papers, but to send the strip into reruns that are interspersed with new strips created in the style of the old strips. In the wake of the long-awaited Foobocalypse, the strip has become some sort of horrible shambling zombie that desperately needs to have its head blown off by a shotgun shell.

This is a clear example of why today's newspaper comics page is an increasingly sad, run-down place. In our youth, we were able to read The Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes; sure, we were sad when they ended, but in retrospect it's much better being able to enjoy re-reading them, rather than have the strips continue indefinitely and inevitably become terrible. When strips continue past their prime, they needlessly clog space which could be given to new, potentially funny strips...and thus, this is why the newspaper's comics pages feature the same bland horrible pieces of shit we all hated as a kid. These strips are terrible, shambling zombie that long since stopped making any sense or even being mildly funny, and have been in papers for longer than most of us have been alive. And like all un-living monstrosities, these 10 comic strips desperately need to die.

9) Funky Winkerbean, 1972+

I remember reading Funky Winkerbean for a bit when I was a kid. Even back then I could tell it was something of a stoner’s comic, telling slice-of-life jokes about school life in a sort of dreamy haze. I checked back on it earlier this year, just in time to see the “Cancer” phase of the strip in full stride, which gave way to the mind-boggling melodramatic Death of Lisa and her even more ridiculous afterlife of dancing with some jackass dressed up like the Phantom of the Opera.

Now the strip is still sad and depressing, but in a more subtle and poignant way. Now we see all of those once-vivacious college stoners as broken-down old men and women, energy blissfully sapped away by their children, still talking to each other out of the sheer inertia of daily routine. There is very little I can count on to depress me more in a day than a new Funky Winkerbean strip, provided I don’t go try to read letters to the editor.

Do you know why people stop talking to each other after college? Because they don’t want to see their wild frat buddies begin the slow slide into becoming middle-aged, emotionally drained shells of humanity. For whatever reason, the creator of Funky Winkerbean has decided to document that degenerative process in excruciating detail. Why not just toss a little snapshot of an animal carcass passing through the stages of decay onto the comics page while you’re at it? It’s about as easy to look at as modern Funky Winkerbean.

more:
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2008/09/the_10_newspaper_comic_strips_that_need_to_fking_e.php

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. Child, you don't know comics!

When I was a kid, the comics section in the Sunday paper was huge--panels larger, and in full color. I read "Mandrake the Magician", "The Katzenjammer Kids", "Mutt and Jeff", "Prince Valiant", and the newcomer called "Peanuts". "Thimble Theater" was another favorite, but I didn't like "Mary Worth" or "Rex Morgan, MD"--too much like soap opera. "Bringing Up Father" was great--I got a book with some of the first strips, and I can tell you it was fun looking how the styles changed over the years.

The strips you talk about were okay, but didn't acquire the longevity of the classics. Only one following in the footsteps of the Grand Masters is "Doonesbury" imho.

[dflprincess]

2. And they weren't "comics" they were the "funnies"

Nobody calls them that any more.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

4. That's right

"Comics" meant the comic books you could buy at the supermarket, along with "Mad" Magazine--which had no advertising.

[Sal Minella]

8. Dick Tracy. Little Orphan Annie. Jiggs & Maggie. Alley Oop.

Obviously, I'm a lot older than you are, but remember the ones you name too.

[Art_from_Ark]

24. I remember Alley Oop

but I could never understand it. Or Orphan Annie, for that matter (and why didn't she have any irises in her eyes?) But my grandfather liked Oop.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

38. Oh, I remember them too

Just couldn't put all of them in the list.

[wtmusic]

9. There Oughta Be A Law?

Blondie? Dondi? Beetle Bailey? The Wizard of Id?

I know my Silly Putty's around here somewhere... :D

[Arugula Latte]

26. And we all wore onions on our belts!

(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

[central scrutinizer]

3. He's got Family Circus on the list, so he got one right at least

that sappy, right-wing, dead-gramps-as-angel bullshit and the fucking dotted lines make me apoplectic. although I have disciplined by eyes to completely skip over that one.

[Sebastian Doyle]

5. Well, he's right about BC, Wizard of Idiot, and Family Circus

Because they have all turned into such pathetic right wing garbage. How did the horribly unfunny "Mallard Fillmore" escape the ax?

[XemaSab]

30. The author is clearly familiar with the strips she rips apart

I'm sure she didn't even WANT to be that familiar with "Mallard Fillmore." :P

[On the Road]

6. That is a Pretty Good Article

With some pretty well written rants. My favorite:

No, The Born Loser is a mobius strip that leads to and exists in hell. It’s the endless wheel of samsara, grinding a man ever more finely into dust for our supposed amusement. It would be one thing if The Born Loser’s endless parade of hate was a good hilarious black comedy, but most of the jokes are like malformed one-armed Ritalin babies, too deformed and nonfunctional to live.

I was expecting Prince Valiant and Mark Trail to make an appearance, or perhaps Mary Worth and Apartment 3-G. Are those even in the papers any more? I haven't seen a funnies section in years.

[rug]

7. Why isn't Mallard Fillmore on that list?

[MrMonk]

10. All that, and no one's mentioned Heathcliffe?

A nasty little man in a cat suit, and the same handful of situations recycled endlessly.
"Hey, look! That cat tossed a garbage can while the garbage men gave commentary. And he has a bunch of girlfriend cats and loves mice."

[SavageDem]

11. Good find!

Ah, I needed some comic <wink> relief! That article left me giggling in concurrence. And, contrary to some of the comments at the end of the article, I find a well-used profanity can add immensely to the comic value. Not around my children, of course, but then I'm not giving them this to read right now, either. Not until they're at least 10. Oh, wait: they're already there!

My children can't understand how I read the comics. Not in page order, but rather in order of reliable "funniness" from worst to best, and I only read a small subset of the available comics. Something like Baby Blues, Get Fuzzy, Dilbert, Opus, Doonesbury, with maybe one or two more thrown in. But there sure is a dearth of good comics in the Star Tribune (Minneapolis/St. Paul). Oh for the days of yesteryear, with Far Side and Bloom County. Gary Trudeau is the only shining light that has spanned the decades and keeps on hittin' the spot.

[HughBeaumont]

12. Good. They didn't put Peanuts. I was about to bust a CAP.

Chuck Schulz is immortal. Without Peanuts, you pretty much have no modern strips.

Yes, I agree with pretty much most of those choices. Toss in Hagar the Horrible, Marmaduke, Blondie and Beetle Bailey and you got a complete list. How many times can I see fucking 9000 year old Dithers still kick Dagwood in the ass or that fat bastard Sarge beat up Beetle and some still think this shit's funny?

Here's a problem, though. A lot of newer "strip" format comics besides P & S, Get Fuzzy, Dilbert and Zits really aren't that funny or classic. Many online comics such as TMW, Tom the Dancing Bug, The City by Derf, Red Meat, Ted Rall and The Perry Bible Fellowship blow most newspaper strips away. I especially love when Ruben Bolling makes fun of moldy newspaper comic formats in his "Super Fun Pax Comix" recurrence. It doesn't get more biting than that.

I think they need to bring BACK Krazy Kat, Bloom County, Calvin & Hobbes, Little Nemo in Slumberland and The Boondocks, damn it.

[alfredo]

13. 9 Chickweed is pretty good. Well drawn. Over the Hedge and Non Sequiter

are always entertaining.


Garfield Minus Garfield is my favorite
http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/

[HughBeaumont]

16. Garfield - Garfield >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Garfield.

Now everytime I read Garfield, I pretend he's not there and the strip is instantly better.

[baldguy]

17. Garfield is more interesting without Garfield.

[alfredo]

18. Jon becomes an even sadder character.

[XemaSab]

31. It really opens a door on what the strip's actually about

and the strip is about a very sad man living a very empty life.

Instead of a very sad man, a very stupid dog, and a very lazy, sarcastic cat leading empty lives.

[alfredo]

39. His loneliness has driven him mad.

[TXDemGal]

14. Relieved to see Snuffy Smith on the list

Though my hubby of 20 yrs. would be sad to see it go. :P

[Art_from_Ark]

25. I always liked Snuffy Smith

I think he was the model for my high school's mascot! And there were plenty of "shifless skonks" who followed in Snuffy's footsteps after graduation!

[Blue_Tires]

15. wow...i did NOT know Funky Winkerbean was still in print

was one of my favorites when everyone was still in high school...then one day i pick it up, and everyone aged 20 years...Cathy lost a lot of wit once she got married...

please also ditch Mallard Fillmore and Prickly City

[tammywammy]

19. I agree with every one that's on that list

Most especially The Family Circus. It ruins all the comics just by being on the page.

[begin_within]

20. I have never understood "Mary Worth"

[PatGund]

21. No Garfield??

No Mallard Fillmore?

No Mary Worth??

[fortyfeetunder]

22. That writer has too much time on her hands

There is such a thing as skipping over a comic...

[Hekate]

23. Beetle Bailey needs to go to Iraq and stay there. Mary Worth belongs in assisted living.

Heathcliff and Garfield's vet needs to send them to that great litter box in the sky.

Boondocks please come back! Candorville and LA Cucaracha are great, but Hughie has genuine bite.

Hekate

[Arugula Latte]

27. Kill Family Fucking Circus NOW!!!

:grr:

[Phredicles]

28. How the hell does Beetle Bailey not make that list?

"Momma" also sucks hairy, wrinkly, poorly wiped ass.

Candorville fucking rules, however.

[FloridaJudy]

29. Omigosh. Snort.

Thanks for that! The best line in the entire piece:

God, how do you even make fun of the Family Circus at this point? It’s made out of the equivalent of spent-comedy uranium, dense and impenetrable.

I think the Family Circus is the funny pages' equivalent of Thomas Kincade's "art": some people love it, but I have no earthly idea why.

[XemaSab]

32. It's far too gentle to be interesting or challenging

:shrug:

[vanderBeth]

33. I'm glad someone else thought of Funky Winkerbean.

It's not funny. It's just sad now. My mom gets depressed reading it.

But half of those funnies aren't even in my paper.

[pokerfan]

34. Easier to simply list the ones I've enjoyed

Calvin and Hobbes, Peanuts, Bloom County and all its spinoffs, The Far Side, Dilbert, Pogo, Doonesbury, Life in Hell, Foxtrot, Cyanide and Happiness, xkcd

But Calvin was the best...

[DainBramaged]

35. I stopped reading newspapers years ago, as have the majority of people in the US

so this is irrelevant.

The Decline of Newspapers

Paper Crisis: "If the economy were better, newspapers would be better," said Mort Goldstrom, vice president for advertising at the Newspaper Association of America.

Meanwhile, newspapers nationwide lost more than $130 million last year in auto ad sales. Car ads have gone from 10% of national newspaper ads, to less than 3% in just three years.

But it's not just newspapers. In 2004, about $24 billion was doled out to television, print, and radio ads. Slow sales coupled with cash-strapped automakers and dealerships have cut that number to about $15 billion in 2008.

Magazines are also suffering, losing $72 million in automotive advertising in the first quarter.

Newspapers and magazines are experiencing severe circulation drops as more people get news and information online.

Television viewership is not growing either; more time spent in front of a computer screen translates to lest time spent in front of a television screen.

Ad rates are based on circulation/viewership. When these decline, so do ad revenues.

My question is, "When newspapers are gone, what am I going to use to mask stuff off when I'm spray painting?"

http://www.joesherlock.com/newspaper.html

[LSdemocrat]

36. Interestingly, my local newspaper just doubled the number of daily comics printed in color

They went from one black and white and one color page to two color pages of comics. Will it improve circulation? Who knows?

Also interestingly, my paper only carries two of the comics on the list.

[Common Sense Party]

37. I agree with #1. "Cathy" should be #2.

[slackmaster]

40. Funky Winkerbean jumped the shark after Lisa died - Sally Forth is the true enemy of the people

The narrative in FW jumped forward a number of years and stayed there.

:argh:

Sally Forth has always sucked.

[Taliesan]

41. Opus

I grew up loving Bloom County.  Opus is usually funny and
all... but would have been better to remain a childhood
memory.

[renate]

42. I can't believe I haven't seen a link to the greatest comics blog EVAH

http://joshreads.com/

Prepare to :rofl: