Post your favorite George Carlin lines:

[Kerrytravelers]

Most people don't know what they're doing. And a lot of them are really good at it.

[Rosco T.]

1. A few..

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"

"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."

[Archae]

11. New Nabisco Tits!

Tater tits...can't eat just one... :rofl:

[ccharles000]

29. Yuck!

[hfojvt]

20. So he's to blame for that one

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

I might say that more people get stupid by hearing misinformation, but I remember how Sam Kineson reacted to the complaint that one of his jokes was 'medically incorrect'. Something like, "well when I went to Medical School to learn how to tell jokes..."

One of the things about 'humor' though, is there's often a person or thing who is the butt of the joke. Polish jokes are not funny to Polish people, nor Iowa jokes to Iowans, generally any more than racist 'jokes' are funny to black people, or whichever racist is the butt of the joke. Therefore, as a defender of average people, and an opponent of supercilious people who think they are smarter than everybody else, I don't particularly care for that one. At all.

[RadiationTherapy]

60. The people it's about won't get it anyway! Relax! nt

[hfojvt]

23. I thought I had heard Gallagher say the parkway/driveway one

http://blogs.msdn.com/michkap/archive/2007/03/21/1923275.aspx

From 1984. Did Carlin say it earlier?

[gkhouston]

89. Oh yes. Much earlier. n/t

[TheWatcher]

31. Delete.

Wrong spot.

[The_Casual_Observer]

2. Jumbo shrimp

[Occulus]

3. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky

who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

[Arugula Latte]

8. Love that one. Nobody "got" religion better than Carlin.

[ellisonz]

17. Religion

easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

[Arugula Latte]

19. *snort*

The ridiculousness of this stuff is so apparent to so many of us, but not many were willing to just come right out and say it, because god forbid (pun intended) we should offend anybody's *gasp* religion. You stick the label of "faith" on any BS and suddenly it's off limits from criticism or satire. But Carlin just blew right through those barriers, and his observations were side-splittingly funny to boot. He was the best.

[pilar007]

4. pro-gress/con-gress n/t

[lpbk2713]

5. We park on a driveway

and drive on a parkway. :shrug:

[Arugula Latte]

6. "Have you ever noticed pro-lifers are people you wouldn't want to fuck anyway?"

:rofl:

[Kolesar]

64. :yeah:

[Initech]

7. "You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says Shit Happens."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X0F1Qjn0Ac

[AlCzervik]

9. The Beard Poem.

I'm aware some stare at my hair.
In fact, to be fair,
Some really despair of my hair.
But I don't care,
Cause they're not aware,
Nor are they devonaire.
In fact, they're just square.

They see hair down to there,
Say, "Beware" and go off on a tear!
I say, "No fair!"
A head that's bare is really nowhere.
So be like a bear, be fair with your hair!
Show it you care.
Wear it to there.
Or to there.
Or to there, if you dare!

My wife bought some hair at a fair, to use as a spare.
Did I care?
Au contraire!
Spare hair is fair!
In fact, hair can be rare.
Fred Astair got no hair,
Nor does a chair,
Nor nor a chocolate eclair,
And where is the hair on a pear?
Nowhere, mon frere!


Here's my beard.

Ain't it weird?

Don't be sceered,

Just a beard
So now that I've shared this affair of the hair,
I'm going to repair to my lair and use Nair, do you care?

[Kerrytravelers]

10. Here is another favorite:

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

[eowyn_of_rohan]

37. Classic!

:rofl:

[AlCzervik]

12. Shoot is just Shit with two o's.

[Forkboy]

13. Book title: How To Conquer Self Doubt....Or Should I?

[Eric J in MN]

14. "Religion is bullshit."

"When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day."

http://www.rense.com/general69/obj.htm

[bridgit]

15. And I paraphrase a master, "Why are people so surprised America is so war-like...

"...when we have the only national anthem with bombs and rockets right in it!!" Love you, George O8)

[truebluecollar]

16. 71...

same as 69 but with two fingers up the ass

[Duer 157099]

18. "A Modern Man" from "Life is Worth Losing"

I have this transcribed somewhere... but in the meantime, listen to it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MjxTxIzW7I&feature=related

[Richard Steele]

21. "Tell the Captain: Air Marshal Carlin says GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

From "Jammin' in New York", my favorite Carlin performance
(and his, according to many reporters who asked...)


"The Captain has turned on the seat belt sign."

Well WHO gives a SHIT who turned it on!?!??
What does that have to do with anything?
It's on, isn't it?

And WHO made this man a 'Captain'...might I ask?

Did I sleep through some sort of an Armed Forces
'swearing-in ceremony' or something?

Captain? He's a fucking PILOT and let him be happy with that!

If those 'sight-seeing announcements' are any mark of his intellect,
he's LUCKY to be working at all!

Tell the Captain: Air Marshal Carlin says GO FUCK YOURSELF!"




From "Jammin' in New York", part 3 of 6:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q1lZNowEvY&feature=related

I highly recommend you watch "part 2" first; it's really not
as good without the lead-up.
part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Phdw-Huwl_g&feature=related

[Arugula Latte]

22. I saw Carlin live once where he observed that it was more than a coincidence that Bush I got a polyp

on his finger not long after Reagan was diagnosed with polyps in his ass. :rofl:

[KT2000]

24. Stuff n/t

[Faux pas]

25. If God hadn't meant for us to

masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.

RIP George, you brought a lot of laughter to this dreary world....Peace out Man.

[GreenEyedLefty]

50. Bwa ha ha... I posted that one down below

Man, that's a great line.

[Faux pas]

109. LOL he was a genius, no doubt!

[Greyhound]

26. Not a line, but the whole "wonderful WINO" bit.

You made a difference, George, we'll miss you.
:kick: & R

[Greyhound]

27. "My name is Congolia Breckenridge..."

...the doctor said it was a hell of a bounce."

[Lone Dem]

28. Talking about telling someone that they have bad breath:

Anyone can have bad breath. But you could knock a fly off of a sh*t cart.

Makes me giggle every time.

[Sydnie]

106. Anyone can have bad breath Marge, but you could knock a buzzard

off a shit wagon!


Hadn't thought of that bit in years!

Thanks for reminding me. :rofl:

[latebloomer]

30. On saving the planet

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?
The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet...the planet...the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!
We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

[BrklynLib at work]

88. I believe that Kurt Vonnegut Jr felt the same way.

I think I saw him say something to this effect on The Jon Stewart Show.

Yes, here it is....
http://media.www.dailyvanguard.com/media/storage/paper941/news/2007/04/17/Opinion/So.It.Goes-2845188.shtml

On The Daily Show late last year, Vonnegut gave one of the great definitions of global warming. "Our planet's immune system," he said, "is trying to get rid of us, and should."

Here's the last piece of writing Kurt Vonnegut had published at the end of his book A Man Without A Country.

Requiem

The crucified planet Earth,
should it find a voice
and a sense of irony,
might now well say
of our abuse of it,
"Forgive them, Father,
They know not what they do."

The irony would be
that we know what
we are doing.

When the last living thing
has died on account of us,
how poetical it would be
if Earth could say,
in a voice floating up
perhaps
from the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
"It is done."
People did not like it here.

- Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - 2007)

[TheWatcher]

32. Probably his most relevant quote for the current times......

"It's Called The American Dream, Because You have To Be Asleep To Believe It."

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

33. Regarding, the late great Richard Pryor

"An update on the comedian health sweepstakes. I currently lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks 2 to 1. But Richard still leads me 1 to nothing in burning yourself up. See, it happened like this. First Richard had a heart attack. Then I had a heart attack. Then Richard burned himself up. And I said, 'Fuck that. I'm having another heart attack!"

George, you might not have believed in an afterlife, but I do, and if I'm right, I hope Richard was there to meet you.

((((((George)))))) you are wonderful and I love you.

[ulysses]

34. Snoopy-shaped vibrator.

[RayOfHope]

35. Paraphrasing here, stuff from a show in December:

People talk about God and their 'God given rights'. Why wouldn't God give you a right to a roof over your head? Why wouldn't God give you a right to food on your table, or affordable medical care?

I butchered that, but its the gist of what he said.

[Dark]

36. "When you're born, you get a ticket to a freak show,

when you're born in America, you get a front-row seat."

[Sydnie]

38. It's five minutes past the big hour of 5 o'clock.

Thank you Hippie Dippie Weather Man. Thank you.

[rndmprsn]

39. Chocolatey...you know what that means? No fucking Chocolate!

love the guy

his baseball v football analogy was classic

[Cooley Hurd]

40. "Make Fuck, not Kill..."

His version of "Make Love, Not War...":rofl:

[Sheets of Easter]

46. Okay sheriff, we're gonna fuck you now!

But we're gonna fuck you slow...

[jmowreader]

41. The "Interview with Jesus Christ" was classic

Carlin played Jesus.

On the doubting Thomas: "Every time I see him he cards me. 'Got any ID?'"

On starting over: "If I had to do it all over again, I'd start me one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. See, Buddha's smart. That's why he's laughing." 'You wouldn't want to be a Christian?' "No, I would never want to be part of a religion whose symbol is a man nailed to a cross. Especially since it's me."

[jmowreader]

42. The "Interview with Jesus Christ" was classic

Carlin played Jesus.

On the doubting Thomas: "Every time I see him he cards me. 'Got any ID?'"

On starting over: "If I had to do it all over again, I'd start me one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. See, Buddha's smart. That's why he's laughing." 'You wouldn't want to be a Christian?' "No, I would never want to be part of a religion whose symbol is a man nailed to a cross. Especially since it's me."

[FlaGranny]

43. Stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac

[shanti]

70. stuff - i loved that one too!

:hi:

[lpbk2713]

71. That's a classic. Thanks for the link.

"Their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff."

[Sheets of Easter]

44. "They tell me to put my seat back forward- well I don't bend that way!"

"If I could put my seat back forward, I'd be in porno movies!"

[pdxmom]

45. "Is it meat? Or is it cake?" N/T

[DefenseLawyer]

101. It looks like... Meatcake! n/t

[Sheets of Easter]

47. Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that-

most of the people who are against abortion are the people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?


There's such balance in nature...

[bunkerbuster1]

48. "If you want to know what a moronic word 'lifestyle' is

all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an 'active, outdoor lifestyle.'"

[GreenEyedLefty]

49. If God hadn't intended for people to masturbate...

he would have made their arms shorter.

:)

[Echo In Light]

51. "Conservatives need live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

[sendero]

52. Needless to say...

... I LOVE George Carlin and always have. His passing is sad, but he left us a lot to think about.

[rucky]

53. Everybody that drives slower than you is an idiot.

Everybody that drives faster than you is a maniac.

[moondust]

54. In America anybody can be president. That's the problem.

(Confirmed to be absolutely true by George W. Bush and others before him.)

[KharmaTrain]

55. The Great Ad Axiom...If You Nail To Things Together No One Has Nailed Before

...some schmuck will buy it. Or another version...if you build a better mousetrap, some schmuck will come along and build a better mouse!

The problem isn't finding one Carlin line, it's trying to find only one. The man spoke to and for a generation like few others could.

[eowyn_of_rohan]

56. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

4. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

5. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

7. Is there another word for synonym?

8. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

11. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

12. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

13. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

14. How is it possible to have a civil war?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

16. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

17. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

19. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

20. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[lame54]

100. that whole list could be a Steven Wright routine

[eowyn_of_rohan]

57. One more: "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist".

Amen, brother.

[Blue_Tires]

96. WIN

[CrispyQ]

58. I learned from Carlin

that all you really have to wash is your mouth, pits & crotch.

RIP George. You will be greatly missed.

[Wizard777]

59. "Get on the plane." Fuck you! I'm getting IN the plane.

:rofl:

[spanone]

61. one day they will find that saliva causes cancer

but only when taken in small amounts over a long period of time

[Kolesar]

62. These days, we only bomb brown people.

But all that aside, let me tell you what I liked about that Gulf War: it was
the first war that appeared on every television channel, including cable.

And even though the TV show consisted largely of Pentagon war criminals
displaying maps and charts, it got very good ratings. And that makes sense,
because we like war. We're a warlike people. We can't stand not to be
fucking with someone. We couldn't wait for the Cold War to end so we could
climb into the big Arab sandbox and play with our nice new toys. We enjoy
war.

And one reason we enjoy it is that we're good at it. You know why we're good
at it? Because we get alot of practice. This country is only 200 years old,
and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty
years, So we're good at it!

And it's just as well we are, because we're not very good at anything else.
Can't build a decent car anymore. Can't make a TV set, a cell phone, or a
VCR. Got no steel industry left. No textiles. Can't educate our young
people. Can't get health care to our old people. But we can bomb the shit
outta your country, all right. We can bomb the shit outta your country!

If You're Brown, You're Goin Down

Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh, we like that, don't
we? That's our hobby now. But it's also our new job in the world: bombing
brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya. You got some brown people in
your country? Tell 'em to watch the fuck out, or we'll goddamn bomb them!

Well, who were the last white people you can remember that we bombed? In
fact, can you remember any white people we ever bombed? The Germans! That's
it! Those are the only ones. And that was only because they were tryin' to
cut in on our action. They wanted to dominate the world.

Bullshit! That's our job. That's our fuckin' job.

But the Germans are ancient history. These days, we only bomb brown people.
And not because they're cutting in our action; we do it because they're
brown. Even those Serbs we bombed in Yugoslavia aren't really white, are
they? Naaah! They're sort of down near the swarthy end of the white
spectrum. Just brown enough to bomb. I'm still waiting for the day we bomb
the English. People who really deserve it.

https://lists.resist.ca/pipermail/mobglob-discuss/2002-September/000329.html

[jazzjunkysue]

115. Thanks! I saved that one. n/t.

[MurrayDelph]

63. Leftovers

What a said word. Leftovers. Leftovers are food that wasn't good-enough to be eaten in the first time.

But leftovers let you feel good about yourself. When you put them in the fridge, you get to say "See how smart I am? I'm saving MONEY."

Six months later, when you find them in the back of the fridge, with the edges all pulled away, and you finally throw them out, you get to say "See how smart I am? I'm saving MY LIFE!"

[okieinpain]

65. no quotes here, just want to say that I've been laughing my ass off

for over an hour now. man what a life that dude lived, truly he was one of the invisible man in the sky children. truly brilliant and will be truly missed.

[FredScuttle]

66. I loved his delivery in the "Baseball" routine

Here's a way to make baseball much more interesting....a series of randomly-placed land mines in the outfield. Wouldn't that be great?

"Here's Marshall settling under that flyball..."

BOOOOOOOM

"Holy Shit"

[Lyric]

73. ....

:rofl:

Oh god, I'd never heard that one.

I'm going to miss Carlin so much.

[gkhouston]

90. Nor have I, but I can easily imagine his delivery.

Ah, I will miss him. I remember the first time I heard the "7 words" routine, when I was 11. Thought it was hysterical.

[peekaloo]

67. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back home, set them on fire.

RIP

[deaniac21]

68. My chest hurts like hell!

[me b zola]

80. You are an ass

[deaniac21]

113. bows

[FreepFryer]

69. A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool. (n/t)

[FreepFryer]

97. "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." (n/t)

[theboss]

72. Baseball vs Football was his best bit ever, imo

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

[theboss]

75. A place for my stuff

Actually this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all, a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time.

A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff!

Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your stuff on it. Somebody else's shit is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down!"

Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your stuff. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff--you put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff--here's another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some stuff here..." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your stuff with you. That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here."

Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The third version of your house. Just enough stuff to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got stuff ALL the way back on the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over."

Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna need.

[Arugula Latte]

82. One of the best things about that routine was the different voices he used for each sport.

The baseball voice was a gentle, lilting, idealistic and naive kind of voice.
The football voice was a no-nonsense authoritative militaristic kind of voice.

[kentuck]

74. I'm bookmarking these !

Just for George! Rest in Peace, you old Hippie!

[babydollhead]

76. Help around the house?

Why should I help around the house? I do all of the work in bed

[Jack Rabbit]

77. It's called the American dream (two beat pause)

. . . because you have to be asleep to believe it.

[SteppingRazor]

78. "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity" has to be my favorite. n/t

[pipi_k]

79. One of my all time favorites was a song...

I send my sinuses to Arizona,
I send my liver to Peru,
I send my lungs and my kidney
For the summer to Sydney,
But I'm sending my heart to you.



I also loved his "Ahtificial faht under the ahm" routine


RIP George....

[eowyn_of_rohan]

81. I think this is the greatest tribute we could give him today

Thanks for this thread!

[GuvWurld]

83. Advice for job interviews

...tell the interviewer you don't need a two martini lunch, but you must have a three joint coffee break.

[Blue Diadem]

84. This was written by his daughter about her Mom's death, something George did

Snip from this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kelly-carlinmccall/mothers-day_b_26988.html


The ICU is not pleasant. Mom is hooked up to every possible device and her eyes are open in a very disturbing way. She is not looking at anything. She is not conscious. Dad has not seen her in over ten days. She is very yellow, very bloated, and bald. He tenderly cradles her face in his hand, kisses her, and says, "Oh, Brenny, oh, Brenny." And then wipes her eyes with a tissue. Two years later I will find this tissue in a box of mementos with a note in my father's handwriting identifying it as the tissue he wiped her tears with on that last day. His love is huge. My love for him is too. At 10:38 PM we say our good-byes. They turn off the machine and she is released.
--------------------------------------------------------

RIP George

[BrklynLib at work]

94. I remember reading that his wife's death almost killed him.

[SOS]

85. Sometimes it's just the order of the words...

On TV, it's OK to prick your finger, but it's not OK to finger your prick.

[Scout]

86. did you ever notice that most people who are against abortion...

are people you wouldn't want to fuck anyway?

[Froward69]

87. on the plane rather

IN the plane... the stewardess told us our seat could be used as a flotation device... thats the last thing I need, to be floating around in the middle of the Atlantic ocean holding onto a cushion full of Beer farts.

[NightWatcher]

91. on prostitution: fucking is legal and selling is legal, but selling fucking is illegal

[rocktivity]

92. "Tonight's forecast: Dark."

"And here's a partial sports score--Chicago: 6."

Thank you and good night, George.

:applause:
rocknation

[hellbound-liberal]

93. “Thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won’t have to die. I’ll pass away!”

Here is Carlin delivering his special take on language and how it defines our reality. He was in a class by himself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h67k9eEw9AY

[Bluerthanblue]

95. "never ending battle for TRUTH, JUSTICE and The American Way- I always thought

truth and justice was the american way".


he was pondering about 'superman'

[KamaAina]

98. It's 8:00 in Los Angeles! It's 9:00 in Denver! It's 10:00 in Chicago!

In Baltimore, it's 6:42! Time for the eleven o'clock report...

(native Baltimorean here says :rofl: )

[latebloomer]

99. kick

Too good to slide off the front page!

[hack89]

102. You can prick your finger but you can't finger your prick. nt

[KamaAina]

103. Doo doo, ca ca, poo poo,

and good old Number Two!

[XOKCowboy]

104. The full "American Dream" video..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ4SSvVbhLw&feature=related

[dolo amber]

105. One of my faves:

"Let me tell you a true story about immunization ok? When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!"

Full bit here: http://scottmacknight.blogspot.com/2008/04/george-carlin-fear-of-germs.html

[MzNov]

107. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. n/t

[undergroundpanther]

108. About dogs

.... A good rule of thumb is keep the dog's asshole below eye-level. So we compromised, and we got us a mid-sized dog. Knee-high, just about like this size here.Best size dog you can own by the way. Most people know this is the ideal size dog to have. You know why, anybody comes to visit you, the first thing that dog does is take his nose and put it, (click) right in their crotch. Ooooooooo...Oooohoohooo...he smells my dog. No. "No Marge, I don't believe that's the animal he has in mind." And people get embarrassed by that, don't they? Especially the owner of the dog. The owner gets more embarrassed than the other person. Saying, "Stop that! Will you stop that! Stop it! I'm awfully sorry about this." Not me! I'll say, "Get in there and get some of that. Get in there and stiff that thing out, go on." "Listen, would you mind spreading your legs a little bit...so he can get right in there. Okay, looking good now. So how's your mom and dad doing anyway? Well, god bless them, they's a wonderful couple." Say, "go around in the back, check it out in the back now, sniff that other thing in the back there." "What's that? Well there's two different smells he likes, what can I tell you? Huh? Don't pay him no attention, he'll be finished in about a half an hour." "So listen reverend...it's real nice of you to come and call on us like this. Everyone is always glad to see you around here. Especially that goddam dog." Those dogs are great, they'll break the ice when a new neighbor comes to call. "Hi were the Jooohhhnsons. What's his name?" "Ballsniffer. He's a Crotch-hound. Let me know if you want to get circumcised, he on duty till five o'clock."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carlin was an inspiration,and he told it like it is.
I will miss him.I formed alot of my arguments against psych ward anti-cussing idiots from listening,laughing, and pondering Carlin's true wit about language when it is controlled by stupid people.If he finally encounters angels,I hope he has alot of hot sauce, blue cheese dressing and celery.Because it's gonna be a helluva party with all those goblins and zombies...

[Earth Bound Misfit]

110. Class Clown was my favorite...

It was a sin for you to wanna feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to feel her up. It was a sin to try to feel her up and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins in one feel, man!

[SeattleGirl]

111. Fucking meow. Fucking meow.

His schtick on cats and dogs cracks me up!

[Initech]

112. "My motto is live and let live."

"Anyone who cant live with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker."

[libodem]

114. I remember the days of the

Hippie Dippy Weatherman on Laugh-in. What 40 years ago, now?