Of Fantasy Chocolate and Reality Tuna...

[SidneyCarton]

A posting from my blog, http://loadstonerock.blogspot.com

I had an experience this evening that seems to illustrate the fact that I am growing older. As I went to pick up dinner this evening, I heard Mike Malloy discuss some of the truly awful abuses perpetrated by our forces against prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Upon returning home, the wife and I watched a movie we had rented, and both rather liked, the fantasy film "Stardust." I grew up loving fantasy books and films. One of the works of literature that has influenced me the most in my life is J. R. R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. When we were children, I often astounded the girl who would grow up to marry me (the poor dear) by imagining whole worlds in which we could play and explore. Yet tonight, my innards already churning with the horrors done in my and my nation's name, the fantasy fell flat. In the face of the stark, awful, unspeakable horror of reality, any attempt at escape paled and ceased to please.

I think the reason for such a reaction has to do with the conflicting tastes associated with fantasy and reality. To use an analogy: I like chocolate and I like tuna, each in its own sphere is a true delight to consume, but the combination of the two in a format such as chocolate-covered tuna would be highly unpleasant, if not outright disgusting. Fantasy is like chocolate, it is pleasant, decadent, and at times even necessary as it ups the serotonin levels in the brain, combating depression and other ills. Yet, taken in too great an amount chocolate leaves one malnourished, with plaque filled arteries, and possibly addicted to its attendant caffeine rush. One may overdose on fantasy as well, though this tends to leave one living in one's mother's basement, alone and a virgin at 35.

On the other hand, reality, like tuna can be nourishing, healthy and (if correctly prepared) even a little tasty. However if engorged upon to excess, tuna swiftly becomes foul, boring and even a tad disgusting. So it is with reality, if we wallow too much in the horrors of the world we have created for ourselves, we suffer from the mercury poisoning of cynicism, bitterness and utter faithlessness, believing in nothing greater than our own ability to gain and serve our own bellies.

Nevertheless, it is our ability to determine the difference between fantasy and reality that determines our ability to function in the world. I always wanted to be the knight in shining armor growing up. I wanted to swoop in, slay the dragon/giant/ogre, etc..., rescue the damsel in distress and ride off into the sunset. Somewhere in mid adolescence, (somewhere between the continuous pinning and beat downs I suffered during 2 1/2 years as a wrestler, I suspect) I began to realize that such was not to be my destiny. Looking in the mirror now, I see the short, pudgy clerk who walks with a limp that I am. Certainly not the pleasing picture of Prince Charming I might have hoped for, but a man I can respect nonetheless. This realization has come at a price however, for my dear wife notes with regret that I no longer create the panoramic vistas of imagination I once did with quite the same gusto. Such is the sacrifice I have had to make, for the very talent that made me such a great playmate as a child, would make me a poor breadwinner as a husband. Yet there will always be bedtime stories for the children...

I say this, because my mind is driven to those who, unable to come to such a reconciliation, sought to impose their fantasy world on our reality. Like the southern gentlemen who, unable to deal with the changed status of the post Civil-War south, sought to continue their fantasy of a chivalrous knighthood of white men, defending fair white ladies. This dream brought us the nightmare of the KKK. Still worse were the operatic inspired dreams of a young Vienna artist, who sought to shape the 20th century along the lines of Wagner's operas. Hitler succeeded all too well, culminating with his Gotterdammerung in the ruined shell of 1945 Berlin. He did not do his work alone, indeed, one of his lieutenants was another nerd who had dreamed of being a white knight in his youth. Heinrich Himmler would actually create his chivalric order, and the world uses his SS to this day as a byword for nihilistic evil.

So it is with our current state as a nation. So long as we buy into the fantasy that we are the shining light of civilization and freedom, and that as such all our actions are justified and blessed, we will continue to be jarred from our frothy chocolate fantasies by bits of unsavory, yet all too real tuna. We can still stop however, our Gotterdammerung has not yet occurred. There is still time to eat our tuna, realize that we are an empire, and are acting as exploitative bullies and decide whether or not we want to live like this, deciding to be a nation with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. If I can reconcile myself to the man I am, we can reconcile ourselves to the nation we are, and be all the more honorable because of it.