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Fake headline: Vice president dick cheney was found sitting on his toilet in his office at 3:45 a.m. in an undisclosed location near D.C. Details are still sketchy, but a maid reported the vice president was found naked, covered in light sweet crude and hundred dollar bills and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken nearby.
Accolades and tributes are already pouring in from all corners of the world. President bush called dick, 'my best friend and confidant, a real peach of a human being'. 'He was like America's grandfather', cried a grief stricken republican on the street, 'always there with a kind word, always brimming with a sunny disposition and a cheery smile, I'll really miss the big ol' Teddy bear'.
'He loved making people smile', said joe lieberman, and lindsay graham called cheney 'the sweetest man I ever met, who'd give you the very shirt off his back'. 'America is in a state of deep mourning over the loss of such a great statesman and public servant', said Nancy Pelosi, who also noted that despite their political differences, 'dick was always charming and helpful in every way, a really noble and compassionate human being'.
A national day of mourning will be announced by the president, who is even now in negotiations to pick a replacement VP. 'No one can ever replace dick cheney, his kindness and generosity are legendary in the DC area' said the president.
An anonymous source says that 'beneath dick's rough exterior was a man of deep compassion, a man who loved people and loved his family, and a man of unfathomable charity, filled with the milk of human kindness and an unswerving desire to serve America'.
America now goes through a grieving period of many months, an awful hole is left in our souls at the loss of this great and patriotic man, who brought so much joy and peace to the world. God bless you mr. cheney, may angels float you to your just rewards.
----Other comments:
"He really loved puppies".
"He was the kind of a guy I'd like to have a beer with".
"He mowed my lawn when he was a kid".
"His family loved him".
"He always had a kind word and a smile".
"He helped America through it's darkest hour".
"He left America better than he found it".
"He responded so gloriously on 9-11".
"He sent over 4000 brave soldiers to early graves over lies, he robbed the treasury of trillions of dollars, he ordered prisoners of war to be tortured, he rendered the constitution moot, he raped habeas corpus, he decreed a million innocent people murdered in Iraq and perpetrated a coup de tat in the U.S., and he sneered that withering sneer with as much disdain for the citizens as he could muster all the while, exploiting the dead of nine eleven, he profited from war, he spit in all our faces with unimaginable contempt, day after day, he brought permanent and irreversible shame to our nation, but he never failed to ask you how the wife and kids were doing, and he always remembered their names, and he really loved his quail hunting".
I'm sure that big dick's burial plot is in a very undisclosed location.
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