Fight the assault on husbands!

[flowomo]

This is my weekly newspaper column, published yesterday. Also available online at:
http://cumberlink.com/articles/2008/04/11/opinion/columns/rich_lewis/doc47fe1528c8aea948806288.txt

(mods: my column, have reprint permissions)

Husbands getting bad press once more
By Rich Lewis, Sentinel Columnist, April 10, 2008
Last updated: Thursday, April 10, 2008 9:28 AM EDT

Every now and then an academic study makes a big splash because somebody in the school’s press office stuck a catchy lead on it.
Then the grabby headline hits the media, gets shot around the world in e-mails, feeds a libelous stereotype and solidifies as legend.
Well, husbands, I am here to rise in our defense against the latest example of this, because we were its victims.
“Having a husband creates an extra seven hours a week of housework for women.”
That was the first line of an April 3 press release (www.ns.umich.edu/htdocs/releases/story.php?id6452) from the University of Michigan.
Newspapers, radio and TV stations, magazines and bloggers translated that into all kinds of cute headlines: “Have a Husband? Add 7 More Hours of Housework”; “‘I do’ Means 7 Hours More Housework for Women”; “What do husbands bring to a marriage? More housework for wives!”; “Working for the man”; “Those lazy husbands: Michigan study proves it” — to cite just a few.
I tremble with indignation.
The study in question was conducted by Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, and I’d like to have seen the whole thing, because the press release about it is a confusing jumble.
But here’s the item that got billboarded: Single women with no kids reported doing about 11 hours of housework a week, but married women with no kids said they do about 18 hours (assuming I read the unhelpfully imprecise charts correctly).
“And the situation gets worse for women when they have children,” said the director of the study, economist Frank Stafford. The release says that “married women with more than three kids... did an average of about 28 hours of housework a week. Married men with more than three kids, by comparison, logged only about 10 hours of housework a week.”
Single men, on the other hand, average about eight hours of housework a week, but only seven once they get married.
Case closed -- husbands guilty of sloth.
Except buried down deep in the press release is this little detail: “Housework” was defined as “time spent cooking, cleaning and doing other basic work around the house. Excluded from these ‘core’ housework hours were tasks like gardening, home repairs, or washing the car (my italics).”
What? We’re getting branded as lazy parasites because the stuff we do doesn’t count!
OK, and I swear this is true, in just the last three days, someone in my household (and I won’t say who), looked at me and said:

“The battery in the clock is dead.”

“The water pressure is way down. The filter needs to be changed.”

“The computer won’t play any videos from Web sites.”

“The lightbulb in the hallway is burned out.”

The message in every case was the same: Fix it.

And I did.

But none of those counted because none involved pushing a vacuum, boiling water or making the bed — all of which I do sometimes (well, except for the bed thing).
And don’t even get me started on the yard. Yes, I do the gardening (doesn’t count) and spend maybe 10 hours a week mowing the lawn (doesn’t count), and when I look up and down the street to see who’s mowing all the other lawns in the neighborhood — husbands, husbands, husbands.
Who says the “house” ends when you walk out the door? You know, you can get fined for not mowing your lawn but not for letting the laundry pile up. That’s a fact.
I’ve never been too handy around cars — but a lot of husbands save their wives a ton of time, hassle and money keeping the family vehicle running. Doesn’t count.
And I’ll throw in another thing. Based on what I’ve seen, a lot of wives are just way too obsessed with doing housework in general. A speck of dirt falls off your shoe or a crumb falls from your cookie — most wives freak out and say, “You have to vacuum that right now!”
Most husbands say, “Let’s wait until there’s enough junk on the rug to justify using the electricity it takes to run the vacuum,” because we understand that energy conservation is more important than fear of a little debris.
And laundry. Why have 20 pairs of socks or 15 shirts if not so you can go a few weeks without washing any of them?
And I never did get the bed-making thing. Or the folding of the towels thing. Or why a cobweb dangling from a 12-foot ceiling is a threat to national security. Or why I can’t use the same coffee cup for a week without washing it. Or why, when we invite guests over, we have to scrub the whole house as though they are coming to have open-heart surgery and need a sterile environment.
And here’s another bit of the study that didn’t make it into that nefarious headline: In 1976, women did an average 26 hours of housework a week; in 2005, they did 17 hours. In 1976, men did six hours; in 2005, they did 13.
So when you send that e-mail around, make the headline read: “Wives goofing off but husbands doing twice as much housework.”
See who howls then.

——

Rich Lewis’ e-mail address is: [e-mail].

[JDPriestly]

1. Hey! When you start counting what you are doing for the other

person, you need to start counting the steps to the door. You need to get some fresh air. Marriage is about helping each other. Do what you do with a hug and a smile and your partner will reciprocate. Do what you do with a frown and a pout and that's what you will get back. I've been married to the same person a long, long, long time. What the marriage counselors won't tell you is that all that stuff about frilly underwear, etc. It's stupid. What matters is love -- and you show that by enjoying doing things for your spouse.

[SoFlaJet]

3. pretty good JDP

I've taken it a step further-my gig actually writes my checks out TO my wife. Sometimes she even lets me take my testicles down from the shelf and OUT OF THE JAR when they itch LOL (25 years together)

[Ellen Forradalom]

4. I hope you're joking

[JDPriestly]

32. Well, as I always say, the first 25 years are the worst.

Remember, what you give you will receive. At least in marriage, I have found that to be true. Sounds like you have a good sense of humor so you probably have not problem.

[DCKit]

19. Anyone who's counting might not be suited to a relationship.

Either you're being used and need to get out for your own benefit, or you're ungrateful, and need to leave - or change the attitude - for your partner's benefit. In neither case is the relationship healthy as long as either partner is counting.

Personally, I'm spoiled rotten, and I know it, though I don't spend nearly enough time and effort showing my gratitude. So, thanks for the reminder. I'll be doing some needed household maintenance this afternoon, clean up the kitchen after dinner and won't wait for a pat on the head for those things that I can do to make both our lives easier.

[EOTE]

27. Sorry, you lost me when you called frilly underwear stupid.

Of course love is most important. But love is so much better when frilly underwear is involved.

[JDPriestly]

30. Nothing wrong with frilly underwear, but don't count on it to

bring romance if you consider carrying out the garbage, cooking a special meal or fixing a computer every once in a while to be a chore and not a demonstration of love. Both men and women are more turned on by loving gestures of an ordinary sort than superficial romantic gestures without a loving content. The lacey stuff doesn't substitute for love and won't manufacture it if the kindness is not there too.

[seabeyond]

2. in order to stand up for husband, we must now diss the wife... i dont think so

i think it is about time we say enough to the battle being created for man vs woman, husband vs wife.

my hubby does plenty. i do too. we are respectful and good to each other and i dont need any study telling me about my relationship....

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

6. I couldn't agree more.

I swear, these studies do far more harm than good. They're allegedly intended to break down gender roles and such, but in reality, it only further reinforces them. Or worse, it creates problems where they don't exist. Unless you're actually using a time sheet to register your efforts, you'll always think you're doing more work than your spouse, or worse, more than you're actually even doing yourself.

My progressive, ardently feminist wife was in that category until we actually did track things (I was certainly not going to cave to the idea that I wasn't pulling my weight.) So we starting tracking what we did, finding that I actually did a whole lot more than her despite her notion that it was the opposite (who would have thunk that cooking meals, which I usually do, takes a couple of hours a day?!) I understood where she was coming from - she'd come from a family with rigid gender roles, and then a divorced household, and she certainly did not want to relive her childhood in her marriage. But she was creating a problem where one did not exist, likely because she read a study like this.

[DadOf2LittleAngels]

11. I agree it should not be about dissing the wife

But there is a building back lash against crap like these studies and commercials in which men are demeaned as the stupid silly, thoughtless lugs that their wives have to put up with..

The recent HR block commercial with the wife brow beating her husband is a good example. If one of my sisters husbands talked to them like that Id give him a swift punch to the head..

[VenusRising]

21. I've noticed those commercials for a long time now.

And I'm always disgusted by them. Even television shows make husbands out to be immature incapable screw-ups, but thanks to the wonders and "wit" of the emasculating wife, the day is always saved. UGH!! :puke:

[madokie]

14. Conversations around our house goes like this

things like I sure am glad that our kids live next door to us so we can help them as I can't see how they can make ends meet etc. I'm not much into the wife part but I do the husband part real well. My wife would rather I leave shit alone here in the house but outside well thats a whole different story altogether. Now its your turn is not part of our lexicon

[Turbineguy]

5. The school I went to

had a serious problem. 250 wild and wooly students with a pathological disdain for authority.

Solution: divide and conquer.

First by major, there were two. Then by class, there were three. Then by divison, there were 4. That's 24 competing groups, the largest of which was 12 students.

Later this was further complicated by the addition of female students.

Of course the whole idea was that it was temporary. And it was. I don't keep track of how much I do for my Wife. Or my kids. Or their dogs.

[JackintheGreen]

7. I wish my wife did this much housework...seriously

I'm in grad school, so I'm home most of the time (theoretically working on my dissertation). And I do pretty much everything (it feels like, though I know it ain't true).

My wife hasn't changed the cat litter since she was pregnant...11 years ago.
I do almost all the cooking, but to be fair she made a yummy casserole on Sunday.
Yard and garden, mine.
Lightbulbs, cobwebs, vacuuming, dishes? All me.

But I won't do her laundry...usually.

But I do it because I love her and she works at a great job that she doesn't particularly like so that I can *be* in grad school.

What really got me about the article, though, was this bit:

"Most husbands say, “Let’s wait until there’s enough junk on the rug to justify using the electricity it takes to run the vacuum,” because we understand that energy conservation is more important than fear of a little debris."

BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!! Most husbands are lazy shits who really couldn't care less about clutter. How do I know? I'm one of them. I don't vacuum every day, or mop, or run the dryer or dishwasher.

Is it because I'm "conserving"? Fuck no! I'm lazy, and I don't like doing them. But I do them when the house needs it because, though I can live in clutter, i don't do squalor.

[flowomo]

12. "energy conservation" was code...

for what you said.

[JackintheGreen]

15. Oh...I should remember that one for future

;)

[flowomo]

17. MY energy certainly gets conserved...

when I look the other way when those crumbs fall. :)

[Manifestor_of_Light]

40. If the husband won't do any housework

it can be blamed on his mother, who probably waited on him hand and foot. Therefore, because he doesn't know any thing different, he expects the wife or girlfriend to do all the housework so he can sit on his ass and eat chips.

That said, an awful lot of men do housework and yard work too.

Apparently three decades of feminism have done NOTHING to remedy the situation, as nearly every man on "Wife Swap" is scared shitless of having his testicles fall off if he so much as washes a dish, sweeps, loads a dishwasher, or has a son take a guitar lesson, or take an art lesson, or cook food, because that's "sissy".

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :wtf:

I hated to do housework growing up, as I felt oppressed by my mom and grandmom attempting to FORCE me to do housework, when my male relatives were not told to do housework. It was quite unfair. If I complained about the oppression, the answer I got was "Your father, your uncle, your grandfather are all too OLD to do housework". BULLSHIT.

Now, I have a better attitude about house work and don't mind doing it, because I don't have some sexist old battle ax breathing down my neck trying to MAKE me do it.

[LibertyLover]

8. I've got to say that my husband does most of the house work

because he's a stay at home dad to our daughter, while I'm the main breadwinner. He shops better than I do for food to save us money and is a better cook than I am. I'm as capable of changing a light bulb or battery as he is and so whichever one of us notices it, handles it. We share the yard work. I'm much better at cleaning up dog poop than he is and he knows it. And I'm generally the one who mows the lawn. But what I want to know is this - 10 hours a week to mow a lawn? It's either a really big lawn - say roughly the size of the one at Blenheim Palace and he's doing it with a push mower or somebody is really inefficient.

[flowomo]

13. 3 acres... mostly lawn.... lotsa maneuvering around trees etc.

and large parts have to be mowed with the push mower because the rider won't fit. Then there's the raking up. I actually enjoy it! And it's only for four months of the year.

[Withywindle]

9. Well, as a woman, I am TOTALLY with him on this one.

And I’ll throw in another thing. Based on what I’ve seen, a lot of wives are just way too obsessed with doing housework in general. A speck of dirt falls off your shoe or a crumb falls from your cookie — most wives freak out and say, “You have to vacuum that right now!”
Most husbands say, “Let’s wait until there’s enough junk on the rug to justify using the electricity it takes to run the vacuum,” because we understand that energy conservation is more important than fear of a little debris.
And laundry. Why have 20 pairs of socks or 15 shirts if not so you can go a few weeks without washing any of them?
And I never did get the bed-making thing. Or the folding of the towels thing. Or why a cobweb dangling from a 12-foot ceiling is a threat to national security. Or why I can’t use the same coffee cup for a week without washing it. Or why, when we invite guests over, we have to scrub the whole house as though they are coming to have open-heart surgery and need a sterile environment.


I think a lot of people (I suppose primarily women, but as a female slob, I'm trying to keep the gender stereotypes out of it) do WAY more housework than is necessary to have a reasonably sanitary and attractive house, and then act like a martyr about it.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

41. I understand. I'm a female semi slob myself.

I keep my bod clean, I keep the towels and sheets clean, I keep the clothes and dishes clean. I consider a dishwasher a necessity because it sterilizes the dishes. I sweep up large dust rhinos when they get bad. I sweep cobwebs away from the ceiling.

But past that, yes, there are a lot of women who are neat freaks.

I spend my money on BOOKS!

[Xenotime]

10. Men owe a lot more to women simply for the opression they have had to endure.

[Indenturedebtor]

18. I think you forgot the :sarcasm: tag

Gender roles go both ways and you can hardly exact a collective "payment" for wrongs that are individual actions.

That said I would like to see how the study accounted for the fact that married couples and couples in general tend to live in larger houses and have more crap. Bigger House + More Crap = More Housework. Further, couples are more likely to cook and thus have more dishes. They are more likely to do things around the house instead of going out... again more housework.

What they are also likely to do is to have more money! And FFS why didn't they account for all work that is done around the house? Hanging crown molding, replacing spark plugs, fixing the computer is all fun and games? Hmm?

But yes my wife does do more work around the house than I do. She also has a far more highly refined "sense of cleanliness". As others have said in this thread I don't generally clean something until it needs to be cleaned. I also NEVER ask her to clean anything. Times when she doesn't feel like cleaning, I either do it or ignore it.

[nomorenomore08]

23. I swear, you could play a guessing game with some of the posts on this site.

"Is he/she joking? Let's make a bet!"

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

16. My wife and I have a deal. She tells me what to do...and I do it.

Actually, we both just do whatever needs to be done without fretting about "who's" job it is.

[Ikonoklast]

20. Meh. I do it all, any way.

Don't have one of those 'wife' thingies; not for the last eleven years or so.

Inside stays clean, lawn gets mowed, dinner gets cooked, dishes get washed, laundry gets done.
I have two kids at home that both go to school and work full-time.
We all pitch in to get things done.
If it's dusty, someone will dust and vacuum.
When there is enough dirty laundry, the load gets done. No small loads.
Litter box gets cleaned, usually twice a day.
Oil gets changed, cars get washed.
Make a mess in the kitchen? Fine. Clean it up. Now.

It is a co-operative effort. You got something that needs done, well, I don't see two broken arms on you. And that goes for me as well.


Anyone that complains about housework either needs a real issue to be upset about, or get a partner that isn't a lazy slob.

Or learn to do it all themselves without complaint, and join the Martyrs Club.

[Warpy]

22. Get down off that cross

Jesus needs the wood.

I guess there are supportive husbands out there who do things without being requested multiple times and who don't require being praised to the skies when they pick their wet towels off the floor, but I never found one for myself.

Thanks for reminding me why I live with a cat.

[mrreowwr_kittty]

26. Also, the argument about fixing things and yardwork is so bogus.

80% of the people I know in Suburban Phoenix hire landscapers. Including me. At least half hire housekeepers. Not many people service their own cars or appliances anymore either. A lot of that isn't our choice. HOAs often have arbitrary and draconian rules on how your topiary and lawn need to look. Cars and appliances are no longer made to allow people to tinker with them as easily. So a lot of men (and kids) are off the hook for those duties. And even if the guy does mow the lawn once a week, it's not like he has to worry about his wife promptly walking out into the yard and throwing her clothes all over it.

[DadOf2LittleAngels]

34. Thas as asenine and offensive as some men who say

I suppose there are supportive wives out there who are not constantly nagging and brow beating us for every little thing in the world and are strong enough that they dont need daily reassurance that no matter what you do for them you 'really love them'..

Sexist and offensive

[cynatnite]

24. Congrats...you win the following award...

[flowomo]

35. hey, that's Drama King...

:)

[cynatnite]

37. Hey, it's Joan Crawford...

:)

[flowomo]

38. now don't get me started on wire hangers....

and other things that breed in your closets. I had a whole column on that some years back.

[cynatnite]

39. My teenage daughter and I know that movie just about by heart...

We're fans. :evilgrin:

[nomorenomore08]

25. And the battle of the sexes continues, just as stupid and pointless as ever.

You see where "us vs. them" thinking gets you?

[flowomo]

28. LOL -- I guess my attempt at humor wasn't right for DU...

I shudda gone with the "NekkedVision" column instead:
http://www.cumberlink.com/articles/2008/04/11/opinion/columns/rich_lewis/doc47f4dd50586a5606885019.txt

(oh, married 28 years, very happily. We don't fight over money, politics, the kids or anything else. Except housework, now and then. Congrats to all of you who have that one under control.

[nomorenomore08]

29. It's okay, you tried. Just goes to show that people on the Internets will tear each other to pieces

over the smallest thing.

[flowomo]

36. some are sooooo touchy....

but my wife enjoyed it.

[mainer]

31. Husbands are really good at delegating, though!

When my career took off, my hubby retired and promised to take care of all the housework since I was bringing in the bacon. And the first thing he did was hire a housekeeper!

[lumberjack_jeff]

33. I think there's a more interesting omission.

How many hours do people work outside the home before and after marriage?

I am a stay at home dad. Mom works. I do the lions share of the housework, nevertheless I've still got a much better deal. She works far harder than I do.

[nichomachus]

42. There's an easy explanation for the discrepancy

When women are single with no kids, they spend the extra seven hours putting on makeup, doing their hair, and going to the gym -- so they'll be attractive to men and hopefully find a husband.

Once they're married, they don't have to do that any more and that have that time available for housework.

[flowomo]

43. you can write THAT column...

I wouldn't dare.... :)