Why Men Pay for Sex: Newsweek

[Bucky]

I should probably edit that title line. It looks like I'm saying reading Newsweek is why men pay for sex

Dear John
A Web site gives men a chance to write anonymously about the complicated reasons they buy sex. Their explanations may surprise you.
By Susannah Breslin | Newsweek Web Exclusive

Often these guys aren't just looking for sex. Many are depressed or stressed, lonely or bored, looking for intimacy or a connection, no matter how transient, no matter the cost. One john who was rejected on a regular basis in the dating scene wrote that, in contrast to the women he met at bars, prostitutes saw him as "a normal and charming guy." Other men recalled youthful sexcapades in the military while deployed overseas, from a German brothel called Crazy Sexy to a barbershop in Asia where women performed oral sex on men getting haircuts. An "overeducated" 28-year-old went through a bad breakup, a death in the family, and the loss of his job. Online he found a "courtesan" who taught him what he wanted in a relationship and gave him his confidence back. "I'm really grateful to her," he reported.

One letter in particular may offer a window into the mind-set of a man like Spitzer. It came in the form of an encrypted e-mail from a state investigator. Professionally, he was dedicated to enforcing the law. Personally, he was in a relationship with a woman with whom he hadn't had sex in years. He'd been seeing prostitutes since 1991. In his encoded diary he recorded his encounters. "1 dot is oral, 2 dots is vaginal sex, and 2 connected dots is anal sex. In the event that someone questions the dots, they are associated with good or bad days: no dots are normal days, 1 dot is a good day, 2 dots is a great day, and 2 connected dots is the best day for that week." For him, sex for money was sex without strings, attachment, or guilt—a transaction.

[GodlessBiker]

1. Because there isn't enough liquor in the world.

[gatorboy]

2. Oral sex during a hair cut?

Wtach those clippers!

[lumberjack_jeff]

4. This explains John Edw...

...uh, nevermind. :evilgrin:

[gatorboy]

6. ZING!

He's always seemed a bit too chipper, didn't he? :P

[stahbrett]

3. Shorter explanation: Supply and demand (nt)

[lumberjack_jeff]

5. These economists argue that the more relevant factor is opportunity cost.

http://www.forbes.com/2006/02/11/economics-prostitution-marriage_cx_mn_money06_0214prostitution.html

[lumberjack_jeff]

7. This part was funny

A research project I'm working on may yield some answers to that perplexing question. Earlier this year I posted an online call for letters from johns, asking men to send me anonymous letters about their experiences soliciting sex. In most cases the johns came across "Letters From Johns" while surfing the Internet. I'd considered soliciting johns from sites like Craigslist, but I decided to let them seek me out. Most of the letters, I believe, are real; in some cases the men sent them from their personal e-mail accounts, signed their real names, and included links to their professional Web sites. The fake letters are for the most part easy to identify; they lack detail—and frequently end with scenes in which the sex worker returns the money because the sex was so good.

:rofl:

[JDPriestly]

8. Ladies, if you are staying married to a man with whom you

are not having sex, you are asking for trouble. Either get out or go to counseling. You don't need to be married to live together and be friends.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you can handle it, it isn't important or you need to stay married at any price. Don't delay. Get some counseling. You are passing up love. You are passing up an important part of your life.

And if you think that you are financially better off in a sexless marriage, you are wrong. In the end, prostitutes can cost a lot of money. If you think Spitzer paid a lot for the girls, just think about his legal fees. And all the money he spends on the girls and the lawyers will be missing from the communal pot when you try to get spousal support or your share of your family assets.

[Johonny]

9. or maybe she won't

need spousal support because she views her marriage different than you. Why people think everyone needs to have THEIR idea of a successful relationship I'll never understand.

[lumberjack_jeff]

15. The human who can do without sexual intimacy is an anomaly.

Sex may not be the only important part of a relationship, but for most people it's way ahead of whatever it is that is in second place.

I agree with the poster to whom you are replying - sexless marriages are generally destined for trouble.

[Bucky]

17. Something else "destined for trouble"

Sweeping generalizations about other people's personal lives. I don't respect very much what Elliot Spitzer did, but it's not like he invaded another country or lied before Congress.

[Firespirit]

18. No, it's not

The most important part is emotional compatibility. Chemistry. Whatever you want to call it.

For things that tear relationships apart, last I checked, the number 1 factor was money.

[lumberjack_jeff]

21. By virtue of our respective genders, we have a different perspective.

Without a physical relationship, chemistry and emotional compatibility are difficult to maintain - particularly when there is a vast number of people from whom one can get their needs met. Even if at a cost.

[Firespirit]

22. You, sir, are uninformed.

I do not blame you for not knowing about this -- most people don't. But this mindset still irks me because it completely marginalizes an entire orientation.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=6&Itemid=28">Read.

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community, each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.

Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships.

I am not suggesting that this was in play with the Spitzers. However, it is real, it does exist, and it's aggravating for it to be denied and marginalized.

[JDPriestly]

30. I know a bit about these things. I don't want to tell you why.

Sorry to be so secretive. But, I see this stuff a lot.

[kineneb]

11. a question

what about the reverse, where the man is permanently too ill to have sex?

Inquiring minds would like an opinion.

[lumberjack_jeff]

16. You are not describing the reverse.

If illness prevents intimacy that is an entirely different kettle of fish than unilaterally choosing abstinence for you and your spouse.

[JDPriestly]

25. Absolutely. But you can still have intimacy even if you are

not having sex. It is the intimacy and trust that are important. It is those factors that are missing in a relationship or may be in illusory in most marriages that do not involve sex.

[JDPriestly]

24. When one or the other partner is too ill to have sex,

the couple is pretty much forced to be very honest with each other about priorities. As I said in another post, you can have a platonic relationship as long as you are honest with each other. Sex is a pretty broad term. It includes a lot of creature comforts beyond the medical definition. When a person to whom you are married and about whom you care deeply is in pain and you just hold their hand and tell them you love them, you can feel a bond that is very wonderful and satisfying. Many people experience that when one or the other of them is ill. That kind of being together is the sexual part of a relationship between people in that situation. The complete openness and honesty are what are important.

And by the way, sexual infidelity is not the only thing that threatens trust in a marriage. Alcoholism is an obvious one. So is gambling addiction. And another addiction of that sort that can ruin a relationship is addiction to get rich schemes. Even religious fanaticism and gurus can threaten marriages. Marriage is a very difficult institution. I've been married a very long time. It takes hard work to be honest but still loving enough to each other to make it work.

[Firespirit]

12. Whoa

In general, that's probably sound advice.

But platonic marriages DO exist. They are rare, but some people simply are not wired for sex, and if two of them decide to get married, it's perfectly fine.

I realize you weren't talking about these couples in your post, but I still need to mention this.

[JDPriestly]

23. Women who think they are in platonic marriages are often

mistaken. If a woman is in a platonic marriage, she needs to have a very open discussion about sex with her husband. By that I mean she needs to let her husband know that she is willing to give him the space and freedom to be absolutely honest about his sexual needs and life without judging him or getting angry with him.

A lot of platonic marriages are not that at all. They are just dishonest marriages in which each partner is hiding his or her sexual life from the other. There are a few asexual people. They don't need marriage. Marriage is about a very deep bond and utter honesty if not sexual fidelity to each other. You can have one or the other, but if you don't have utter honesty and you don't have a deep bond that includes sex, you are headed for trouble.

[Firespirit]

35. "There are a few asexual people. They don't need marriage."

And you are justified in making this broad statement how exactly??

Look, as one of the asexual people you speak of, comments like this piss me the fuck off.

You, and other sexual people, have NO authority to tell me whether I "need" marriage. None. You have no authority to tell me that a marriage I might make, with an asexual man or woman (I live in Massachusetts and I am bi-romantic), is less valid than a "consummated" marriage because we both decided that we didn't need to exchange bodily fluids to feel bonded.

This sort of rhetoric is EXACTLY like straights telling gay people that they shouldn't get married. You don't have a patent on marriage. Deal with it.

[JDPriestly]

37. You are a rare exception. Deal with it.

My advice is that you should either not get married or be very careful to be very honest with the person you do marry. I'm an old woman. I talk to a lot of people about their relationships. This is my advice. Take it or leave it.

[Firespirit]

41. I am intimately (heh) aware of the rarity

If GLB people are 6-10%, As are probably under 1 percent. I've yet to meet another one other than on specific sites on the Internet. There seem to be a fair number of MTF transgendered people who lose their sex drive after going on estrogen, and come to identify as asexual, and as I have a minor gender issue myself, this works out just fine. It's really amazing and wonderful how the sex organs cease to matter once you are able to look exclusively at the mind and emotions that make up a person. I probably shouldn't have blown up at you, but it seemed that you were advocating sex for everyone, and that's something that I am especially sensitive to since it comes to my community from family, friends, churches, the media, and all too often, psychologists who don't accept it as a real orientation. Your advice is noted, but I realized some time ago that there was no way I could make it with someone who fell in love with my body.

[JDPriestly]

47. Everyone needs intimacy and touching -- it's a deep animal need.

You can enjoy intimacy and giving and touching -- and those, too, are sexual in nature in the way that is most important. Honesty is the key.

[noamnety]

45. I think you're out of line here.

It sounds like you are lecturing someone about a topic you know very little of, and they know everything of.

Your advice is condescending and unhelpful. I am fairly sure you're talking to someone smart enough to figure out to be honest with the person they'd marry - that's basic advice for anyone getting married, no? That's not a special requirement unique to one's orientation. Your idea that you get to decide who should or shouldn't have a committed relationship - and that people with minority orientations shouldn't - is offensive on a number of levels.

[mondo joe]

33. These threads make me very, very grateful to be gay.

There are many hetero couples who are sexually compatible, or who are open and frank about sex.

But many of these threads expose a very sad divide between the genders.

[seabeyond]

34. i agree ... it is horrible. i need to stay off these threads in du

i did for about half a year and got sucked back in with this event. not healthy for me to read.

and you are right, that is the advantage being gay, same gender.

[mudesi]

10. Because they want to have sex without a relationship

And it's hard to find women who want that as well without some kind of compensation.

[Love Bug]

27. Exactly

I think a small number of men go to prostitutes because that's the only way thay can get laid. For the rest they buy someone who will do what they want and they don't have to care about her feelings or if she has an orgasm. In other words, they are looking for a vessel.

[stanwyck]

13. Because their wives aren't good wives

Didn't Dr. Laura already make this clear? If the wives would just "make him feel like a hero" he wouldn't HAVE to go outside for "understanding." Yes, it's all the WIVES fault.
If you would just listen to Dr. Laura, there wouldn't be any of this buying sex. And, of course, Dr. Laura knows what she's talking about, doesn't she? She brokeup her boss's long-term marriage (I guess his kids didn't mind)so she could marry him. And before that she let another married boyfriend take nekkid shots of her which ended up on the internet.
So, we should all do as she says. Just...not as she does.

[Bucky]

14. I'm now going to wait for the first idiot to come by and reply "I hope this was sarcasm"

But seriously this is the best answer I've heard so far. Elliot Spitzer's wife must totally suck. Or not, rather.

[Iris]

19. of course, he's under no obligation to make her feel loved or honored

it's all up to her

[JDPriestly]

26. More likely because their mothers were not good mothers

often because their mothers did not have good mothers.

[KharmaTrain]

20. Truly The Kindness Of Strangers...

I can undestand this viewpoint as I've seen many friends who have rushed into temporal relationships...also known as one night stands...for almost the same reasons. Its not just the sex, but the attention, someone to talk to and the need to feel wanted or desired.

For many years I've had friends I've chatted with online...never met them and I doubt I ever will, but I'm able to share things with them that I can't with my "real life" friends...there's a bit of "safety" in being able to get something off your chest and not have it come back to haunt later.

[opihimoimoi]

28. Many times its the wife who is a turn off..."No, I not puting your thing in my mouth"

and/or, she is the witch of the home...always bossy, cross, whining....a grumbler...

and she might have gotten to heavy...or him for that matter...

So.......

[seabeyond]

32. first 99% women are whores to you then frigid nasty bitches. do you just hate women

what is your problem

[opihimoimoi]

44. who the hell said 99%?? read the post...I said many times....which obviously is TRUE... perhaps 10%.

and that goes for both sexes....women travel too....

which is not all or 99%...but many or some women/men..Many don't have to mean Majority.....

[Honeycombe8]

40. LOL LOL!!!! And robbers rob banks because their wives don't give them enuf money!

And serial rapists rape women because their wives are frigid! And murders murder people because their mothers didn't hug them enuf!

[opihimoimoi]

43. Not ALL, just some.....peeps do weird things..many times its the risk is what turns them on

But...in some cases,,, as I said....its the home front...the man...or the Lady...is unhappy for hatever reason...thus the adventure to satisfy the urge.....

Its a perception...is all...wrong or not, its a perception....

[aikoaiko]

29. Fast, Good, Cheap: When it comes to services, one gets 2 out of 3

Sex that is good and fast is not cheap and men go to hookers.

Sex that is cheap and good cannot be gotten fast so men have girlfriends or wives.

Sex that is cheap and fast is not good, but men can go to skanks for this service.



written with tongue in cheek but there are kernels of truth here and there.

[dysfunctional press]

31. because they can. and because it's there.

nt

[UTUSN]

36. What an idiot article. Did she get the space just because her surname is "BRESLIN"?!1 n/t

[Honeycombe8]

38. ANY reason other than, "Because I'm a loser with no morals...

and a guy who sees nothing wrong with taking advantage of hard-up people....or a guy who is messed up in the head...or a guy who has chosen sex as his addiction of choice...or a guy who simply thinks he's entitled to anything and everything he wants if he can pay for it....or a guy who doesn't see women as real people like he is....or a guy who can't function with women on a real level...or....etc., etc."

I'm sure they can come up with all sorts of "reasons." We all can come up with reasons why we do the bad things we do, can't we? I think they're called rationalizations.

[Honeycombe8]

39. It's the fault of the men's mothers or wives, of course!

Why, I could tell by the fact that Spitzer's wife was standing next to him while he apologized that she fully recognized her culpability in the mess. Had she left him to face the music publicly alone, why, people might have thought he needed to be personally accountable for his actions or something silly like that!

[seabeyond]

42. i know a lot mentioned, so must of hit the same, but that was the first thing that hit me

when they stood there and he started talking and the wofe standing next to him. i told hubby wtf are they doing having her stnad there. ot a chance in hell i would be standing by the husband. as he talked further, just how utterly cruel this woman has to stand there. that bothered me.

[Elidor]

46. Newsweek wants to tell me why men buy hookers?

This is a joke, right?