The ongoing war against Christmas-Battle plan X

[shadowknows69]

Now is the time for all good Scrooges to come to the aid of their country

“Bah fucking humbug!” is our war cry, and if I were head General in this fight here are the steps I’d take to insure that this blight of a holiday is destroyed for all time.

-Hack into retailer’s computers and actually raise all prices on Black Friday

-All manger animals will be replaced by representations of non traditional animals, IE. The armadillo, the platypus, the lungfish (an example of evolution) and perhaps a serpent or two for good measure.

-Increased usage of anti aircraft weapons. We’ll get that fat bastards sleigh for sure this year.

-Christmas Mass host and wine replaced with Ritz crackers with pure beef pate and wine to be replaced with Red Bull spiked with LSD.

-Non-Catholic gatherings will have their hymnal books replaced with the sheet music to Iron Butterfly’s library. This insures a 28 minute version of “Inna Godda Davida” before any praying can commence.

-All Salvation Army bell ringers forced to use huge Chinese gongs to attract donations.

-Yule log TV program includes naked dancing pagans.

-All mall Santas kidnapped and shipped back to the North Pole and size restrictions on mall entrance implemented to keep the elves away.

-Unionization of all elf labor in the workshop

-Unlimited hunting of reindeer starting in August

-All churches forced to pay retroactive child support for Jesus to the nearest children’s charity.

-Duct tape gags ready for anyone wishing you a merry Christmas. Happy holiday wishers get a pass on this.

-Three day televised Yule/Winter Solstice festival to remind the Christians that their holiday is stolen

This should start the war off right. Feel free to add your own.
S

[ThatsMyBarack]

1. Nice!

:rofl:

[shadowknows69]

2. One kick for the afternoon Scrooges

[Lilith Velkor]

3. Awesome post

One thing that freaks out Christmas warriors is to say, "Happy Ha...(pause while the eyes narrow)...nukah," and then watch the face make embarrassed contortions.

[FatDave]

11. Funny, I do that

Not with the angry overtones, but any cashier who tells me "Merry Christmas" gets a "Happy Hanukkah" in return.

[Lilith Velkor]

17. I used to be a cashier

I got so I could spot the Christmas-War jerks coming all the way down the aisle.

They would get all ready to go ballistic at a "Happy Holidays," but once they realized what I said, they'd just stand there opening and closing their mouths like a fish.

I always got a few delighted "Happy Hannukahs" after doing that.

[taterguy]

4. Why war against something that's a celebration of peace?

At least in theory

[lostnfound]

5. Time to recalibrate your satire meter ;)

:hi:
I'm pretty sure it's poking fun about the rightwing paranoia and propaganda, as the RW is always claiming that it's the liberals have a 'war on Christmas'.

[taterguy]

6. War: What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZgHH72G8wQ

[Perry Logan]

7. Nuke the North Pole.

[hermetic]

8. Allright! Let the Christmas cheer begin!

"-Yule log TV program includes naked dancing pagans."

I don't participate in Christmas but I sure would buy one of those. At Amazon, maybe?

[leveymg]

9. Stop Santa's Labor Exploitation! Free the Elves! Have the CIA Arm the Elfen Liberation Front!

[tom_paine]

10. ROFL! This one should garner a DUzy! K & R!

[Scriptor Ignotus]

12. "happy holidays everyone!!"

mwahahahahaha!!!! }(

[FatDave]

13. Instead of Inna Godda Davida...

...can we go with the full version of Jethro Tull's "Thick as a Brick"? It clocks in around 45 minutes and is a better song too.

[shadowknows69]

15. Gotta trick them into thinking it's about God

Couple tracks on "Aqualung" could be slipped in.

[FatDave]

16. Good point. Hymn 43 for sure then.

Fits the bill in a number of ways, and absolutely rocks.

[Prophet 451]

14. BWA HA HA!

Have a K&R for starting my day off the right way.

[taterguy]

18. Starting the day off with warlike thoughts is the right way?

How do you sleep?

[shadowknows69]

19. Ummm....joking.

[taterguy]

21. War is nothing to joke about

[Prophet 451]

20. Uh, dude?

First off, I'm a Luciferian Satanist. My faith posits an eternal and possibly unwinnable war over the nature of freedom, I'm used to it.

Secondly, and far more importantly, this is a satire.

[shadowknows69]

22. Thank you Prophet

Yes, satire. Please check back in when you've gotten over yourself.

[taterguy]

24. So now you're celebrating war and attempting to stifle differing opinions

How progressive

[shadowknows69]

25. There are no differing opinions to a joke

Ya either laugh at it or you don't. Read my journal if you think I celebrate war. I've done a fair piece to bring the face of this war to light if I may be so bold.

"All fucking thread hijackers must fucking hang"
-Animal Mother, Jayne, My Bodyguard.

[taterguy]

26. All fucking thread hijackers must fucking hang

You posted that in a thread you started about hijacking Christmas?

How consistent.

[Prophet 451]

27. Is English your 2nd language or are you just dumb?

The thread is satire, satire is a form of humour which is often dry, barbed or hyperbolic. Everyone else got the joke, you are the only one who didn't. Logical deduction is that this is your problem, not Shadow's.

[taterguy]

29. The OP clearly stated that he didn't want his thread jacked anymore

Is English your second language or age you just dumb?

[Toasterlad]

28. Midlodemocrat is Right About You.

[Perry Logan]

23. I'm throwing away my elf costume.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9543565726