So anyway, I was waterboarding one of my kids today

[The Straight Story]

trying to find out who spilled the juice on the floor.

Children's services busted in and told me they were taking the kids.

I explained to them that the US govt says it is a valid method to extract information, that my kids are under my care, showed them this same fact online, and they shrugged and left.

After waterboarding each kid, each one confessed btw.

Now off to that old lady Henderson down the street who I think called children's services. Her ass is getting some serious waterboarding let me tell you :)

[seabeyond]

1. i was gonna slap my kid for cussing, but i was told i have to taser them for cussing

or my kids would be taken and i would be in trouble if i dare to slap. slapping is abuse, tasering is not

you are funny

[The Straight Story]

2. Don't let em find out my wife whips me with a cat O nine tails

guess we will have to modify our BDSM to use tasers and water boarding only now!

[seabeyond]

4. yup n/t

[orleans]

97. i just had my daughter renditioned for not cleaning up her room

i figure i've got about 6-18 months to clean the room up so when she returns it will be in tip top shape!

[C_U_L8R]

13. my bro tased me

and i tased him back

[Dr.Phool]

70. I just sent this thread to my wife, who works for Child Services.

She said, yes. Waterboarding is acceptable in Florida. Just ask Bill Nelson.

[seabeyond]

75. funny. hmmmm

and it is suggesting your wife is part of florida social services that are known to lose children. that could get you in trouble sharing so much on this board. with me though,.... i know there are a lot of hard workers and have all the faith your wife is one, and thank her for all she does in her challenging job. it is about like teachers where they are the scapegoat in so many ways, from all directions. just to share before anyone attacks

thanks for sharing this with her and her department.

[Dr.Phool]

83. She's just a receptionist.

And she would do her job for free, just to play with all the children that come through her office.

[seabeyond]

86. ahhhh. that is cool. i really should

have finished my education and gotten into that area. handing out love is an exceptional gift.

[proud2BlibKansan]

3. What size board did you use?

I am going to start waterboarding in my classroom. But I hate to waste money and buy a board that is too big. :)

[The Straight Story]

5. I use a surf board

:rofl:

[proud2BlibKansan]

10. Send me one

I don't think I can buy a surfboard in Kansas. :rofl:

[here_is_to_hope]

40. I tried it with a surfboard but...but my child seemed to enjoy it!

:rofl:
(we use the old ones for slides in a pinch)

[seabeyond]

6. you are funny too. this is gonna be the thread to show how clever us

du'ers really are. i can already see

[HCE SuiGeneris]

8. In my classroom, I do the waterboarding while taking our "moment for Jesus"

seems to save time.

[proud2BlibKansan]

11. Great idea; I will start tomorrow during the pledge

since waterboarding is such an AMERICAN thing to do.

[Bozita]

Suggestion: Waterboard every kid who skips "under god" in the Pledge.

The fundies will love you.

[proud2BlibKansan]

37. LOL I skip "under God"

Should I waterboard myself first?

[Bozita]

55. I'm betting your classroom is in a blue state.

[proud2BlibKansan]

68. No it isn't

[krispos42]

59. I Pledge Allegiance, to the Flag,

of the United States of America.
And to the Republic,
for which it stands,
One Nation,
<gargle> <choke> <gasp>
Indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for All.




Something like that, mayhap?

:-)

[bikebloke]

85. Not to split hairs...

but isn't it "for witches stands". I know that's what I said as a kid in grade school.

[krispos42]

101. He he he... m/t

[donsu]

79. good one

nt

[CoffeeCat]

18. Save money...

...and just use the playground teeter totter. It's right there on the playround and it can
be easily tipped, if you have a teacher sit on the lower end during the waterboarding.

Perfect!

I love it when you can legally torture AND save some bucks.

It's the American way!

[DCKit]

51. Brilliant!

While you're waterboarding one, another can be strapped to the other end and readied. What a timesaver!!!

[CoffeeCat]

56. Love that idea!

Plus, those kids are small! You could strap at least 7 kindergartners
to one good-sized teeter totter.

Even more savings!

Plus, you don't have to keep turning off the hose, during the lag time when
you fetch your next waterboardee. You can leave the hose on and have one
continuous stream for everyone.

It's so much more efficient...and we all love to save time!

[Irishonly]

82. Are You Buying It

With all of the budget cuts, aren't you afraid it will blow out supplies for the rest of the year? Who knows maybe you will learn about another used to be torture method to use on kids.

[Faygo Kid]

7. Yeah, I had to waterboard the Pomeranian today.

Yappy little thing. That'll teach her.

[OzarkDem]

34. Awwww

too cute.

[lonestarnot]

45. aaaahhhhhh.... so sweet... and add an extra dose for sweetness.

[Dr.Phool]

71. I tried to waterboard my 130 pound lab mix.

He bit me and demanded a biscuit.

[kestrel91316]

100. I am considering waterboarding Boochi for being a Desk Pest,

but he's actually doing Slipper Kitty right now so I'll leave him be.

[Democrats_win]

9. Spare the waterboard, spoil the child. Put the fear of death in them.

Fear People! Use it till it hurts. (Then stop before it shows.)

[Gregorian]

12. Ha!

While you're at it, you might want to preemptively knife that guy who lives three doors down. I think he's going to break in and rob you. He's got that look about him. And besides, we know he's already got some stolen goods. They're somewhere in his side yard.

[malaise]

17. No he's getting seven shots on his way to the subway

and I'll get a promotion like that English policewoman. I'll be cleared by using terra terra.
reword

[druidity33]

20. yup. we're sure they're there

around the treehouse.

"to the north, south, east and west, somewhat..."

[Maat]

50. Yeah ...

exactly ... thanks for summarizing so eloquently the outrageousness of the whole situation!

[Bolo Boffin]

14. k&r!

Very nicely snarked. :)

[ixion]

15. kicked... waterborading for everyone!!

:sarcasm:

[ulysses]

16. superior.

:D

[ebayfool]

19. Oooooh! I'm gonna tell ...

JeffR, that is! Funniest thread in a long while (& I really needed that!).

rec'ed

[HCE SuiGeneris]

21. So anyway...

I'm laughing my f'n ass off reading this thread. Thanks Mr. Story! and all you other very funny people! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

[cordelia]

22. I'm in Atlanta, and

because of the drought, people in my zip code can only waterboard on Tuesdays and Fridays.

[ulysses]

23. total ban outdoors now.

Better take that waterboarding inside!

[lonestarnot]

46. OMG

:spray: :rofl:

[Mnemosyne]

98. And only for THREE hours! How is anyone

going to get info in that short a time?!

Welcome to DU cordelia! :hi:

[Spinzonner]

24. Does Wal-Mart have a do-it-yourself kit for Christmas ?

[The Straight Story]

25. Yes, complete with holiday stocking and a animimatronic satan gagging

Ho Ho gurgle! I did it, I forgot your present!

[krispos42]

60. You mean for the Holiday Season?

Aisle 37, about halfway down. Sporting goods. Between the inflatable pools and the towels. And don't forget a grounded outdoor extension cord for it!

[Lasher]

61. You mean like this?

[krispos42]

62. No, that's in the musical intrument section

Next to empty moonshine jugs and the harmonicas.



I'm talking about the Ronco Board-O-Matic! With adjustable water sprayers and automatic towel feed mechanism!


And cool blinking lights!

[kster]

26. So what is the preferred method?

I need to know because my 14 year old is getting on my nerves!

[The Straight Story]

27. If it's a girl, you need a barbie board

:rofl:

[AuntPatsy]

28. How sad that I found this so funny, when I then think about those having to endure such

torture I no longer smile and yet I am beginning to believe that if one does not use humor in addressing such important issues they begin to lose their place on the front page headlines.

There is something wrong in this country when far too many people find the way that laws and our government works are just too boring and to long a read to take the time to attempt better understandings of them and would much rather hear about issues in short winded humorous ways which really doesn't help us to understand why we are in the mess we are in today.

Other than that, I loved it and hate the idea that torture is being excepted so easily by those that lead this country's rule of law.

[The Straight Story]

29. Tis sad indeed my friend

the whole issue just leaves my heart heavy.

MY money is being used to do this, and that just rubs me in a real bad way.

[seabeyond]

30. we know. and we talk about them continually and endlessly.

this thread is more along the line of how very stupid it is to suggest waterboarding is not torture. it is NOT making lite of torture. it is thru humor showing the outrageousness of our pres, govt and the people that suggest waterboarding, or tasering (my issue) is NOT a big deal

[AuntPatsy]

31. I know I understand and believe its a valid way to get the point across.

I guess I just find it sad sometimes that your more likely to get a response from the majority of Americans if issues are addressed in such a way, I would think the success of the Daily Show proves my point that they would rather watch that to find out today's headlines that spending a few hours watching what is really going on and being said by watching cspan which is obviously the only way one can hear it all and not just a few sound bites.

[kster]

39. I agree with you, not about this thread, but about

Daily show, David Letterman and as I like to call them "Adult Cartoons" the Simpsons, Family Guy. Its like Fox puts us in front of the TV so that they can soften the news for us by inserting the news into a few quick sound bites coming from comedians and cartoons.

From the looks of it over the past 4 5 years they have infiltrated Saturday Night Live.

Its all a game, and the people who think for themselves are not in it!

[AuntPatsy]

43. I agree with you one hundred percent its all a game and we are nothing but checker pieces as someone

once said we no longer can even be accused of playing chess, because that takes more thought and they don't believe the American people able to have such thought and intellect needed for a much harder game, my hope is that we the people prove them wrong.

[lonestarnot]

48. Light'en up Aunt Patsy.

We're all ready for the nut hut over this deal. It is just so unbelievable. America the tarnished. Look what they've done to my country. :cry: But point taken. :hug:

[madeline_con]

33. It's a defense mechanism humans use

to deal with things that are really difficult.

Humor's weird.

[mac56]

74. Yup.

"Ha, ha...only serious."

[uppityperson]

32. I'm confused. Do you taze before or after waterboarding?

[The Straight Story]

35. I taze while waterboarding

:rofl:

[seabeyond]

36. ba hahahahah, i knew it. i couldnt get to it fast enough

before or after? for wimps.... during, now thats the ticket

[lonestarnot]

49. And roast weenies too?

[Mnemosyne]

99. That is

completely shocking!

[spanone]

38. that's funny, i was waterboarding my great grandmother when i read this! Bwahahahaa

[Contrary1]

42. When waterboarding elderly relatives...

Do we need to remove their dentures first? I would hate like hell to get sued for a replacement set.

[CoffeeCat]

57. If the family that prays together...

stays together--then I'm guessing that the family that waterboards together praises the Lord together!

Do you find that to be true with your great grandmother?

I bet you two have such a bond after that whirlwind experience!

[spanone]

80. she gave up a lot of family secrets....so it is effective....

[CoffeeCat]

94. Hmmmm....

...and good recipes that you could share with the group?

Great grandmas make the best cookies!

[CTLawGuy]

41. haha great post

K&R

[NanceGreggs]

44. I'm too lazy to waterboard ...

I just feed my kids e.coli-laden pizza 'n beef products, and give them lead-based toys to play with.

Sure, it's the easy way out -- but once I'm childless, my family health care insurance premiums will drop to under $15,750 a month!!!

[Quixote1818]

47. OMFG!!! This is the funniest post I have seen on DU EVER!!!!

AWESOME!!!! :thumbsup: :hi: :kick: :headbang: :yourock: :woohoo: :applause: :patriot:

[tyedyeto]

52. Damn.... I never had that option when my kids were young

Where were the Bushies et al back then?

AWOL and askeered of war?

[Hissyspit]

53. Recommended for the subject line alone!

Although I would have added ellipsis marks ... :)

[Stand and Fight]

54. Absolutely positively brilliant analogy!

Kicked and recommended AND bookmarked!
:yourock:

[Fleshdancer]

58. My first child water boarding was a complete disaster

no one ever tells you that the Glad Press'nSeal gets slippery when you pour water on it. I took the time and care to press the stuff firmly on his face, but once the water hit...well it was just a big mess. I went for the fancy stuff because I wanted everything to be perfect, but the cheap generic saran wrap works best. Live and learn I suppose.

[eppur_se_muova]

63. They BOTH confessed? Well, that just proves it works!

What you thought was a simple spilling of juice turns out to be ... a CONSPIRACY!

[upi402]

64. oooh, Unca Dick! You gonna BURN for this Unca Dick!

:evilgrin:

[Ghost in the Machine]

65. K&R... too freakin' funny, dude!

[NuttyFluffers]

66. honestly, the nerve of some people. it's like yoga or stress positions: who's to say?

i regularly sense dep nana when she's having a senior moment. it's what she would've wanted, y'know? a chance to be alone with your memories and all. if only we could all have that luxury with the busy lives we now live, right?

[Hubert Flottz]

67. Wanna' really torture the kids into submission ASAP?

Record one of George's fate of the union messages and play that scary shit back for them a time or two.

[seabeyond]

76. especially if they are texan, intellectual boys....

boy howdie does that set my boys off. firstly it is a fake accent and texans dont really speak that way. secondly bushie boy makes texans sound stupid and that really offends my boys. they flip out.

they also have a book on bush's mistakes and carry it around reading to the kids in their class. i have to tell them to put it away when republican family members come over

[Roland99]

69. I bet it's equally effective on the elderly. Think of the changes you can get made to wills!!

I am *so* gonna be rakin' it in!!


:evilgrin:

[SIMPLYB1980]

72. LOL!!!

:spray:

[Dr.Phool]

73. It all makes perfect sense now.

The Quaker Oats Guy used to waterboard the chimp, and Jebbie, and Neil when they were kids! It explains their enthusiasm.

[CrispyQ]

77. I'd type this up & send to the local paper's editorial section.

You might add a caveat that you are being sarcastic for the morans out there.

Kurt Vonnegut talked about how they often used inappropriate humor to deal with the horror of WWII.

Good work.

[FourScore]

78. Love this.

k&r

[lame54]

81. I waterboard myself to remember...

where i left my keys

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qGwvSwOP7Ow

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fCutvXccFlA

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hr8k8WHTzN0

[panzerfaust]

84. We (The USA) convicted Japanese Officers for waterboarding POWs

As reported in the Mail & Guarian: Cheney Endorses Simulated Drowning

I do not know what sentences they received, but they should now receive a presidental pardon - if not a presidential medal of freedom.

This is our face to the world. How have we sunk so far?

[seabeyond]

87. ya, but we do it without torturing them.

rollin eyes.

[sakabatou]

88. I have no kids

But if I did, I'd use the same methods at Abu Ghraib. Besides, they're just harmless pranks according to the WH.

[L. Coyote]

89. "USA Torture Day" A MASS waterboarding protest organized nationally for the Mukasey vote? ??

Would you be willing to undergo waterboarding as the Senate Judiciary votes on Mukasey?
How many people around the country and the world would you expect to participate?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x2208375

[JNelson6563]

90. lol

good one. :toast:

[NewJeffCT]

91. Didn't they compare Waterboarding to swimming lessons the other day?

I mean, WTF, right?

[El Fuego]

92. We need waterboarding in the schools!

THEN we'll know which kids got their term papers off the internets. And it have the ancillary effect of bringing back school prayer! It all works out.

[Kokonoe]

93. Water boarding? What's that.

I want a job at the justice dept.

[Bread and Circus]

95. very, very funny about a sad, sad thing the govt. is doing in our name

[tomreedtoon]

96. The American Federation of Teachers wants YOU!

You're the perfect example for our young teachers, to show them how to run their classrooms and show the little bastards how to obey. You might even be able to make films we can show in teachers' colleges for useful techniques. Up to now, we've been relying on psychology to break them, but your techniques are far more thrilling. Contact us today.

[Dark]

102. This thread is sick!!! You all should be waterboarded!!!

:evilgrin:

[piesRsquare]

103. We need a waterboarding smilie n/t

[The Straight Story]

104. here it is:

:spray: