Wingnut sent me a "funny" email. What can I send back?

[spinbaby]

I won't bore you with the actual text, but a hard-core grumpy old Republican Fox Noise watcher just sent me a "funny" email about "evolution" describing how conservatives evolved to eat good red meat while liberals eat tofu and how conservatives do all the useful stuff while liberals just like to push people around.

I know you clever DUers will come up with something good to send back at him. Not too insulting, please, he's a basically okay guy and I think I can get an Edwards vote out of him.

[AlCzervik]

1. wow that material is oh so current! Ask them how 1987 is and tell them to buy

Enron stock and go loooooong!

[jgraz]

2. Oh please post the text. Should be good for a laugh.

[spinbaby]

15. Here ya go

Personally, I find it rather pathetic.


Human History 101:


For those that don't know about history...Here is a condensed version...
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals 2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required gr ain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventua lly evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
 
 
 
 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to irritate them.

[jgraz]

19. OK, I was wrong. It's just sad and disgusting.

On the bright side, conservatives are sounding more and more pathetic.

[alfredo]

22. Conservatives like the status quo. We'd still be walking on all fours if

we'd listened to the conservatives.

[semillama]

27. wait, so according to this "joke"

the original conservatives were all homosexuals?

and there wouldn't be women unless there were liberals?

so if there weren't any liberals, he'd be a homosexual?

That might make him think a little...assuming he's a typical homophobic republican and not openly gay himself.

[Ghost in the Machine]

3. Tell him how repigs evolve into pedophiles

then send him this link: http://www.republicansexoffenders.com

or this picture:

[T Wolf]

4. not mine, but posted here a few days back...

TOP TEN REASONS THE ‘ROCKIES OF AGES’ LOST THE WORLD SERIES
By Don Davis

If you haven’t heard by now, the official team of Jesus, the Colorado Rockies, against all Biblical odds, were swept in the World Series by the Boston Red Sox. As highlighted at One Good Move, the Rockies have become baseball’s equivalent of the Bush Justice Department — recruiting “holy rollers” to take their turn at bat with the Lord.

But contrary to popular perception, their defeat was not solely attributable to being out-hit and out-pitched. Here then, from the home office of Galilee, are the Top Ten Reasons the Rockies were smitten in the World Series:

10. “THOU SHALL NOT STEAL” GREATLY HAMPERED THEIR PROGRESS ON THE BASEPATHS.

9. MISTOOK COACH’S HIT-AND-RUN SIGN FOR “SIGN OF THE CROSS.”

8. HOMOPHOBIA PREVENTED TEAMMATE “ASS-PATTING,” DESTROYING TEAM MORALE.

7. ROCKIES MANAGER REFUSED TO USE BULLPEN, DRIVING OUT THE PITCHING CHANGERS.

6. CITING THE APOSTLES, TEAM INSISTED ON PLAYING TWELVE FIELDERS, THUS FORFEITING GAME.

5. “TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK” RESULTED IN OUTFIELDERS GETTING SMACKED BY FLY BALLS.

4. GOT SICK AFTER SWALLOWING CHEWING TOBACCO LIKE COMMUNION WAFERS.

3. REFUSED TO MOUNT LATE INNING RESURRECTIONS WITHOUT A SIGN FROM ABOVE.

2. PITCHING COACH CONFUSED HURLERS WITH SERMON ON THE MOUND.

1. UNMARRIED PLAYERS NOT ALLOWED TO ADVANCE BEYOND FIRST BASE.

[thoughtanarchist]

5. you could start here:

Report ties meat, body fat to cancer

http://news.google.com/news/url?sa=t&ct=us/7-0-1&fp=472a904143c9c298&ei=WgsqR42nIKWuoALe5qS5DQ&url=http%3A//www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2007/11/01/report_ties_meat_body_fat_to_cancer&cid=1122924103

[BOSSHOG]

6. I'm not very clever

but I did happen upon an article in the local paper today that said to help fight cancer cut way back on red meat. (This requires knowledge not that conservative value belief.) Useful stuff? Like burn down abortion clinics, destroy the constitution, expose an undercover CIA agent (treason), lie us into never ending war, hang out in men's room trolling for cock? Useful stuff? Yeah, those saints bush and cheney don't push anyone around. I have no patience for trash like him regardless of the potential vote.

[eppur_se_muova]

7. Send him one of these:

http://www.cafepress.com/joefree17

[opiate69]

8. Send him these..

Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican

by John Gray

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host’s keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have”.

[CT_Progressive]

11. This is a great reply.

Not insulting, yet eye opening.

[spinbaby]

16. That's a good one

Off it goes! Thanks.

[alfredo]

9. I would like to see the text of the e-mail. There is research that shows

that authoritarians and authoritarian followers tend to be republicans. John Dean did a three part series on authoritarians.

http://writ.news.findlaw.com/dean/20070905.html

http://writ.news.findlaw.com/dean/20070921.html

http://writ.news.findlaw.com/dean/20070925.html

Who wants to push people around?

Remind him that John Dean is a life long Republican.

[Bitwit1234]

10. Gee republicans do - all the work like

start wars, ruin the ecomomy, ruin our reputation, allow the poor and needy to die, appoint buttholes who don't know the first thing about running the country, veto health insurance for children, dodge fighting in wars to protect our country. dodge going overseas in service of their country, giving no bid illegal contracts to crooks who bleed our country dry. Make defective equipment for our troops. Fail to provide health services for the very vets they sent into a bogus war.

And that's just to name a few.

[Initech]

12. Here's what you send back:

One of the greatest Americans who's ever lived. :evilgrin:

[bunkerbuster1]

13. How about asking, nicely, if Grumpy Old Pubbie actually BELIEVES any of this nonsense?

If it has to be humorous, you might throw in a "joke" like, "I haven't stir-fried any fetuses for months!"

[jebediah]

14. Conservatives evolve? nt

[pitohui]

17. don't try to teach a pig to whistle EOM

.

[HughBeaumont]

18. Ok, Here we go:

"You voted for Bush twice . . . aaaaaaaaand you're making fun of ANYTHING or ANYONE.

Yeah.

You get the zero. Try harder next time."

[Javaman]

20. isn't it ironic that he sends this "pushy" email yet accuses Liberals of being as such. nt

[DS1]

21. Drive to his house, punch him in the face, fuck his wife, steal his steak

[Bucky]

24. Why would you reward this woman for marrying an idiot?

Oh wait, I get it! She's his property, so pleasuring her is, um, punishing him? No, turns out I don't get it.

[hootinholler]

23. A burning sack of poop?

Just a suggestion.

-Hoot

[Bucky]

25. There's this joke about George Bush and Brazilians that's pretty good. But I can't find it on DU

[B Calm]

26. Send Him THIS! WHAT HAS THE GOP DONE FOR WORKERS?

WHAT HAS GOP DONE FOR WORKERS?

CLINT C. GOLD
10/24/1999
Tulsa World


Not too long ago, my wife and I attended a TV football
party in south Tulsa. With a lopsided score, the
conversation turned to a livelier subject -- politics. The
crowd was, of course, top-heavy with Republicans. With each
point expressed their faces became more flushed, eyes
bulging a little more and veins popping in their foreheads
as they railed against the liberal programs.

Finally a lone, liberal voice asked: "Will you people
name me one bill your party ever passed to help the working
man of this country?" The question created much din and
clamor, and someone sputtered, "Well, what have the
Democrats done?"

The liberal responded with a few programs and was
interrupted by howling and disdain. He noted that he had
not promised they would like the programs and he asked to
complete his statement -- a difficult task to ask of
Republicans.

He spoke of Social Security; Medicare-Medicaid; Peace
Corps; unemployment insurance; welfare (for the poor and
corporate); civil rights; student grant and loan programs;
safety laws (OSHA); environmental laws; prevailing wage
laws; right to collective bargaining (which brought about
paid medical insurance, paid vacations, pensions, etc.);
workers' compensation; Marshall Plan; flood-disaster
insurance; School Lunch Program; women's rights.

He spoke of the Fair Labor Standards Act, which
established a minimum wage, instituted child labor laws,
and set up time-and-a-half pay for over a 40-hour week.

He mentioned FHA-HUD with its public housing, urban
renewal and 44 million residential homes (before WWII
almost 70 percent of our nation were renters; by the 1970s
this had been reversed). And farm-conservation
subsidies -- USDA programs, Farmers Home Administration (the
bankers didn't want to make rural loans), small
flood-control lakes (more than 3,000 in Oklahoma alone),
rural water districts, rural electricity (REA).

The GI Bill was passed, which the Republicans at the
time bitterly opposed. They were salivating over millions
of returning veterans to hire as cheap labor. More than 8 million have used college benefits, creating millions of
entrepreneurs; most of us had never dreamed of college. For
the unemployed GI, there was $20 a week for 52 weeks to
help get started (a lot of money in those days). The
Veterans Administration provided more than 2 million home
loans.

For the bankers at the football party, it was pointed
out that the liberals saved their industry with the
creation of FDIC and FSLIC, insuring their deposits, and
saved Wall Street with the establishment of the Securities
Exchange Commission.

The oil men came on bended knees to FDR at a time when
East Texas oil was 4 cents a barrel and begged him to save
their industry. He did; prorationing overturned the rule of
capture and the days of flush production were over.
Prorating has served this great industry (and nation)
well.


And the list went on and on, but of course this group
didn't let him get halfway through. He noted they were
weary, inattentive, so again he challenged them to offer up
any Republican legislation examples.

"I'm sure your party has authored one or two comparable
bills from time to time, but I can't think of any, and
apparently you can't either. What it boils down to is this:
the liberals dragged you into the 20th century scratching
and screaming with your heels in the mud, fighting anything
that's progressive, everything that's made this country
great. You Republicans have never understood that the
spending power of blue-collar workers, obtained through
Democrats and unions, is what really made this country
great. You really believe "The Good Life" was obtained from
your own endeavors. You cloak your greed in religion and
patriotism, railing against any form of tax, never
comprehending that these programs have benefitted all of us
and our country."

Well, I almost didn't make it out of the house. My wife
and I didn't even get to see the end of the football game.


If Reps. Steve Largent or J.C. Watts had been there,
perhaps politics would never have come up, only the game
plan ... pity.
Clint C. Gold is former mayor of Moore and a retired
savings and loan executive.