Have you ever forgetten that you had a child in your care?

[redqueen]

Just curious as to how common this thing is, where a parent just forgets their offspring is in the back seat.

(had to edit the poll to allow for childless DUers who have been placed in charge of taking care of children... just because)

[Maestro]

1. Nope

Never, no matter how stressed or upset I may be.

[krabigirl]

2. Never. My baby is always on my mind...there's no way I could forget where she is!!!

[Virginia Dare]

13. Have you ever had that horrible dream where you lost your child?

I had that a lot when I was pregnant..you wake up in a panic. Welcome to DU!!!

[blondeatlast]

16. When pregnant, I had dreams that I had forgotten my son.

The reality is it's never happened--possibly the dreams made me even more aware.

[Virginia Dare]

17. That's probably true..

it terrifies you so much, you never want to experience it in reality. Must be some sort of innate thing that occurs, one of the mysteries of life.

[Arugula Latte]

40. I have those now ... often they involve trying to find my kids in murky water

:scared:

I also often have anxiety dreams about my cats -- like they're out in traffic or something. :(

[redqueen]

43. I thought we all did during pregnancy.

Horrible, horrible, awful nightmares those were. But I remember them, vividly, to this very day.

Perhaps it's nature's way of saying "DON'T DO THIS!"

[w8liftinglady]

3. there have been times,when I had three rambunctious boys,that I wanted to forget

just kidding...never

[Stinky The Clown]

4. Forgetting your kid is, to me, incomprehensible.

Ours are all out and gone and we don't forget about them. How anyone could forget a child in their car is simply beyond me.

[phantom power]

5. A one-in-a-million mistake can happen 300 times a day in America.

Or, one-in-a-million-per-person-per-day, to be more precise.

Anyway, I'm sure it's surpassingly rare, but when you multiply it by millions of parents, it's still enough to show up on the evening news a few times each year.

[redqueen]

8. The things is... I can't imagine how this is done by "mistake".

I just do not understand the "OOPS! I forgot about my kid!" excuse.

[phantom power]

14. I think I can imagine how it might happen.

The kid is sleeping. He's in the back seat, so you aren't necessarily seeing him. Maybe you've got two other noisy older kids in the front with you, who have been driving you batshit crazy for the last 20 minutes on the way home. You've got 10 bags of perishable groceries in the trunk, and it's 110F out, and you're already worried that the eggs might be spoiling in the heat before you even get them home. You quick grab a bunch of groceries with one hand, and the other two misbehaving rug-rats by the collar in hour other, and drag them in the house. The phone rings, and the two rugrats start beating up the dog.

You get the idea.

And again, even *with* all that going on, it's a one-in-a-million mistake.

This is the second time I've found myself "defending" scary parental fuck-ups that get on the evening news. I'm not sure why, since it's awful. Maybe it's because lots of people ask "how could they do that?" And I guess I feel like I know how. I'm colossally absent-minded, and I worry a lot that someday I might pull some awful screw-up like this.

[Pithlet]

I agree. Parents make mistakes. It sounds callous and uncaring, but it's the truth.

It almost never results in a child being seriously hurt or killed, thank God. But, every once in awhile, it does. It's a horrible, awful tragedy. It's easy to say "I'd never forget I had my child". It is hard to imagine it, myself. I don't think I've ever done that. It's true that sometimes parents are neglectful and incompetent. But, I think it's possible for the most conscientious, intelligent parent to make that one mistake that leads to a tragedy. And all it takes is one. Odds are at least some of those parents it happened to read a story like that and thought "It could never happen to me. What kind of idiot could make such a mistake". And then it happened to them.

[Beausoir]

21. Thank you for your reasoned and compassionate voice.

Honest to god. I have 5 very young children and the thought that I could make a mistake and lose one of them is hellish. I spend every moment loving them and protecting them. But I am a human being. I can and do make mistakes. Thankfully, none of my parental mistakes have resulted in injury or death.

I object to people sitting around on an internet message board, casting stones about an horrific situation they know very little about.

[redqueen]

25. EVERYONE makes mistakes.

When those mistakes are so huge they cause death, usually people are punished for that.

Also, not all mistakes are equal. Forgetting you have your child is way out to the end of the spectrum.

[Pithlet]

31. Sometimes the mistakes are huge, but nothing happens.

Sometimes a child is forgotten, but the temperatures aren't hot, and the child is okay and everyone is relieved. It never makes the news, and the incident is eventually forgotten. Sometimes the child gets out of the house while mom or dad is doing the dishes, but doesn't get hit, is found, everyone is relieved, doesn't make the news, and everything is eventually forgotten. Sometimes the child doesn't see the pan handle hanging over the edge. Sometimes they don't see the uncovered outlet that was missed. Sometimes the nervous parent who is taking their baby for a wellbaby checkup for the first time forgot to fasten the buckle on the infant carrier, but didn't have a car accident. Sometimes parents are overworked, and tired, and are human. Sometimes parents are as vigilant as they can be, but they're human and they make that one stupid fuck up, but nothing happened so no one is the wiser.

The fact is that these tragedies don't just come from the stupid, incompetent, negligent parents. They come from the fact that people are human, including parents. Parent or not, most of the mistakes we make don't result in another person's death, even if that were a possible outcome, but occasionally tragedy strikes. The fact that most of us walk around without having ever accidentaly caused the death of another person is at least partly due to luck.

If parents are honest, they start talking about the mistakes they made that very well could have resulted in the serious injury or death of their child, and if that had happened they would have been vilified and punished. They think "Thank God that didn't happen to me" and not "What a stupid monster who never should have had a child to begin with." The fact is that even the most loving, conscientious parents make mistakes that can and do result in the death of a child. I'm not saying no parent should ever be charged for it. I'm saying that the notion that these are only defective people is a dangerous one. If a parent thinks it could never happen to them, then they may not be as careful to make sure it doesn't.

[redqueen]

33. They do come from careless parents.

You can use the ugly adjectives for effect, but the fact is it is careless. Extremely careless. Yes, some people are just lucky, and when they leave their children unattended because it's inconvenient to do otherwise, their child doesn't pay for that mistake its life. However, for those who don't leave their children unattended, it's not luck, is it?

Again, not all mistakes are equal. Yes, I've left sharp objects out and have ended up at the ER because my daughter cut herself. Leaving dangerous items in the reach of children is a frequent mistake, and does result in the death of children sometimes. However, can you really compare leaving your razor by the bathtub instead of putting it back on the shelf to forgetting the child is even in the same car with you? That's why I started this thread... I cannot wrap my head around that.

I see that a few DUers HAVE forgotten they had their child with them. That's why I started this thread. I wanted to know, if this really is just another kind of mistake... how often does it happen?

And why the hyperbole? I didn't call anyone a stupid monster.

[Pithlet]

35. I'm not arguing that it isn't careless.

I'm arguing that it can happen to the best parents because even the best ones have their careless moments. Because it is true. It's a scary truth because we want to think we're immune to it because we're such good parents. But that isn't the truth. I think knowing that truth is what makes us conscientious parents the way we are. We know that it could happen to us if we aren't constantly on our guard. Some of us just don't take it to the inevitable conclusion that we are also human, so those careless moments can happen despite our vigilance. It's a scary, tragic truth. It's scary to think that some of these parents who lost their children were just like us. But it's important to know that.

I think the point that some mistakes are worse than others is moot when the end result is the same. A dead child is a dead child, whether they drowned in the tub because you got up to answer the phone, or because the routine changed and you got no sleep and forgot you were the one who was supposed to drop the baby off at daycare. Both mistakes can happen to normal, average, loving parents. There are clueless dolts who's kids die because they were negligently and willfully careless. And then there are kids who die because their average, loving parents were human and had a careless moment.

[redqueen]

36. I see what you're saying.

I think perhaps it is because some of us are so vigilant due to experiencing the smaller mistakes that we all make... that we just can't understand this unbelievably, unimaginably huge one.

I appreciate the compassion you're introducing to this thread. I'm sorry that I was short on it yesterday... I think hearing that she, unlike others, wouldn't be punished... I think it just got to me.

The daytime news shows are sure going all out to shelter / defend her. That also makes me suspicious. Sad, but true.

[Pithlet]

41. I understand. It's such a shocking, horrifying outcome.

I do understand the response. A child is dead and it could have so easily been prevented. To think "OMG, you're such an idiot, how could you do that to your child!" I think that, too. If there is one good thing to come out of these stories, it's that it reminds the rest of us to stay on our guard. It's easy to fall into routine, and go about tasks without really thinking about it, and that's where tragedy can strike. As much as I hate hearing these stories and it breaks my heart, I comfort myself by thinking that maybe the airing of those stories also saved some other children's lives.

I also think cars companies should start equipping cars with warning systems that work in conjunction with those latch systems that are in all the cars, now. A parent could activate it, and then it could emit a soft sound or flashing light on the dashboard whenever the latch system was engaged. Some day care vans are equipping themselves with similar safety devices, and I don't think it's a bad idea for cars, ether.

[FourScore]

51. I agree with you there.

On the other hand, there is forgetting and then there is purposefully leaving them...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=1754465&mesg_id=1754465

[mondo joe]

29. I think there are different orders of magnitude of "mistake".

I left the kid out of my sight a little too long? Sure.

I left him sitting in the tub while I ran to the other room to pick up the phone. Okay.

I couldn't remember when he got his last dose of tylenol? Yeah.

I left him in the car for a few hours? That is really well beyond "mistake".

[Pithlet]

34. Of course there are.

My only point is there is no such thing as a perfect parent who will never make a mistake that could possibly result in the death of a child. That even applies to car incidents, because as shocking and sensational as the stories are, it's the same kind of "Where was my head" mistake that the tylenol overdose or bathtub incidents are. They just make the news more. I once was firmly in the camp that it could only happen to a stupid, negligent parent. But after awhile I noticed that many of these cases happened when a routine was changed. Parents of babies and small children are very often sleep deprived, and on top of that they're working lots of hours because we don't get very long parental leaves. I don't think there's very much difference between getting up to answer the phone during bathtime, and "I usually don't take the baby to daycare, and in my sleep deprived haze forgot that I was supposed to do that". How many times do any of us drive to work without even thinking about where we're going? I don't think that every single case of baby left in the car is stupid moron parent. I think sometimes it's average parent. I think thinking otherwise can be dangerous, because how vigilant will someone be who thinks it can't happen to them? I think the point that these parents aren't that different from you and me is an important one.

[Cleita]

6. I don't forget the cats or the dogs when they are in my care

let alone a child. I don't really understand it unless there are drugs and/or alcohol involved. I had a friend once who would arrive and ask me if I would look after her two year old for an hour or two so she could go shopping. Twice she disappeared for more than twenty four hours. It turned out she stopped at a bar, got drunk, ended up partying and after sobering up overnight came to pick up the child. In the meantime, my husband and I were in a panic that something could have happened to her. She did the same to her sister many times. The sister finally won custody of the child.

[redqueen]

9. Sure, drugs or alcohol... that would explain it. Or mental illness.

Otherwise, I just don't see how it's possible.

[H2O Man]

7. Never.

Never ever.

[supernova]

10. I've never forgotten my niece and nephews

while I was baby sitting. I didn't think that was possible. :shrug: But this string of left behind babies has me thinking there are some really self centered people with kids who probably shouldn't have them.

[Arkansas Granny]

11. I have never forgotten that I had a child in my care. I have,

however, tried to grab the hand of a blond headed child running past me in the store before I recalled that my children were not with me and that I was trying to shepherd the child of a perfect stranger.

[chelsea0011]

12. Lost rack of them for a short period? Yup. Forgot that this was a school pickup

day? Yup. But just forget that they are with me? Can't say that has happened. The one thing I noticed when I became a parent was the new found sense of radar that I developed. It's was that beacon that would go off when something just didn't seem right.

[jody]

15. Congress forgot it had a child in its care in the Oval Office. n/t

[Virginia Dare]

18. I vote we send him back to Bar and Poppy...n/t

[mentalsolstice]

19. I've tried really hard to forget at times...

but, nope there they were...

[Beausoir]

20. Walk a mile in that woman's shoes. I get your point, but sheesh.

Do you have children? I'm betting you don't.

[redqueen]

24. Yes, I do.

That's why I find this story about forgetting your child is with you so absolutely unbelievable.

[mondo joe]

30. Me too. I found having kids meant constant awareness - not conscious all the time.

The image that most comes to mind for me is being out without the kids, and constantly having this low-grade "I FORGOT THE BABY!" thing going on, even though consciously I knew I didn't. I remember repeatedly looking over my shoulder at the empty car seat just out of habit.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

22. I forgot everything else but my kids. I forgot how the read, I forgot how to

dress, I forgot how to hold an adult conversation but I never forgot my children.

[DemReadingDU]

23. There was a case a few years ago

The mom usually took the child to daycare. But on this day, the mom & dad had to switch cars, and the dad was to take the child to day care. Except he forgot the child was in the car and he went to work. The child was in the car all day, and died. Anyone else remember this? It was very tragic.

edit for clarity

[SaveOurDemocracy]

45. I remember that story ...

It was the disruption of routine that set the scenario for this tragedy.

[gollygee]

26. My dad has a story

when I was 5 months old, my mom had to take my older sister somewhere so he and I were home alone. A friend called him and invited him to breakfast, and he forgot about me and left for breakfast. He said that just as the food was set on the table he remembered, threw some money down, and left for home, to find me still asleep in my crib. But he said he was scared to death.

I forgot to pick my daughter up from preschool once. I could definitely see me forgetting a child in the car if he/she were asleep. I have a rule that every time I leave the car, I look in the back seat. And every time I get in the car, before I start to drive, I double check to make sure my daughter's seat belt is fastened. I have set up these little rituals because otherwise I'm not sure I would remember and I'm terrified of this kind of scenario.

My husband says he could never forget, and I believe him. I think it's a personality thing, like some people are more "in this moment" and some people are off thinking about other things more. Like a Meyers-Briggs kind of thing, S vs N or something like that. Anyway, I have great compassion for parents who have done this where it is truly an accident. I think that every case should be well investigated though because it would be too easy for the Susan Smiths of the world to kill off their kids if we just assumed every time it happened it was an accident.

[redqueen]

37. Thank you for sharing your story.

I use those little rituals too... for the same reason.

[mondo joe]

27. When my kids were little, it was the opposite - when they weren't with me I kept thinking they

were. I always had this "where's the baby?" thing going on.

[BlooInBloo]

28. I do it all the time. Why are you such a child hater? It's YOUR fault something goes wrong...

... because it takes VILLAGE, and you're a child-hating villager.






(parody of parental-irresposibility-advocating DUer. Not very skillfully done; it's early for me.)

[GumboYaYa]

32. No, but when they are not in the car, I find myself constantly looking for them.

It's phantom child syndrome. I am so accustomed to them being there and checking on them, that when they are not I look for them.

[sandnsea]

38. I've forgotten them at day care

I forgot I was supposed to pick my son up at day care once; and forgot to pick a friend's kid up from kindergarten once. But I've never forgotten my kids in the car. I guess if your spouse usually takes the child to day care, I can kind of see it happening.

[redqueen]

42. Yeah...

maybe there should be a campaign similar to "buckle up" that says "check the back seat".

[IndianaJones]

39. Man I'm glad I saw this thread...its like 90 degrees out today. nt

[vanlassie]

44. Does Forgetting That She is At My Breast Count?

Yep- That's what happens when mothers multi-task, sometimes....

vanlassie
:rofl:

[Pithlet]

48. I forgot I was breastfeeding in public, once.

Man, if this doesn't have the potential to spark another flamewar, but I'll take that risk. I was in the hospital waiting room in the pediatric section and I fed the baby while we were waiting to be seen. There was no one else in the room with us, but it's a very open room. I completely forgot I was in a public place, and whipped it right out. I even hefted it to see if it was the full boob since I alternated sides. I turn and see two adolescent boys staring at me wide eyed. :hide: I've ruined them forever, I'm sure.

[vanlassie]

49. Yep- It happens....

One time my 2 year old daughter fell and hert herself while we were are her brother's soccer conference. There with about a hundred dads in the vacinity, I picked her up and latched her on..(naturally) and only when we were in the car on the way to the hospital did I realize I had been completely oblivious to the men. As it SHOULD be, of course. But sadly, just not typical in our culture.

[porphyrian]

46. I've never done this, but I have been completely distracted before...

...and I suspect it can happen to anyone at any time, given the proper conditions, which are thankfully rare.

[MadinMo]

47. I have never forgotten my kids were with me,

but when they were very small I used to have nightmares about forgetting to take care of them.

I cannot imagine forgetting my baby/child was in the car with me. What a horror!

[redqueen]

52. Well hello MadinMo!

Welcome to DU! :hi:

I'm almost sorry to be so cheerful in greeting you, being in a thread like this... but life does go on.

[Missy Vixen]

50. I submit that some of these "mistakes" aren't

IMHO, YMMV, I am not a parent.

I am reading the comments on this thread from parents. Everyone makes mistakes. At the same time, there are a rash of these heat-related deaths every summer, and there are still people who resent their own children, for whatever reason. I've also read the comments about "of course, you have no idea how tired these parents are," etcetera. It's easy for me to say, isn't it? At the same time, someone that impaired shouldn't be driving a car in the first place, let alone caring for a child under five.

Again, IMHO, YMMV.
Julie

[earth mom]

53. How busy could you be to not think of your kid or kids for HOURS & HOURS?!

When I was first became a mom, I was struck by how hyper aware of my kid I was. Still am that way. That's why I don't understand forgetting your kid like that.