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Since the Muddle East has yet again exploded into its own particular version of insanity, it seems all too likely that the time of the Rapture is almost upon us, and all those godly folks will be taking their leave of this mortal coil by being sucked up into heaven to leave us sinners in the foulness of the time of Tribulation.
This being the case, I thought I'd provide a handy guide for the heretics, pagans, and other non-believers to say goodbye to their soon-to-be-departing loved ones.
1. Pack warm clothing. It gets cold up there on the clouds, and your loved ones will need extra sweaters and a good winter coat.
2. Include no worldly entertainment. The rest of their eternal existence will be spent groveling before God, so they will no longer need their favorite novels (probably written by unrepentant sinners who won't be in heaven anyway) or DVDs. And, yes, this does include their extensive porn collections.
3. Include extra underwear. The process of being sucked into heaven will most likely cause some people to release their bladders and/or bowels, and therefore it's a good idea to include as many pairs of underwear as physically possible, considering the room required by winter clothing.
4. Pictures of loved ones. A group photo of all members of the family NOT considered likely candidates for Rapture would be a wonderful going away present.
5. A satellite map of Earth, so when they're looking down upon high, observing the carnage, they are more easily able to locate their loved ones' locale.
6. Sunscreen and sunglasses. Above the clouds there is far less protection from the scorching ultraviolet radiation of the sun, so it behooves those who will be left behind to provide these things for the one to be raptured.
7. Do NOT include MP3 or portable music players. All modern and popular music is OF THE DEVIL and is therefore banned from heaven. The heavenly host will provide all musical accompaniment for the rest of eternity.
8. For the safety of those who will NOT be raptured, it is important to keep all potential Rapturees from operating motor vehicles or heavy equipment of any kind for the rest of their time on Earth. This includes cars, buses, trains, airplanes, ships, and smaller boats, as well as forklifts or earth-moving equipment. Licenses should be revoked and keys confiscated until further notice.
9. Since it may be the case that the Rapturee will be allowed one Holy Smiting per day, a high-powered sniper rifle is an ideal parting gift to be included in the departing person's luggage, particularly if they plan to travel outside the United States--where they themselves cannot purchase such an item--in the brief span of time before the rapture comes.
10. Photo ID will be required in order to ensure that the Holy Host does not accidentally Rapture the wrong people and accidentally infect heaven with their evilness.
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