***DUzy Awards for week ending August 10, 2007.***

JeffR

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Fri Aug-10-07 04:59 PM
Original message

Welcome to the DUzy Awards, honoring idiomatic iconoclasm, intrepid irreverence, and ingenious insanity from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

The woozy DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

Special thanks this week to sfexpat2000, unhappycamper, eppur_se_muova, AZDemDist6, Buzz Clik, BushDespiser12, Kurovski, sfexpat2000, MuseRider, CaliforniaPeggy, helderheid, hootinholler, bicentennial_baby, stellanoir, eridani, REACTIVATED IN CT, Longhorn, Maddy McCall, jazzjunkysue, lynnertic, Lars39, Bjornsdotter, havocmom, KitchenWitch, ih8thegop, 48percenter and NanceGreggs for their invaluable assistance.

A number of links to threads about leaving DU came through the transom this week; after mulling it over, I'm leaving them out. Let's just say that a few lost DUzies pale next to some of the community's other losses this week.

*** Please note that the DUzy Awards will not appear next week. ***

The next DUzies will appear on August 24, and will cover two weeks.

OP by Mythsaje:

Thoughts for the day
I've got better things to do than debate a die-hard Republican. Like shaving a cat. It's generally more productive too.

If I wanted an uninformed opinion, I'd call Bill O'Reilly.

If Democrats are Communists, what are Communists?

Confucious say: "Man who sits on fence gets splinters in ass."

If you don't do politics, politics will DO you.

I'll believe in Democracy when Democracy starts believing in ME.

Government isn't the enemy. The ENEMY is the enemy. Too many of them just happen to work in THIS government.

If you have enough money to drive an SUV, you have enough to buy a clue.

If good sense was money, the Republicans would be broke.

The light from a television cannot illuminate a darkened mind.

Greed isn't good. It's evil. No matter how much you try to justify it. Evil can always justify itself. It's the nature of the beast.

I don't like Dick OR Bush. Does that make me asexual?

The cry-baby Republicans in Congress desperately need an emergency shipment of pacifiers. Anyone care to chip in?

We elected the Dems to Congress to lead us out of this mess. We didn't realize they'd need a seeing-eye dog to do it. Anyone got one they can spare?

I tried to be a Republican, but I look really bad in swastikas.

The Republican Party: Building bridges to nowhere for the last five decades.

The Republican mantra: If at first you don't succeed, make excuses.

:evilgrin:

GD, August 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1506797

On a thread by TechBear_Seattle:

China tells Tibet's living Buddhas to apply for reincarnation
"Tibetan living Buddhas are no longer allowed to be reincarnated without permission from the atheist Chinese government, state media reported Friday..."

response #9 by jazzjunkysue:

Yet in america, if you claim god speaks to you, you get to be president.
Just as long as your daddy was president, first, and all his multinational corporate friends think they can make billions puppetting your every decision.

Religion/Theology, August 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=214x140393

On a thread by superconnected:

      TSA: All carry-on electronics must be inspected
"The TSA has announced a new security enhancement that could affect the way you pack your carry-on bags.

Effective Saturday, August 4th, passengers must remove all electronic items, such as DVD players, video cameras, and MP3 players, from their carry-ons at security checkpoints for inspection..."

response #9 by PetrusMonsFormicarum:

      It's my fault
I was watching Al Jazeera's podcast.

response #12 by pink-o:

      oh, but lighters are okay now!
Starting tomorrow, you can carry a lighter thru the checkpoint, {because the tobacco lobby is so powerful in Washington} er...studies have shown lighters are no longer a threat.

However, watch out for those cell phones and mp3 players! Blocks of cheddar--right out. You're SOL, Wisconsin.

And as for bottles of water, eyedrops, or the xanax gel caps you need to get thru the stress of the security checkpoint, fuggeddaboutit! Does anyone remember that last August, no drinks could be taken on airplanes, regardless of if they were bought past the checkpoint. But the concessions and restaurants lost too much money, so that rule got thrown out within a month.

I know, because I work at SFO for a major airline. The TSA is loyal to its corporate masters just like all the other Bush agencies, and God forbid that our security might be bad for business!

response #13 by Gormy Cuss:

      Shush--- don't tell the truth about airport security.
Too bad there aren't more American shoe manufacturers to lobby for our footwear.

response #24 by Hekate:

      Take out those hearing aids, ma'am, and back slowly away.
Ma'am. Ma'am? YOU CAN PUT THEM BACK IN NOW!

LBN, August 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2941059

OP by madrchsod:

finally ! .....25,000 posts all typed with one finger !

The Lounge, August 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6796719

On a thread by Tab:

Iraqi power grid nearing collapse

response #13 by Warren Stupidity:

It's known as the 'Heck of a job Brownout'. nt.

LBN, August 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2942178

On a thread by turtlensue:

Hello, I'm an atheist and I have morals and feelings too!

response #17 by Kerry4Kerry:

Oh, puhlease!
Every time it's your turn to gather enough babies for the monthly Atheist Baby Eating Feast you pull this "Oh, but I'm so moral" stunt to try weasel out of it. We aren't buying it this time. It's your turn, and we're not going to let you get away with just bringing the beer again.

Religion/Theology, August 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=214x140555

On a thread by LiberalFighter:

Why does the Senate Chaplain...
need a Chief of Staff, Communications Director and Program/Office Manager?

response #1 by Bumblebee:

To communicate with God and all his angels, of course

GDP, August 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3426263

On a thread by The Straight Story:

      Exotic Dancer Revives Client During Show
"Karnesha Nantz, 25, was hired early Friday morning to perform a personal show for Daniel Karpinski, 46, at Karpinski's home on the 400 block of Southeast Evans Avenue in Port St. Lucie, police said.

According to a police report, while Nantz was dancing, she turned and faced away from Karpinski for approximately 20 seconds. When she turned around again to face him, Karpinski was slumped down on the couch and was having trouble breathing, police said.

Nantz called 911 and began to administer CPR on Karpinski..."

response #3 by Jack Rabbit:

      Mr. Karpinski really got his money's worth

response #5 by Buzz Clik:

      Don't know what Mr. Karpinski paid for this, but I'm guessing he gave her a huge tip.
She puts down some killer move that absolutely stops his heart, and then he gets butt nekkid CPR.

Even in his near death condition, he had to be smiling.

The Lounge (moved from GD), August 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6799273

OP by seawolf:

      How do you make Republican Chicken Soup?
First, steal one chicken...

response #1 by cynatnite:

      It has to be from a starving family, I take it n/t

response #3 by Elrond Hubbard:

      Don't forget to outsource the production of the soup...

The Lounge, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6802251

On a thread by seriousstan:

      China tells living Buddhas to obtain permission before they reincarnate

response #22 by daleo:

      There should be some controls on reincarnation
It has been getting out of hand lately.

response #35 by Javaman:

      This just in...
China (ap) - China announced today that no one is allowed to die without their permission.

In an oddly worded decree the Chinese President stated, "Due to security risks, everyone must get a permission form filed in triplicate in order to die properly, those who die with out permission will be sentenced to a jail term not to exceed life".

Confused and befuddled citizens were seen complying with the new order as they lined up to get their predeath certification at the ministry of life.

One person was quoted as saying, "damn, I had plans of dying next week, but I guess I'm going to have to put it off until the paper work comes through, I was told it could take as long as a year!"

Funeral homes through out the communist nation have complained to the local authorities and are still waiting an official response.

response #36 by ContraBass Black:

      What is the penalty for violation?
Immediate deincarnation?

LBN, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2942788

OP by pinto:

      I'm going to patent a refrigerator for the single guy:
I love to cook, like crazy, yet I'm bad at using leftovers, no matter my best intentions. Friends say freeze it for later. I've tried, believe me. Works sometimes, sometimes not so well.

My refrigerator has a definite 'time line' from front to back. Current stuff is in the front. Some long term stuff holds the middle ground and the sides. The rear, though, is alive with failed dishes, onetimers and various others now green. :scared:

Every two weeks (or so) I dig it all out to start over again.

I'm thinking of designing the reefer for the single guy. A two door model, front and back, on a lazy susan type set up. Come trash day all you have to do is spin the sucker around, dump the back end out, and return to place. :woohoo:

(aside) LOL, I'm gay and such a failure at housekeeping. Another stereotype bites the dust.

response #1 by wakemeupwhenitsover:

      I find this very sexist. LOL
Why would it only be for guys? And why only for singles? I'm married & female & I have all kinds of moldy things growing back there. Hell, I can't even get up the courage to go in the back once every two weeks. I have to wait months.

My favorite saying while cleaning the kitchen after dinner: I'll save this to throw out later.

response #2 by Sparkly:

      I call them "antique foods."
Before H2S and I were living together, I actually called him for moral support a couple of times while I threw things into the disposal, spraying Lysol and gagging and saying things like, "I didn't know rice could DO that!!"

response #3 by Husb2Sparkly:

      She's much better about this now that .....
..... she gets supervision.

response #4 by Sparkly:

      .
x(

response #8 by BOSSHOG:

      It should include a Keg
and a rack for storing ice cold mugs, and the "Lazy Susan" should turn like a ferris wheel at the county fair, with a ledge for each day of the week, and it should play your current favorite music when you open the door, then tell you how good you look when you shut the door. and of course, be self cleaning. Great Idea.

response #12 by kcass1954:

      We call it "Icebox Surprise" -
Open up the fridge, and if you find anything that's still edible - SURPRISE!!! That's dinner!

Cooking & Baking Group, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=236x35962

On a thread by Skidmore:

Contaminated green beans...
"The FDA said the affected Lakeside French-cut green beans are sold nationwide..."

response #5 by 4MoronicYears:

Them damn French, up to no good with our food supply now, whooda
thunk it, bad enough they had to meddle with our fries, now this.

GD, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1521005

OP by cynatnite:

      The WH uses executive privilege more often than ___________?
Fill in the blank.

Mine:
The WH uses executive privilige more often than I change underwear.

response #4 by salin:

      than a horse swats his ass with his tail to move the flies.

response #9 by Contrary1:

      Poppy wishes he had used a condom. n/t

GD, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1520049

OP by Stargleamer:

      If Watergate had happened During Bush's presidency. . .
There would not have been an 18 and half minute gap--ALL the tapes would have been wiped clean.

The one who wiped them clean would be convicted of evidence tampering but then would have their sentence commuted by Bush. No outrage would follow.

Executive privilege would be extended to the burglars themselves, and none would get convicted. They'd continue to have their day jobs.

Republicans would say Democrats are making a mountain out of a molehill, and that no big crime had been committed--just a few guys got caught trying to steal information that doesn't amount to much.

There would not even be a special prosecutor appointed.

No member of the Bush administration would resign. Executive privilege would be claimed for them all, and Biden would say "there's no smoking gun. . .".

The press would cover the story for a few months and then lose interest and follow another Bush scandal for a few months, and so on.

Add your own ideas!!!!

response #2 by Jackpine Radical:

      Burglary? What burglary? It was an anti-terrorist measure.
Therefore there was no underlying crime.

response #3 by Chipper Chat:

      Cheney would have commandeered the Watergate Hotel,
expelled all the guests, and moved half the prisoners from Gitmo there. Bush would rename the hotel "Watermo"

GDP, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3428102

On a thread by NNN0LHI:

      We have a guy running for president who thinks the Garden of Eden was located in Missouri?
"For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as the Mormons or Latter Day Saints), the Garden of Eden is believed to have been located in present-day Jackson County, Missouri..."

response #8 by Redstate Red Herring:

      We've got a President that thinks he's "The Decider"..
The Garden of Eden in Missouri isn't that much of a stretch.

response #15 by John Q. Citizen:

      I never did trust that creation myth as the real deal. I figure there was a translation problem
and it should have read, The Garden of Sweden.

response #19 by tularetom:

      BFD there's a couple who think the earth is 6000 years old
and the old timers rode around on dinosaurs.

And we have one in office now who thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

response #34 by Dr.Phool:

      Wrong!!!
He thinks he's the Vice-President!

response #76 by karlrschneider:

      He thinks Manual Labor is the vice president of Mexico!
Thinks Peter Pan is a wash basin in a whorehouse!
And Ping Pong Balls is a Chinese venereal disease!

:rimshot:

:rofl:

response #96 by KamaAina:

      And Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company...
and so on...

response #102 by martymar64:

      And that Johnny Cash is a pay toilet
:dunce:

And two Special Visual Achievement awards from this thread can be found below.

GD, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1522519

On a thread by baby_mouse:

      Ahem, as I was saying, I'm BACK!
YES! BACK!

I know, I know. You want to know all about my exciting adventures away from DU. Later, my pets, later...

response #1 by rug:

      That looks like a mod's shoe print on your ass.

response #2 by baby_mouse:

      What, that, oh, silly me.
Not at all, I've, erm, been sitting all day on my special shoe chair.

The Lounge, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6801457

On a thread by matcom:

went to exchange $40 Canadian this morning for U.S. $ - Got $35 back

response #2 by Bornaginhooligan:

I got that beat.
When I got back from mexico I exchanged a urine sample for a bottle of penicillin from my doctor.

GD, August 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1529182

On a thread by UpInArms:

      (Fallon, Nev) Dairies dump milk on radiation threat (polonium-210)
"Two dairy farms have dumped milk after the discovery of a naturally occurring radioactive isotope in 25 nearby drinking water wells.

Officials from Sorensen's Dairy and Oasis Dairy said they will stop selling milk until it is tested for the isotope, polonium-210, by the Food and Drug Administration. Officials said there's no known health risk at this time..."

response #4 by RufusTFirefly:

      Naturally occurring?
I don't suppose the nearby, naturally occurring Naval Air Station had anything to do with it. Nah. Probably not.

Besides, I prefer polonium sushi.

response #5 by KamaAina:

      Got polonium-210?
:P

LBN, August 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2943414

On a thread by cynatnite:

      Rudy's daughter backs Barack
"There's one vote that Rudy Giuliani definitely can't count on in his 2008 presidential bid: his own daughter's. According to the 17-year-old Caroline Giuliani's Facebook profile, she's supporting Barack Obama..."

response #3 by C_U_L8R:

      Daughter knows best !
bwahahaha

response #5 by Fridays Child:

      Oh, Caroline, do tell us why. Take all the time you need and include details.

GD, August 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1526478

On a thread by The Night Owl:

If a typical Freeper were granted one wish, what would he or she wish for?

response #15 by antiwarwarrior:

Teeth. n/t

The Lounge, August 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6803349

OP by taterguy:

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Hell no it wasn't over because the fight was just beginning for brave men and women.

They didn't sit around whining or making promises on Internet message boards they couldn't or wouldn't back up in real life.

They got off their asses and kicked some asses.

We could use some of that spirit.

Who's with me?

Response #6 by TahitiNut gets a DUzy too. Read the whole thread, though.

GD, August 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1528913

On a thread by RamboLiberal:

      Two GOP contenders duel over religion (Brownback and Huckabee)
"The current tensions stem from an e-mail message sent to two Brownback supporters by Rev. Tim Rude, the pastor of an evangelical church in Walnut Creek, Iowa. In the message, Mr. Rude, a Huckabee volunteer, compared the religious backgrounds of Mr. Huckabee, a Baptist pastor, and Mr. Brownback, who is Roman Catholic.

'I know Senator Brownback converted to Roman Catholicism in 2002,' Mr. Rude wrote. 'Frankly, as a recovering Catholic myself, that is all I need to know about his discernment when compared to the Governor’s...'"

response #3 by Sapere aude:

      Kool, christians fighting about who is most holy!
I'm holier than thou!

No! I'm holier than thou!

No I am!

No you are not I am!

response #7 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      Two snowballs argue over who has a better chance in hell. n/t

LBN, August 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2944018

On a thread by Dragonbreathp9d:

Damnit! Just got a call from the college!
My Navajo class has been cancled! I was really looking forward to learning that language! The professor they were going to have dropped it! Shit! now I have to fucking find a new class in a matter of a coupla weeks! AND I dont want to mess up my mondays and fridays off... Nothing ever works out!

response #1 by DS1:

We'll just call you Running Mouth
:)

The Lounge, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6807535

On a thread by sabra:

      Iraq's First No-Frills Airline Takes Flight (no Iraqis allowed)
"An upstart airline operating weekly flights between Baghdad and Amman, Jordan, is billing itself as the first no-frills airline to operate out of Iraq, but the company is restricting more than just food and booze on its flights.

The airline is also banning Iraqis, Indians, Pakistanis and other non-Westerners from traveling.

Expat Airways said it is only accepting U.S. and Western citizens on its flights..."

response #1 by Xipe Totec:

      The Onion is green with envy
Irony can't compete with reality anymore.

response #2 by TechBear_Seattle:

      Thank goodness we are exporting American freedom!
I mean... er... that is to say, uh.....

:blush:

response #6 by wellst0nev0ter:

      Good God, These Bushies Could Teach Henry James About Irony (eom)

response #10 by muriel_volestrangler:

      They're looking for the contract to operate the helicopters
from the roofs of embassies in a short while. Their current policy is just practice.

LBN, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2944973

On a thread by Maddy McCall:

New Orleans political blog: New Vitter rumor.
"A few weeks ago one of my contacts heard that members of the RNC employed in D.C. were confident that the media was about to break another hooker story on Vitty-cent. This one involved an alleged $200k payoff Vitter made to his 'baby mama' in Virginia..."

response #4 by Solly Mack:

Cost a lot to diaper both baby and Daddy

GD, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1531592

On a thread by spotbird:

      China threatens 'nuclear option' of dollar sales
"The Chinese government has begun a concerted campaign of economic threats against the United States, hinting that it may liquidate its vast holding of US treasuries if Washington imposes trade sanctions to force a yuan revaluation..."

response #3 by PetrusMonsFormicarum:

      Oh, we're already at war
with them. All the lead paint on baby toys is designed to decrease the intelligence of an entire generation! :tinfoilhat:

In my day, all we had for decreasing intelligence were Atari 2600s and porn printed on paper! :freak:

response #108 by Chulanowa:

      Paper?
Next you'll tell me you scratched grooved plastic disks to listen to the sounds they made! Strange primitive jokester!

LBN, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2945181

OP by jgraz:

A quick translation guide for dealing with DLC candidates
When They Say: Pragmatic
They Mean: Corporatist
Example: "Rahm Emanuel's campaign was a pragmatic success."

When They Say: Grown-up
They Mean: Corporatist
Example: "Unlike Dennis Kucinich, Hillary Clinton is a grown-up."

When They Say: Rational
They Mean: Corporatist
Example: "Harold Ford advocates a rational approach to foreign policy."

When They Say: Reasonable
They Mean: Corporatist
Example: "Steny Hoyer wants to adopt reasonable restrictions on greenhouse gasses."

When They Say: Centrist
They Mean: Corporatist
Example: "Diane Feinstein's centrist views have not been popular in the more liberal areas of her state."

When They Say: Bipartisan
They Mean: Corporatist
Example: "Joe Lieberman led a bipartisan effort to compromise on the Roberts nomination."

Any others that I've missed?

response #47 by Kurovski:

A bit of a different structure here:
When They Say: "We're keeping our powder dry."
They Mean: "We're taking a powder."

Alternate meaning of "We're keeping our powder dry" when directly addressing constituents: STFU.

Added comedic bonus: a rebuttal that led off with the assertion that every second post on DU is "Maoist, Stalinist, Pol Potist, Chavezitist, or any other form of Communist". And some people call the Lounge weird...

GD, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1534068

On a thread by EstimatedProphet:

      Freepers! Explain how Saddam could have moved the WMDs!
HOW?!

Do we not have spy satellites and spying capabilities, which are the best in the world... ?

response #1 by Richardo:

      He did it at night, duh.
:eyes:

response #5 by SpiralHawk:

      "Uri Geller, you librul pinkos." - Freeper Homelanders
"You fact-based libruls never consider that, after a highly successful career as a spoon bender, Uri Geller could damn well have been paid by Saddam to move the WMDs using Strange Powers of the Mind, that only we Homelanders can appreciate. So there. You libruls are, like, so totally disloyal to the Homeland. Nyah, nyah, nyah."

- republicon Freeper Homelanders

response #6 by Deep13:

      FedEx nt

response #36 by Juniperx:

      That would be stupid...
Cuz UPS would have been sooooo much less expensive.

response #44 by Deep13:

      I figured FedEx sometimes loses stuff.
My wife complains of that at her office sometimes. That would explain why no one now knows were the WMDs are.

response #10 by kenfrequed:

      Hmm
Well Dr Strangelove helped Saddam build huge underground tunnels between Iraq and Iran and they were driven there. Obviously.

Oh and Saddam is still alive too, the guy they killed was a paid actor. Of course The tunnel actually goes deep into the earths crust and comes out in utah. So now US forces must occupy that tunnel or they will come to fight us over here.

And they found secret plans there too. Plans to attack all the Sizzler steakhouses in Delaware.

GD, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1532293

On a thread by TOJ:

Pervert Allen says he offered bj because he was afraid of black men
"'This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park,' said Allen, according to this article in the Orlando Sentinel. Allen went on to say he was afraid of becoming a 'statistic'..."

response #1 by Tandalayo_Scheisskopf:

I know every time I get afraid...
the first thing I do is offer a stranger a $20.00 blow job.

It's a coping mechanism.

GDP, August 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3433242

On a thread by AllegroRondo:

Oral sex can cause throat cancer
"People who have had more than five oral-sex partners in their lifetime are 250% more likely to have throat cancer than those who do not have oral sex, a new study suggests.

The researchers believe this is because oral sex may transmit human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus implicated in the majority of cervical cancers..."

response #3 by Shine:

Uh oh.....well I guess that blows it for me then!
:scared:

:evilgrin:

The Lounge, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6809955

On a thread by Joanne98:

      UFO Over O’Hare Airport: New Report
"The National Aviation Reporting Center on Anomalous Phenomena (NARCAP), based in Vallejo, California, has investigated that November 7 incident allegedly involving an unidentified aerial object that violated controlled airspace at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.

As viewed by airline and airport employees at O’Hare, the object was round and revolving, gray in color and metallic. It hovered at an altitude less than 1,900 feet above ground level.

'The identity of the UAP remains unknown,' notes the over 100 page NARCAP report..."

response #1 by BlueJazz:

      Scientists did hear some chatter on the Hi-Band Radio...
"Gack su usa??"
"Lok gju dqio Monkey?"
"Rewfv uyi losgre President?"
"Dumb as Box of Haxlles"

response #8 by karlrschneider:

      My brother was born in Roswell in 1948 and he doesn't look anything like
the rest of the family!

(True)

:D

response #3 by Archae:

      Swamp gas.
;-)

response #4 by valerief:

      Oh, that nutty John Travolta and his flying machines! nt

response #19 by Sinistrous:

      That was not a UFO.
It was just a plane landing on schedule. Nobody had seen that at O'Hare in years.

response #23 by NotGonnaTakeIt:

      Why is it that every time someone is abducted by an alien...
...they claim the alien rectally probed them?? You think they'd travel light years across the galaxy to anally probe humans?? :wtf: :shrug:

response #25 by jberryhill:

      Maybe Humans just happen to have the best ones in the galaxy /nt

response #35 by flying rabbit:

      We certainly have some of the biggest ones
and they run the show.

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1545293

OP by BOSSHOG:

Hard hitting journalism scheduled for fox radio this afternoon
george bush is gonna sit down with neil cavuto and talk about the economy. This should be great. Intense and probing questions about sub prime mortgage rates and that fiasco, the up and down stock market, tough questions about bush's economic philosophy and most importantly why the liberals are responsible for everything that is wrong with the economy today. I bet neil hits a fair and balanced home run. No doubt a talking point or two will be culled from this diamond of a journalistic exercise by one of the best in the business.

response #1 by Buzz Clik:

Oh, yeah. No softballs from Cavuto on this interview:
Cavuto: Mr. President, some are saying that the economy is doing just great. Would you agree?

Bush: Absolutely, Vutie. (I call you Vutie. That's my nickname for you. heh heh.) The economy is way up. Stock market up. Unemployment down. Home foreclosures way up. Young married couples always look forward to foreclosing on their first home. God bless them.

Cavuto: Actually a foreclosure ... moving on. Would you say that your tax rollbacks saved America from economic doom?

Bush: No, but I'll let you say it. heh heh! You can't make money if the government keeps takin more and more. Now we hardly take any, so they make even more. Get it? It's good for the economy.

Cavuto: Absolutely. Last question (with my apologies to Stephen Colbert). George Walker Bush: Great president, or the greatest president?

Bush: That's a toughie, Vutie. We'll let history decide.

GDP, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3436022

On a thread by muriel_volestrangler:

      Disaster looms as 'Saddam dam' struggles to hold back the Tigris
"As world attention focuses on the daily slaughter in Iraq, a devastating disaster is impending in the north of the country, where the wall of a dam holding back the Tigris river north of Mosul city is in danger of imminent collapse..."

response #1 by youngdem:

      Hey Iraqis, I would move the fuck out of the way...The US gov't has a poor history with levees
Trust a New Orleanian. RUN.

response #3 by TOJ:

      The good news just keeps on coming from the people's republic of Duh-bya
Just another chapter in the disaster that is *'s life.

response #27 by paparush:

      This Just In - Bush to Hold Congress Hostage until they Earmark $10B to Halliburton for Dam Repair

response #28 by Hamsta1:

      At least they have our National Guard over there,
you know, in case some kind of disaster occurs OVER THERE.

response #43 by MichaelHarris:

      it's
those insurgent dams that are causing the problems, this ain't no local dam.

LBN, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2945670

OP by nyhuskyfan:

      Man Smuggles Monkey On Airplane Under His Hat
Great. Now homeland security is going to get involved - and I'll have to start putting my monkeys in my luggage when I fly.

http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_13561.aspx

response #5 by givemebackmycountry:

      I understand that quite frequently...
A monkey gets to board Air Force One.
No one fully understands how that is allowed to happen.

response #17 by Blue-Jay:

      Worst. Toupee. Ever.

Curiously, no-one asked how the man got an airplane under his hat. More from this thread in the Special Visual Achievement awards below.

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1541602

On a thread by varun:

      Young Republicans Head Resigns In Gay Sex Scandal
"Glenn Murphy, 33, the newly-elected chairman of the Young Republicans National Federation, who is well known for using the gay marriage issue to promote his candidates, has abruptly resigned amid allegations that he sexually assaulted a 22-year old man at the home of the man's sister...

In a shocking police report filed by the Clark Co. Sheriff's office, Murphy is accused of sexually assaulting another man on Saturday, July 28, 2007, while he lay sleeping in his bed..."

response #1 by BlooInBloo:

      Are there any straight republicans?

response #3 by PCIntern:

      Standard boilerplate article these days...
just leave the name blank and fill it in with whichever radical RWer you need to that particular day.

Try it...it's kind of fun...

response #22 by Philosoraptor:

      Hey at least he didn't MARRY the guy!

response #21 by Sentinel Chicken:

      What a shame. He had a lifetime of hypocrisy ahead of him.
:shrug:

More great responses in the thread.

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1540361

On a thread by whereismyparty:

      Gore says he may re-enter politics

response #3 by rainy:

      I hope he runs. He is the only one I'll go out in the streets for.

response #16 by BlooInBloo:

      Ditto.

response #30 by Uncle Joe:

      Double ditto!
:thumbsup:

response #52 by arewenotdemo:

      Triple ditto!

response #89 by disndat:

      Quadruple ditto!

response #100 by Omphaloskepsis:

      Whatever the fuck comes next ditto!
I want a do-over.

And that, I believe, is the longest set-up for a punchline in DUzy history...

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1544057

On a thread by RamboLiberal:

NWS: F2 Tornado Confirmed In Brooklyn
"What was thought to be a violently windy thunderstorm that plowed through Brooklyn Wednesday morning turned out to be a weather event of historical proportions.

The National Weather Service confirmed that the storm brought with it Brooklyn's first ever tornado since such weather events were recorded. Officials measured it to be an E-F2 twister, with winds gusting to approximately 111 miles per hour..."

response #9 by Winebrat:

I'm surprised the tornado didn't get its ass kicked

LBN, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2946339

On a thread by Dark:

      "This baby's name is not 4real":
"A couple has got over the disappointment of having their choice of 4Real as the name for their baby son turned down by calling him Superman instead.

Pat and Sheena Wheaton were told by the government registry in New Zealand they could not register the name because it included a digit...

However, the family has refused to let the law or good taste get in the way of their choice, insisting they will continue to refer to their two-month-old son as 4Real.

In the meantime they plan to officially name him Superman..."

response #2 by Solly Mack:

      So he's gonna be Superman 4Real?
I slay me

response #9 by paxmusa:

      The Baby Formerly Known As 4REAL

response #29 by truthisfreedom:

      The Baby 4merly Known As 4REAL

response #39 by paxmusa:

      Yes!! How did I miss that!?

response #68 by TahitiNut:

      I wonder what they'll do with his 4skin.
Oops!! A circumcision thread! :scared:

response #20 by NV Whino:

      Sooo, his nickname is
4?

response #47 by rocknation:

      Look on the bright side
If he becomes a serial killer, we won't have to wonder why.

:eyes:

response #56 by nuxvomica:

      No doubt, the parents imagined future exchanges like this:
"So what's your name?"
"Superman."
"You can't be for real."
"Exactly. That's why my folks named me 'Superman'"

GD (moved from LBN to the Lounge, then moved from the Lounge), August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1543693

On a thread by chimpsrsmarter:

      Bridge hero says "Nope" to a dope (Bush)
"Among the dozens of wrenching accounts to come out of the collapse of the Interstate 35W bridge in Minneapolis, the actions of 20-year-old Jeremy Hernandez were a bright spot: Trapped in a tipping school bus with 50 children, he kicked open the back door and began helping them one by one to safety.

Within a day, news outlets across the country were repeating the story of the school bus, along with a sad footnote — that Mr. Hernandez had recently been forced to drop out of an automotive repair program because he could not afford the $15,000 tuition.

That has changed. On Saturday, Mr. Hernandez learned that Dunwoody College of Technology had offered him a full scholarship toward a degree in applied science. He has also received offers of help from dozens of strangers across the country, said Molly Schwartz, communications director for Pillsbury United Communities, which employed him as a gym coordinator for one of its summer programs...

Mr. Hernandez was not available to comment on the offer; Ms. Schwartz said he left town for northern Minnesota late on Friday, overwhelmed by the attention and concerned that his co-workers were being overlooked. He spent the weekend fishing. When President Bush’s staff contacted him to request a photo opportunity, 'He was just, like, "Nope,"' she said..."

response #18 by IDemo:

      He can probably only deal with one disaster at a time

response #22 by Ian_rd:

      Fox News Exclusive: "Is Jeremy Hernadez behind the bridge collapse?"
"Fox News has learned that so-called hero of the Minneapolis bridge collapse might have caused the collapse himself in order to set himself up as a hero and tarnish the image of President Bush by decreasing America's confidence in the president's domestic budget."

See below for a Special Visual Achievement award from this thread.

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1541416

On a thread by jefferson_dem:

      Mittens says sons don't need to enlist ... they are serving the country by "helping me get elected"
"BETTENDORF, Iowa - Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney on Wednesday defended his five sons' decision not to enlist in the military, saying they're showing their support for the country by 'helping me get elected...'"

response #2 by Turbineguy:

      Sometimes it's better
if people do not serve in the military. They don't get fragged and fewer soldiers die.

response #14 by onenote:

      I suggest that anyone who is currently serving in Iraq and wants out
should volunteer for Mittens' campaign. I'm sure he'll be able to work something out so that they come home.

GDP, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3436190

On a thread by Philosoraptor:

      romney respects his 5 son's decision NOT to serve in military.

response #2 by Throwing Stones:

      "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected ..."
so will they enlist after he loses?

response #3 by bryant69:

      I'm getting the urge to serve my country by beating the shit out of . . .
wait - I'd better not finish that thought.

response #4 by rurallib:

      What arrogance
but what can you expect from Bif, Josh, Chippy, Tag and Doodles. I have no idea what their names are, just what I would like to call them.

response #6 by Philosoraptor:

      I think it's Todd, Snapper, Brad, Skip and Rip.

response #14 by Philosoraptor:

      Or Rip, Roar, Rock, Sock and Pow.

response #25 by Mz Pip:

      Limp, Wimp, Pussy, Puff and Softy
Dad is soooo proud.

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1543170

OP by Virginia Dare:

      Did I just hear on my teevee that Bush is being treated for..
Lying Disease? Excellent!

response #2 by acmavm:

      I don't think they'll be able to cure the guy. I'm afraid he's a goner.

response #3 by karlrschneider:

      Oh, damn, I thought they said LAME disease!
:D

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1545380

On a thread by babylonsister:

AT&T "Censored" Anti-Bush Lyrics In Pearl Jam Song
"According to Pearl Jam's website, portions of the band's Sunday night set at Lollapalooza were missing from the AT&T Blue Room live webcast. Fans alerted the band to the missing material after the show.

Reportedly absent from the webcast were segments of the band's performance of 'Daughter,' including the sung lines 'George Bush, leave this world alone' and 'George Bush find yourself another home...'"

response #11 by rucky:

Why didn't they just let the NSA delete it from Vedder's computer
when he first wrote the lyrics?

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1546735

OP by rucky:

      All this Shillary is an Obamanation!

response #1 by Olney Blue:

      We're just Biden our time until the election!

response #2 by provis99:

      quit Doddling around, you two.

response #4 by TwilightZone:

      t's just Obamadrama and Hillarity. n/t

GDP, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3438244

OP by LeftHander:

NYSE to leave Wall Street....
Is moving to WalPark - Mobile Home Village just west of Jersey...

Will also change name to New York Stock Emporium and take up residence in a Wausau double wide.

GD, August 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1552874

On a thread by babylonsister:

      Fighting terror with a flashlight
"If the war on terror makes you sick, well, soon you won't be the only one. The Department of Homeland Security is developing a new weapon to fight the bad guys: a flashlight that makes a person throw up. It looks like an old-fashioned, if somewhat bulky, light. But don't look too closely. The bright light pulses, which vary in color and duration, induce disorientation, vertigo and nausea..."

response #3 by Maddy McCall:

      I wish I had special headlights like that...
so that everytime I meet a vehicle that's got those xenon headlights on bright, I could stick it to them with my vomit lights.

response #5 by havocmom:

      Sounds more like a crowd control device- for use on protesters.
Making terrorists puke is gonna keep the HOMELAND safe?

What the fuck is in the water coolers in D.C. that they buy any dumb gadget some dingbat in a corporate lab can devise?

response #8 by tjwash:

      The same thing in the water coolers that had them start the star wars project.

response #9 by havocmom:

      Hey, You gave ME a hair-brained idea! Maybe I could get a job in bushland
Make really BIG flashlights with the Beam-O-Puke, and mount them on orbital platforms! We could solve the obesity problem in a few weeks!

And it would put an end to those annoying Jenny Craig and Nutri System commercials!

:woohoo: We're saved!

response #12 by tjwash:

      The Beam-O-Puke! Damn. Does that have "19.95, and call in the next 5 minutes..." written all over it?
That's gonna be big I tell you...BIG.

response #13 by dkofos:

      Get a mirror and give it back to them!!

response #14 by tjwash:

      Dude...you just hacked their system before it even got into production.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy because I wear this tin foil hat. Who's laughing now...WHO'S LAUGHING NOW???

:rofl:

response #15 by shain from kane:

      Homeland Security: New rule --- No mirrors allowed. Subject to search and seizure.
There will be a protest when women (and men) start looking like raggedy-ass bums. Then again, it could become the new look, and beauty care suppliers and manufacturers, hairdressers, and barbers go bankrupt.

GD, August 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1549346

On a thread by sabra:

      First lady, Jenna Bush to write children's book
"First lady Laura Bush and daughter Jenna Bush are writing a children's book about a boy who doesn't like to read. It is based on their experiences as teachers.

HarperCollins plans to announce today that it will publish the as-yet-untitled picture book next spring. It will be illustrated by Denise Brunkus, who's best known for her drawings in the popular Junie B. Jones series.

'It's a book that I've always wanted to write,' Laura Bush said Wednesday in an interview. 'And it's fun to be able to do it with your daughter...'"

response #1 by jgraz:

      Awesome!! George will have something to read during the next terrorist attack.

response #9 by shain from kane:

      Coming to a Goodwill store near you.

response #21 by Algorem:

      Horton Hears a Drunken Slut?

response #23 by StephenB48:2

      OH BOY!!1
Now * will have at least THREE books in his new Prezidenshul Libary.

1) The children's book which has the story of the Pet Goat

2) His Mama's book all about her dog Millie

and

3) this new one.

Looks like just stepping into that new library could lower one's IQ by a good 50 points! :smoke:

response #36 by Harper_is_Bush:

      "Mommy, there's a TERRORIST under my bed!!!" n/t

LBN, August 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2947320

OP by Contrary1:

$45,000 tax-free to enlist!
They'll have to open more enlistment centers to handle all the "patriotic" Freeps. :sarcasm:

"Despite spending nearly $1 billion last year on recruiting bonuses and ads, Army leaders say an even bolder approach is needed to fill wartime ranks.

Under a new proposal, men and women who enlist could pick from a 'buffet' of incentives, including up to $45,000 tax-free that they accrue during their career to help buy a home or build a business. Other

options would include money for college and to pay off student loans..."

GD, August 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1556227

On a thread by NNN0LHI:

      We have a guy running for president who thinks the Garden of Eden was located in Missouri?

response #11 by rucky

response #23 by bleever

GD, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1522519

On a thread by Kadie:

      Caption *

response #6 by 3waygeek

Honorable mentions to the other responses in the thread.

GD, August 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1521695

On a thread by nyhuskyfan:

      Man Smuggles Monkey On Airplane Under His Hat

response #3 by Zenlitened

response #11 by InternalDialogue

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1541602

On a thread by chimpsrsmarter:

      Bridge hero says "Nope" to a dope (Bush)

response #75 by itsjustme

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1541416

On a thread by blogslut:

      Caption Time! The Lurking Dick: What is he thinking?

response #9 by Richardo

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1546918

On a thread by npincus:

      WH: B*sh treated for Lyme disease last year!

response #20 by SoCalDem

GD, August 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1543375