I haven't quite decided how I will respond.
Manitoba Herald, Canada
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada
has intensified in the past weeks, sparking calls
for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of
President Bush are
prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens
who fear they'll soon
be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill
O'Reilly. Canadian border
farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer
was cold, exhausted
and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte
and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left.
I didn't even get a
chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens,
Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not
real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much
they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo
station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves. "A lot of
these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said. "I found one carload without a
drop of drinking water.
"They did have some nice Napa Valley cabernet,
though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across
the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush
administration establishing re-
education camps in which liberals will be forced
to drink domestic beer
and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes
ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus
trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-
dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-
citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary
Clooney hits to prove they
were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify
the accordion player on
The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about
their age," an official
said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting
all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American
liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa
resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United
States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure
liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. We're going to have some Peter,
Paul & Mary concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on
postage stamps. The
President is determined to reach out," he said.
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