Don't bag a Republican; they're too hard to clean

[kurth]

COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO
Don't bag a Republican; they're too hard to clean
Tuesday, February 14, 2006

You've got to wonder how a major world leader like Dick Cheney could mistake a Republican lawyer for a game bird. On Saturday, the vice president accidentally shot wealthy Austin attorney Harry Whittington as they hunted quail on a ranch in South Texas. Whittington, 78, who got peppered in the face with birdshot, is recovering and joking about it. He must be a tough old bird. Which makes me wonder. For deer, hunters put out deer corn. When your quarry is a Republican, what do you put out? Piles of cash? Liberals would say this is not the first time Republicans shot at the wrong target. Cheney plugged the wrong country, Iraq, so why wouldn't he plug the wrong critter? But the larger question is this: How do you get a Republican attorney mixed up with a quail? They aren't that difficult to tell from each other. The quail is the one in the feathers. The Republican is the one in the ostrich-feather boots....

Now about this business of hunting Republicans. I don't know why Cheney would want to bag one of his own kind. Republicans are hard to gut and clean, and you can't find anybody to process them, except maybe Ronnie Earle. Besides, it looks funny to have something dressed in an $800 suit from Capra & Cavelli strapped to the hood of your truck.

Of course, we shouldn't be surprised Cheney plunked the wrong pigeon, because part of this administration's track record is bringing down the wrong game. Remember when George W. went dove hunting years ago and brought down a protected killdeer? Maybe he thought it was a cow. The other trouble with bagging a Republican is finding a taxidermist to do the head mount for over your fireplace. "Oh, come on now; I can't give you an estimate," said Adriana Martinez, manager of Martinez Brothers Taxidermy on South Lamar Boulevard, when I asked her what it would cost for a Republican head mount. A deer head, which I figure is about the size of a Republican noggin, runs about $495 to $695, she added.

Oh well, I wouldn't want a Republican for my den anyway, or any other taxidermied critter, come to think of it. I find it disturbing that when the job is done, only a small percentage of the mount is the actual animal. In the case of a Republican mount, I imagine the only authentic parts left would be the wallet and the riding lawn mower.

http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/02/14kelso.html

[sui generis]

1. dress 'em out in the field

although you may need a permit for hazardous waste disposal.

[madokie]

2. I always figured they were the one's left where they fell

[formerrepuke]

3. They're bottom-feeders, like carp..or rats, and unsuitable for consumption

[azurnoir]

4. More like Fugu

Japanese pufferfish if they are cleaned wrong they are fatally toxic, takes years of training to be a fugu chef, and still hundreds die (Japan) from eating yearly.

[raccoon]

5. I love it! nt